Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: No, No Mi Amigas!

Aaaaahhhh… Viva la Mexico with the Real Housewives Of Dallas. Friends, or foes, who’s to know but napkins went flying, mediation mallets weren’t calming, and peeing in public took place! Oh, and this is only Kameron Westcott‘s behavior we’re talking about!

It’s hard night, good morning — or not! After said hard night of dealing with LeeAnne Locken‘s drama the good is mighty forced. Especially from LeeAnne herself. Stephanie Hollman was so agitated out she puked at 2am, to exorcise all the bad juju. But at least she was quiet so Kameron didn’t have to hear anything icky-o, right girl?

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Over breakfast Kary Brittingham explains the day’s activities – starting with running the stairs of the compound to prepare for a day of pounding margaritas and tortilla chips. Kameron consents to this exercise plan by scarfing a breakfast burrrrr-eee-tooe, then she suits up for some stair half-mastering. Kam really better hope Court doesn’t do an allowance weigh-in when she gets home, because while Kary is going to get double this month for sprinting stairs two at a time, Kam is going to be spite eating a big cupcake as she counts her coins. She was strollllling up those stairs.

Maybe it’s like the tortoise and the hare, but if slow and steady wins the race, I don’t know what comatose gets you. We’ll have to ask LeeAnne. She skipped the exercise claiming a pulled calf muscle in old age and took a nap.

Kary asks Brandi Redmond for advice on how to handle LeeAnne. Brandi is disappointed that LeeAnne, once again, trotted out the ‘excuse my behavior carny childhood card’ (available at Hallmarks near you in the Precious Moments department) and suggests Kary just ignore LeeAnne and focus on having a fun trip.

Before they leave the villa Kary makes a toast to being positive and not complaining. LeeAnne interprets this as a personal dig towards her – which it was, so I’m glad that enormous weave hasn’t completely smothered her brain! And decides she’s going to prove Kary that she’s not a negative person! Um, LeeAnne, Kary only thinks you’re negative because that’s what you’ve shown her by being a bad sport and a caustic presence. You can’t blame Kary for not wanting to spend her vacation running a mental hospital!

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Then women board a bus  to visit Careyes legendary polo fields where Kary has arranged a private match, with a bartender. I kept expecting T-Rav to jump out of the bushes which would have been very, very bad indeed considering that Kameron was peeing in them!

Real Housewives Of Dallas

There is a HUGE hike from the field to the bathroom and Kameron has to pee so badly, “I can barely walk two feet right now I have so many margaritas in my body.”  She winds up peeing behind a horse trailer with several of the women forming a human chain to cover her. That’s brave in white shorts, girl! Kameron really needs to invest in one of those rubber purses if she’s going to be touring Mexico because this bathroom situation has her so uncouth it’s almost Brandi-esque!

Meanwhile LeeAnne and D’Andra Simmons are left at the table, probably wearing Depends, to awkwardly discuss why LeeAnne is being such a twat to Kary. LeeAnnre pretends she has no idea that ditching Kary’s roommate plan hurt her feelings, but D’Andra is happy to inform her that it does. I hope this isn’t D’Andra stirring shit… <side eye>.

We learn that Kameron’s father was a professional polo player until he fell off a horse and broke his pelvis. Everything Stephanie knows about polo comes from pretty woman. She’s interested in the poop stomping, not the prostition though! And Brandi used to own an equestrian center (que?!) and loves horses. In fact Brandi really can communicate much better with horses than she can with humans! She even offers a horse a margarita.

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The best part of this was the cartwheels. Oh man, Kameron looks like an egret attempting to do a dance. It’s the worst cartwheel I’ve ever seen! Kary, meanwhile, does a cartwheel in a skirt and in heels, and receives bonus points from Kam for matching her undies to her outfit. I am confused: Kam practically blackballed D’Andra from the Dallas society scene – and told Mama Dee D’Andra was in social peril! – over a K-Cup joke last season, yet she’s ok with Kary flashing her panties to the world? Is it because it happened in lawless Mexico, not Beaver Creek, where things are, you know, el classy-o? Or is it becuase coordination and attention to detail goes a long way in Kameron’s esteem?

Stephanie Hollman Brandi Redmond

Then Stephanie and Brandi take a moment. Kameron makes a sarcastic joke that it’s been really hard for them to be separated for 8 hours but Stephanie does feel out of sorts with Brandi not being her roommate. Stephanie’s also feeling really feeling triggered after LeeAnne’s flippant suicide comments the night before. Brandi reminds Stephanie that LeeAnne uses these tactics to manipulate and gain the upper hand as the chronic victim, but Stephanie can’t have a rational reaction all the time because it brings up so much emotional baggage for her. Then they hug and cry and support each other. I love this friendship.

Stephanie Hollman

In one of the saddest moments I have ever seen on Bravo, in the confessionals, Stephanie reveals that she puts on a happy face to protect others. “People don’t like to be around people who don’t make them feel good. Nobody would wanna be my friend if I was honest about what I deal with, like, all the time.” Well, I hope she’s honest with Brandi, and we know Brandi would still be her friend no matter what. #RideOrDie.

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Perfect segue to the trip to the Copa, an enormous meditation bowl for a sound bath orchestrated by spiritual healers. It is a place of love and light. Until the Real Housewives Of Dallas arrive with their corrupting energy and soon it will be a place to harvest evil super villains. (The spawn of LeeAnne?) Kameron’s version of meditating is watching Legally Blonde and comparing notes, so she does not absorb this at all.

Just as the sun goes down they do a mediating sound bath which was amazing. Afterwards D’Andra cries because it was a release of all the stress she’s feeling about her failing business. And what a way to come down from a drunk buzz, only to climb right back into the tequila bottle immediately afterwards. As we learned from Real Housewives Of Orange County, mixing meditation with margaritas, well, don’t mix! Instead of bringing out the peace and positivity, it seemed to open up everyone’s sense of anger. Cue dinner!

LeeAnne Locken

D’Andra is a fun drunk, but her Spanx must be too tight or bunched up from being put on in the back of a bus, because over dinner SHE’s the one who riles everyone up by deciding Kary and LeeAnne need to “talk.” And dinner started out so promising – even with Brandi jumping on the table, barefoot, to bump and grind before appetizers (no bueno!) thus breaking one of Kam’s ettiquete rules: dancing on the table can only happen after you eat. HA.

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Kam and Kary are a love story made in the cocoon of a folded lettuce leaf, stuffed with the forbidden fruits of salsa, chicken, and possibly some elicit cheese! Yes, they fell in love over those infamous taco salads at D’Andra’s house. Kam replicates this moment by ordering an Americano taco salad of spinach crepes in Mexico.

With all this love being shared, D’Andra decides it’s time for Kary and LeeAnne to find some for each other. LeeAnne proposes that she and Kary go talk one-on-one, but D’Andra demands this happen right there at the table over appetizers.

D’Andra believes that if LeeAnne takes Kary aside that’s how information gets twisted, and secret information spread. D’Andra does know LeeAnne very well, I’ll give her that! So, Kary explains why her feelings were hurt and apologizes, then LeeAnne apologized for being negative. It should’ve stopped there. But alas, LeeAnne had to one-up herself with more spiels about how she’s the victim. She was feeling soooooooooooo left-out; like everyone on the trip was against her, so she lashed out, stayed up all night taking sleeping pills, and it’s all everyone else’s fault. Um, what about her BFF, Kam? Everyone just rolls their eyes at this, but lets it go. Everyone except Brandi.

Brandi is supposedly in a good place with LeeAnne, but not really, because according to Brandi this is the ‘old LeeAnne’ that she hates; rearing her old head with her old hair. I agree! This is classic LeeAnne – using Kary’s newness to the group, and eagerness to be included, to her advantage. I don’t think Brandi should have chosen this time, while she’s intoxicated, to try and call LeeAnne out, but she’s right. Kary, to her credit, told Brandi she’s trying to form her own opinion about LeeAnne.

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Kameron Westcott

And then Kameron interjects to complain that Brandi and Stephanie are too cliquish and are ruining the dynamic of the group by excluding others. I don’t know why or how this escalated, but I mean, booze + Brandi + being near LeeAnne = disaster.

According to Kameron, who really does live inside a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper (it’s like a taco, but not-o, girl), Brandi and Stephanie have such loyalty to each other no one else can get inside, and they should be calling each other out when the other is wrong. It really made no sense, but the gist was that Kameron is the one being excluded?

Brandi Redmond

It seems like Kameron is trying to blame Stephanie and Brandi for the room debacle, and basically for being friends. Yes, friends should call each other out in asshole moments, but as Brandi very, very inarticulately states “fucking Kameron” didn’t call LeeAnne out then. Kameron, shocked at Brandi’s foul mouth and wanting her to wash it out immediately, tosses a napkin in Brandi’s face and calls her trash. In response Brandi bellows across the restaurant that Kameron can “go suck a dick!” I guess Kameron literally was throwing her napkin in the garbage!

Kary chases after Kameron, telling her how great she is and that she sympathizes with her and understands her, and no one else does. If you speak ‘Kameron,’ that’s not something to brag about, Kary!

Kameron’s problemo is that she doesn’t understand that she’s a hypocrite. Kameron calls  Brandi trash, while considering LeeAnne a good friend. When anyone points out this double-standard Kamsplaining occurs. Kameron doesn’t need a reason for liking LeeAnne, but she can’t go around pretending to be offended by Brandi’s behavior when LeeAnne essentially behaves the same way. LeeAnne has screamed the F-word more than anyone on this show.

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LeeAnne tried to shove her BFF Tiffany Hendra in front of a streetcar. I’m not saying LeeAnne is trash (she’s the garbage pile from Fraggle Rock, an eccentric queen of scraps and scrappy sometimes wisdom), but it’s strange bedfellows for someone like Kameron who’s morally offended by uncouth behavior.

Even worse is that Kameron starts to turn on Stephanie. Stephanie who came over to see if she’s OK – ignoring Brandi walking down the beach, alone! Kameron yells at Stephanie for always defending Brandi, no matter what, and not trying to get to know her for who she is.

Kary tries to explain that Kameron has her own opinions, that she is not just “LeeAnne’s little dingleberry,” but that is exactly what Kameron is! She hides behind LeeAnne, and this argument she’s having right now, is totally LeeAnne’s fight. LeeAnne is always the one who saw Brandi as being in the way of her friendship with Stephanie, and now here is Kam parroting these same ideas. But at least I see what Kam and LeeAnne both have in common: they’re both always the victim! And Kameron certainly sees herself as being the victim of an exclusionary social group.

D'Andra Simmons Drunk

The saving grace in all of this drunk D’Andra. Who is literally the only one having fun. At the table with LeeAnne they have a sweet moment. D’Andra is so drunk she’s literally speaking pig latin and then LeeAnne has to walk her to the bus. Then D’Andra falls down on the sand, laughing hysterically, with her spanks waving in the air. Full bush in a bush!

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On the bus, Kameron offers a half-assed apology to Brandi by trying to say it’s Branid’s fault for assaulting her virgin ears with the F-Word. If D’Andra’s drunk craziness weren’t a distraction they’d all be either fighting to the death at Kary’s house, or in bed, backs turned to each other, college dorm room in the second semester when you really hate your roommate.

D'Andra Simmons Stephanie Hollman

I don’t know what language Drunk D’Andra is speaking but it’s a primal, and probably could solve US diplomacy issues. After having Kary put her bathing suit on for her, then grinding on Stephanie, D’Andra Facetimes Jeremy her twat.

Meanwhile at the pool… Kary finally checks in with Brandi to see if Kameron apologized, and Brandi explains that this isn’t the first time Kameron has made the Trash comment, and those wounds go deep. When Brandi was a child she was bullied for being poor and living in a trailer. Other kids weren’t allowed over to her house. Brandi literally pulled herself up from her bootstraps. What Brandi realizes, standing there all alone in the pool in a crooked bathing suit, reflecting on her life, is that Kameron considers her trash, and it makes Brandi feel like she’s not good enough to be part of this group.

Kameron Westcott Kary Brittingham Brandi Redmond

Kary, who is emerging as quite the shit-stirring ‘peace maker,’ asks Kameron to come over so Brandi can explain how she’s feeling, but Kameron gets instantly defensive and insists she was calling Brandi’s behavior “trashy.” When Brandi points out that throwing a napkin in her face is trashy (cause it is!), Kameron snaps that she’s mortified by her behavior and Brandi is trying to play victim, when she’s the one who deserves an apology. Then Kameron storms away.

RELATED: Kameron Westcott Teases “Friction” Between Herself And ALL Of The Real Housewives Of Dallas, Except Kary Brittingham

Stephanie finds Brandi crying into Kary’s arms about how hurt she is. Stephanie is furious at Kameron – not just on Brandi’s behalf, but for Kameron insinuating that Stephanie isn’t a good friend. Kam – projecting mucho, girl? And Stephanie has to share a room with her!

I love Kam but this was bad form. She needs to separate herself from LeeAnne a little bit. And yes, Brandi DOES behave trashily, but it’s who she is, and although I agree much of Brandi’s behavior is awfully questionably, Kameron has some serious double-standards where Brandi is concerned that don’t make sense to me.

Brandi Redmond

Brandi’s new interview look, the blue, is super sensational though. A personal best!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]