Mike Shay

Tom and Katie wedding

Last night on the season finale of Vanderpuimp Rules two people were joined in partnership for an LA eternity. Tom 1 and Tom 2, you have now become: TOM-TOM. Long live our officiant Lisa Vanderpump!

It was a big night of commitment for our Schwartzy, the little commitment-phobe that couldn’t. In front of some of his family, and all of his friends, he said “I Do” to Katie Maloney, thus establishing himself Mr. Three-Headed-She Beast. Stassi Schroeder cried tears of pure vodka-poisoned joy that her two best friends were officially, legally soulmates, and then she made Katie swear on her eyeshadow collection that Stassi would always be a part of them. Like a stye?

It was actually a sweet ceremony. Courtesy of Tom, who drank the tequila-aid and suddenly found himself overjoyed to be standing at an altar next to Katie’s drapes of a wedding gown. Oof – that dress: a pair of nude pantyhose someone bedazzled; full body spanks that got Pinterested and sold on Etsy. It isn’t easy being country-cutsey-woodsy-glammy-chic on a budget!

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Vanderpump Rules reunion

Our first look at the Vanderpump Rules reunion is here. Bravo promises that everything from “scandalous hookups” and “cheating accusations” to “wild wedding festivities” will be argued about ad nauseam covered at the Season 5 reunion, which Andy Cohen said was “intense.”

Look below for pictures and a breakdown of the three-part reunion. Yes, three parts, because apparently season five was a hit with viewers. <blank stare> I personally thought that this was the worst season yet, but Bravo claims that this season of Vanderpump Rules is “on track to deliver its highest rated season ever” with a reported average of 2.4 million viewers.

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katie-tom

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I was actually pretty moved by Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz wedding. I know we didn’t even get to the actual vows part yet, but it was so sweet when Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval surprised Schwartz by flying out his triplet brothers to attend the wedding.

It was really nice, but a lot of the viewers were so confused by the couple spending so much money on towel invitations and flower arrangements instead of paying for his family to attend the event. Still, this is a way nicer criticism than the hate the couple has faced all season in response to their drunken arguments.

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Katie wedding gown
The countdown is finally over! We Vanderpump Rules watchers have finally arrived at the inevitable nuptials of two people so solely unhappy together it’s almost not funny. So, yes, last night was the debut of Katie Maloney‘s wedding gown and it was even worse than Scheana Marie‘s. But the biggest shock was that Tom 2 actually seemed happy to be getting married. That’s a change!

Tom and Katie spent $51,000 on a wedding in someone’s backyard next to the train tracks, yet Tom couldn’t afford to fly his family out to attend. Only his mom, Kim, the object of Jax Taylor‘s wanton obsession, has made it. Thus far anyway. I guess Jax imagines that Kim is a woman who knows how to make a turkey sandwich?

Anyway, call me confused but wouldn’t you factor ‘flying family to wedding’ into your budget above $10,000 worth of flowers, or a $4,000 Tacky Tuesday rehearsal dinner? Was Tom 2 too afraid of Katie’s wrath or something… Likely he actually fears Katie’s combined forces with Stassi Schroeder, the official plus one of his wedding and entire life. Yes, after all her maneuvering Stassi has finally secured the spot of Maid Of Honor. Unofficially so as not to hurt Kristen Doute‘s feelings, but honestly where else would one place their Celestial Wife in the order of things?

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Tom and Katie - final days

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules traveled through the few remaining days before Tom Schwartz legally yoked himself to Tequila Katie. Actually, Tom has optimistically decided to eulogize Tequila Katie – maybe that explains why they spent $10,000 on flowers! Double-duty for a funeral?

Before everyone converges in the middle of nowhere “where no one can hear you squeal, boy,” (name that movie!) Tom 1 and Jax Taylor must take care of some risky business in the big city. They must summon their courage with a tiny trumpet and drink raw eggs for manliness. They’re doing this for Tom 2. As he relinquishes his bank account, his soul, and what’s left of the d–k he can only partially find, that only partially works, Tom 1 and Jax will be his everlasting strength.

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tom-schwartz-jax-taylor-wwhl

The New Orleans trip resurrected this season of Vanderpump Rules. The whole thing was such a hot mess that I don’t even know where to begin. Luckily for me, I don’t have to since Jax Taylor and Tom Schwartz just opened up about the latest antics that went down this season. Plus, these two really have a way with words.

Jax and Tom recapped (what little they remember about) the bachelor party in New Orleans; they shared their opinions on James Kennedy’s girlfriend; they reflected on Scheana Marie’s divorce (spoiler alert: they both saw it coming); and of course they both addressed the criticisms about their own relationships.

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Tom 2

Well the wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney is going along full-force like the tornado in the Wizard Of Oz. Except instead of being transported to the land of yellow brick roads and ruby slippers, Tom 2 is being chased by the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. Oh love in the wilds of Vanderpump Rules.

Am I the only person LOVING Tequila Tom?! For all my hatred of Tequila Katie, Tequila Tom needs to stick around a little more! He has bottled the worms of his rage up for too long. Let those suckers crawl OUT.

Peter Madrigal said it when he compared his failed relationship to Stassi Schroeder as like oil and water. “It may look OK when you shake it up…” but in reality it is two disparate things that simply do not stay together in the long term. And that is Tom and Katie. They are the fling that never ends – although it should’ve 200 drunken fights ago. And at this point it doesn’t even look good together anymore. No, anymore it looks like a torn, shredded dress and a slept-in smokey eye.

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Scheana Marie Shay and Robert Valletta

As a person who’s way too into Vanderpump Rules, I wish the episodes would speed up and be more in line with what the cast is up to in real time. Last week, we saw Scheana Marie and Mike Shay celebrate their two year wedding anniversary and it felt strange to watch since they are not together anymore. There’s still no sign of a breakup this season, so it feels like we are really behind. Especially since Scheana has been talking about her secret boyfriend in interviews and on social media.

If you follow her on Snap you have probably seen a male limb in the corner of her stories and wondered who she was dating. If you watch Scheana’s recent appearance on Watch What Happens Live, you might even remember that Andy Cohen remarked that he met Scheana’s man before the show and that he was tall. Well now, the mystery is solved. Scheana’s mystery man has been revealed.

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