Apparently Jon Gosselin & Liz Janetta join the fun later. He probably has to wait for the lunch rush to pass and get his balls from Kate's hilltop mansion before he can fly to L.A. Jon's new simpler life is so hard, you guys. So so hard.
Taylor and John arrive first. The former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star recaps her past – she had the "perfect house" and the "perfect husband" in Beverly Hills. Taylor says, in reality, she endured six years of emotional and physical abuse from her late husband, Russell Armstrong.
I hate to be a pill because I love reality television, but last night I had to watch the Sugar Bowl during the Mob Wives' commercials. What a game (and I wasn't even invested in the outcome!)! Well, the craziness I was watching on the field paled in comparison to what was going on in Vegas with Renee Graziano's hard fall off the wagon!
After the insanity of the night before, Big Ang has ordered a big breakfast in hopes of resolving their issues and curing their hangovers. Alicia DiMichele Garofalo is worried about Renee. She is tired of drama, and she wants to enjoy her last trip before potential incarceration. Renee and Drita D'avanzo arrive at breakfast, and Renee is looking just as rough as she was the night before. Drita admits that she lost over two grand gambling, and she takes suggestions as to how to lie to Lee about her loss. Drita knows that Renee is going to be a ticking time bomb over her animosity towards Natalie Guercio. She starts swearing and chain smoking at the mention of her name.
Drita decides that everyone needs to be present for the airing of the grievances (Happy Festivus!), so she goes to get Natalie. Showing her new found maturity, Drita warns Natalie about the confrontation that awaits her. While Drita isn't a Natalie fan, she remembers what it's like to be ganged up on by the ladies. Drita takes a few seconds to tell Natalie all of the shiz she's said about her behind her back, and Natalie apologizes with a hug. Natalie promises to explain herself to Big Ang as well. When Natalie joins the table, Renee begins to point out all of the delicious things on the table. Grapes are delicious, as are pastries. Her man (one date makes a man?)? NOT DELICIOUS! Natalie assures Renee that she wasn't intending to be disrespectful, but she doesn't think her word choice was inappropriate. Renee does a reenactment calling Alicia's husband delicious to make her point. Natalie then quips that Renee should know Alicia's husband smells delicious since they went to dinner together a few times.
Abby Lee Miller was back with a vengeance on last night's premiere of Dance Moms. At least they revamped the opener though, right? At the studio, Abby corrals the girls and their mothers for an announcement. Abby congratulates her Nationals winners while taking passive aggressive digs at everyone. She reveals that she will be holding open auditions in Atlanta, Orlando, and New York. Everyone is replaceable, y'all!
Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid since Christi made such a scene with Leslie on Bourbon Street during Nationals and Abby gave them the boot. Christi hopes to focus more on her daughter's dancing and less on the mama drama this year. We'll see how long that lasts! Chloe apologizes to her team and promises to work her hardest. Peyton follows Chloe on the bottom for the same reason. Nia is the first actual Nationals participant to be on the bottom, followed by Brooke. Nia looks totally crestfallen, and Holly is upset. Nia is at every class and every extra practice. She is working her little bum off! Brooke is chastised for missing one class while attending New York Fasion Week (really?), and sister Paige is last on the middle tier since things just aren't clicking. Is it just me, or are these new head shots just too much? Mackenzie is next for being second in division at Nationals. Kendall is one spot away from the top of the pyramid when Abby announces that there's been a mistake. She switches out Nia's headshot for Kendall's. Jill is livid. Kendall tries not to cry as Abby complains about Kendall missing a week of booty camp to go on vacation. Maddie is on the top. Surprise, surprise!
Two weeks off is a long time to be away from the crazy, delusional, bed-hopping cast of Love & Hip Hop, so I won't waste any time with an introduction. I know you've missed them as much as I have!
Tajiry Jose is so, so busy with her acting and modeling that's it's so nice to get a night off to enjoy New York Fashion Week. As she walks the red carpet, she's photo bombed by ex Joe Budden. At first she pretends to be disgusted, but she's happy to play up to the cameras. Joe tries to apologize for letting another woman lay in their bed. As she attempts to watch the show, Joe keeps trying to cop a feel. They leave in the rain, and Tajiry steals his sweater to shield her hair leaving a wet Professor standing on the sidewalk.
Amina Buddafly is catching up with sister Sophie who is visiting from Germany. She shares her marital woes, and Sophie recommends letting things remain status quo with Peter Gunz and Tara Wallace if she loves him so much. She certainly shouldn't patiently wait around for him to grow up because that is never going to happen!
I have to say Jax Taylor was on fire last night with his one-liners. Is the dumb male model thing an act? Nah… I think Lisa Vanderpump was feeding him lines.
Lisa tasks a select bunch of SURvians with hosting a very special elite dinner party filled with important guests. I don't know why she was acting like the over-botoxed trashboxes of RHOBH are anyone special, but I guess she gets paid to act accordingly.
Working with your friends is fun – except when your friends don't act like friends! Tom is all pissy-panties that Jax has been spreading rumors that he hooked up with Ariana in Vegas three years ago. Tom complains that Jax gossips and lies about his friends but then apologies. Basically Jax is male version of Stassi then?
Aaaahhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There comes a time in every recappers tenure when she is just beyond blown away by what appeared before them on the screen. And taking one's mother-in-law to Hustler and grinding on them has knocked me over.
Carlton Gebbia takes her hubby David along with her mother-in-law to Hustler to choose lingerie for her "playroom". Listen – I mean the storyline is gross as is, but you couldn't pick a classier place than Hustler?
Carlton is like thongs – no big – my mum-in-law has pulled babies out my vagina. Then she proceeds to educate MIL on what "DTF" means and huffs the F— word in the ladies face like she's going to vampire her. This is a preclude to the main event where Carlton puts on a teeny-tiny bikini and drops it like it's hot on her MIL's lap. Apparently her MIL accepts Carlton because David loves her. David needs inpatient therapy.
Last night was thriving on the cul-de-sac with the return of Sister Wives and, more importantly, Kody Brown's hair. Everyone is thrilled to be in their homes, and everything is as it should be. Kody can run from house to house–it's the best exercise routine ever! The wives are glad that the kids are in such close proximity, but the ladies are still as independent as ever…in other words, they still despise one another. Even with a commitment ceremony looming, the women's interactions are incredibly awkward.
Now that some of the older kids are preparing for college, the family believes that a discussion about a tuition budget should be at the forefront. Kody is anti-student loans. He doesn't want his kids to have any college debt, as if that's entirely feasible. Thanks for reminding me of my debilitating law school debt, Kodster! With Meri about to be an empty nester and Mariah wanting to go to a much pricier school, Kody thinks Meri should shoulder more of the financial obligation.
Robyn has Meri's back, but Kody isn't budging. They call in Mariah to share "their reality," and Christine informs the high school senior that her full time job should be trying to find scholarships. With seventeen kids, no one should get a full ride. A tearful Mariah (when is she not tearful?) explains that she wants to reconnect with her Mormon faith. Janelle wants Mariah to be able to go to the school of her choice. Kody doesn't seem to be onboard with this wife mutiny, and he reminds everyone that he's the common denominator with the children. He's such a prize.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta continued their girls trip to Savannah where some unlikely bonding occurred – it only took a cockroach and some southern comfort food to bring them all together! Collective "awwwwwww".
Despite a fight about Chuck's very Housewives past, things are all fine the next morning as the women come together to make breakfast and gossip. Kandi Burruss shares that she and Todd "skypesex" and she shows him her vag. I hope she doesn't end with an accidental sex tape when Krayonce hacks her phone or something out of revenge! Apparently Porsha Stewart had something pierced down there: TMI.
Doing a 180, Cynthia Bailey says that Noelle has a boyfriend but there is no unsupervised time as the parents are very involved. She thinks it's better to be supportive than put her foot down and have Noelle rebel. "I'd rather be picking up Arthur than picking up a grandbaby," Cynthia explains. #cosign!
Kandi and Cynthia relate about parenting girls vs. parenting boys – as Phaedra Parks puts it, with boys you only have to worry about one "dingaling" but with girls you have to worry about everybody else's dingaling. NeNe Leakes doesn't care: she thinks Noelle is too young to date and Cynthia is making a mistake supporting it.