Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this tropic port, aboard this giant ship. The mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure. The newbies were a crazy bunch looking for a bitchy resting face cure. On last night’s Below Deck, Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow proved once again that she is a whiny horndog who is used to getting her way, Don Abenante proved once again that he is a whiny meathead who is too good to use a mop, and Connie Arias proved that she may be the only semi-normal, halfway likable newbie aboard Captian Lee Rosbach’s Eros.
The episode begins as Bosun Eddie Lucas and Chief Stew Kate Chastain summon Rocky and Emile Kotze down from the radar, warning both that it could fry their brains or at the very least knock them off the yacht and send them toppling into the ocean. Are these people for real? Eddie then threatens to fire Emile if he does anything that stupid again. Rocky gets a more passive aggressive but similar speech from Kate. Luckily, Captain Lee is going to have the final word. Rocky smirks as she’s scolded and then complains that everyone is making a mountain out of a mole hill. The charter guests are still recovering from the foam party and have decided to sleep in, which makes Kate very grateful.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County there were arguments galore about, of all things, Brooks Ayers. Of course. Meghan Edmonds and Vicki Gunvalson both were out of line and Jimmy Edmonds demonstrated that he does not want to be a Real Housewife, nor does he appear to want to be married to one! Good luck with wife number 4 as somepeople say.
Meghan has decided she is the foremost authority on all cancers and all cancer treatments in all the worlds. Being that she is part of the oncology department at Johns Hopkins. Oh wait, no. She’s not. She just knows how to Google. Kind of. I mean in between doing Hayley’s homework. When Vicki doesn’t want to take her advice and sees through her fake tears about how she caaaaares so deeply, Meghan calls Vicki a “bitter old woman.” Well, Meghan, keep acting how you’re acting and this is your future!
The bottom line is this: Meghan’s concern is insincere. She clearly believed the psychic (or someone else put the idea into her head that Brooks‘ cancer diagnosis is questionable) and her true intent is to catch Vicki in a so-called lie. Vicki sees through her – it’s more transparent than Tamra Judge‘s lace catsuit (and just as classless and desperate). The bottom line is no one’s health is the same, and neither is their health treatment.
The reunion begins with Joseline responding to her statement on an After Party episode that Mimi was her b*tch as well as Stevie’s. She reveals that the pair had a threesome together. Mimi doesn’t deny it, instead she just claims to be sickened by Joseline. Stevie reiterates his same old tired excuse that he had many foggy nights back in the day. It gets pretty intense as Joseline describes the encounter shared, adding that a lot of begging took place. Mimi clarifies that it wasn’t a threesome by definition. Instead, she and Joseline took turns with Stevie, but they were all present. Momma Dee interrupts to remind everyone that as long as you’re having fun that’s all that matters. Ariane never knew about this dalliance, but she’s proud of her friend for being so adventurous. Wasn’t a sex tape adventurous enough? Everyone claims it was a one time thing, and Joseline apologizes for her treatment of Mimi which Mimi seems to accept it. They agree that Stevie has been the root of their issues. Stevie thinks it’s going to be a great night for him–perhaps a replay that he’ll remember this time?
Last night on Manzo’d With Children the Manzo spawn were in for a rude awakening – particularly Lauren! Caroline Manzo is concerned about Lauren facing the realities of Vito’s income bracket instead of Al and Caroline’s. She wants to prepare Lauren for real married life… by letting Lauren and Vito live at home forever? And Albie took one small step in defying mommy by giving his sexy ex-girlfriend Britt another chance despite Caroline and Lauren’s disapproval. Time for Caroline to cut not only the apron strings, but the Chanel purse strings as well!
It’s morning in Manzo-land which means Caroline comes downstairs to a trashed kitchen and three lethargic kids standing around demanding breakfast. Lauren has been using the island as a makeup studio and Al’s credit card for everything – she’s never paid for gas in her life (and doesn’t think she should have to). Caroline rampages about how the kids don’t clean up and act like immature brats expecting her to do everything for them. What does she expect after all her microMOMaging. Caroline is especially pissed because she’s supposed to be going on a tennis date with Al.
So, a special thanks to Kim Zolciak Biermann, Kroy and crew for a much needed break from Miley Cyrus and the VMAs last night. I know, I know, I didn’t have to watch, but I couldn’t stop…until it was time for Don’t Be Tardy. Gracious pop culture can make me feel so incredibly old! Of course, I feel like I’m watching the reality show a 40-year-old Miley will have with her family as Kim answers their phone to hear four-year-old son cage yelling to open the “f@$%ing gate” so he and the nanny can get into the driveway. Kim scolds her oldest daughters for giving KJ a potty mouth as she jokes that she never swears in front of her young ones. Eye roll.
The family is getting ready for their annual vacation to Destin, Florida, but Kim is hoping for more glamorous locales once the twins get older….like Mexico. Chef Tracey (who loves to say things for shock value to make sure she gets more screen time) warns Kim of the rampant child organ black market in Mexico. Tracey swears she’s not making it up, but Kim quickly changes the subject to something more important…her wigs. How will they best transport her precious wigs to Florida? Shoe boxes is not the way to go…they need seat belts. Kroy suggests a U-Haul for the wigs, but Kim deems that “trashy.”
So much drama to discuss from last night’s Real Housewives Of New York reunion; or at least what can be deciphered through the 7-layers of screaming. Housewives reunions are not unlike 7-layer taco dip – and one really has to slough through layers of green onions and refried beans to get to the good stuff.
Unfortunately a lot of chips get lost in the rubble. Reunions are minefields of undiscovered gold which are always cloaked in secrecy with expressions like, “Let’s talk about what we saw when we barged into your room!? [with a wannabe pirate circa 2013]” WHAT?! TELL US. Or, “I’ve covered for you plenty!” Meaning?!? All these inferences, insinuations, and teasers of people’s ghostwriters being exposed or countesses who lunge at princesses (or at least the previews showed Luann de Lesseps standing up and yelling – is that what Carole Radziwill meant when she said a ‘lunge’?).
On last night’s Little Women: LA, the group tried to mend fences. But this group of women needs more than a night of toasting marshmallows by the fire to snuff out the ratchet behavior of Tonya Banks and the ultimate pot-stirring that newbie Brittney Guzman is bringing to the this season’s fire pit.
We begin at the batting cages where Brittney is on a date with an old friend, Jordan, she used to date four years or so ago. She’s just been through a bad breakup, so wants to get back on the horse. Her ex-boyfriend Max cheated on her while she was on tour with Miley Cyrus. Since Jordan has been recently cheated on too, Brittney wonders if they’d be a good match. They confess they’ve missed each other, but Brittney plays it coy about seeing him again.
Drama, exciting and new…come aboard, we’re expecting you! Where y’all as excited as I was for the season premiere of Below Deck? Those Captain Lee, Stud of the Sea ads on Bravo have been quite a tease. Thankfully, our wait is over. Bring on crystal blue water, Captain Lee lectures, millionaire antics, and sunny insanity!
Before we get into the recap let’s meet the crew, shall we? Returning this season are a few fan favorites. Adorable bosun Eddie Lucas is back, as is Kate Chastain and her bitchy resting face. Kate’s least favorite stew Amy Johnson returns as well. Of course, it wouldn’t be the show without everyone’s favorite captain! Joining the group are some folks who are sure to bring the crazy. Raquel “Rocky” Dakota is a former competitive diver and surfer who went to culinary school in the hopes of being a yacht chef. Unfortunately, this summer she’s just second stew. She’s also likely to be in a 5150 hold at some point in the near future.