Yesterday we celebrated a day of extreme national significance. A day that brings attention to the very important cause of narcissism and immaturity. It was Stassi Schroeder's birthday and if I had a dollar for every time I heard that on Vanderpump Rules last night…
Stassi has invited everyone she hates and semi-likes to celebrate her birthday. She invited Scheana Marie in the six seconds they liked each other, but now she regrets it. She did not invite Jax Taylor, so he invited himself. Hey – I'd invite myself on a Vacation by Bravo, too!
Every 15 seconds Stassi gets out her bullhorn and police baton to announce its her birthday and demand people have fun her way or else she'll beat them. This continues throughout the entire episode…
Before leaving,Lisa Vanderpump takes Peter Madrigal out for tea. Peter admits he's going on the trip for the free booze and for the opportunity to laugh at these people. And there will be girls in bikinis too. Lisa seems hesitant to let him go – her only decent employee!
Things picked up at SUR where Brandi Glanville and Joyce Giraud were bickering up a storm about everything. If you could interpret through the litany of F-bombs and hair flips you might have heard Joyce tell Brandi she needs rehab.
All of the sudden Brandi starts tearing up and claims she just really misses her dog and needs to leave. She flees the table under the protective lemon force field of Yolanda Foster. So, now Brandi is blaming all her of her maltreatment of Joyce on a dog? I thought Kim Richards got the dog storyline this season?
Back at the table Joyce is unsympathetic. While Lisa Vanderpump and Ken try to smooth it over, Joyce snaps that Brandi shouldn't act like a "stupid little bitch" if she doesn't want people to confront her. Amen, Joyce, amen. Yolanda returns and is all "but Brandi is very sad". She's having a hard time. Lisa, visibly stressed out, calls for dessert – emotional eating time!
The longer this season of Love & Hip Hop goes on, the more I like it. Seriously. There is something inherently amusing every last one of these people, and last night's episode was no exception. Let's get started, shall we?
Amina Buddafly just can't wrap her head around the fact that Peter Gunz would cheat her. It's so shocking to think that the man who cheated with you and married you on the sly and still spends the night with his ex is actually having his cake and eating it too. I'm totally floored. She's meeting with a friend to rehash the recent events, and said friend is horrified to learn that Amina has thrown her wedding ring in the trash. Amina is devastated, as she's never been happier or felt more connected to anyone until Peter. However, she's not about to let keep Peter cheating on her for years and years…she'll just let that happen to Tara Wallace. Her friend thinks Amina looks weak and foolish even entertaining the idea of forgiving Peter.
Kenya Moore and her desperate to get screentime frienemy Miss Lawrence meet for lunch to gossip about Sav-AWN-a, as pronounced wrong by Krayonce. Kenya reveals that apparently everyone in Atlanta, or at least everyone one in Atlanta that is also on RHOA, has slept with Chuck Smith.
Kenya giggles that Chuck didn't want to put a ring on "jumpoff" Phaedra Parks, because naturally the only reason a man wouldn't want to marry a woman is because she's a jumpoff. Not because people date but don't always fall in love and then they move on. Six proposals, one hired boyfriend, and a Nigerian prince she met on gmail later, Krayonce doesn't seem to understand the behaviors of a normal relationship.
Speaking of Chuck, he invited Phaedra and NeNe Leakes to Athens to propose that they all speak at the Boys & Girls Club there because Chuck is very involved. NeNe now knows Phaedra from growing up. Phaedra reminds us Athens is a one-horse, or one Dairy Queen town, with two high schools and everyone knows of everyone, just in case NeNe forgot.
On last night's Sister Wives, Kody let the locks fly with lots of manly activities. It was slightly epic. The Browns are planning a commitment ceremony, and they are looking at different places to throw a big family event. Christine loves dropping the fact that they are polygamists to see how people react. The poor guy giving them a tour of the venue says he isn't the church or the government…his place of business just wants to make money. I never need to see Kody moonwalking on a dance floor ever again. Christine balks at the $10,000.00 minimum price tag, but Janellebelieves that it's actually a fair price for what they would be getting. Meri appreciates that some of the women don't want to have to prep or clean up as it would all be taken care of by the event staff, but it's an awful lot of money. Kody admits that he can be very stingy when it comes to his wives' spending, but he wants to go all out with this celebration. After all, he's got a reputation to uphold. Gag.
Kody's friend Brett is coming to visit, and he and Janelle's trainer are going to install wrestling mats in Janelle's garage for son Hunter. Janelle still has stuff in her garage that needs to be cleaned out, so Kody volunteers Christine's garage for the mats as her garage is spotless. Christine requests a private conversation with Kody so she can give him her list of demands in return for turning her garage into a mini gym. She wants more time with Kody and more grocery money. Where are they getting this money? Is TLC footing the bill for all of this madness? Hunter is excited about his new training arena. He thinks it's cool that his dad likes to relive his high school glory days.
Apparently Jon Gosselin & Liz Janetta join the fun later. He probably has to wait for the lunch rush to pass and get his balls from Kate's hilltop mansion before he can fly to L.A. Jon's new simpler life is so hard, you guys. So so hard.
Taylor and John arrive first. The former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star recaps her past – she had the "perfect house" and the "perfect husband" in Beverly Hills. Taylor says, in reality, she endured six years of emotional and physical abuse from her late husband, Russell Armstrong.
I hate to be a pill because I love reality television, but last night I had to watch the Sugar Bowl during the Mob Wives' commercials. What a game (and I wasn't even invested in the outcome!)! Well, the craziness I was watching on the field paled in comparison to what was going on in Vegas with Renee Graziano's hard fall off the wagon!
After the insanity of the night before, Big Ang has ordered a big breakfast in hopes of resolving their issues and curing their hangovers. Alicia DiMichele Garofalo is worried about Renee. She is tired of drama, and she wants to enjoy her last trip before potential incarceration. Renee and Drita D'avanzo arrive at breakfast, and Renee is looking just as rough as she was the night before. Drita admits that she lost over two grand gambling, and she takes suggestions as to how to lie to Lee about her loss. Drita knows that Renee is going to be a ticking time bomb over her animosity towards Natalie Guercio. She starts swearing and chain smoking at the mention of her name.
Drita decides that everyone needs to be present for the airing of the grievances (Happy Festivus!), so she goes to get Natalie. Showing her new found maturity, Drita warns Natalie about the confrontation that awaits her. While Drita isn't a Natalie fan, she remembers what it's like to be ganged up on by the ladies. Drita takes a few seconds to tell Natalie all of the shiz she's said about her behind her back, and Natalie apologizes with a hug. Natalie promises to explain herself to Big Ang as well. When Natalie joins the table, Renee begins to point out all of the delicious things on the table. Grapes are delicious, as are pastries. Her man (one date makes a man?)? NOT DELICIOUS! Natalie assures Renee that she wasn't intending to be disrespectful, but she doesn't think her word choice was inappropriate. Renee does a reenactment calling Alicia's husband delicious to make her point. Natalie then quips that Renee should know Alicia's husband smells delicious since they went to dinner together a few times.
Abby Lee Miller was back with a vengeance on last night's premiere of Dance Moms. At least they revamped the opener though, right? At the studio, Abby corrals the girls and their mothers for an announcement. Abby congratulates her Nationals winners while taking passive aggressive digs at everyone. She reveals that she will be holding open auditions in Atlanta, Orlando, and New York. Everyone is replaceable, y'all!
Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid since Christi made such a scene with Leslie on Bourbon Street during Nationals and Abby gave them the boot. Christi hopes to focus more on her daughter's dancing and less on the mama drama this year. We'll see how long that lasts! Chloe apologizes to her team and promises to work her hardest. Peyton follows Chloe on the bottom for the same reason. Nia is the first actual Nationals participant to be on the bottom, followed by Brooke. Nia looks totally crestfallen, and Holly is upset. Nia is at every class and every extra practice. She is working her little bum off! Brooke is chastised for missing one class while attending New York Fasion Week (really?), and sister Paige is last on the middle tier since things just aren't clicking. Is it just me, or are these new head shots just too much? Mackenzie is next for being second in division at Nationals. Kendall is one spot away from the top of the pyramid when Abby announces that there's been a mistake. She switches out Nia's headshot for Kendall's. Jill is livid. Kendall tries not to cry as Abby complains about Kendall missing a week of booty camp to go on vacation. Maddie is on the top. Surprise, surprise!