Last time on Teen Mom 2, Leah Messer and Jeremy Calvert made their relationship official. Kailyn Lowry dumped Jordan in favor of getting back togeher with Jo Rivera, while Chelsea Houska agreed to give therapy a try in order to (finally!) get over Adam Lind. Finally, Jenelle Evans managed to avoid jail time after failing a drug test and met a new guy, Josh.
For reasons unknown, MTV decided to air Teen Mom 2 on Christmas Eve and began with Chelsea. Said in my best whiny Chelsea voice… uh-ugh…. Chelsea brings her orange skin, raccoon eyes, bleached-to-death hair, and frosty lips to the nail salon. Luckily, Chelsea and mom Mary have both removed their hair feathers, so there's room in the car for Aubree. Thank goodness for small favors. For a while there, I expected to see the hair feathers listed in the opening credits.
I'm elated Aubree comes to the nail salon. She is adorable and makes Chelsea's scenes bearable. I digress. While Chelsea, Mary, and Aubree get manicures, Chelsea announces that she's dropping out of therapy. She doesn't think she needs to go because the therapist didn't tell her anything she doesn't already know. Chelsea is all like, Everything she told me about boundaries and healthy and unhealthy relationships, I've already heard from every other person in my life. Basically, Chelsea doesn't want one more person – a person with a "dishing out advice" degree to boot – telling her that Ad-dumm is no good for her.
Last night on the Real Housewives of Miami reunion some serious grievances were aired. I mean grievances I didn't even know existed! Somewhere like a shot in the dark Ana Quincoces developed a case of the haters for Lea Black. Did I miss something here? Supposedly the tift originated from a blog Lea did snarking on Ana's kids. Whatever spurned this, it got nasty – not nasty nice – just straight up nasty. To me it reeked of eau de desperate to salvage a S3 contract!
Something about Ana speaking over people, speaking constantly forMarysol Patton, and suddenly developing a sneering distaste for everyone last night just didn't resonate well with me. I mean who died and made her Andy Cohen moderator of this reunion? Not Andy! I mean maybe she was over the BS all these women spout, but listen lady YOU signed up for reality TV and this is what RH of anywhere is. If you can't take the heat, maybe stop quooking.
There's telling the truth and then there's being an ass. And what was that folder Ana was waving around that was swiftly snatched away in the editing portion of the show? Rumors speculate it was "proof" that Lea was up to some salacious behaviors prior to becoming the illustrious Mrs. Black. Other rumors speculate it exposed details of the Black's financials, including those pertaining to the The Black Gala that could discredit the event.
This week, instead of personally introducing the quickfire challenge, Padma Lakshmi and Emeril Lagasse leave a note. The note directs the chefs to take three Toyotas (ohh! ahh!) to Taylor Shellfish Farm.
When Josie Malave gets stuck in quicksand, Micah Fields and Stefan Richter come to her rescue. I don't know why. She's super annoying, nobody can stand her, and proving to be impossible to eliminate. Overall, the chefs are excited to harvest fresh oysters. They take their time, enjoying every second of the experience and slurping up fresh oysters as they go.
The challenge: the chefs must prepare an oyster dish for Emeril. In the kitchen, there are five red aprons and five blue aprons. Red aprons will prepare hot dishes and the blue aprons will prepare cold dishes. The winner gets $5000.
Well it's the day before Christmas, commonly known as Christmas Eve, and all anyone on the island of Anguilla wants is for Kenya Moore to get some help – and go home! Going on vacation with crazy people is one of those unfortunate drawbacks of being on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I s'pose.
Things begin with Kenya storming away after her massive argument with Porsha Stewart. Alas, no one could agree on who is the real tramp so they both stood up and started bickering about who is more fabulous. Answer: None of the above.
NeNe Leakes is cackling so loud that her evil plan to expose the real Kenya worked that I thought lightening would descend from the sky. Far more generously, Cynthia Bailey admits that a lot of the stuff Porsha said about Kenya's age would have made her flip out too.
NeNe is pleased as punch that there goes Kenya letting her crazy sprinkle out and finally explode all over the place. But Kenya has another surprising ally in Phaedra Parks. Phaedra admits that Kenya's ghetto behavior was out of line, but she likes Kenya and thinks she just lacks appropriate communication skills. Poor Kandi Burruss was in the hot tub and missed the whole thing. #priorities #kandikoatednights
Fast forward to Mike and Reza's business lattes, Reza self-righteously says, "That's crazy. Who does that in an office atmosphere?" Reza, honey… you do. Reza says he's done with MJ because she called him fat and sided with GG. He sounds like a child.
Lilly introduces us to her sister Yassamin. I have to say, Yassamin is smoking hot. And she's naturally gorgeous. I imagine Lilly is too… but it's hard to tell under 100 pounds of makeup, hair, and boobs. Lilly could benefit from a serious make-under. Lilly repeatedly mentions that she's the younger sister because most people incorrectly guess her to be the older sister.
Lilly, Coconut, and Yassamin go for a walk. While Coconut spins, Lilly asks her sister to join her at the group's next party. Yassamin doesn't understand why Lilly would want to hang out with these people…specifically with MJ and Omid, who have offended Lilly in the past. Clearly, Yassamin doesn't know how reality TV works. To us, Lilly voices her concern about seeing Omid since he threatened to back hand her the last time she saw him. She says, "I'm a little worried that he may throw another line like that at me, and my sister, being my older sister is going to get defensive. My sister is a f-ing tiger."
Last night was a Sister Wives' road trip from hell. I got totally stressed out just watching it. Kody Brown's behavior rivaled that of his youngest children, and we learned that Meri Brown and Robyn Sullivan-Brown's great-great-(and great) grandfathers were both hanging out in Nauvoo, Illinois at the same time. Perhaps that's why they have such a connection? Christine Brown fancied herself a Chris Brown with her impromptu stand-up routines during the sofa interviews, and I think that Janelle Brown said maybe three words. She was probably still traumatized from the road trip.
The episode begins as the family is celebrating Logan's birthday. Kody announces that everyone is going to file into two RVs for a road trip to Nauvoo, Illinois which is where the Church of Latter Day Saints gained popularity. While the Browns aren't a part of that denomination, they are looking forward to learning more about their Mormon forefathers. Needless to say, the teenagers aren't super thrilled at the idea of driving three days to Illinois to learn their church history, while the younger kids just hear "RVs."
Hunter and Logan manage to get out of the pilgrimage thanks to prior plans and football camp. The teen girls are beyond jealous of their brothers' good fortune. Logan and Hunter aren't even pretending they're upset to missing this debacle. Christine and Robyn will be staying in hotels while the other ladies will be bunking in the RVs.
On last night's finale of Real Housewives of Miami things were peaceable, nice, and sweet. I kinda expected the reunion to be filmed sans moderator in Vicki Gunvalson's backyard circa S1 of RHOC, aka before these shows descended into non-stop fighting, backstabbing, and made-for-TV personal problems.
Nope, last night's episode featured real, honest-to-goodness drama, and sweetness. I guess after a season of crazy why not end on a high note?
Things begin with the girls still in Bimini. Apparently the bad weather has stranded them and trying to turn lemons into lemonade an energetic Marysol Patton suggests a "Healing Water" ceremony involving flowers and Pucci worn with aquashoes. Marysol explains that her mother believes making a wish and throwing flowers over your head into water can cleanse negative energy and help us find closure and peace.
Lea Black had been passing the time talking to all her friends in jail and so she's game. I mean who wants to hear some wealthy con complain about the frozen peas and lukewarm gravy in the minimum security prison when you could be on vacation right? Adriana de Moura laughs that while alone in their cells at night they're all fantasizing about Lea and Lea didn't seem to find that image appetizing.
So, earlier last night we watched the end of an overly tanned, liquor-infused, fist-pumping era. I'll admit, while Paula's cake to Mike was ridiculously disgusting and disturbing, I giggled a bit…and for that, I'm ashamed. Even if the house thought it was funny, it wasn't okay. At all. Now, it's time for the Jersey Shore reunion.
We revisit seasons past: t-shirt time, Snooki's initial entrance into the house, and Vinny's faux hawk. The gang jokes about how their random sayings work their way into the conversations of us regular folks before showing a highlight reel of many roommate fights. While they are all about throwing punches and pulling hair, they can laugh it off knowing they were quick to forgive once everyone got sober. For once, Snooki's hair is more orange than her skin. Cue a duck phone montage. Everyone jokes about Mike's final beat down of the poor mallard.