Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills battle lines were drawn in the mythical sand using witches wands and Louboutins. Did I mention the witches were also wearing Louboutins, because yeah… Beverly Hills and all that.
So Brandi Glanville invites us all over to her bathroom to watch her take a bath while the editors blurred over her ladybits. Jennifer Gimenez stopped by because doesn't one always entertain while they're naked?! They talk boys; Brandi and JR's relationship isn't going anywhere and Jennifer thinks he needs dumping.
Brandi goes on a date with JR where she confronts him about not ordering a drink first and oh yeah – taking a couples trip to Texas without 1/2 of his coupling. That half being her! Apparently JR was with all his friends, who are couples, but he didn't want to bring Brandi.
JR is pretty unapologetic about the whole thing and it triggers Brandi's "trust issues" since in case you have been living in a black hole or on Mars and weren't aware, Brandi was cheated on you guys. She was like SO cheated on and like she needs to discuss it forever and ever and ever and ever because she apparently doesn't have anything else going on besides Botox and drinking.
So, let's just dive right into last night's Love & Hip Hop, shall we? After all, that's what Mona wants us to do! The episode begins asPeter Gunz' two lady loves have been pulled apart, and Tara Wallace is still trying to figure out her next move as Amina Buddafly laughs hysterically in the corner. I'm so confused. Rich Dollaz calls Peter to warn him of the debacle. It's messy, and messy isn't good for the label. Yandy Smith puts Tara in a car after promising to support her friend. So, is Amina still going to be the label's rainmaker?
Saigon is having a birthday party Joe Budden style. He's gotten back the results of the DNA test, and he's waiting to open up the envelope. Erica Jean is giggling and falling all over Grill Master Saigon until he's ready to Maury Povich himself. For some reason Erica Jean is nervous, but once it's determined that he is the father, he's over the moon. Saigon isn't ready to commit to Erica Jean until he knows he's mature enough to be honest and faithful, but he's happy to date her until that day comes. He starts screaming "The Boy is Mine" all Brandi/Monica style to the entire birthday party. So much for keeping the DNA testing discreet!
Tara waits up all night for the coward Peter to come home. Of course, he waits to confront Tara in the daylight after she's put his shoe collection out on the sidewalk. He's sorry he messed, but he doesn't want to be embarrassed by having his shoes thrown at him. Peter thinks that Tara was wrong for hitting Amina, and Amina was wrong for telling Tara about their marriage. Is this guy for real? He hates that Tara found out that Amina is his wife because it pains him to see her hurting. Yeah, keeping the marriage a secret should have been the way to go…not, oh, you know, refraining from marrying your side chick!
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta things continued to be down for our ladies as they dealt with family and marriage problems, divorce, eviction(!), surgery, and unemployment.
Things begin with Kandi Burruss talking to production partner Don Juan. Kandi has a brand new office and tells us she writes her best songs when going through complicated situations. And complicated is about to get more complicated as Don Juan has obviously been talking to Mama Joyce about Todd! `
Don is worried Kandi will let love get in the way of her seeing dollar signs and that her business will suffer. Ok – Poor Kandi! Seriously why is everyone all over this girl's bank account? Back off her, gold diggers! She needs to write a new version of No Scrubs!
Kandi discusses the situation with daughter Riley who reminds her mom that her marriage will have to come before her relationship with Joyce, who is either going to have to accept Todd or not! Watch Kandi write the best songs of her career and not give anyone a dime! #Scrubless
Things begin with a frazzled Lisa Hochstein fanning herself and clutching her pearls because Joanna Krupa's rabid makeup artist called her a bad, bad, BAD name which a lady shall not repeat. My stars!
The worst infraction was that Joanna was laughing – laughing! – as Lisa was maliciously attacked. I personally think the worst thing was Joanna's Miss Innocent act as if she had no clue in this world what Lisa was referring to and that she would never, ever, EVER participate in such a thing! Anyway, this crazed crotchety makeup man called Lisa a "whore" and also untalented and broke. So there's that.
In retaliation Lisa practically leaps off the sofa; her boobs threatened to spill out from the top of her dress as they trembled and clung for dear life. She's pointing and shrieking that Joanna is "Fake! FAKE, FAKE, Fake, Fake, FAKE!"
Dear Preachers of L.A., Why did you have to turn last night's episode into a platform for the many commercials of Pete Wentz's Best Ink? To tat or not to tat, that was the ONLY question. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing Jay Heazlip and Ron Gibson do what they do best which is warm my heart and pump me up, respectively. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the spunky side to Wayne Chaney, although his wife got a bit too Judgy McJudgerson. I honestly didn't miss Noel Jones or Deitrick Haddon. Oh, and Clarence McClendon was there, too.
Ron is getting spiffed up at the barber shop because he's the key note speaker at an upcoming minister's conference. The other shop patrons question Ron about his thug swagger. Doesn't he want to be a part of the board at church? Ron isn't willing to give up his trademark bling just to fit in with the more conservative clergy men. Speaking of conservative, welcome back Clarence. We missed you…maybe? He's recruited his oldest son to help out with his ministry. It's a bit of a challenge for both of them.
Loretta has invited Myesha and Christy to her restaurant to bond over food, and Myesha is very hesitant to try some of the dishes. The ladies discuss Deitrick and Dominique's upcoming wedding that Noel will be officiating. Myesha asks how the others feel about couples having babies out of wedlock, and Loretta responds she doesn't judge anyone…not even Christy for her tattoos. Myesha looks appalled and tries to explain away her aversion to tattoos, but she's digging herself a deeper hole by comparing tattoos to sinning. Christy then schools Myesha with Scripture, and Loretta coaxes Myesha to admit that getting a tattoo doesn't make someone a bad person.
To kick things off, Mike Shouhed visits MJ to help her express her dog's anal glands. Seriously. The only thing I'll say about this is, the free alcohol is a nice touch, but there are not enough tequila shots in the world for that. Then we learn TMI about MJ's shower habits. Pass the tequila. No shot glass necessary.
Next Lilly meets up with Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi. So, these two are exploring their friendship, and Lilly's totally on board since GG is "skinny and pretty". She might cut a bitch, but at least she does it in a size 2 jean, right? GG reveals she's been dating a new guy for the past five months. Lilly gives her the side eye because she saw her making out with not-the-new-guy at the birthday party. GG says she was on a "two day break" so it's all good.
To kick things off, Mackenzie buys a pair of chaps for Gannon. Ha! Why not? Dressing the baby like an adult cowboy makes perfect sense when Mackenzie doesn't have a job, Josh doesn't have a job, and Gannon, despite winning the family IQ race, is too young to have a job.
An excited Mackenzie calls Josh to gush about her superfluous purchase. He accepts the call – listens – but rushes off the phone without ever expressing a single emotion. Phone calls are hard, y'all. Mackenzie's friend points out that Josh is barely alive, adding, "He needs to get a pulse in touch with his feelings." Mackenzie says she totally heard excitement in Josh's voice.
Stassi Schroeder is up to her same antics of systematically destroying everyone around her. ThankfullyVanderpump Rules favorite sociopath hasn't changed. Where are the proper authorities?
Last night Stassi cemented that Scheana Marie, briefly her friend, was once again her enemy. Stassi believes that Scheana is on an unrelenting quest to become her, to like BE Stassi. Which would mean Scheana also wants to be WITH Jax Taylor.
Speaking of Jax, I'd like to take an informal poll on how high we think his IQ is: 3? 8? Maybe 15 on a generous day? Despite being humiliated and constantly berated by Stassi he desperately wants her back. So desperately that he got a secret tattoo to prove his love. She maintains he isn't doing anything to earn her trust back except give her truly exceptional sex with lots of acrobatics and WWF maneuvers. #gag
Over at SUR things are still topsy-turvy. Strangely it's not decimating business so Lisa Vanderpump decides to install a new bar in the garden. With construction underway she now needs to find the perfect sexy bartender. Not Jax! Oh no – his crazy is old news slimy like fruit a couple days past the expiration date. Someone different… someone outside the incestuous cess pool. Someone like Katie Maloney's boyfriend Tom. Enter Tom 2.