Recaps

 my five wives

On last night’s My Five Wives, Paulie’s eldest son Josh leaves for a 2-year mission trip, Robyn shakes up the sleeping schedule with a controversial proposition, and Brady Williams treats Rhonda to a version of National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation for their 15th anniversary.

Because she feels like she can’t connect with Brady in the short time she gets with him every 5 days, Robyn asks if she can have 2 nights in a row with him instead of continue on the 1-night-per-wife rotation. This means that each wife will have to wait 8 days between seeing Brady for their next conjugal “visit.” He seems ok with it, so Robyn’s mission is to now ask the rest of the wives if they’d be on board with each having 2-nights-per-wife going forward. In the interest of less math, we’re going to henceforth call this proposition the TwoPer!

 kourtney-kardashian

This week on Kourtney & Khloe Take the Hamptons, the entire gang is staying at the Hamptons house and man, Kris Jenner is on fire.  She is bitching left and right.  Menopause, maybe? Kim Kardashian is sporting some serious side boob in what I’m pretty sure is a pink leotard.  Yep, a leotard. 

Later that day, Kim, Kourtney and Scott are hanging out on the back deck and Kim blabbers that Khloe needs to drop a few lbs.  Um, whaatttt???  Kim is the LAST person on the planet that should talk about losing lbs.  Kim mentions that she wants a flat ass and Scott chokes on his water mentioning that their huge asses are what keeps the money coming in, so they’ll need to keep them for now.  Kourt is bothered by how irritating Kris is now that she’s been single for awhile and wants to get her dating again to loosen her up a bit.  They’re going to remedy that with a date.  Eeew.

mob wives karen

First, my apologies for the tardiness of the Mob Wives recap. Someone forgot to set the season pass on her DVR. Second, holy craziness, y’all! They are going all out with the drama this season and we’re only two episodes. Wowsers.

Last night began with Karen Gravano in a music studion. No. Just no. Please tell me she’s not making a record! She reveals that she’s ready to move back to New York so she can be closer to Storm and that her daughter is ready to make the move with her. Renee Graziano stops in for a visit, and thankfully we learn that Karen is just listening to music…not making it. The women rant about Drita D’avanzo wanting to crack Renee’s skull because of a rumor started by Natalie Guercio that Renee didn’t even say! What’s worse? Natalie is total cop-caller. You gotta hate a cop caller! Karen reveals that Storm ran into Natalie’s boyfriend London at a night club, and they had a total man conversation about the girls’ drama. I imagine that’s close…I bet they ran into each other at a strip club, Storm bought London a shot, they dished about the rack on the dancing girl while playing a game of “My girlfriend’s crazier than your girlfriend.”

Over drinks, Natalie and London are rehashing Karen’s rat lifestyle. I am so glad I didn’t self-impose a drinking game with the road rat, because I’d be wasted after those fifteen seconds. London reminds Natalie that they are going to have to see these people given they’re on the same show, and he begs her to take the high road. He’s not bothered by Storm. Natalie talks a big game about how she isn’t scared of Karen, but she also used the phrase “beefin’ on social media” so I just can’t take her seriously.

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kyle richards and yolanda foster in mallorca spain

Last night friendship was in the air on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, but you know all that love and bonding and fabulous living comes with a price! 

Kyle Richards is preparing for another family vacation – this time on a 100-foot yacht in Mallorca, Spain. One of Kyle’s daughters is already in the South of France for a week with a friend and will be meeting the family in Spain. “Such is the life!” trills Kyle with faux humility. Kyle’s storyline this season seems to be an inferiority complex about proving she’s rich. Every episode is her pretending to be humble, while covertly bragging about flying private and living luxe but she’s actually squee-ing inside that finally she’s arrived. I’m just waiting to see her in a “Very Rich Bitch” t-shirt ala NeNe Leakes

Before Kyle gets packing she visits to Kim Richards, who is preparing for her daughter Brooke’s wedding and wants to preview her Mother Of The Bride dresses. Everything at Kim’s house is scattered, decorated with rejects from early 90’s TV sets, and filled with deathly ill children – it’s all an evil ploy to make Kyle too sick for Mallorca so Kim can go instead, bond with Yolanda Foster, and cosy up to a wealthy Spanish gentleman! “Lysol – take me away!” Kyle puts her hair around her face like a mask to protect her from the germs. Kim’s dress is lovely – good for her. 

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lhh hollywood princess ray mona

I mean, I don’t know if it’s healthy to have back-to-back nights of any VH1 reunion, but last night’s conclusion to Love & Hip Hop Hollywood left me feeling especially brain dead. Nana seems a bit spent after her twerking shenanigans. Mally Mal is on the stage, and he thinks Masika is a cool chick, but Berg is going to learn soon enough that she’s always after the next best thing. When I close my eyes, Mal’s voice belongs to someone who looks like he could be a character on The Big Bang Theory, not this big guy with the girlishly tweezed eyebrows. Berg warns Uncle Fester to stop talking about him, and Mally puts on his shades and takes off his jacket. It’s the equivalent of a Basketball Wife taking off her heels before going bat shiz cray. Mal and Masika argue over who was using who (whom?) to get on the show. Berg reminds Nikki that he’s the one who got her on the franchise. Masika then reveals that Mally Mal is still in contact with her. 

Thankfully we move onto a more sane story line…and that says a lot given it revolves around Fizz, Moniece and Amanda. Moniece, as calm and composed as she is, is clearly certifiable…and stunningly gorgeous. I love that she’s the most well-spoken person on the show, as well as the craziest. As annoying Amanda tries to explain her behavior, Moniece spouts off a list of her amazing qualities and receives a round of applause from her co-stars. Game, set, match…Moniece. Mona revisits Amanda’s infidelities, and Amanda admits that she fell in love with someone else (the other man) after she broke up with Fizz. Fizz reminds her that they didn’t “break up,” he left her sarong-wearing azz. Dear VH1, please don’t make me watch Nikki trying to eat Fizz’ face again. They’re just friends, y’all. #fakerelationshipbymona

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katie maloney learns of tom schwartz's cheating

Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.

Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!

In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!

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LHH Hollywood Reunion 1

Lord help us all, last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Reunion was absolutely ridiculous. Let’s face it, thanks to the Atlanta franchise, these fools (not you, Omarion!) are going to try to amp up the drama just for insanity’s sake. Way to go, Mona! Speaking of, Mona is channeling Madonna circa the mid-90’s with her wardrobe, and everyone giggles when the host jokes about all the partner swapping that goes on in this group. Of course, laughing and getting along doesn’t make for good television as far as VH1 is concerned, and Ray-J somberly reminds everyone that friends sleeping with friends’ exes isn’t cool. Berg quickly reminds his pal that Ray slept with Hazel-E. Wait, does this mean Berg is claiming her as an ex? Surely not! Ray stays mum, and Hazel proudly announces that Ray was her first Hollywood conquest when she was in college.

Teairra Mari and Ray’s relationship is highlighted, from RayJ.com (is that really a thing?) to the Monistat box of clothing to the luggage gifting. Those crazy kids…I hope they make it! Ray seems to be taking anger management seriously, and he apologizes (dare I say, sincerely?) for humiliating his former girlfriend. He seems to genuinely feel badly for his actions. However, he and Teairra are no longer working on their relationship, which is Mona’s cue to bring Princess on stage. She’s looking a lot drier than the last time we saw her, isn’t she? She shares that she and Ray are working things out, and we are reminded of the Ray-Princess-Teairra love triangle. Keeping it classing, Teairra calls Princess a prostitute and requests that she “go choke on a d!@k,” to which Princess sweetly replies, “You were the one choking on a d!@k in a back alley last week.” Whose d!@k, you ask? Why, Yung Berg’s of course! Teairra warns Princess that she is one violent lady, and security starts flanking the stage as Ray tries to calm both “ladies.”

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kandi burruss arranges a meeting so the RHOA ladies can work out differences

Kandi Burruss tried to get Jesus to fix it last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, but I don’t know if any divine intervention occurred or not. 

Claudia Jordan has a new place. She wanted to live in a high-rise condo to hang onto her NYC roots and she apparently hit-up Kim Zolciak‘s yardsale to buy a collection of red Solo cups because she has no dishes or furniture to speak of. Claudia isn’t proud – she knows we’ve all spent many a’day sippin’ on Maddog 20/20 like this was 1993 and we’re in a Coolio video. Claudia invites Kenya Moore over to show off the new place, but then immediately puts her to work assembling iKea furniture while chugging wine out of said Solo cups. Kenya’s all like I didn’t wear my only pair of Louboutins for this. Then she wonders if Claudia has been buying her Louboutins from a Made In Hong Kong authentic discount site and painting the soles red herself. I mean, the only red bottoms that seem authentic in Claudia’s place are the cups! 

Later Claudia and Kenya go to the gym under the pretense of Claudia getting her own stallion booty. Why doesn’t she just ask for the name of Kenya’s Mexican butt doctor? Claudia grew up with an Italian immigrant mother and a black father from NYC. Her dad left when they were kids and she doesn’t have much of a relationship with him.

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