Things begin with Heather Dubrow and Tamra Barney meeting Lydia for lunch. Heather and Tamra are just… I dunno… their dynamic is forced to me. Maybe it's because Heather exists with this perma-bemused expression on her face and Tamra is always working too hard to seem acerbic and unaffected. In short – stop putting on airs.
They quiz Lydia on her relationship with Alexis Bellino. Which was the whole purpose of this awkward lunch; to size up Lydia and see if she was worthy of attending to. Lydia was wearing a Pretty, Pretty Princess tiara and giggling about fairy dust and oh yeah like Alexis is like so like super weird and she like changes her story like so much cause like one minute she's crying her fake eyelashes off and leaking tears of silicone over bullying and the next minute she's like a smoking rage-filled plasticine bitch ranting about how she needs to forgive cause like Jesus exists, but we're totally friends! I was confused.
Money. Communication. Sex. The first year of marriage faces multiple difficulties…and I'm guessing that having your life filmed during those initial 365 days isn't going to make things easier. Bravo is now banking on the fact that half of all marriages end in divorce, and the network is following four couples as they face the ups and downs of the first year of marriage. I think I'm going to really like watching Newlyweds: The First Year!
Tina Sugandh and Tarz Ludwigsen are preparing for their wedding. She's an Indian pop star, and he's a dude named David who is always covered in glitter thanks to Tina's obsession with all things shiny. Tarz is an unfortunate nickname. The pair has been together for four years, and Tina never expected to marry a man who wasn't Indian. Early in their relationship, the couple had intense sexual chemistry, but now it's just eh. Tina's willing to power through on the wedding night so they can start a family right away, although Tarz would like to wait a while.
Kathryn Bougadis suffered lots of heartbreak before meeting John Lagoudes. She's giving up her career and home in Manhattan to move in with John in Long Island. The couple met when John spilled a drink on Kathryn at a restaurant, and they were engaged six months later. Many of their friends think that they are moving too quickly, and John has a hard time giving up space in his closet for Kathryn. Before John met Kathryn, he was engaged to a woman he'd been with for seven years. He broke off the engagement four times before it finally stuck.
OhLove & Hip Hop Atlanta, you know how to make even a family meal a drama fueled brawl! Last night was an endless hour of craziness and candle tossing. Let's get to it, shall we?
Karlie Redd makes her first appearance of the season, and Rasheeda Frost and Tracey Steel come join her in the studio. The three women are anti-K. Michelle for talking smack about them in songs and on social media. Karlie hopes to enlist her friend to join her in a diss song, but Rasheeda doesn't to waste her voice on the rivalry. She'll definitely think consider it though.
Erica Dixon is getting dinner ready for Lil' Scrappy, and he's telling her about Momma Dee's ambush with Shay. Erica is not happy with this turn of events. She thinks it's incredibly disrespectful for Shay to keep sharing her feelings for Scrappy knowing full well he's engaged. Scrappy and Erica think that Momma Dee needs a sit down. He seems to be a much more devoted partner to Erica this season, although VH1 really needs to consider bringing back his subtitles.
Needless to say, the Lemon Squeeze ends on a sour note, with Jackie leaving the restaurant in tears, and I find it sad that these women cannot act like adults for one evening. Ugh. Let's start from the beginning.
The episode beings with Simone and Cecil, who discuss their new home bar and their alma maters' homecoming festivities. First, the bar, which is Cecil's baby. Simone did not want the bar, originally, but she has since decided that it's cool as long as it remains stocked with vodka. Second, Simone and Cecil plan a Friday Night Mixer, to kick off homecoming weekend. Simone plans to invite Jackie, because they're friends, and Toya, because she needs to get her drink on after the drama with Mariah.
NeNe Leakes sat down withAndy Cohen for an epic one-on-one interview on Watch What Happens Live. I have to say, NeNe was really candid, blunt, and endearing. And she's a wealth of information! I wish I could do a one-on-one and ply her for secrets.
First up, in case you weren't aware: NeNe definitely considers Real Housewives of Atlanta "her" show. And she's very protective of original Housewives in general. "I'm the star, I'm the boss. When people think of Atlanta Housewives, they think NeNe Leakes," she informed Andy.
Shockingly, NeNe says that Sheree used to be a really low-maintenance, and didn't wear extensions or makeup. "She was just this plain girl and had this really great life with this really great athlete." They were friends since Sheree's newlywed days and hung out all the time. NeNe was her sidekick at many a Falcons' games when Bob was still playing.
Oh, it's on! Last night's two hour Dance Moms finale pitted Apples against Abby Lee Miller in an epic battle of boys versus girls. There was drama, there were tears, and, of course, there was awesome dancing!
The ALDC is still in New York City for the competition. Maddie, Asia, Kendall, and Chloe all have solos, and Abby is focusing on those girls as opposed to the group number. Kelly wants to take Brooke to meet with a music producer while her daughter has some down time. Abby dismisses Brooke although she thinks it's quite a joke. Chloe is working on her number "My Obsession." Is she obsessed with winning? Dancing? What? Poor Chloe. The original Christi chastises Kristie 2.0 for not being more fired up about Asia being pulled from The View performance. Kristie claims that she and her daughter looked at The View number as any other audition. No big deal. That irks the other mothers to no end.
Kelly and Brooke are meeting with a music producer who is excited about the fact that Brooke's last single garnered 25,000+ downloads on iTunes. He decides to introduce her to a former Pussycat Doll. Emphasis on "former" or else she wouldn't be hanging out on the finale of Dance Moms. She gives Brooke some guidance on breathing as if you really have to pee. Is this how voice lessons work?
On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy something I've long believed was confirmed. Kroy Biermann, like children of Victorian England, should be seen and not heard. The more he speaks, the more… just no.
In other occurrences Kim Zolciak demonstrated more awesome parenting and then got in a big fight with her husband over mirrors. She needs MORE MIRRORS everywhere so she can look at herself MORE TIMES. The naked photos dominating every wall aren't enough?
Things begin with Kim and KJ being cute. Ok, let me rephrase: KJ was being cute and Kim was rocking an In Living Color bandana. That was not cute. Kim tells us she knows nothing about football and since Kroy is going to the Super Bowl (in theory), she better learn the ins and outs of the game.
I'm pretty sure Kim already has the ins and outs covered which is how she ended up married, prenup-less, with two kids in less than three years. Girl knows the game very, very well! She by SheBroke better recognize!
Immediately we are transported to a deep underground tunnel of despair where Tamra is sitting at the head of the table deliberating over can stay and who can go. Lucky Alexis was plucked from group and exiled. Her angel wings spread and her golden halo glowed as she floated above the riff-raff into the parking lot. Gretchen Rossi clapped with glee as if the heathens were being eaten by lions in the Colosseum.
Lydia scampered after her; jumping on Starlite and flying towards the Tunnel of Light. Don't let them rob you of a colorful world! I would have taken off my shoes, hitched up my maxi dress, and ran screaming from that den of horrors up the delivery van loading dock and right into the limo to start guzzling champagne from the bottle.