Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay.
Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.
My eyes! Last night’s Love & Hip Hop started off with a bang, and I’m almost blinded by booty. Thanks a heap, Mona!
Rich Dollaz is attending a photo shoot to check out up and coming artist Jhonni. What in the world is she wearing? Is Miley Cyrus her stylist? Rich reveals that he has history with Jhonni, and when he stopped hooking up with her, she tweeted out his phone number. He likes ’em crazy, doesn’t he? Understandably, Rich is weary to work with her, but it’s a favor for a friend. Jhonni apologizes for her little indiscretion, and Rich warns her that he’s gone at the first hint of shenanigans.
On last night’s Little Women LA, Briana Mason struggles to gain her family’s approval of her new relationship, Terra Jole finally lets her family in on the pregnancy news, Elena Gant comes up with a new career move, and Briana and Terra go to war over some sketchy singing.
We pick up on the beach where Todd is getting in the middle of a girl fight between Christy McGinty and Terra. Christy finally pulls Todd out of the situation and they both leave the party (which they are hosting). Christy maintains that she did nothing wrong in telling Traci Harrison that Elena knew about Terra’s pregnancy news first, but the rest of the group – and the world – thinks her motives were more sinister. Terra feels Christy and Todd are jealous about her pregnancy. She wishes everyone would just back off and be happy for her. Yeah, well…wishful thinking with this crew.
So last week’s boat ride on Mob Wives was a success, wasn’t it? Last night’s episode began right where the last one ended…with Karen Gravano wanting Natalie Guercio served up on a platter for her to demolish. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Regardless, Big Ang keeps smoking her (is that a clove?) cigarette while trying to figure out where her loyalties should lie. It’s got to be exhausting!
At Drita D’vanzo’s Lady Boss store, she is working on promoting her store with a calendar that she hopes can showcase her make-up, skincare, and jewelry. Karen arrives to help Drita put together her “old Hollywoody meets mobster” vibe. Drita plans to put the proceeds from calendar sales back into the community. Speaking of, Karen wants to host a poker night, and she wants to invite the new Natalie. Drita thinks is a good idea so they can all see how Natalie 2.0 interacts with the crew.
So here we are at Eileen Davidson‘s house where Kyle and Brandi are sobbing, shrieking, and shoving each other in the driveway. I’m pretty sure we learned in kindergarten to use conversation to solve problems, not name-calling, cuss words, gift bags, hands, side-boobs, bracelets, wine, or pizza?! Or Eileen’s driveway!
And while Kyle and Brandi are arguing over who gets custody of Kim Richards, Kim is standing their like “Duuuuuuude… I’m high. Where’s my pizza?” Literally she asked Brandi what happened to the pizza slice – well Brandi threw at your sister, Kim. I would say go grab another one but you’re probably banned from Eileen’s home!
I’m just going to say it…JoJo needs to go-go. Her mother is grating on my last Dance Moms nerves, and that’s saying a lot. You know it’s bad if Abby Lee Miller thinks you’re kind of a crappy person! The episode begins with Nia and Holly arriving to the studio. Nia timidly tells Abby that her grandfather is in failing health. She tells Abby that she is looking forward to going to Los Angeles, but she may have to travel back home to visit him if he gets worse. Nia bursts into tears, and it’s nice to see Abby comforting her student. That’s a glimpse of the Abby I hope exists off camera.
In the pyramid, Abby chastises the second place group number and welcomes back JoJo for a second week. Geez. Holly speaks up, asking if sending the girls on auditions and opening a new studio may be too much on her plate when it comes to choreographing the competitions. Nia is on the bottom of the pyramid for being the leader of the second place group dance, followed by Kendall for sloppy foot placement. Kalani rounds out the bottom for failing to bring the girls up to her level of dance. Instead she’s gotten quite comfortable on their level. Maddie is the bottom of the second tier for not participating in last week’s competition. She tells her teammates what she got to do in her absence…which is basically hang out with a bunch of celebrities. JoJo is in the second spot, but Abby chastises her for being to sassy. Kira pipes up with an impression of JoJo, speech impediment and all. Yikes! Jessalyn doesn’t think that her daughter needs to tone down in the least. MacKenzie is deserving of the top spot after her victory.
If ever there was a reason for Sig Hansen to finally speak on Celebrity Apprentice, it was while captaining a booze cruise around New York City. Unfortunately someone had to walk the plank! I say I’m fabulous, but The Donald says you’re fired! Now Twirl. Twirl. Twirl. Twirl. Dizzy yet?
CA is moving full-speed ahead through a series of rapid eliminations as they prepare for their LIVE two-hour finale (when editing and producers cannot control the full-scale unleashed crazy of Kenya “Krayonce” Moore and Brandi “Boozdi” Glanville!).
So let’s talk Krayonce, shall we. Oooooh boy! Everybody knows I do not particularly care for the wheels off the underground railroad train that is Kenya’s runaway antics. As someone said on twitter (bless you) “TooFar” is Kenya’s middle name. While I have to appreciate her, shall we say, passionate nature, Kenya always goes OVERBOARD. Last night was the ultimate converging of “Real Housewives Of Atlanta Kenya” and “attempting to revamp my image sophisticated CA Kenya.” Somewhere, Donald Trump and Andy Cohen are in a PTSD clinic, known as WWHL, guzzling a much-needed drink. We’ll cover all the Kenyanigans later.
Tom was loitering, casually constructed behind the bar at SUR, when a trainwreck of botched lip implants and an immobile face appeared before him! He jumped; he recoiled in horror. No, not because he saw who it was – Annemarie from Miami – but because she ordered a Cosmo (is this Sex And the City circa 2002?!) – then he bolted. From her vantage point across the restaurant, perfectly positioned so she could witness the showdown while guzzling wine, Kristen leapt from her seat and went running after him. This wasn’t supposed to happen – Tom was supposed to run TOWARDS Kristen, not away from SUR.
So now that we’ve set the scene, let’s rewind – Lord knows I did a lot of that last night to catch every wimple of drama.