Have you heard? There's a new show called Farrah's Therapy on VH1. It's a cross between Teen Mom Horror Story and Couples (Table For One) Therapy. The star of the show universe, Farrah Abraham, pretends to cry, makes ugly faces, and blames all of her problems on the strangers living in her house, as well as her parents, while a doctor by the name of Jenn Berman enables her.
Seriously, if VH1 wanted to cash in on the tragedy that is Farrah, why not just create a new show around her? Porn Stars Therapy or Celebrity Liars Rehab?
But I digress. It's day five in the Couples Therapy house. Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter watch Backdoor Teen Mom and come to realize it's not a homemade sex tape. Not even close! It's a fully produced porn film. Whitney says she's not judging the Teen Mom star for having sex on camera, as she's been there, done that – but she has zero patience for Farrah's "sex tape" lies.
The ladies of Mob Wives…whatever are we going to do with them? Between the bleeps and the rat accusations and promises of 90's rappers, my head is still spinning from last night's episode!
Drita D'avanzo is back in the studio to work on her music career. Her rap career is really blowing up…according to her. Sure. After hearing two beats from a potential "Mrs. Moneybags" single, Drita is raring to go. She's ready to lay down some rhymes. She freaks out when she learns that Method Man may also be on the track. Are you kidding me? Wu Tang? Please and thank you. I once saw them open for L.L. Cool J. Amazing.
After Alicia diMichele Garofalo's rat accusations last week, Renee Graziano felt targeted. Renee is walking with Big Ang and going off on Alicia's attack on her character. No one is going to call her a rat and get away with it. Ang stays quiet, but you can tell that she doth thinks Renee protest too much. Drita is dining with Alicia, and Drita feels badly about the position in which Alicia finds herself. She's shocked to learn more about Renee knowing so much about Alicia's case. Feeling stuck between her friends, Drita reminds Alicia that whatever Renee said wasn't out of malice. It's the lifestyle. Meanwhile, Ang is trying to placate Renee who is going off the rails. Did someone say her boyfriend smelled delicious again? Renee is cool being called a lot of things, but a snitch isn't one of them. I am getting hoarse just listening to Renee shriek.
To start the episode, GG meets up with her sister, mortal enemy, and business partner, Leila, to talk about GG's Extensions. They're not meeting with clients, per se, but they are on Bravo. Yet Leila looks like a drowned rat and GG looks like she just came from the gym. Neither are looks I'd strive for when promoting a hair product. Anyway, Leila brings up GG's fight with MJ at Del Mar, because it's been on her mind and totally concerns her. GG points out, if Leila would stop involving herself, she wouldn't be so put out. Leila believes MJ is innocent and GG is out of control. She talked to MJ, so, of course!
GG informs Leila that MJ phoned their mother, calling GG a slut whore bitch and vowing to never be in the same room with her for the rest of her life, on the way home from Del Mar. Leila admits this is news to her, but she adds, "Since forever your story and everybody else's story rarely is the same story."
Last night was the premiere of Teen Mom 2. In case you have been living in a bomb shelter where twitter does not exist, it gave you the opportunity to catch up on what's been happening with our ever responsible ladies.
Jenelle Evans is still atrocious! After marrying Courtland Rogers, getting arrested 3 zillion times, and getting bailed out 3 zillion times she's back home with mom Barbara and terrorizing their peaceful-ish domestic tranquility with her soulless vortex. Apparently we're supposed to be proud of her or something. We're not. She whines that being a teen mom is like sooo super hard – not sure how she would know since she doesn't even interact with Jace when he's sitting right in front of her.
And since the world that is Jenelle is less stable than a drunk sorority girl on a parade float, she has more news. Jenelle takes a walk with her friend to share that getting off heroin is like hard and she's also like pregnant, so she's decided to get an abortion. How many pregnancies this year? "I should have made him put on a condom," Jenelle whines. "I'm so disappointed in myself." Completely monotone insincerity.
Jenelle's mom Babs supports the abortion since she doesn't want to be raising a second grandchild that Jenelle lost track of while she pursued her intensely fulfilling relationship with twitter. Jenelle is glad Courtland is stuck in jail so she doesn't have to tell him about all of this.
Does Abby Lee Miller get meaner with each passing second on Dance Moms? Seriously Lifetime, repetitive hatefulness is getting a tad boring! I guess they throw in some Cathy and her Candy Apples for some change, much like last night, but it's so formulaic it's ridiculous!
It's time for the pyramid, and poor Payton hobbles in on crutches after her incident last week. She lands on the bottom, and Abby accuses her of hurting her ankle by fooling around in the wings, not from tripping over a chair like she claimed. When Leslie challenges Abby for calling her daughter a liar, Abby kicks her off the team. Leslie is happy to go…she doesn't want to subject her daughter to any more of this. Well, that proves Leslie isn't as crazy as I thought she was. As poor Payton shuffles out, Kendall takes her place on the bottom for being so late to the competition. A teary Kendall offers up an apology card to Abby which is quickly dismissed. Nia is third from the bottom and Abby "compliments" her for blending in and not being the subject of her ridicule. As Nia quietly thanks her, Holly wonders just what her daughter has to do to move further up the pyramid. Brooke rounds out the bottom rung for missing some choreography.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules some girls got diamonds and some girls got called a c-u-next-tuesday near the loading dock in the back of a restaurant. Some girls have all the luck… and some girls, well, some girls bawl their eyes out next to the dumpster.
Kristen Doute's season-long crusade over Tom 1's cheating continued, but there was a twist! A big ol' twist. The twist was: after throwing a man-trum and berating Jax Taylor for lying and ruining his life, Tom 1 confessed that he did actually kiss Ariana in Vegas. Not behind the port-a-potty but in the pool of a low-rent hotel. Same difference!
Perhaps Tom 1 was undergoing electro-shock therapy and a in the course of rediscovering joy, he remember the blissful drunken kiss in a Vegas swimming pool under flashing lights that spelled out "Destiny". Or perhaps Kristen waterboarded him with gin mixed with Axe Bodyspray into confessing. Whatever the case, Tom 1 makes a liar of himself and Ariana too. But not Jax!
Ahhhhhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where mothering is a crime against humanity because naturally that's the nanny's job. In Beverly Hills one also needs to be heavily armed and ready at any moment for home invaders. I'd be more worried about closet raiders, but you know if broke into Yolanda Foster's house I'd go straight for the Hermes belt collection. Just me?
We begin at Carlton Gebbia's house where she's hosting a party to promote naked girls. Carlton: the Playboy mansion you are not. Carlton's "nanny", who is never near children ever, which given her behavior is probably a good thing, helps choose exotic dancers to perform.
Carlton drones monotonously for the 400th time that she loves women. I am out of patience with this cougar-in-heat trying to be the Joe Francis of the middle-aged. I'm sure Carlton's daughters aren't embarrassed at allll to be seeing their mother's Sexford Wife shenanigans.
Brandi Glanville adopted a new dog named Buddy to distract her kids from Chica's disappearance. Brandi hates Buddy and complains that he wants to be near her. He peed on her bed – yeah that's annoying, but I'm sure Brandi has also peed on her bed in a drunken stupor.
Can I just tell you how much I love the fact that Joe Budden proposed to Tahiry Jose on last night's Love & Hip Hop with a wad of gum in his mouth? Throughout his romantic speech, he's just chomping away. He gets down on one knee while Tahiry begs him to stand up…that's not a good sign. Tahiry turns down his proposal. She wonders how he can go from allowing a chick to hang out in her bed to buying a ring, and she can't trust him. The Professor decides that he will wait for her to change her mind. A teary Joe walks away, and Tahiry is comforted by her family. Awkward!
Peter Gunz is hanging out at this local cigar shot an awful lot…maybe he's squatting there. Saigon drops in on him to catch up, and he thinks that Amina Buddafly must be a great wife because she's German. Saigon is a lover of German porn. Peter is surprised to hear that his friend has asked Erica Jean to move in with him. He's ready to finally get to know his baby mama, and what better way than living under the same roof?