Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused.
Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!
Stassi needs a job – because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachersAriana’s bar).
Oh my… Brandi Glanville UNFILTERED anyone? In a recent podcast Brandi Glanville ripped Kyle Richards calling her out on being a shallow, selfish, two-faced, money and fame obsessed, bitch.
Brandi and Kyle were briefly – briefly – friends but all that changed while filming for Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Neither lady will reveal what exactly the unforgivable offense was, but they both swear to never be friends again! First Brandi slammed Kyle on the WWHL Aftershow.
“Kyle can f–king suck it! I’m going to tell you why: she’s stabbed everyone in the back,” Brandi told Andy Cohen. “For her to say she can’t forgive me, everyone else has forgiven her – she needs to check herself!”
The cast of Vanderpump Rules causes major drama and brings big ratings for Bravo, but they are apparently NOT paid accordingly!
According to insiders the cast made a measly $5,000 for the entire first season, but when it turned out to be an unexpected ratings hit for the network, Bravo upped their salaries – but not nearly on a level with say, Real Housewives.
Kyle Richards is preparing for another family vacation – this time on a 100-foot yacht in Mallorca, Spain. One of Kyle’s daughters is already in the South of France for a week with a friend and will be meeting the family in Spain. “Such is the life!” trills Kyle with faux humility. Kyle’s storyline this season seems to be an inferiority complex about proving she’s rich. Every episode is her pretending to be humble, while covertly bragging about flying private and living luxe but she’s actually squee-ing inside that finally she’s arrived. I’m just waiting to see her in a “Very Rich Bitch” t-shirt ala NeNe Leakes.
Before Kyle gets packing she visits to Kim Richards, who is preparing for her daughter Brooke’s wedding and wants to preview her Mother Of The Bride dresses. Everything at Kim’s house is scattered, decorated with rejects from early 90’s TV sets, and filled with deathly ill children – it’s all an evil ploy to make Kyle too sick for Mallorca so Kim can go instead, bond with Yolanda Foster, and cosy up to a wealthy Spanish gentleman! “Lysol – take me away!” Kyle puts her hair around her face like a mask to protect her from the germs. Kim’s dress is lovely – good for her.
As for her much speculated about friendship with Brandi,she admits it’s more of an on-camera thing than off. You mean, like Hollywood friends? “We’re friends. We don’t see each other when we aren’t filming as much because we’re all busy,” Yolanda says. “It’s funny because the months that we are filming we see each other every day and then we kind of go on a hiatus. [laughs] Hiatus from our friendships, our relationships and you kind of go back to your own life.”
Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.
Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!
In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!
Brandi says it was Lisa who made the decision not to continue their friendship. “I thought there was a chance but I guess not… You’ll see it all unfold,” Brandi says blaming Lisa for ending the friendship. “She’s now saying there’s no chance we can be friends.”
Not only did Lisa put Andy in the hot seat, she even got him to apologize to her for she considered harsh treatment on the most recent RHOBH reunion. Of course, not wanting to endure the wrath of Queen Lisa, Andy happily obliged. Lisa chastised, “I didn’t feel you gave me a break. I don’t think you made everybody else answer to some of the things that had gone down on my behalf.”