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Oh, lawd. Well, it's happening… I'm being held hostage and forced to write recaps of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I oughta just call these recaps: Memories Of The Mountain State: The Reality TV Homecoming Of Mary McClelland. 

So last night baby Kaitlyn nearly came out of Anna's biscuit before she was done bakin' or bacon depending on who you ask: Mama or Honey Boo Boo

Seventeen-year-old Anna started having contractions at 34 weeks and said they made her vajayjay hurt. Girl, I have got to tell you – THAT is called pregnancy. So they called 9-1-1 and raced Anna to the hospital in an am'blance. Seriously. Did the pageant mobile not have gas in it? Did Honey put spray tan in the tank? Mama yells at her not to push. 

At the hospital Anna is disappointed she is in pain and has stuff on her stomach. Well, stuff comin' out of yer coochie is what having a baby is like, Anna. It hurts a lot more comin out than it does goin' in, girl! The doctors send Anna home and she's on strict bedrest. No baby Kaitlyn yet – Mama is relieved because taking care of a premie is a lot of work. Honey Boo Boo pokes at Anna repeatedly to make sure she's not pushing out a bacon. All clear. 

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This episode wraps up season one of Hollywood Exes. The Exes have shared great times and endured bad times, but season one ends nicely. The women end the season with a toast to a new journey and new friends.

Last week on Hollywood Exes, Mayte Garcia auditioned for a role in a movie. Mayte is anxious, waiting to hear back from her agent. Just as Mayte asks Nelly if she has any pills for anxiety, Gladys calls with the good news. The director loved Mayte's audition tape and wants to offer her the role. Mayte and Nelly celebrate the good news while Mayte's dog Boogie walks on a treadmill. Those L.A. dogs aren't just born that fabulous, you know, they have to work for it!

Sheree Fletcher surprises her husband Terrell Fletcher with a trip to Harley Davidson.Terrell has been pining over a bike for awhile now, but Sheree is against the idea. However, now that she has an agenda, she's down with it. Sheree hopes a new bike will distract Terrell from the fact that his wife lives in L.A. while he lives in San Diego. For ever now, Sheree is not willing to relocate. She's banking on the motorcycle buying her at least another year in L.A.

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Last week on Teen MomTyler Baltierra and Catelynn Lowell tried to help their mothers cope with Carly's adoption, Maci Bookout made a mess out of Bentley's birthday, Farrah Abraham said goodbye to Sophia, and Amber Portwood agreed to give Gary Shirley full custody of Leah.

Catelynn and Tyler

Catelynn and Tyler buy pens and notebooks for college. I guess they finally figured out their major crisis.

Catelynn and Tyler visit April and ask her where she stands with Butch. April is torn. She knows she should probably divorce him… but she still loves him. Tyler completely understands. In other news, Catelynn looks beautiful. Her hair and makeup are perfect.

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Oh last night’s Dance Moms!  The moms are wearing their finest lido deck attire to hear the results of Abby Lee Miller‘s pyramid.  Seriously, I’ve never seen so many handkerchief gauze dresses in one place!  Abby praises her girls for a phenomenal recital.  This week, the girls are traveling to California.  Big times!

Paige is at the bottom of the pyramid due to her boot. Brooke joins her for a poor showing during the hip hop dance.  MacKenzie rounds out the bottom tier.  It seems the hip hop number was a bit over her head.  Nia is on the second rung.  While she garnered most improved last week, she doesn’t need to “rest on her laurels.”  Chloe joins Nia although Abby doesn’t have a bad thing to say about her.  Once again Maddie is on top for winning the recital’s scholarship.  Abby reminds Kendall that she’s not yet in the pyramid, but by golly is she working her way towards it.  Jill is livid.

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Today’s bitch please award goes to LuAnn de Lesseps who told a big ol’ whopper on national TV and got caught! Ohhh girl, c’mon – everyone knows Bravo loves to expose a misdeed.

Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies arrived in St. Barths. On the teeny, tiny plane to the island nearly everyone is uncomfortable and I was wishing and hoping for a moment straight out of the seventies spoof movie Airplane. Inflata-auto-pilot? Yes, please.

So they all landed in peace and that was about the only peaceful moment of the trip. Actually I take that back everyone got along remarkably well and kept it in check especially considering Pinot Singer AND Heather Thomson AND LuAnn were there!

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Rachel Trueheart is devastated by Michael Stagliano‘s shocking exit on Bachelor Pad. She’s sobbing… she was falling in love with Michael… her life is ruined… blah, blah, blah. Like all other break ups between reality TV stars who have known each other for approximately 18 days, it’s nauseating.

Jaclyn Swartz is busy consoling Rachel when Chris Harrison returns to the mansion with news about the rest of the game. First, though, he reminds the remaining fame whores love seekers people that Bachelor Pad is a game. Chris explains: They will play the rest of the game as couples. Nick Peterson and Rachel are the only two contestants without partners, so they are forced to pair up.

Blakeley Jones, Jaclyn, and Ed Swiderski are upset that Chris Bukowski survived elimination last week, thanks to a bogus twist. Of course, on the other side of Bachelor Pad, Chris and Sarah Newlon are celebrating their good fortune. Game on!

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Good gracious.  Part One of the Love & Hip Hop Atlanta reunion took a lot out of me.  Mona Scott-Young is mediating…if you can even call it that, but the lady looks really good.  I didn’t recognize her!  I guess I shouldn’t be shocked that she’s ready to stir the pot!

We begin with a montage of the season.  It’s much easier to watch in a quick recap than it was to watch every week.  I know the regular readers will agree!  I’m most excited to see how all things Stevie J. will pan out at this reunion.  I have a feeling I’m going to be incredibly disappointed.  These women, save one or two, have absolutely no shame.  None.  Nada.  Zero shame.  It’s sad, but it’s certainly entertaining at least.

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I generally like to keep my problems away from water, but I guess that’s not the case with the Real Housewives of New Jersey who took their fighting to a Rock of Love level when things got dramatic in and around the hot tub of horrors. Sadly Bret Michaels did not arrive to bust into a hair metal anthem. #why? Luckily there were sequins. As one of our twitter followers pointed out, you can cut a bitch with a sequined bikini. Where do they buy these things?

So there they all were in some insanely hideous bikinis, hair and make-up done up to the nines, guzzling wine by the gallon, and shrieking at each other like mongooses so that it echoed through the vineyards of Napa and awoke a dreaming Vivendi Wine owner in his sleep. ‘Oh, no… ‘ he thought… ‘The meerkats have gotten into the grapes again.’ Nope, just some delusional women embarrassing themselves on national TV! Grapes are fine, viewers of RHONJ not so much! Pack your alibis and let’s go!

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