Last night on Vanderpump Rules there was a wedding instead of cheating drama! Scheana Marie got married and it had all the tackery and whinery one would expect. What one could not expect is that she spent approximately $100,000 on disco glitter and tantrums.
Things begin with Scheana visiting Lisa Vanderpump‘s house for a pre-wedding check-in. Lisa wants to know if Scheana is really in love with Shay, the lurking hulk of gooey melted gummy bears that is about to become her permanent bedmate. Scheana is – why, she couldn’t tell you. What Scheana CAN tell you is that the heart wants what the bride wants no matter what it costs! It is HER. DAY to be pretty princess for a change, to usurp Stassi Schroeder as the unequivocal self-dubbed princess in the big pouffy dress and have all the attention ON. HER.
Lisa wonders how Scheana is paying such extravagances as 5 sets of mink eyelashes and 50,000 rhinestone-studded rose pedals… Well, since you asked, Scheana is using her lawsuit settlement! BRAKES SCREECH… what, you say? Remember when Scheana broke her teeth and had to have 6 hours of agonizing dental surgery and no one visited her in the hospital? Well Scheana sued whomever broke her teeth and got a settlement, which she is blowing on her very own Barbie dream wedding!
I’ve been waiting all weekend for more of Chrissy’s fabulous wigs. She’s pulling a fast one on us, right? Her hair–or the drama–on last night’s Love & Hip Hop didn’t disappoint. It was the same manufactured Mona mess as always!
After Mendeecees’s mother and his ex Samantha’s mother went haywire with drink throwing and death threats at a recent meeting to discuss Little Mendeecees, Yandy Smith is shopping with her fiance and getting the scoop on the evening’s antics. Yandy doesn’t know whether to laugh or, well, laugh at the idea of Mendeecees’ mom and Kim brawling over their grandson’s future. And here Yandy thought involving the grandmothers would create calmer negotiations. I guess if she wants something done right, she’ll have to do it herself!
Rich Dollaz has fun friends. He asked Cisco and Mendeecees to go shoot some hoops, but uh oh! The fellas take a wrong turn on the way to the basketball court and end up at a strip club. The three men share about the messy situations in which they have recently found themselves. Mendeecees is like a broken record with his mama drama, Rich was put on social media blast after messing with Jhonni, and Cisco can’t believe that the girl he cheated on and left has moved on with a new boyfriend. The nerve! Chink commiserates as well. He’s in love with Chrissy, but he’s not ready to divorce his wife yet. However, after hearing the craziness his friends are facing, he starts to think that perhaps his relationship with Chrissy is worth moving on from his ex.
And furthermore, if you are so upset that people are “unjustly” calling you a whore, and you don’t want women resorting to those insults, why is that the only insult you’re ever resorting to? These are real questions for Claudia, who calls herself a journalist. I’m investigating and I want answers.
It seems to me that it should be Porsha who is upset with Claudia, I mean I’d be pretty pissed if someone, for basically no reason, called me a prostitute on national television and then didn’t even have the proof to back it up. That’s some slanderous libelous hearsay and I am misusing legal jargon cause I got my law degree from the same $19.99 internet correspondence course that Phaedra Parks did. The one where long-term thinking and recidivism rates are like huuuuhhhh? The same legal school where they don’t teach you that marrying an ex-con exponentially increases the likelihood that you’ll be married to a prisoner at some point. What happens on air mattresses in the ghetto at 2 am renders one dumb and useless, I suppose!
Much like all of us have been doing for several seasons, anthropologist students have decided to research why four women have decided to spend their spare time braiding Kody Brown’s hair. On last night’s Sister Wives, social scientists moved into the cul-de-sac compound to study the true dynamic among Meri, Janelle, Christine, Robyn and their brood of children. I want to know the time line of when these episodes were filmed. Was it before or after the great wife swap of 2014? Perhaps that will be addressed in the SECOND HOUR…or not (really, TLC?) of last night’s Sister Wives, which is aptly titled “All About Robyn.”
Christine is thrilled to have her mom Annie moved into her home, although the kids are taking some time to adjust to another adult in the house. That evening, Kody makes the announcement that four anthropology graduate students will be coming to visit and study the family. Kody believes these grad students have hit the jackpot with his family. The students’ professor coaches the students on what to watch for…who is the sex wife? Who is the love wife? Will there be another wife? Potentially the young student who is now fearful she needs to fake a relationship to thwart Kody’s advances? The wives and Kody go to meet with the students to set some ground rules. The students don’t want to be treated like guests.
Last night Chris Manzo went for round two on the Millionaire Matchmaker. While some things have changed, like he’s no longer on Real Housewives Of New Jersey… OK, that’s the only thing that has changed (including that Patti Stanger still wears rompers and short-suits every freaking day!) because Chris is still a mama’s boy who needs mama’s approval before buying a pants that don’t belong on a 50-year-old.
True to form Caroline Manzo accompanies Chris to check in with Patti and go over what he’s looking for in a woman. He found her – her name is Caroline. Patti eventually sends Caroline out of the room because there is a difference between smothering and mothering, but the sad part is Chris is looking for someone, not only that his entire family also wants to date, but whom reminds him of Caroline, because he idolizes his parents’ marriage. Mmmmkay, moving on.
Patti describes Chris as desperately clinging onto the mama’s boyness and is afraid to move-on (or out!). She worries that he comes across as boring and needs to be micromanaged. Caroline worries that with Lauren getting married (and hating every girl Chris and Albie look at) and Albie finally in a relationship, Chris will end up living at home forever. Not that it’s a problem … I mean who makes better meatballs than mama?!
Hey, remember that time Natalie Guercio and Karen Gravano got into a knock-down-drag-out fight where both ladies ended up with scratched faces and handfuls of hair? Yeah, me too. Do you also remember that time that the always breezy and light-hearted Big Ang became a force to reckoned with among the Mob Wives? No? You must have missed last night’s episode then!
As Natalie and Karen are separated, Drita D’avanzo and Ang wonder why their friends are so insane. Renee Graziano is proud of Karen’s showing. Karen attempts to approach Natalie again, but she’s deterred. Natalie casually puffs on her cigarette before being escorted away. Drita is livid. If there is another altercation, she plans on being in the thick of it. Ang knows that once you talk about family–and draw blood–there is no return. At their New York apartment, London comes home from the gym and questions what happened to Natalie’s face. She rehashes the argument, promising she tried to watch her mouth. However, when Karen lashed out at her, Natalie won. London is fine with his girlfriend fighting as long as she’s defending herself. Natalie believes that she may still have a bond with her once biffle Renee who didn’t assist Karen in the beat down. Natalie, like Karen, can’t wait for round two. There are some things worth going to jail for, as Karen so eloquently puts it.
Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:
1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter…
2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!
Hollywood, baby! Last night on Dance Moms, the ALDC finally arrived in Los Angeles so that Abby Lee Miller can start on the next chapter in her star-making career. Of course, things rarely go as planned in reality television, and Abby is livid to get to her new rented dance studio to find another class rehearsing in her space. Jill and Holly find it funny that Abby is so intimidated to learn that other dancers are also present in the city where everyone comes to be entertainers. Abby is quickly on the phone with her attorney speaking about privileged information. Jessalyn and JoJo are also present, feeling that they were kind of invited. As Abby fumes in the parking lot, the mothers enter and introduce themselves to the interlopers. Even Melissa finds her behavior odd. Jill doesn’t get the temper tantrum…why can’t the girls just dance?
We’re treated to some of the other competitive west coast teams, including one led by a choreographer once hired by the dreaded Candy Apples’ Cathy. As the girls warm up, Abby calls the mothers to say she feels uncomfortable practicing in the studio with the other teams. Melissa is beside herself. Abby tries to temper her news that she won’t be attending rehearsals by sharing that she’s scored all of the girls an audition the following day. While that’s all well and good, the moms want to know who is going to prepare their girls for the competition!