Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: With A Little Help From My Zen

I don’t know who put Real Housewives Of Orange County on Adderall but thank you Tamra Judge‘s Jesus because this season is so good. So much was packed into a 10 hour time period it was like drama sardines.

Shannon Beador is at Urgent Care deciding if she wants to press charges against Kelly Dodd for assault, or assault Kelly with guilt tripping and shaming over the harm she’s done to Shannon’s zen cortex. As if that’s gonna work. HA! Also if the police showed up to question Kelly she would assume they were strippers and start propositioning them.

Being the good friend that she is, Tamra is in the doctor’s office laughing behind her hand. Tamra is thanking herself for all the good work she is doing driving a huge, HUGE wedge between Shannon and Kelly after conniving Shannon her leaking spinal fluid was making her go blind. 

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Ba-Dong-A-Dong

At the resort the power is still out and they only have candles, which is probably some weird energy healing exercise. Kelly, Emily Simpson, and Braunwyn Windham-Burke put on their best club wear to trek through the forrest to find Gina Kirschenheiter and dinner. Gina is all alone, eating. Just like at home. Wherever you go, there you are in the casita of your mind!

Luckily the crystal healer tells Gina to hold a rock for 9 minutes, and she feels good. Good like she bought a trunkful of leggings after 3 margaritas. Good like it won’t last because you’re gonna be pulled over and asked to recite the alphabet backwards when you can only read in emojis.

Kelly Dodd Gina Kirschenheiter

If Shannon, or anyone, expects Kelly to feel remorseful after that “love tap,” they are barking up the wrong Joshua tree, because Kelly thinks she did Shannon a favor by “knocking some sense into that bitch.” Kelly is so doubled-down on defending her actions she bops Gina on the head to demonstrate how she “barely hit” Shannon. KELLY – stop playing Little Bunny Foo Foo with your friends! Also two wrongs, do not make a right!

Proving that she’s been hanging out with Shannon too much, Gina flies into an over-reacting fit. Braunwyn immediately goes into mom mode and demands Kelly apologize for not keeping her hands to herself. Obviously Kelly shouldn’t have hit Gina (or Shannon), but all of these women are in the heightened emotional states of prisoners of war. Well, they are prisoners of Shannon’s forced healing agenda…

RELATED: Tamra Judge Says Gina Kirschenheiter Is In A New Relationship

Gina and Kelly argue about who is the bigger disaster and most out of control Draw? Suddenly Kelly just starts laughing, making everything seem fine. They’re all having a cocktail when the lights flicker on. Let this be a metaphor! And let the staff laugh on, because this is the most honest emotion they’ve seen since 1995 when Oprah cried into a baked potato in the communal cafeteria.

Kelly thinks if Gina and Shannon just got the crystal isotopes out of their asses they’d have an open passage-way to let the zen in. Or out… We don’t know which way the positive energy flows up in here!

Sadly cocktails cause the energy to flow right back into the shitter. Whatever temporary peace Gina and Kelly forged five minutes earlier turns into another argument when Gina comments about Kelly being rude to her in LA. That’s when Kelly uses her Kelogic to decree that Gina has no right to offer advice because she’s an unaccomplished woman with a DUI who can’t pay her bills. So basically Gina is Kelly? Who also went to jail, and lives off her divorce settlement?

Gina Kirschenheiter

Braunwyn tries to bring it to a level they can all understand — Gina is their little sister and they can boss her, but not too much because it’s hard trying to keep up with the Kellys. Wrong, analogy, wrong! Gina is actually the goddess Barbie, not sad little Skipper. Cause according to Gina she is both mature and accomplished. Someone PUH-LEASE get this girlie a dictionary.

Did I mention they’ve only been there 4.5 hours at this point? And already Gina is threatening to leave, stomping around in her Herman Munster boots. Emily attempts to calm her down, but that backfires when Gina yells at Emily for making her inviting her to Vegas, which makes Emily is a shitty friend in Gina’s time of need. Emily starts sobbing because she considers Gina a best friend. Echoing Shannon and Tamra (obviously) Gina complains that as a lawyer Emily should know better than to invite her on a boozy trip at this time.

Um, lawyers are people too – people who also need their friend when they are about to do an off-key strip tease in front of their in-laws in a Ponzi scheme resort after their husband snubbed her on national TV for their anniversary. Gina knows this, but she plays dumb and then accuses Emily of trying to hide the truth about her marriage. Even though when they were in LA Emily actually cried about this very thing!

Gina is the worst. She’s the type of friend who only likes you for what you can do for her. Like throwing in Emily’s face that Tamra and Shannon understand what she’s going through and are THERE for her. Unlike Emily who is in Vegas, humble bragging about her fabulous trip, while Gina is going to Costco in an uber cause she can’t drive her kids to the beach.

Emily Simpson Kelly Dodd Braunwyn Windham-Burke

It’s never enough sympathy for ‘Gina Beador’, apparently! “I need support and you weren’t freaking around,” she complains. Emily also has kids, a job, a deadbeat husband, overly-involved in-laws, a party-planning business, and RHOC. She is not Gina’s conjoined twin, and if Gina needs that much help she should abandon reality tv and move home to live with her parents. Who will drive her to the jersey shore and probably also pick Skipper up from the kegler. Furthermore Gina is so mature she wouldn’t need Emily, (or Tamra and Shannon) to babysit her. Also I cannot with Gina’s ratty extensions flying around.

Speaking of uber — here come Tamra and Shannon. “It was really nice of you not to have Kelly arrested,” Tamra soothes, just as Kelly calls to berate Tamra for escorting, delusional, melodramatic Shannon to the hospital with her fake injury. What was Shannon saying about making Kelly feel bad? Should’ve had her arrested so Kelly and Gina can hang out in the unaccomplished girl clink together. I’m sure they’d get a real hot eligible man on

As Shannon hyperventilates over Kelly’s screaming, Tamra now believes Vicki Gunvalson: Kelly is an aggressive, probably coked out mess who is a train enthusiast on the weekends. ALLEGEDLY.

RELATED: Vicki Gunvalson Disgusted With Kelly Dodd For Hitting Shannon Beador With A Mallet

Also SHANNON DID NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF A CONCUSSION! My son had a concussion this summer. The protocol for even the mildest head injury is no alcohol, screens, or any physical activity – especially for the first 48 hours! Getting trashed with Vicki G is totally against medical advice! Shannon’s headache is from dehydration, and emotional drain from freaking out for 5 solid hours. Kelly’s gonging and subsequent outburst was cruel, but she’s correct that Shannon emotionally hijacks every situation with her constant need for validation.

With Gina running around in the dark with a rolly bag, Kelly, Emily, and Braunwyn decide to steal some dinner and run. So they hop on a golf cart, which Emily cannot drive, herky-jerky spilling drinks as they peel out. “Make sure my coleslaws ok!” Emily shrieks, off-roading through the dessert.

But at Villa # 7, staring at her plate of coleslaw, the sad reality dawns on Emily that she has lost her BFF to the evil stepsisters Tamra and Shannon who are jamming a glass slipper from Rodeo Drive on Gina’s foot and telling her she’s an accomplished woman who can raise three kids on her own in a home with just piles of laundry for furniture. What Gina needs is a sign that says “#AccomplishedWoman” (the new #GirlBoss) in marquee lights to put above her bed. Barbie means business! But seriously – Gina is annoyed that Braunwyn compared her to a little sister, but how exactly are Tamra and Shannon treating her any differently?

While Kelly is communicating with the fridge and asking it to take her its leader to see if they want some Positivity Beverage, Braunwyn counsels Emily. She hits the bowl on the head when she states that Gina is picking fights with Emily because she’s hanging out with Shannon and Tamra.

Vicki Gunvalson

Finally Vicki arrives with In-N-Out-Burger (when there are no casseroles, what else is a gal to do?!) also bearing good news: According to former police something-or-other Steve Lodge, Shannon has one year to decide if she wants to press charges for felony assault. Gina, who has returned, looks less than thrilled to see Vicki. You can’t buy her love with special sauce!

Shannon Beador Tamra Judge

The next morning Kelly is ready to let the healing begin. She even wore her workout gear. So she ventures over to Shannon’s villa, but only if Vicki promises to stay in her room. Upon being told that she’s in timeout, Vicki comes lurching out, bloated and exhausted – like a yeti, but agrees – only if she can keep the door open! So for Kelly’s entire conversation with Shannon we are treated to Vicki’s face frozen in strange open-mouth grimace. What a look!

Kelly and Shannon wind up arguing (big surprise!) about whether or not Shannon faked her concussion because she’s an extreme narcissist bitch manipulating for sympathy. “I want to have a good time. You want to stay here and self-loathe,” Kelly shrieks. YES. YES. YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS.

Kelly Dodd

Kelly does apologize –  hitting Shannon was so wrong, after all, but Kelly also admits the problem is that Shannon is trying to force Vicki on her after Vicki ruined her life. Things get so heated Tamra has to hold Kelly back at one point, but strangely, Kelly and Shannon end up hugging and they agree to work on their friendship. Well, if they have one — because Kelly is back to not trusting Shannon. Vicki is the wedge in Kelly and Tamra’s friendship; just as Tamra and Shannon are the wedge in Emily and Gina’s.

Speaking of Emily goes to check-in on Gina who stormed out (again) because Kelly told her to stop butting into her argument with Shannon. Gina really is worse than Tamra with inserting herself into every situation. Nobody wants your used tampon logic, Gina!

RELATED: Emily Simpson Is Getting Hip Replacement Surgery

Emily Simpson Gina Kirschenheiter

Instead of Gina being even remotely understanding that Emily has feelings, she mocks Emily’s hard time with Shane and going to Vegas to dance for her in-laws. Emily looks shocked as Gina accuses her of not being supportive enough because all she does is call or text to check in, whereas Shannon and Tamra take her out and buy her things. I am so glad that Emily threw right back in Gina’s face that if she’s so worried about her image and staying on the right side of things, she wouldn’t be guzzling tequila in the back of a bus with Shannon, or partying until 4 am on a so-called wellness retreat! Why does that place even have alcohol?! As Emily points out the real problem is Gina wants to be in with the popular crowd and as soon as Shannon accepted her, she dumped her real friend. Gina SUCKS. She deserves Tamra.

Also I don’t know what crystals Emily and Kelly touched, but they are on it with the truth. Can’t heal if you hide, girls.

Gina is just as bad as Shannon with demanding everyone feel bad for her. Finally Kelly comes in to try and work things out, but Gina starts lecturing Kelly for not being sympathetic either even though she always has Kelly’s back. Like when Vicki was spreading more rumors, as recently as Emily’s daughter’s birthday party, Gina defended her. Why was Vicki even there? Why wasn’t Vicki in snake face paint?

Kelly decides to just let it go and offers Gina the ultimate consolation prize: a Xanax. Kelly flees back to her own villa only to find Emily crying over Gina.

Kelly is hilarious. She is the one attacking everyone, then five minutes later complaining that in this beautiful healing resort no one should be fighting, yet Kelly is starting all the fights. She’s hugging someone one minute; whacking them the next… Kelly doesn’t know where one argument ends and the other begins!

All of this happened before breakfast, so now they have to find something to do with the rest of the day. Tamra, Emily, and Kelly decide on aerial yoga. Even though Emily would rather have “a snack and a nap. Where is that yurt?” she wonders. Um, Vicki’s casita with the leftover In-N-Out?

Meanwhile Braunwyn and Gina go for a meditation walk. Which probably isn’t supposed to include talking shit about your BFF. Gina doesn’t care how hanging with Tamra and Shannon makes Emily feel. “Emily being concerned about my other friendships instead of being there for me is what’s hurting my friendship with Emily,” Gina snaps. Because Emily is Gina’s emotional servant?

Shannon and Vicki interrupt class, immediately putting Kelly in a foul mood. You’r truly living yoga if you’re able to stay with your breath while your enemy is a meditation stone’s throw away!

Tamra Judge Shannon Beador

After aerial yoga it’s Tamra’s turn to pile onto Emily by demanding an explanation for not being invited to Vegas. Which is so shitty and ridiculous! Emily is correct – they only wanted to mock her for Shane not showing up, not be supportive. They have absolutely NO right to try and guilt Emily for not including them. They do not like her! Shannon was just complaining that Emily ruined the LA trip. Tamra did call Emily Shrek.

Emily Simpson

Emily concedes that she’s closed off, and reminds them that it’s with good reason. Vicki pipes in that they all have good intentions. And just as Emily agrees to move forward with Tamra and Shannon, Kelly interjects to call Vicki a hypocrite! Then storms out of yoga.

Vicki Gunvalson

HEALING, Kelly’s ass!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]