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vanderpump-rules-recap

Being Jax Taylor is a difficult thing. Being Jax Taylor means swatting away desperate hoards of single women grasping at you like vampires fighting over a corpse. Being Jax Taylor means everyone wants to get you drunk and force you to attend parties with them. Being Jax Taylor means all the guys idolize you. And being Jax Taylor means you are dating Stassi Schroeder which is a whole separate problem of its own. But at least she's hot and lets you crash at her place for free, right?!

Last night on Vanderpump Rules, Jax learned that if he doesn't want to buy his own TV and get his own place, he better listen to Mama Stassi and grow up or sleeping in his car won't be a choice, it will be a lifestyle. Apparently grown ups aren't male models, either. Hasn't Stassi seen Zoolander? #BlueSteel

At 33, Jax is a former big thing in the world of male modeling but as he is no longer quite so young and pretty he's become kind of a small thing. However he doesn't seem bothered by this and seems content to sling drinks at Sur. Jax admits it's impossible to grow up when you're him and suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome. Which doesn't sit well with his ever-patient, ever-loving Swedish Princess Stassi. Poor Jax – I mean it's hard to be dumb as a box of rocks and have a gasoline fight with your fellow male model friends while the camera rolls and the Le Tigre pout schmoozes the lens. 

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rhobh-recap

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is brought you by Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." And it also confirmed two things I've long suspected: 1) Househusbands are like fleas when it comes to the series; unwelcome guests that just annoy the hell out of us and should stay home (I'm looking at you, Mauricio "Maurice" Umansky) and 2) One should never, ever, ever attend a party thrown by Splits Richards. Lets just all stick to parties at Yolanda Foster's from now on. I mean, Babs might attend! 

Things begin with Scheana Marie Famewhore putting on her best "I feel so sad and ashamed" face that she's been practicing in the mirror for weeks in anticipation of her big ol' TV debut. Unfortunately Scheana feels about as bad about squashing Brandi Glanville's marriage as she did squashing the spider she found in her bathroom last week. 

Brandi, on the other hand, is still totally not over Douche King Eddie Cibrian and she narrows her eyes looks right at Scheana and hisses that he's probably cheating on ol' crazy noodles LeAnn Rimes right now. Scheana's eyes get wide, she starts to look nervous, and then Brandi – all 35 feet of her – stands up, looks down at her and breezes out. Scheana does a quick vital signs assessment, realizes she's in one piece, and then runs out as fast as her shaky legs can carry her. 

Brandi breezes into the Office de Vanderpump for a counseling session and a glass of much needed rosé. I need rosé on tap too. Lisa Vanderpump – hook a girl up! 

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Okay, I'll be honest.  I didn't think I'd grow to like this new group on Love & Hip Hop.  I certainly didn't fathom that I'd start changing my tune during the second episode…but I did.  I'm still iffy about Raqi Thunda, but I like Rashidah AliJoe Budden and Tahiry Jose are going to bring the drama

When we last left the new crew, Tahiry and Raqi were involved in some behavior unbecoming of a pool party…unless your on a VH1 reality show.  So, they totally fit right in, I'd say.  Tahiry heads to Rashidah's house to vent to her friend about the situation.  Rashidah is floored to hear that Tahiry went to Joe's pool party, and she's even more floored to hear that Raqi was there.  Rashidah considers her to be "IP"…or Industry What the fab 90's rap song OPP was about.  Classy.  Tahiry admits to blacking out during her altercation with Raqi, and Rashidah accuses her friend of "dumbing down" for Joe.  I like this chick.  She calls it like it is!  Tahiry thinks that something is off with Joe, and she's worried about him. 

We are introduced to Jen Bayer, better known as Jen the Pen.  She's a hip hop gossip blogger and has a radio show.   She is dating rapper Consequence, who is the self-proclaimed best ghost writers in the history of rap.  They've been together for five years and have a baby boy.  He has an impressive resume as he's written with tiny rapper Kanye West, Diddy, and Beyonce.  Jen meets her friend Winter Ramos (who made a brief appearance at that fateful pool party) at Consequence's sound check.  She is Fab's assistant, but she worked with (and slept with) a slew of famous name rappers.  Jen shares with Winter that she's ready to go back to work after the baby.  Winter has recently written a tell-all about her experience in the music industry.  She's put a lot of controversial details in her book, but she's not worried about any backlash. 

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shahs-of-sunset-cabo-resa-farahan-mercedes-mj-javid-fun

Last week on Shahs of Sunset, Reza Farahan, Asa Soltan Rahmati, Mike Shouhed, Mercedes "MJ" Javid, Lilly Ghalichi, and Sammy Younai headed to Cabo San Lucas for a long weekend of fun, sun, and alcohol. Yes, Lilly went along… but only to bellyache, be fabulous, and stir sh*t (not drinks). Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi was left behind. Because Reza and Asa said so. 
 
While Mike slept off a few bottles of vodka, his dream of a drama-free weekend went awry. First, MJ and Lilly got snippy with one another, and then MJ and Asa traded nasty words and insults. When Asa called MJ a pill popper, MJ left the attack scene. To the camera, MJ said, "Asa asking me if I popped a pill… worst thing anyone has accused me of. Ever." Asa is all like, what did I do? and why is this all about me? That act is getting stale.
 
One hour later, Reza, Lilly, and Asa are hot tubbing it and Sammy and MJ are Cabo clubbing it. Asa tells Reza and Lilly that she feels bad about what went down with MJ. Reza laughs. Asa goes on to say, "When she attacks me, I feel bad for because I know her mom is crazy." Reza laughs.   Reza thinks it's "his business" to make sure he "protects" MJ. Someone needs to look up "protect" in the dictionary. Lilly thinks the lines are blurred because the person who has the substance abuse problem is also the life of the party. Asa says, "We all think it's cute… and so MJ," to which Lilly adds, "That is not cute; that is a hot mess."
 
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I would like to personally thank whoever at TLC had the briliant idea to put June Shannon, Sugar Bear, and family into Pilgrim garb for the opening sequence of their Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Thanksgiving special.  It was amazing. 

We begin the special in the hospital, where Mama June and Sugar Bear are talking to a groggy Pumpkin.  Unfortunately, the key catching incident from Halloween was worse than they originally thought, and Pumpkin had to have emergency surgery for a detached retina.  Poor girl!  Sugar Bear plays the doting father figure (seriously, how sweet a guy is he?), while June plays with her daughter's belly fat.  A drugged up Pumpkin just slurs her disdain.  Back at home, Pumpkin is on strict bed rest, so June gives her a metal bowl and spoon to bang if she needs assistance.  They are like a family of fat McGyvers! 

TRAIN!  Alana is working on a project for school about the first Thanksgiving.  She knows there were turkeys and that the Indians Native Americans ended up getting screwed over with a crappy meal and some casinos.  She also knows that the Pilgrims came over on the Mayship the Flowership the Mayflower.  According to Chubbs, this happened in 1942 (near the time of Pearl Harbor) when Christopher Columbus discovered the new world.  Close, Chubbs.  Very close.  The first Thanksgiving meal was held at the Piedmont.  Wait, no.  Kribbet's Rot.  Make that Plymouth Rock.  I'm getting much dumber by watching these two minutes of television, but it is totally worth it.  And TRAIN…twice!

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rhoa-recap

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was brought to you by the Bravo Home Shopping Network. We also learned a very good lesson about donkeys – they are stubborn. Very stubborn. And the more expensive the shoe, the more said donkey digs her heels in! 

Things begin in normal land, or should I say New Normal land with NeNe Leakes and the family relocating to LA and their temporary home in the Hollywood Hills. Luckily Kenya Moore was on hand to loan NeNe some peeing cupid statues and other hideous faux Versailles pieces. What nothing reminiscent of Gone With The Wind? No massive draperies in velvet? No partially burned in the Civil War looking shabby chic dining room sets? No Rhett Butler portraits? #amateur. 

So yeah, NeNe has arrived and she is ready to thrive! 

Moving back to the land of ATL, Kandi Burruss is celebrating Todd's birthday by baking him a cake from scratch with her daughter Riley. Kandi was using cooking tools and clearly had a grasp of how they worked. I have to admit I swooned a little at the down-to-earth moment. Riley is talking about how she wants to move into the guest house when she gets older.

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I'm in shock and awe…in a good way.  Last night's Mob Wives was almost family oriented.  Weird, right?  Drita D'Avanzo shunned fights to hang with her girls.  Big Ang, as always, remained drama free.  Ramona Rizzo and Karen Gravano seem to be waiting in the wings this season thus far.  Love Majewski and Renee Graziano love to spark the crazy, but Carla Facciolo came out against her almost ex-husband with guns blazing. 

We began last night's episode as Karen and Ramona head to Renee's, and Karen has some major extensions.  It's the afternoon of that dreaded brunch, and Renee is filling in the ladies on Carla's behavior.  There is a lot of bleeping.  Renee thinks that Carla is addicted to sleeping with married men.  Renee reveals that neither Drita nor Big Ang came to her defense, and at one point, Carla threatened her life with a butter knife.  Ramona is curious as to whether Carla planned to Grey Poupon Renee to death.  The girl has jokes!  It's jokeable…if that's a word.  Karen shares that back in the day, they would have thrown Carla in the trunk of a car and threatened her family's life just to scare her a bit.  Glad to see they've grown and matured.

Carla and her kids are playing in their pool, and she is getting the skinny on Joe's new house from the twins.  She is shocked to learn that her husband and his girlfriend love to cook for the kids.  Her children love the new lady Raquel as she takes them to Coney Island and does nice stuff for them.  Carla is confused as to why a nice, young girl would want to get involved with an older, not yet divorced guy with kids who just got out of the slammer.  Her kids are adorable.

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top-chef-seattle-restaurant-wars-part-one-tom-colicchio-danny-meyer-padma-lakshmi-gail-simmons

Last week on Top Chef, Micah Fields won the sexy knife quickfire challenge and Kristen Kish won the memorable moments elimination challenge. In a cook-off with Lizzie BinderJohn Tesar (and his eye glasses) fell victim to the curse of the risotto and was eliminated. Ouch! Being eliminated over Lizzie, who knowingly cooked and served questionable scallops, had to be embarrassing. 

While Josh Valentine (and his twisty mustache) is glad John is gone, Stefan Richter (and his wrinkle-free face) misses his "morning friend." Josie Malave declares she didn't come back as a stupid chef. True. She came back as an annoying chef.

Padma Lakshmi and Wolfgang Puck introduce the quickfire challenge.
 
Quickfire Challenge
 
The challenge: create a dish highlighting ginger… sponsored by Canada Dry Ginger Ale… in only fifteen minutes. Ginger Ale. It's what pays the bills. 
 
15 minutes? Wolfgang Puck? The pressure is on! Lizzie makes a split-second decision and grabs watermelon. Brooke loves ginger and pairs it with squid. Stefan disses Sheldon's stir fry dish, calling it too pedestrian and Chinese restaurant, and Sheldon yells "mother f-ker" at his meat.
 
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