Day 13 on Celebrity Big Brother starts with Kim Woodburn “apologizing” to Chloe Ferry. This “apology” involves Kim implying Chloe’s a prostitute and telling her to go to a high class escort agency, rather than standing on a street corner asking for £20 for a bl*w job. I have heard better apologies. Somehow, Chloe takes it all within her stride and gives Kim a hug. I am not convinced she understood most of the words. Maybe someone will explain later.
Hell Housemates are back in purgatory for one final chance to win their place back in the house. It involves a quiz about non hell housemates. The person that gets the question right, gets to nominate another hell housemate to lose a life. If someone loses both lives, they will be banished back to hell and face an eviction later.
I regret to inform you that last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was, once again, all about Kim Richards‘ sobriety. At least we got to see some Erika Jayne side-boob this time though – to cover all the bases of Housewives anatomy. Honestly I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than pantygate.
The story of Kim is a sad one indeed. In fact, Kim and Kyle Richards‘ life reminds me of a book I read – a memoir written by Jack Kerouac’s daughter about her adolescence and early adulthood. I initially read it in high school and was jealous of her free-spirited life and her mother who let her do whatever she wanted; she could party, stay out all night, etc. I re-read the book in college and that time I was sad that she had zero guidance or stability.
On last night’s Ladies Of London, there were actually laughs to be had! Real belly laughs! So what if these laughs involved dry humping balloons in cocktail attire? It takes what it takes, people. And I, for one, am ready for my Ladies to return to the sillier, lighter tones of seasons past, where petty dramas just blew away like the wispy smoke of a contraband cig on the front lawn of Mapperton.
But first, in Edinburgh, we return to the breakfast at which Sophie Stanbury tells everyone she loves them – except Juliet Angus, who’s about to unleash the bad juju with statements like “You don’t know negativity! I’m going to SHOW you the NEGATIVITY!” After Sophie quickly attempts a wimpy backtrack, Juliet storms out of breakfast. Upstairs, Caroline Fleming is making her bed to within an inch of its castle-dwelling life. Sophie seems to effectively calm Juliet down in the car later with a kiss and an apology. So, all is not lost!
On last night’s Summer House, Fourth Of July fell on a Monday, which meant the party continued for one more lovely day!
Despite having to venture back to the city to begin a hellacious 3-day work week, the housemates threw a ‘casual’ BBQ brunch, where they frolicked in flag-adorned wardrobes, then strapped on their respectable fisherman’s sweaters and chinos to jettison back to reality later that evening, or in some cases, 4 am the following morning.
Yes, in Montauk every minute is a minute you could be consuming a cocktail, or dealing with a c–k! (or is it dick – I’m conflating the two with good reason here). The rules of Summer House are governed by Kyle Cooke and his roving eye.
We start the Celebrity Big Brother recap with half the housemates in hell with Jedward and the other half in hell with Chloe Ferry and Kim Woodburn. Not entirely sure there’s that much difference to be fair. Apart from the real hell, ironically looks colder. Chloe is making herself known – not a good thing. She gets a bit possessive over Calum Best and then asks to see Jamie O’Hara’s winkie. Classy.
Jasmine Waltz is in hell and struggling, mainly with Jedward, and hey, who wouldn’t? She is upset after going into the diary room. Stacy Francis goes to comfort her, but Jasmine really doesn’t want Stacy to see her upset and pushes her away. Stacy tries to break through but Jasmine gets even more upset that she has shown weakness. I think it’s one of the most honest moments we have seen of Jasmine, and a definite chink in her armour. I think she also feels a little guilty about things she said to Stacy, but feels she has a character to live up to. I’ve actually quite liked Jasmine this time round for the most part, so I think her objective of re-hashing her image has worked. To me, she actually seems quite vulnerable at that moment in time.
Despite the summer weather, an icy chill has fallen on this episode of Teen Mom 2. Well, for everyone but Chelsea Houska, who is excitedly expecting a baby with fiancé Cole DeBoer. All she needs is her social media announcement because as we all know, it’s not real until it’s Facebook official.
Chelsea is feeling all the first trimester fun: nausea and tired, which is preventing her from taking a shower today. She’s also feeling anxious because it’s so early in her pregnancy and she can’t feel kicks yet. Luckily, she finds a heartbeat while using her home Doppler, so that helps ease some of her fears. A few days later, everything is confirmed by the doctor as a healthy pregnancy after Chelsea gets her first ultrasound.
So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…
So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.
This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.
Kenya Moore returns home from Charlotte, to find her house vandalized. It seems MattJordan is made of magic carpets, because after driving ALL night to Charlotte where he harassed Kenya at Club One, he turned right around and drove all night back to ATL to smash in Kenya’s garage windows, sprinkle (was that juice? blood? droplets of rage?), break her car window and her back door, and spray paint over her security cameras. Dang – hell hath no fury like a man scorned.