It’s the final charter of the charter season which means we’re almost at the end of the rope for Below Deck Mediterranean. The last charter is a bunch of financial guys from New Jersey or Cali or someplace that breeds tools like it does venereal disease and inflation.
The primary is actually named Randy Madrid. Which is a name no one actually has. It’s a stripper name. Or what somebody changes their name to when escaping their criminal past or trailer park childhood. Basically, I expect Season 2 of Dirty John to be about someone named “Randy Mardid” who has 6 fake passports and a couple of baby mamas down in Idaho and Louisiana, and drives a mysterious Lamborghini to his computer job in the McDonald’s lobby. Which coincidentally is also where Colin Macy-O’Toole takes his dates.
Randy takes his dates on a cruise around the Mediterranean so I guess we know why Colin is single. Except Randy is dating a woman traveled to France, but is afraid to eat French food. Perhaps Colin needs to proposition Randy’s girl for a little tet-a-tet at Mickey D’s.
Instead, the one being propositioned is Hannah Ferrier. Everyone is all over Hannah this episode, mostly Captain Sandy Yawn (who is perpetually unimpressed). And Dan, a financial tool who looks like a boiled turnip, who is impressed with everything Hannah does. Hannah thinks Dan is hot. Because Hannah also thinks Dan is rich and will rescue her from Sandy. Anyone who is friends with someone named Randy Madrid and is requesting a Moulin Rouge party cannot be considered hot.
Before these fine people arrive there is news: Jack Stirrup and Aesha Scott have finally entered connubial bliss! And it was worth the wait. “Hallelujah” Aesha shrieks when she finally gets a glimpse of Jack’s package. It was such a delight to open that she only slept for one hour.
Meanwhile, Ben Robinson is cheering for another reason: it’s almost the last supper of his insurrection of Hannah. Ben looks like a baby owl when he wakes up. He’s also in a mood so cranky you’d think he’d been here for an entire charter season.
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Ben is directing all of his frustrations onto Hannah and her crew because he feels like Sandy’s frustration gives him the right. Ben feels Hannah is too lovey with the stewardesses so they’ve have risen above their stations to thinking they are on par with the chef. Anastasia Surmava, who once was at Ben’s station (technically), makes the crucial mistake of asking Ben to help bring in provisions. HIS provisions. Instead of helping, Ben complains to Hannah about being told what to do by “the less important” stewardess. RAWR. Later, Ben offers to help the deckhands put fenders out, though.
Both Ben and Sandy feel that Hannah lets her friendships with the stews get in the way of effective leadership,. But I say the guests have been consistently happy all season, so who cares!? Sure, Anastasia is lazy as fuck, but I mean… honestly it’s a day late and a dollar short to be mentioning it now, so Ben needs to get over it.
I suppose the problem is that the deck crew has been doing double-duty all season. They are STILL helping interior by doing dishes/clearing nightly, yet they’re also doing their work, plus anchor watch. For the final charter though Joao Franco is out sick with a fever of 102.4 (is production checking his temperature? Rectally?). Which means the deck crew is a person – a whiny zimbot, to be precise – down.
Travis Michalzik is promoted to temporary bosun. Travis actually has much more experience than Joao, which makes me think Joao was only bosun for Bravo, or that Travis agreed to come on Below Deck Mediterranean believing he’d be bosun, then was demoted to Lead Deckhand shortly before filming. This would explain his salty attitude — or that could just be Travis being Travis!
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The deck crew is completely fine without Joao! Even with rough seas, docking goes perfectly. Unfortunately, the bad weather means the guests will be staying indoors for most of the charter, which does little to improve Ben’s mood, as he knows the food will be more crucial than ever now. I do love the dramatic weather music Bravo used to convey the tension of rain on your vacation day.
To start things off right, Ben wants to impress the guests with crackers! “Crackers for crackers!” Hannah snivels making Ramona Singer eyes at Aesha and pantomiming biting her right up. Hannah is only truly happy when she’s up to something. And that something is passive-aggressively torturing Ben. “Less love more work,” decrees Ben, “I love you! I Love youIloveyouIloveyou! Crackers!” Hannah responds.
Ben’s cheese plate does deserve a million heart eye emojis though! Also Ben’s schmoozing of the guests and purring about how he’ll feed them snails. Buttery, savory, moist(!) and tender(!) snails. Won’t you trust this pied piper of petit gris?! From the corner of the main salon, Sandy hovers, watching Ben, work. Like an overanxious mom at a piano concert. She probably video taped it to watch later and cry.
In stark contrast, the stews are off in their own world. The stewardesses abandoned the guests while they were in the hot tub, leaving Colin to try and anticipate their whims. They want a cooler of beer. Colin wants his mommy to make him ravioli. He frantically radios for Hannah, then Aesha, lastly Anastasia … Is anybody out there to rescue Colly-Wolly?! Finally, Hannah responds while Sandy is literally tracking her, on her way to assist the guests herself. Um, doesn’t Sandy have a boat to steer?
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Sandy directs Hannah to tell the deck crew to keep an eye on guests too since water sports aren’t happening. Hannah makes the mistake of telling Sandy she already communicated that. Then, here comes Colin to put Hannah on blast by admitting – accidentally – that Hannah never said any such thing.
Sandy is livid. So livid that she could inflate her anger and turn it into a giant slide which can’t be used because of storms. Always more storms. The only thing that will save Hannah from this hot water of hot tub doom is a tacky burlesque show and some plastic streamers.
Luckily, these guests are boring. Total basics who are overgrown frat boys talking about the financial market. Which is why interior is stuck making a Great Gatsby party. Remember when Anastasia complained that literally every table decor in France was “tacky as shit” and too terrible to even buy? Yet here they are tacking up Party City streamers above a black satin table cloth strewn with gold beads and other plastic crap.
Sandy loves it. I was left wondering who let that really terrible Trading Spaces designer, Hildi, take over. Seriously it was so basic, which I guess was perfect for these guests, but certainly didn’t resemble the photos Sandy showed Hannah a couple episodes back. Hannah could’ve done a sophisticated elevated Gatsby; more Bahz Luhrmann, less high school prom.
Ben, meanwhile, is really elevating dinner. To make escargot more palatable to these suburban Americans, he serves it with pizza crust. Which, I mean, sure why not, I guess. His goal is to make primary’s girlfriend tell the story of this one time, in France, she ate a snail. And even though she was afraid of slimy things from another species she tried it because YOLO, and it was actually good. They also love the foie gras and all the tips of toast. So Ben’s hysteria about the perfect meal paid off. And the next morning the sun comes out! Hurrah.
Joao has woken from the dead so Colin no longer has to sleep in Aesha and Jack’s room to avoid germs. Which is a hilarious oxymoron because I am sure there are way more germs in that den of depravity than in Joao’s quarantine. Also worse stuff… Noises Colin doesn’t understand coming from under the bed. Is it a monster, Mommy?!
Sandy still wants Joao to avoid the guests, just in case, but Joao is itching to get back to work. Mostly because he fears Travis usurping his role and Sandy realizing Travis is the better man for the job. To prove how invaluable he is, Joao volunteers for anchor watch – against Sandy’s wishes – because duh, no one wants to be deathly ill the first day they’re off the boat!
Meanwhile with the warm weather, the guests can eat outside and enjoy water toys! By the time they sit down to breakfast coffee isn’t made. Which seems perilously cruel. Coffee should always come before food (at least to this American). Yet, Anastasia is nowhere to be found to procure a cappuccino. And so begins a familiar game we’ve all come to know and love on Below Deck Mediterranean “someone, someone, Hannah… Someone, someone Hannah…”
Today that lucky someone is Anastasia! June has a better butterfly ring to it! Anastasia was supposed to be stationed near the coffee pot, but instead she was taking selfies. See – I told you June cursed her!
Being that it’s the last charter, Hannah decides against saying anything to Anastasia over her dereliction of duties. Ben and Sandy do not agree! Since there have been precious few beach picnics this season (Eze was enough to satisfy an entire season’s worth) the guests have generally been fairly low-key during the day, their demands emerging only for dinner. For the final supper of the season, Ben and Hannah are at least on the same page with wanting to wow the guests by going out with a bang.
The theme is Moulin Rogue, and while the table still beith tacky, Hannah has upped her game by hiring can-can dancers to sneak aboard, limber and sequined, to perform after Ben’s deconstructed surf & turf supper. Travis, tender driver to end all tender drivers, picks them up while Anastasia sits her butt on the table where people eat to stuff cream-colored roses into white napkins to compliment white candles. The table, alas, was tacky and dull (and clashing).
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Then dinner was a mess because Ben felt rushed by Hannah seating the guests too early and then ordering him to plate the main course before he was mentally prepared. Ben is more high maintenance than even the worst of guests. After the final dinner he is so stressed Sandy has to debrief with him while Aesha gives him a massage. You know, Sandy never hugs Ben. That’s her preferred mode of therapy, after all!
The can-can was a success, more so for Sandy than the guests. And even more exciting Dan asks Hannah for a “cheeky roadie” before going down to bed, then meets her at the bar while she prepares it. But alas, cheeky roadie is where it starts and ends, because it turns out Dan is not single. Womp, Womp.
The next morning everyone on interior has senioritis. Honestly Anastasia has had senioritis since her demotion! It’s a beautiful morning and the deck crew gets out every. single. toy (even the damn water bike) for the guests’ last moments on board. Meanwhile, at 8:30am Anastasia is putzing around making messages in a bottles for the table. Using tea bags to make paper look like parchment, stuffing them in old Veuve bottles, forgetting she’s at work until Sandy comes down to see the table not set. Also, Hannah is not awake. In fact, the interior looks completely abandoned.
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Anastasia’s justification is that breakfast isn’t until 10:30am. Also since she’s been by herself while the deck crew has 3 people they could’ve helped. WRONG. Wrong thing to say to Sandy who is sick of excuses and is determined that for this last charter she’s going to make sure interior works up to her standards. Sandy demands Anastasia wake up Hannah and Aesha immediately to get the table set.
Hannah wakes up to Sandy on the warpath, rummaging through the kitchen to see if Anastasia made breakfast provisions. Guess what – THERE IS NO JUICE (or justice)! Maybe Sandy should write a message in a bottle instead of radioing for breakfast? According to her it is not inviting if the guests come out of their cabins and have no place to have their coffee, therefore the table must be set as priority number 1. What is Sandy’s sudden obsession with table settings?
Hannah tries to explain that she and Aesha were up late managing dinner and, therefore, it’s fine to have Anastasia on her own for morning. Except last charter Sandy and Ben explicitly said they wanted two stews for breakfast, but they didn’t say they wanted the table set at the crack of dawn! Ben is still furious that the stews get so many naps as if Hannah is running a nursery school, not a super yacht.
Sandy’s issue with Hannah is that when Hannah puts in effort it’s top notch, but Hannah has to be nagged constantly to put in that effort. Sandy feels she should want to bring her A-Game every time. Without prompting. The inevitable Sandy/Hannah showdown has been brewing all season and it’s finally arrived. Except Hannah’s heart is no longer in it. She believes she’s gone above and beyond all season, but Sandy is never satisfied. Maybe the problem is Sandy, not Hannah! We end on a cliffhanger with Hannah declaring that it’s time for Sandy to find herself another chief stew!
TELL US – DO YOU THINK SANDY IS BEING TOO HARD ON HANNAH?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]