If you think we are done discussing the asinine bowling alley fight from last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, we aren’t. And if you think that Heather Dubrowis ever going to live down her comments that the Orange County dining scene is not to her liking (too many carbs, maybe?), you’re wrong about that, too.
Heather has dared the viewers to give her better suggestions, and then she’ll eat anything you ask: “With YOUR help, I intend to seek out and review local restaurants in an attempt to find the little gems that we have here that I have not been introduced to. SHOW ME. Then, I will eat CROW… or pig’s feet, tripe, sweetbreads or whatever it is the restaurant specializes in.”
Heather insists Sarah Winchester wasn’t even supposed to be there. In her blog, she writes, “First of all: for the record I did not invite Sarah to the party.”
That’s probably true. The producers invited Sarah, who probably thought she would bring more to the table. I get the impression the producers are trying to make this show younger since the whole “cougar” trend is kinda done. Anyway, Sarah did go, got totally trashed and followed Vicki Gunvalson around. Vicki needs to take a lesson from Camille Grammar and go hide in the bathroom in these moments.
In Heather’s words:
Sarah puts a nuclear hit on the evening! She is yelling at Vicki for NO reason and then is hugely delusional about how she approached her. I tried to diffuse the situation . She wouldn’t listen to me or her boyfriend or Gretchen. This girl is nuts. I may need to screen Gretchen’s friends for her! She is too nice to be friends with such a “wackadoodle” as G would say!
I thought Vicki handled it very well. Sarah couldn’t let it go. She was on a hamster wheel going round and round and round.
Heather thinks Sarah has issues, ending her discussion about her with this: “I hope this opens Sarah’s eyes to the fact that she obviously has a problem. She needs to seek professional help.” Embarrassing yourself on television isn’t yet recognized by the DSM, but maybe Sarah can start.
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The Real Housewives of Orange Countywere on Dr. Oz recently, to talk about the one topic they are definitely experts on: plastic surgery! On last week’s episode, Tamra Barney removed her implants once and for all, and as we all know, Alexis Bellino is the first woman in the world to ever get a nose job. She must be commended for bravery!
Vicki Gunvalson, who just had a ton of work done in between the past two seasons, admitted to having “…a myriad of fillers, Botox, liposuction, and laser treatments” to In Touch Magazine. And that’s just what she’s fessing up to! On Dr. Oz, Tamra said “I’m sure we’re not owning everything we’ve had.” Along with 98% of women in Orange County, she had a nose job in her early twenties. Of her implant removal, she said, “I wanted the foreign object out of my body.” Funny, she said the same thing at her divorce proceedings from Simon!
Tamra also revealed that she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer, and that was a huge factor in her decision to get rid of the implants. Good for you, Tammy Sue! Tamra’s story arc has been so great: ridding herself of Simon, and then getting rid of the implants the men in her life love so much; standing up for herself and putting her own needs before men.
Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.
Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.
Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).
Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?
One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.
Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.
Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.
Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.
Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!
Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?
Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.
Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.
And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.
At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.
Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.
Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.
He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.
Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.
Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!
Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.
And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.
On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies got to mudslinging, only this time it involved actual mud for a change! In other news, Tamra Barney is officially divorced and Vicki Gunvalson is officially the most insecure fifty-year-old I’ve ever encountered. Oh, and Alexis Bellino revealed her new nose, which we’ve already seen 10,000 times before, so that was no big whoo-hoo.
Things start out with the Queen of the OC and resident class act, Heather Dubrow taking her husband shopping. Apparently, this is What Not To Wear, the Dr. Dubrow edition. Sadly, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly did not appear with a bevy of secret footage and a red trash can. Hopefully they’re saving that for Vicki, but I digress.
Terry does need a make-over and hopefully David Austin, world’s greatest clothier in all the world will help him – for a cool $50k. “You’re gonna look mmmaaaavalous!;” Heather purs; prying Terry’s wallet from his shaking hands with a malicious glint in her eye. Terry will no longer embarrass his perfect wife at cocktail parties with his outmoded and pedestrian appearance. Oh no – there is a new Terry in town and this one has both black and white tie attire!
I must admit – it’s nice to see some old-school traditional HW action of spending ostentatious amounts of money and actually being able afford it. We hope… . If they declare bankruptcy next year, we’ll know they’ve been struck by the Teresa Giudice curse!
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Just in case you thought Slade Smiley couldn’t get any worse than being a hundred thousand dollars remiss on child support owed to his extremely ill son, Slade is now accusing his ex-girlfriend Michelle Arroyo of hiring the bill collector that attacked him on the red carpet last week. Just typing this sentence makes my blood boil!
Speaking to TMZ, Slade’s attorney directly accuses Michelle of being behind the incident! “It appears this whole thing was staged and created by Miss Arroyo who is obviously looking for attention.” That’s a bit rich coming from Slade, Mr. Reality Whore, himself!
“Slade is not a deadbeat dad and is making timely payments,” his attorney adds. “We will be looking into this further and if Miss Arroyo did hire these clowns to harass Slade we will exercise all our rights including a restraining order if necessary.” Oh, please!
Michelle has very seldom spoken out against Slade and has very rarely made any negative comments about his invisible style of parenting. Michelle even went to bat for Slade after said incident, confirming that the back support amount Slade owes for their son Grayson had been reduced to $95,000 and that Slade has been keeping up with the current payments of $775.00 per month.
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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was kinda boring, no? Alexis and Briana got surgery. Tamra discovered Simon is finally ready to let her be the free bitch she was meant to be – but she’s not sure she’s ready to live a life unfettered. Tamra and Vicki join Heather in LA where she is embarking upon a restaurant venture.
Things started out with Tamra paying a visit to her plastic surgeon, Dr. Ambae. Has anyone else noticed the Housewives always hug their doctors – who hugs their doctors? I’ve never hugged any of mine, but I guess if I were as reliant on my plastic surgeons as they are, it may be a different story. OR if my doctor was Paul, because I love him.
Anyway, Tamra wants to get her breasts reduced. Now that she is no longer beholden to Simon and his ideals about her body, she wants a smaller, less cumbersome rack. We get a close-up montage of Tamra’s old DDs and frankly, who wants to see a close up of wrinkled, spray-tanned cleavage? Dr. Ambae examines Tamra’s boobs and determines she has a lot of natural breast tissue so she can likely get the reduction done without adding smaller implants to fill things out. Tamra explains that those babies never stop growing! Third boobs, third marriage!
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The Tamra Barney / Gretchen Rossi fauxlationship was ever so brief. The two, who were professing their love for each other mere weeks ago, are now, well – kaput! Dang, I only got to use Tamretchen for, like, five minutes.
Yesterday it emerged that Gretchen likely pedaled a story to TMZ accusing Tamra of planning her engagement to Eddie Judge, because Bravo shelled out for a ring and a romantic vacay to capture the proposal as an addition to this season’s storyline. Tamra apparently believed Gretchen was the culprit of the leak as she as spent the last twenty-four hours blowing up Twitter saying as much.
In response to all the drama, Tamra took to Facebook to thank her fans for support during these accusations. “Thanks for all my fans that posted positive comments. After a day of negative energy its time to turn it around. So I am drinking a Corona Light and cooking tacos with my kids waiting for my Hot Latin fiance to get home.”
Tamra also thanked Bravo for denying the story alleging that they bribed Eddie to pop the question! “Again Thank you Bravo for your support! To have people that want to tear you down when you are so happy is hurtful,” she added.
On Twitter, Tamra has done nothing short of accusing Gretchen of being responsible. In one of her cryptic tweets, Tamra revealed that she knew who was responsible but wasn’t ready to reveal. “it is very hurtful and I know who did it,” she wrote “Trust me it will come out..time.” Here’s betting the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion will be giving this matter a lot of attention!
And, for those of you speculating Vicki Gunvalsonhad anything to do with the story, Tamra flat-out denied it. Personally, I definitely do not see Vicki doing something like that – particularly since she and Tamra are now business partners in their new venture, Wines by Wives. We all know work and money are Vicki’s life and she wouldn’t jeopardize that opportunity!
In response to the insinuations, Gretchen has spent a lot of time defending herself. Gretchen adamantly denies she had anything to do with the story about Tamra and maintains that the two are in a good place. “Today was a tough day, can’t say thank you enough for always showing such support and love towards me. Love u all so much! Xoxo,” she tweeted.
Gretchen will be appearing on CNN this evening where she promises to set the record straight about her relationship with Tamra and the TMZ story. What on earth CNN is doing interviewing Gretchen is a mystery to me – must be a really, realllllllly slow news day. Like, did news completely stop happening?
Tamra was due to appear with Gretchen, but in light of the situation canceled! “we were both to be on CNN today together about something else. I am way to upset to go! lets see if she does the right thing?,” Tamra commented. Wowzers!
Moving on, Heather Dubrow is speaking out about last week’s Bunko meltdown with Alexis Bellino. “It seemed like Alexis was itching for a fight the whole night. . . I feel like I have been attacked by Alexis since we met, and I’m not sure why,” Heather shares in her Bravo blog.
“But when she got Terry [Dubrow] involved, I couldn’t stand by and watch. He had no idea who was being discussed (how would he know that Gretchen calls her “Lex”). Pick on me all you want, but you DON’T mess with my man!”
And despite getting off on the wrong Louboutin clad foot, Heather says Alexis has apologized and things are good between them. “I would like to say that Alexis sent me a very sweet text message the next day. She said she overreacted and felt bad about what happened. I thought that was great, I appreciated it.”
Finally, tonight marks an all-new episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. And everyone is in surgery! Alexis recovers from her nose job, Briana gets the results of her biopsy, and Tamra consults her doctor about a breast reduction! See a preview for the new episode below!
Real Housewives of Orange County airs on Bravo tonight at 9/10c
WILL GRETCHEN AND TAMRA’S FRIENDSHIP RECOVER? DO YOU BELIEVE GRETCHEN HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE SLANDEROUS STORY ABOUT TAMRA’S ENGAGEMENT? CAN HEATHER AND ALEXIS MAKE AMENDS?
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