Phaedra Parks is still reeling over Chuck-gate. Lest you forget he accused her of being a member of the Big Homie Team. As it turns out the only thing big about Chuck is his forehead and his ego. He's actually more like a little homie, or as Phaedra tells Kandi Burruss: "bitesized brownies and a cocktail sausage." Ouch.
Kandi is shocked that Chuck would classify their relationship so falsely, I'm shocked her chunky little dog is eating Pringles. Seriously – what adult purchases Pringles? Phaedra wonders if Kandi's dog needs a Colt 45 to go with his "ghetto" snack. She also calls Chuck a pig. Because he is one.
On last night's Sister Wives, Kody Brown saw two daughters graduate from high school. While Christine was overjoyed for daughter Aspyn, Meri continued to meltdown over Mariah leaving the nest. Poor Janelle, she really wants to high tail it, doesn't she? Even Robyn raises some eyebrows by inviting a fortune teller to the girls' graduation party. Her prediction? One more wife! Oh gracious!
The episode begins with Christine, Meri, and their daughters plan the graduation party. The girls think the moms are living vicariously through them since they never had graduation parties. Mariah and Aspyn are opposed to dancing and DJs. Meri thinks that the girls must be embarrassed by their parents' dancing skills. The only idea that sounds remotely appealing is Robyn's palm reader. I do love that the girls' are cussing in front of their moms. Mariah says "hell no" to a slide show. Kodythen discusses, yet again, how much more expensive Mariah's college education will be. If I were Mariah, I'd ask my folks to put the money they planned to spend on the party towards my education. He invites Mariah's study skills teacher over to talk about financial planning. Kody does not want any of his kids graduating with student loan debt, and he isn't going to be cosigning diddly squat. Slowly but surely, Kody realizes that loans would allow his kids to study and progress without worrying about working three jobs every semester. Take it from me, it's much easier to worry about that debt after graduation. Oh, sarcasm!
To kick things off, Dr. Jenn informs us that Farrah's life is chaotic. So I'd like to inform Dr. Jenn that Farrah's chaos has been meticulously planned out by Farrah the Famewhore. Hold the Fame. Meanwhile, Farrah complains to Taylor about being stood up by her boyfriend-for-hire, Brian Dawe. Farrah assumes Taylor couldn't possibly understand how hard her life is because her divorce was – and I quote – probably like so easy. "I filed for divorce, then I found him hanging," shares Taylor. "So not so easy." Farrah's like, fine your life is hard, I guess, but I'm done with you. Good night. Taylor tells the camera that Farrah is the most self-absorbed person she has ever met. #PotMeetKettle
So last night we were back in Vegas for Mob Wives round three! If the first two installments were any indication, we viewers are in for a wild ride! I can only imagine the craziness that Renee Graziano has in store for us now that she's shed her inhibitions…and her twelve steps.
The ladies have decided to go racing at the track. It's right upDrita D'avanzo's alley. Natalie Guercio is equally excited. Renee decides to play nice for the sake of Big Ang and Alicia deMichele Garofalo. Renee doesn't like to see her friends playing with her mortal enemy (she's not two-faced, y'all!), so she ops out of the afternoon's events. She's floored that her friends are being so cozy with Natalie. Don't they have any respect? Renee approaches Alicia to air her issues, and she explains that she is upset about her friends' loyalty. Alicia tries to explain that both women were in the wrong regarding their confrontation. Ang reminds Renee that she did, in fact, put Natalie in a headlock. It's not about loyalty, it's about neck safety. Renee declares that her friends are back stabbers and takes off in a limo.
This week's Shahs of Sunset was insane. Bravo gets the ick – MJ's sex tapes – out of the way first thing. We pay for this later.Mercedes "MJ" Javid seeks professional help to recover the missing files from her computer. She worries the young, hot computer guy will copy her sex tapes. He finds the files – not a cold chance in hell he enjoys it, let alone copies them.
Next,Mike Shouhed meets with old Vegas friends, Big Baller #1 and Big Baller #2. Their office building is nice and shiny but rather empty inside – much like their secretaries. The Ballers, who finance real estate deals, offer Mike a job as their broker. He promises to think about it, adding, "I want to show everybody a big middle finger, to the entire world and say, 'HAHAHA, I'm the richest.'"
Asa Soltan Rahmati meets with a party planner friend to go over details for the Diamond Water launch party. Not much to see here. She complains about the lack of gaudy gold accessories – yet the whiners on House Hunters never stop complaining about gold this, gold that – and requests a Diamond Water bottle ice sculpture. Asa also reveals she's planning a family reunion in Turkey.
As always, we start with the pyramid and a hefty dose of insults about the group's third place finish. Abby will not be embarrassed in front of the Cathy and her purse slapping Candy Apples. Peyton is the on the bottom for her tearful hair tantrum. She should be a role model and not a baby. Brooke follows for missing four counts of the group dance, and Nia is third for the bottom for slipping out of her aerial and not placing in her solo division. McKenzie rounds out the bottom row for being too rambunctious in the dressing room. Paige is last on the second row for being good, not great. Ditto for Kendall. Chloe beams when she's second on the pyramid, and it's no surprise that Maddie is in the top spot with ridiculous praise. Kendall and Chloe get solos to prove which one is truly second to Maddie. Maddie gets to rest this week…Abby is tired of her star student carrying the entire troupe. The group number is called "Just Another Number" to remind the girls exactly what they are in the studio. The girls will be dancing as Maddie's clones. Abby hopes to find more Maddie clones at her upcoming open call.
The mothers are in the viewing area, and for once they are in agreement. The theme of the group number sends the wrong message to their daughters, and third place isn't going to cut it against Cathy's dancers. Holly hopes that placing so low the week before will humble the girls into working even harder. In Ohio, Cathy is excited to have choreographer Blake McGrath compete with Abby's lyrical numbers. Black Patsy's daughter is looked over for a solo which goes to Miami's Lucas. Kaya accuses Bridgette of getting her son the dance by partying with Blake 24/7.
Yesterday we celebrated a day of extreme national significance. A day that brings attention to the very important cause of narcissism and immaturity. It was Stassi Schroeder's birthday and if I had a dollar for every time I heard that on Vanderpump Rules last night…
Stassi has invited everyone she hates and semi-likes to celebrate her birthday. She invited Scheana Marie in the six seconds they liked each other, but now she regrets it. She did not invite Jax Taylor, so he invited himself. Hey – I'd invite myself on a Vacation by Bravo, too!
Every 15 seconds Stassi gets out her bullhorn and police baton to announce its her birthday and demand people have fun her way or else she'll beat them. This continues throughout the entire episode…
Before leaving,Lisa Vanderpump takes Peter Madrigal out for tea. Peter admits he's going on the trip for the free booze and for the opportunity to laugh at these people. And there will be girls in bikinis too. Lisa seems hesitant to let him go – her only decent employee!
Things picked up at SUR where Brandi Glanville and Joyce Giraud were bickering up a storm about everything. If you could interpret through the litany of F-bombs and hair flips you might have heard Joyce tell Brandi she needs rehab.
All of the sudden Brandi starts tearing up and claims she just really misses her dog and needs to leave. She flees the table under the protective lemon force field of Yolanda Foster. So, now Brandi is blaming all her of her maltreatment of Joyce on a dog? I thought Kim Richards got the dog storyline this season?
Back at the table Joyce is unsympathetic. While Lisa Vanderpump and Ken try to smooth it over, Joyce snaps that Brandi shouldn't act like a "stupid little bitch" if she doesn't want people to confront her. Amen, Joyce, amen. Yolanda returns and is all "but Brandi is very sad". She's having a hard time. Lisa, visibly stressed out, calls for dessert – emotional eating time!