Who wants to know more about the life and times of Luann de Lesseps? If you answered “yes”, then Bravo has a treat for you – an hour long look into what happens before you join the largest reality TV franchise in history. Dust off your book of etiquette and brush up on your française, because it’s time to chat with The Countess of Real Housewives of New York.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the subject on everyone’s lips was blood and Luann de Lesseps. Does Luann have blood on her hands for ruining the group in her refusal to play the role of Bethenny Frankel‘s sycophant? Well, it appears none of that matters quite so much in the wake of Bethenny‘s health issue.
I don’t even think Luann made an appearance last night, but she was revived with her own ‘Before They Were Housewives’ special which aired after the show and my has she had quite a fascinating life.
Anyway, unfortunately, both Bethenny and Jules Wainstein spent their off-hours at Lenox Hill Hospital getting their vaginal areas investigated and mended. More on that later…
Last week, on the premiere of Famously Single, we met the cast of “celebrities”, who are really just a hodge podge of randos desperately clinging to what little notoriety they once had. We were left with the cliffhanger of finding out who their new dating coaches would be and (plot twist!!!) it’s two of the people they met while out boozing it up and misbehaving in some run down VIP section of a club.
SURPRISE! It’s Laurel, who was sexually propositioned by a sloppy drunk Willis McGahee and Robert, who was dismissed by Aubrey O’Day. The dating coaches begin to share their feedback and Robert admits that he found it refreshing that Aubrey could go deep in their conversation but was disappointed that she didn’t think he was good enough for a goodbye. Laurel basically told Willis in the nicest way possible that he is gross. She also had interactions with Calum Best, who she thought was playing for the cameras and Josh Murray, who was downright rude. Dr. Darcy Sterling explains to everyone that Laurel and Robert are here to give the Singletons the nuts and bolts of dating while they go through the process.
After rough waters between First Mate Bryan Kattenburg and misguided gnome of a Deckhand Danny Zureikat, we are being treated to some beach sun and fun with the horny charter guests of the moment on Below Deck Mediterranean. Fellow Deckhand Bobby Giancola and Danny have been invited to join the all-male guests to party on the beach and compete to see who can kiss a bar-dancing girl first. You would think I’m making this up, but I can assure you, I’m not. Bobby makes a sad/valiant attempt but is shot down. Danny scores by jumping on the bar and joining her and is rewarded with an awkward kiss on the cheek, which is all this poor girl could muster.
Back on the Ionian Princess, Chief Stewardess Hannah Ferrier isn’t feeling well but won’t let her pride or a migraine take her away from her duties! DeckhandJen Riservato tries in vain to please an unimpressed Bryan with her window cleaning abilities. Hannah is busy calling Danny but to no avail because Danny is knee deep in women, hopping around them like a coked up elf. He finally calls back to Hannah to let them know they are coming back with the guests for dinner, plus 8 random women.
Dr. Drew cuts right to the chase and asks for the status on Kail and Javi’s marriage. Supposedly Kail doesn’t know yet because it’s hard to make big life decisions while he’s gone. We all know she’s made up her mind, so maybe the life decisions she’s unsure of aren’t related to staying in the marriage, but rather what kind of visitation schedule Javi should have for Lincoln or how much child support she should demand. For now, she’s just focusing on her career. Dr. Drew high fives her for being the only one of all the teen moms to graduate from a 4-year university, which makes Kail tear up.
I’m not a doctor, I just play one while I watch TV, so I really must psychoanalyze Vicki Gunvalson. After years of watching Real Housewives, I fully expect ‘The Crazies’ from these ladies (and yes, I am even waiting on Heather Dubrow to have her moment!), but in the case of Vicki there are obviously some deep roots connected to the Brooks Ayers mess.Unlike the other ladies, I am lucky to observe a respectful distance from Vicki’s crazies, which likely makes me a bit more compassionate.
If Vicki would just be honest – ha! – I think it would go a long way in regaining esteem among her castmates. If she would just be open about how she loved Brooks so much and so hard, that she couldn’t force herself to even consider the truth, and just admit that yes – at some point she did have red flags, but so desperately didn’t want to know so she put on blinders. I believe that then she would be able to begin healing with these women – and the audience.
Um, hello! Just like that, some chick who has had maybe twenty-three seconds of screen time all season made every Southern Charm fan ring their bells for Michael to fetch another shot of what the hell?? Cheers to you, Robyn! You so casually dropped that bombshell about your friend that it seemed almost inadvertent. All that was missing was a “bless her heart” to let us know just how calculated that one innocent statement was. What a doozie! But, like Tennessee Williams (who, according to Kathryn Dennis, writes stuff), I digress…
The best things end far too soon…whether it’s the weekend, my paycheck, or this season’s guiltiest pleasure! The finale begins where last week’s episode ends – with Cooper Ray attempting to corral Thomas Ravenel back into his house as Landon Clements narrowly escapes colliding with a mid-sized SUV with her golf cart. At her place down the street, Landon, Craig Conover, Naomie, and Cameran Eubanks rehash the crazy while Shepard “Shep” Rose laments a dinner uneaten. Landon gets upset when Shep defends Kathryn. Did he not just witness her go all “Moncks Corner” on her ass? Shep counters that Landon refuses to take the high road and presented Kathryn with the ammunition. He believes that Landon, Kathryn, and Thomas are far more alike than Landon would ever admit. Now where’s that damn pizza?
We spent the entire season chasing down Brooks’ diagnosis (which came back “LIARFACE!”). After Brooks announced his decision to eschew chemo, everyone just wanted Brooks and Vicki to prove emphatically that he had cancer – non-Hodgkin Lymphoma to be exact, instead he did some Earthing and drank smoothies.