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rhoc-recap-gretchen-sings

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was pretty boring. And by boring I mean tragic. And deafening. Gretchen Rossi tried to sing but she forgot to bring the big, pink plastic handbag holding her autotune with her. Oh the results were more tragic than a Made in Sweatshop plasticine Gretchen Christine handbag. Also plastic her face and now her lips. We'll discuss in a minute…

Moving on to other adventures in RHOC things, are still a mess between Vicki Gunvalson and Brooks. And by a mess I mean Vicki's life and hair are sadly reflecting her inner life. Get a brush and comb things out. Seriously – get a smoothing serum too. And call Dr. V

So let's begin… Gretchen has returned from Whistler and her friendship with Tamra Barney is as frozen and icy as her face. Did I mention her hair doesn't move either but it permanently looks wind swept? How? Mystery of science if I've ever seen one. Let's call Myth Busters! 

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Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta had everything you could ask for in a drama…romance, drugs, infidelity, the possibilty of prison, an unexpected proposal, and, of course, boobs.  Lots and lots of boobs.  VH1, you know what viewers want to see! #sarcasm #ican'tunseejoseline'sbathingsuit

Kirk Frost is livid over Rasheeda's mom's mini-van mayhem that ruined a palm tree and set his moped on fire (after running over it multiple times).  He's willing to give his mother-in-law a pass, but had it been anyone else, he'd have come to blows.  Oh yes, Kirk.  You are so tough.  Rasheeda reveals that she's already spoken to an attorney about filing for divorce, and Kirk actually seems surprised.  He loves his wife and his family, and he's not all about those other women.  He reminds her that she kicked him out, but she tells him she didn't tell him to go screw around…she was hoping he'd fight to stay in her life.  Kirk is trying to skew Rasheeda's words to make his behavior at Benzino's cabin…and he's failing miserably.

Erica Dixon and Mimi Faust are commiserating about Lil' Scrappy and Stevie J. both use money for their daughters to keep the women indebted to them.  Erica is sick of Momma Dee, and she's tired of Scrappy always taking his crazy mom's side.  Mimi can relate…after all, the BMW Stevie bought for her definitely had strings attached.  The women continue to share stories and discuss the wonders of a good boob job.  It's perfectly normal conversation for the driving range!

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Are y'all still watching Hollywood Exes? Hello? Anyone? Two weeks ago, the second season of  Hollywood Exes premiered  to 1.7 million, but nearly half of those viewers failed to watch last week's follow-up episode. Ouch. 

This week,  Mayte Garia frantically prepares to bring a baby  into her home, Nicole Murphy enjoys a little too much tequila prior to giving a public speech, and Jessica Canseco continues to annoy Drea Kelly's face off. Oh, Sheree Fletcher also unpacks some boxes, and I can't help but to wonder how many people will change the channel this week. 

Mayte has just days to prepare her house and fill it with baby stuff. Can you say overwhelming?! While shopping, she tries to focus on essentials only, but Nelly is easily distracted by the cutesy stuff. Pink hats, hand puppets, and pink booties!  Oh my!  Mayte demands that Nelly focus on important things only, saying, "I know what it's like to pack up baby clothes, and I don't want to do it again."

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Bravo's Princesses: Long Island is beginning to wrap up its first (and last?) season. This week, Chanel Omari faces her younger sister's wedding, Joey Lauren's father asks her to move out of his house, Erica Gimbel imitates a monkey to dodge a serious talk about marriage, Casey Cohen continues to serve no purpose, and Amanda Bertoncini sets up a date for Ashlee White

Ashlee's parents are away for the night. Ashlee reveals that she's hosting a sleepover in lieu of sleeping alone like a big girl.  What, no nanny?  Then, Ashlee's mom calls to check in, and the wretched troll complains about a mixed cheese tray. "I'm not serving mixed cheese – that's disgusting," she says. "Poor people mix things." 

Ashlee's sleepover guests include Chanel and Amanda. The girls change into their sleep attire – footed jammies with a diaper flap for Ashlee, satin nightie for Chanel, and Frederick's of Hollywood for Amanda – and settle in for some wine, rich people cheese, and a game of Never Have I Ever.  I swear, these women get more annoying every single week. 

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Oh brother… last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was, well… it was a hot, sticky, ridiculous, mess! 

Things begin with a sauced up and (spray on hair'd up)  Joe Gorga charging the brother-in-law who destroyed his life, Joe Giudice. These people are the living embodiment of a soap opera, only not as devious and calculating. Except for Melissa  So anyway, Poison charges at Juicy and unfortunately Juicy immediately drops him and begins punching him.

Poor Melissa Gorga leaps on top of Juicy to try and pry him away from her precious little husbanito. "Teresa, help your brother!" she screams. 

Teresa Giudice is gonna help alright - girlfriend is grabbing her purse, hightailing it out of there, and telling the producers to call the cops. Fire up that party bus cause mama is fleeing the coop! Just kidding, a panicked Teresa bellows to someone to call the cops. Doesn't Juicy have enough felonies?! Do not call the cops, but do get the mace! Or at least some Fabellini to subdue these people. 

Back inside fight club, it takes all of the remaining Gorgadice (and Wallpaper) family members to pry Juicy off of Poison. Or Poison off Juicy – I really couldn't tell who was up and who was down at that point, except Melissa, who was shrieking and scratching.

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You know, I'd really been so sick of watching Candy Apples and comedian chatter that I was actually looking forward to having the old gang return on last night's Dance Moms…that was until I watched!  I feel so horribly about how those poor girls are treated!

Abby Lee Miller is back in Pennsylvania, and she bragging all about judging Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition.  She chastises all the girls–well, except for Maddie, of course–who didn't come visit her while in Los Angeles, and she reminds her students that she has the attendance rosters so she knows who was slacking off and who was actually practicing.  Christi explains that the moms (minus Melissa, obviously) made a pact not to send their girls to the West Coast competition.

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rhoc-dinner-vicki

Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the battle in the blizzard continued. Vicki Gunvalson tried her darndest to ice out Lauri Peterson after she accused her of threesomes and cheating, but Lauri refused to be silenced. Until Vicki said she'd be her friend again; then Lauri perked up like someone handed her a latte and an AmEx.

Could it be that she thinks Vicki accepting her is her gateway drug back onto RHOC? Let's hope not unless she gets that wonky lip fixed. One would think Lauri froze her face to a -28 degree ice wall instead of Tamra Barney

Things begin with Tamra, Vicki, and their eye makeup meeting for a pre-dinner pow-wow. Vicki is still reeling from her confrontation on the slopes and it obviously clouded her judgment because she was wearing an adults Muppet costume with furry sleeves. She boasted that they're removable, which is a good thing cause she can take them off for dinner so they don't dredge in her food. Fashion meet function, baby! 

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It's time for another installment of everyone's favorite Peach State telenovela!  Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta did not disappoint.  I found love with the kind hearted Poppa J. who makes Stevie's grossness and disgusting misogynistic actions even more of a mystery to me.

Rasheeda comes to Mimi Faust's apartment to vent about husband Kirk Frost's behavior at the lake with Benzino.  She reveals that, yes, she did tell Kirk to do him, so she can't be totally shocked by his trysts.  Um, no.  She told Kirk to do him, she didn't tell Kirk to do video vixens in a hot tub.  A teary Rasheeda remembers the Kirk she met as a teenager and cries that she didn't get married to get divorced…especially pregnant with his child.

Lil' Scrappy decides to do the right thing and redo his pee test.  Unfortunately, he's been smizz-ni-oking the marijuizzlefashizzle, and he's hoping the judge will be lenient with him.  Scrap's attorney has also given him the name of a good drug counselor who can help him get to the bottom of why he needs to get high.  One look at Momma Dee raving about how Erica Dixon is a farm animal in the pastures of her palace and I have his answer…free of charge.

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