RHOBH reunion part 1 - Lisa and Dorit

I have so many thoughts on last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion, but the thing I am most excited to discuss – the thing I’ve been waiting to talk about ALL WEEK – is Lisa Rinna‘s hair. It sort of looked like a mop head, no? But it was extreme soap opera and combined with the dress Lipsa obviously decided to bring what she lacked all season, pulling ‘SASSY LISA RINNA’ out of her duster pocket and lettin’er rip. So f–k you, Jeremy! And shut up Lisa Vanderpump.

These girls were quite petty last night, were they not? Like Erika Girardi seriously trying to shade John Mellencamp over a joke made by Andy Cohen that they should collaborate. She’s just bitter that her music will never actually be considered music. (She’s a peeeerrrrrrfffffoooormer). Why can’t Erika ever take a joke?! Insecure much. 

Or Dorit Kemsley icing Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave out of a swimsuit moniker claiming “hurt feelings” because Teddi was so mean to her all season (When was this again?). Or Lipsa telling LVP to shut-up over some gossip from Kyle Richards because Lipsa was shading vintage LVP in instagramming stories (C’mon Kyle – grow up with that tattle-tale garbage. It’s so Heathers, trying to suck up to the the Queen Bee for brownie points. You’re still ‘fetch’ and the green croquet ball).

So let’s run through some of the high points (HA) here.

Dorit clearly strategized to coordinate outfits with Erika, except Dorit looks like she’s wearing one of Big Kathy‘s old kaftans from the Studio 54 years. It’s awful. Actually neither of them looked particularly good in those purple shiny Barbie costumes. Likewise the Lisa’s also coordinated somewhat, both wearing monochromatic sequined sheaths that I think were a great look, but Kyle – as always – is the cheese who stands alone. Will no one love her?! I do LOVE Kyle’s bob though. Such a youthful improvement from the haircape helicopter whip she’s been wearing for ad infinitum. (Oh, see what I did there!)

Apparently John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan have been watching RHOBH and now John is getting questions from fans about Teddi and Dorit. I bet Dorit never considered the ramifications of pissing off an A-list celebrity’s daughter. The look on her face last night when she learned John Mellencamp was watching the show was priceless. Oops!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave - RHOBH reunion

Also, I like Teddi. I really do. She’s just very chill and real, and she gets her points across clearly and concisely. Plus, as much as it irks me to say this, it’s nice for Kyle to have someone genuinely defending her for once. She needs a pal.

Lisa Rinna - RHOBH reunion part 1

Lipsa basically admitted to toning it down this season for the sake of her daughters’ careers, which we knew, but apparently her behavior caused Delilah some professional repercussions! Dollars to Depends that has something to do with one of the Hadid girls and the ever-present Munchausen suspicions of YoLemons Foster Hadid. She may be lyme free, but I guarantee that grudge is still a 2’foot long parasite inside her gut! Anyway interesting development.

No one in Erika’s family has read her book! Not Tom, her ever-loving and doting companion, nor her mother! Erika never even interviewed Tom for the book, but she “spoke very kindly” of her benefactor. Also she’s never sent her own mom a copy of the book. Thankfully Andy straight up told her that’s weird while everyone else sat there uncomfortably exchanging looks. It is VERY VERY VERY super weird, and sad.

Erika Girardi - RHOBH reunuion

Everything about Erika is not just weird, but dead on arrival. She’s a cadaver of a glam. She’s like magic shell – that obnoxious chocolate-flavored liquid that freezes against ice cream. At first it’s all exciting, then it turns too hard and brittle and is annoying to eat around. Erika is a plastic person through-and-through, but apparently next season’s challenge should be trying to truly provoke her into losing her temper. Who wants to bet the proverbial bear to poke is mentioning Tom?! I appoint LVP to the task because I predict even Erika wouldn’t dare truly go-off on the First Lady of Bravo!

So, sigh, the major source of drama, unfortunately for this season and it’s subsequent reunion, is Dorit’s disconnect from reality. Dorit’s delusions go on for ad infinitum. Also, I still have no idea what’s going on between Kyle, LVP and Dorit, but here’s what I do know – as Teddi and Lipsa both pointed out – the common denominator is Dorit!

Dorit is a terrible villain. The worst! She’s not smart enough to be crafty with her manipulations, and she’s in it only for the attention they derive. She’s also not interesting or likable enough in her own right to forgive her shadow puppet transgressions (ahem LVP!). Dorit’s biggest foible, however, is that she doesn’t understand that what she says and does has impact – then she gets pissy when the women are actually impacted. What Dorit doesn’t lack, sadly, is misplaced hubris. Like droning on and on about Kyle ruining her Bella Magazine party! Um, Dorit ruined her own husband’s birthday party by starting problems with Teddi over a stupid glass, and as Andy Cohen pointed out Bella isn’t exactly Vogue!

What’s worse: Kyle ruining the aftermath of Dorit’s non-event for a non-magazine, or Dorit trying to ruin Kyle’s friendships with Erika and LVP?

Dorit Kemsley

I tweeted this last night and I mean it: Dorit needs to look up the definition of “projection,” then go get a psychiatrist to treat her for it. She started out by complaining that all season she believed Teddi was her friend until she saw the confessionals where Teddi constantly said hurtful things, which is why Dorit didn’t name a swimsuit for her. First of all, like all things coming out of Dorit’s mouth in a continuous flow of vomitted-up word salad tossed with bullshit, that’s a lie. Also it’s the other way around: Dorit ditched Teddi in a restaurant for an hour; no call no show, then tried to blame it on Teddi by accusing her of lying about the meeting time because she was angry over being caught in her own lie. Dorit ruined Teddi’s spa party over a wine glass – then blamed Teddi for making it such a big deal when it was actually she who constantly brought it up. Dorit tried to throw Teddi under the bus with Erika at the beachhouse, talked perniciously about Lipsa to Teddi in an attempt to ruin their potential friendship – then blamed Teddi for mentioning it to Lipsa; all of this culminating with the swimsuit diss. Yet, Teddi is hurting DORIT’s feelings and misrepresenting their friendship!? Um, sweetie, you’re living in a parallel universe called Beverly Beachside Insane Asylum By Dorit.

Maybe Dorit genuinely doesn’t hear what she’s saying as it’s coming out of her mouth, but it’s no longer fun to watch Rambles Jr. It’s infuriating and exhausting to watch her spin machine attempts. Several people tried to point out to her that she did in fact say things she completely denied saying, but it just went right over the wig Dorit bobby-pinned to her scalp trying to secure what little brain remains inside.

Like Dorit not getting that misrepresenting what she said about LVP will eventually come back to haunt her when LVP watches the episode. Which is why, again, she’s a terrible villain. A good villain knows to do their dirty-work off camera so they keep their hands clean. Like Kyle said you best keep receipts!

Kyle Richards - RHOBH Part 1

So the failed menage-a-trois of Kyle, Dorit, and LVP. First of all, I completely believe Kyle was right that until LVP needed a ‘friend’ or guaranteed ally on RHOBH, Dorit was never a person in her life – and I most certainly do not believe they have a close friendship. Kyle actually said she’d never even heard of this Dorit person until filming last year!

Dorit has alleged that Kyle said LVP believes she can control Dorit, but Kyle denies it, and since it’s not on camera…  I could see Kyle saying it, because she has some weird obsession with making LVP into Kathy Hilton, the big sister whose approval she’ll never earn no matter how many mansions she tries to turn into the Kardashian Kompound.

It’s absolutely true that whether malicious or not, or just in a move to get herself out from under LVP’s shadow, Dorit tried to instigate drama between Kyle and Lisa, and Kyle and Erika. Why Kyle? She’s an easy target because she’s emotional and also she trusted Dorit with friendship believing the LVP connection kept her safe.

Lisa Vanderpump - RHOBH reunion part 1

At least Kyle was vindicated when LVP affirmed that her warnings about what Dorit was saying turned out to be true. Apparently Dorit and LVP are all good now after many tears and prostrations – and also there’s that lovely friendship with PEEKkay bonding them. (Why does Dorit pronounce her husband’s name like she’s speaking Mandarin Chinese?). Kyle was also vindicated when Erika either chose not to believe Dorit’s version of the beach house events, or she just decided to take Kyle’s side. Wise move, because siding with Dorit on anything is likely to end in a botched betrayal like something from a Shakespearean play.

Dorit tried to imply that at the beach house things happened off-camera, and the women were complaining harshly about Erika. However, Dorit then denies pinpointing Kyle as the culprit or exaggerating what was said and the tone. Even though, as Kyle pointed out numerous times, it was ON CAMERA! See, what Dorit also doesn’t get is that she totally lacks credibility, so even if what she says is true, she no longer has the benefit of the doubt.

Lipsa is the only one who understands these issues between Kyle and LVP, or Kyle and Dorit will never be resolved. These three will go in circles for ad infinitum. They should just let it go.

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave Accuses Dorit Of “Gaslight” The Other Women

TELL US – WHAT ARE YOU THOUGHTS ON DORIT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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