Recaps

Phaedra

Well, part three of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion was literally all over the place. I too was yelling “shut the f–k up”!

And of course, tacked onto the very tail end was the astounding revelation that, for some God-forsaken reason, Jesus, or possibly the devil put it into Phaedra Parks‘ prayer cloth that she should start a totally baseless rumor that Kandi Burruss is a secret lesbian menage-a-trois stalker who plotted to drug and rape Porsha Williams. Yep – fun times in libel-land from everybody’s favorite lawless lawyer!

Apparently earlier this year, Phaedra told poor, innocent, unsuspecting (Ha!) Porsha this lurid tale, then sat back on her donkey booty through the entire season to watch as Porsha defended herself and kept Phaedra’s confidences. And never, ever, not once,  did Phaedra utter a word that it was SHE who started this rumor about Kandi. I’m sure Phaedra will handily dismiss it as “shade,” or something she heard ‘on the streets,’ then swat it away with her handbag, give herself a spritz of holy water then waltz into the church pew for some restoration. Except honey-butt: NO – you have burned the place down. Call Willie Watkins and fire up the band cause this big, ole fraudulent lie was your Phuneral By Phaedra!

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Tinsley.Mortimer.Luann.Delesseps.Carole.Radziwill.Dorinda.Medley.Sonja.Morgan.Dinner.Hamptons.RHONY

It’s Go Time! This week’s Real Housewives Of New York picks up right where we left off – in the Hamptons at Ramona Singer’s home, with Dorinda Medley poised to pounce on Sonja Morgan. And pounce, she does. She does NOT make it nice. No, no, no. And Ramona couldn’t be happier (or more Pinot’d up) that she gets to host the party that will launch a thousand storylines this season. Ramona isn’t so happy later on when Carole Radziwill un-invites her to her election party, though. This week also marks the emergence of Tinsley Mortimer out from under Sonja’s tattered wing when she sneaks out for dinner with Luann De Lesseps and Dorinda – but fails to invite her benefactress along! Oh, I could just pinch myself with delight at the Jane Austen-ness of the whole Tinsley/Sonja tableau! It’s just…delicious.

As Sonja and Tinsley stroll into the party, Tinsley is nervous to meet Dorinda. But there’s no need! Because after double kisses with Luann, Dorinda plays nice with Tinsley, trading small talk about how it’s going living at Sonja’s Socialite Rehabilitation Center. But Tinsley goes deep fast, revealing her messy past – then instantly regretting the word vomit. Dorinda’s like, Who cares? I see a limping gazelle strolling through the weeds… She’s got her sights set on Sonja, and only Sonja, tonight.

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A Line Drawn in Concrete

Only “Booboo the Foo” would think it’s OK to get cocky when competing on Survivor. Tonight’s episode had more than one player boast that they “were running the show” and there was a lot of talk about “lines being drawn,” whether in the sand or in concrete. But here’s a prediction: Whomever ends up winning this season can draw a line straight back to the events of this episode, to determine just who ends up coming out on top.

It was explosive, emotional (in a good way this time) and really featured a pivotal Tribal Council that is usually reserved for the merge episode. Let’s get into the events of tonight’s episode, and remember, only read on if you’ve seen the latest episode of Survivor as this is not a straight “recap,” but more of a reaction/discussion of the episode.

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Eileen

It always pains me to see Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills go. Like a visit from a pesky sibling who annoys you the whole time they’re there, but the second they leave it’s like awwwww… but you guys have big diamonds, mini ponies, glam squads, and travel to fancy destinations, and I miss you already. I should note that no siblings of mine have any of the aforementioned things but my sister-in-law does work for Disney World.

Alas, my love-hate relationship with the ladies of Beverly Hills goes deep and none so illustrates this point better than Lisa Rinna. That woman! One part high-octane insanity, one part sensible bluff caller, one part, well, a concoction not currently identifiable. But as Lisa Vanderpump agreed, there’s something lovable about Lipsa!

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Little Women: LA recap

New gal Mary Russell has officially inserted herself into the hornet’s nest of Little Women: LA this season, becoming the newest cast member to cause strife and friction among a group of women who already need deep, prolonged therapy. As Mary holds auditions for her fashion show this week, Elena Gant continues to get her nose out of joint about Mary’s “authenticity” – or, more likely, her success. Which Elena clearly resents, given her own fashion line failure. Terra Jole can’t help but be caught in the middle of her two warring friends – just the way she likes it! But at least Briana Renee doesn’t strip down to her skivvies again. And for that, we give thanks.

We begin with Elena and Jasmine Sorge having lunch. They’ve come so far as mommies dishing about babies now instead of enemies dishing about each other. Both seem grateful for that growth. But Elena has a new target in her sights: Mary, who she sorta-kinda made up with at the Sex Expo, but who she apparently still hates. Because, jealousy is hard. Jasmine’s anger is focused on Briana, who called her out for being “up Terra’s a$$” last week. Finally seeing Briana for the crap friend she is, Jasmine is thiiiiiiiis close to closing the Briana and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] chapter forever. Which will leave Briana with a grand total of zero friends. And her own head up her a$$, where it generally prefers to reside.

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chelsea

Is it just me, or is this season of Southern Charm getting off to a slow start? I guess we do things at a more leisurely pace down here. Last night’s episode cut out one corner of the Chelsea/Austen Kroll/Shep Rose triangle while educating us on the importance of bro code. Additionally, Thomas Ravenel hosted the crew on Edisto Island. At T-Rav’s plantation, Landon Clements is playing house while she preps for the polo match. She is channeling her inner Goop which brings a sparkle to Thomas’ eye. His last lady didn’t know her way around a kitchen, so Landon is a welcome change. As the pretend power couple awaits its guests, both are equally impressed with the other. Thomas has a plantation and Landon is a refined hostess with the most. My dog’s water bowl has more depth. I sincerely hope these two actually end up together. They deserve each other.

Austen has Chelsea programmed in his phone as “Dream Girl” which makes him even cheesier than I’d already assumed. Bless his heart. However, Chelsea seems excited about the pair’s first date, and they are two of the least annoying of the crew. Yes, I realize they have only been in my face for three episodes, so I’ll reserve my final judgment. On their way to Edisto, Austen questions Chelsea’s relationship status with Shep. She reveals that they are both from Hilton Head and may have engaged in a recent make-out sesh with Shep. Tonsil hockey aside, she still thinks Shep is an idiot. Shep 2.0 is happy to hear this news, despite the irony.

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RHOA Part 2 Reunion - Kandi & Phaedra

What can be said about the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion except that everyone hates each other? In Part 2, Andy Cohen put on his “compassion” mask, to make faces more concerned than usual, because the main topic was relationships. And on this show ain’t none of them going well!

Particularly the now irreparable relationship between Kandi Burruss, Kenya Moore, and Phaedra Parks, because these three hate each other more than Pumpkin Spice lattes hate Christmas.

My favorite thing was learning that Phaedra’s middle name is “Creonta!” GIRL, hi! Actually Girl HEEEELLLLOOO! What a name?! And then Phaedra names her sons Dylan and Ayden – like the two most normal little boy names ever? HA.

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rhop-ashley

I don’t know if I can recall in the history of housewives a franchise that has so many cast members referring to themselves in the third person. This trend must be part of some Potomac etiquette that normal folks like you and me are not privy to, so I spent the entire episode of The Real Housewives of Potomac feeling like I was recapping the lives of twelve housewives instead of six. Throw in the fact that they have alter egos and nicknames for their husbands and it gets more complicated than figuring out the state of Robyn Dixon’s marriage/not marriage.

Front and center on the third person train is our newest housewife, the poor little rich girl that is Monique Samuels. She has FOUR HOUSES and will never let an opportunity to tell you about it slip by, but she can’t understand why she is always so misunderstood by other women about what her intentions are. Is it that they are jealous? Or maybe they just can’t even understand how complex her life is and how someone so rich could still manage to fold underwear so big. It is true that she is an interesting addition to the group – the rap school dropout turned wifey to some guy who used to play some sport really well.