Mike Shay

Vanderpump Rules stars Kristen and Katie

Vanderpump Rules stars Kristen Doute and Katie Maloney and Saturday Night Live star (and Vanderpump Rules super fan) Bobby Moynihan were Andy Cohen‘s guests on Watch What Happens Live last night.

We learn that Bobby is a huge Lala Kent fan.

About the purple, all-lace dress Lala wears in her talking heads, Bobby says, “Dress is crazy. I just can’t understand how a human being can be so confident to just wear an outfit that’s just like, ‘Here’s what I got!’ I am a big Lala fan. I can’t find anything that Lala’s done wrong yet.” In response to a dirty look from Katie, he concedes, “I get it. I do not work with her; it is just a TV show to me.”

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Katie Maloney launches Pucker & Pout

Last night on Vanderpump Rules Katie Maloney launched her beauty blog Pucker & Pout. I’ll let “Katie Maloney + makeup and fashion tips” sink in a bit before moving on… But anyways, congratulations! 

Katie has been working hard to build her blog and decides to throw an industry launch party to debut it to the world, so she can begin making money. What Katie really wants, however, is an exclusive party with a tightly-controlled guest list, so she can wander around SUR pointing at people with her new Scheana Marie witch’s talon nails snapping, “Invited!” “Not Invited!” as she plucks the leaves, one by one, off Lisa Vanderpump‘s 100 year-old custom-cultivated tulips originally cuttings from Josephine Bonaparte’s garden, once watered with the blood of Napoleon (can you tell I’ve been watching War & Peace? It’s like Vanderpump Rules with more complicated names, more conniving, decent fitting clothing, more lying, and swords instead of cocktail stirrers). 

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Stassi is sad

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules confirmed what I have been saying for years (seasons in Reality TV time): Kristen Doute and Jax Taylor are soulmates. I fully anticipate that in a few years time they’ll drunkenly run off to Vegas for a midnight elopement, then have a combative, insane, marriage befitting of a Hunter S. Thompson tale. All’s Fair In Love And Liquor: A True Tale Of Krax. So thank you, Tom 2, for validating that. 

But no thank you, Tom 2, for the reference to your flaccid penis. Katie Maloney, please get off Scheana Marie‘s drama train and onto your man. If the way Tom 2 was making out with that Hooters chicken wing is any indication, that was a man deprived and we know how Katie feels about make-out cheating! 

The Kristen Doute Apology Tour continues on, gathering steam by adding Stassi Schroeder, and growing into a cloud of vicissitude by adding Jax

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Jax Taylor is arrested in Hawaii

Stassi Schroeder has returned and Jax Taylor got arrested. All in a days work for Vanderpump Rules, right? 

In Hawaii the group continues having a conniption fit over Lala Kent‘s existence. After Lala confronted Brittany Cartwright about Jax’s lying, and then confronted Jax about his lying, to which Jax lied about lying, Lala retreated to her hotel to cry into the complimentary towels. Reality TV is so hard! She just needs her mommy! But, as Lala pointed out, Faith also took off her top, but no one was yelling at her! Katie Maloney, a hypocrite? Nooooooo… 

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Lala and Jax feud in Hawaii

Last night Vanderpump Rules went to Hawaii, except for Kristen Doute and She Who Shall Not Be Named for fear of her Birthday Witch wrath. And what did these charming and classy people do in Hawaii? Argued. Nonstop.

The drama begins on the airplane where James Kennedy tried to get Lala Kent to join the Mile High Club. It only gets marginally better from here but we should get the worst thing out of the way first. Lala did not join the Mile High Club. At least not with James on that airplane. 

The group is all couples now, proof to Scheana Marie that they’re growing up. Something Scheana seems sad about as Shay lumbers around, perpetually in the shadow of her massive, fluttering ego. Not the pretty picture to adorn her Hoarders for Narcissists hovel!

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Vanderpump Rules stars Kristen Doute and Scheana Marie

Kristen Doute and Scheana Marie were Andy Cohen‘s guests on Watch What Happens Live following tonight’s rather gross episode of Vanderpump Rules. Seriously, if this show gets any raunchier, it is going to have to move to Cinemax After Dark with Scheana’s Femme Fatales. 

Andy asks Kristen if she wants to say anything about Lala Kent‘s “less than” comments about James Kennedy‘s penis. “I think Lala would go for anything with a man situation, regardless of shape, size, or color.”

Next topic, Jax Taylor, who poops (this week) and lies (every week) on camera. Andy wonders if he’s passive aggressively trying to get Brittany Cartwright to regret moving in with him. “I know a couple of the episodes have bothered her,” says  Scheana. “I do not keep my mouth shut <understatement of the century> so I give her a head’s up on everything.”

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Katie Maloney and Tom 2 get engaged

Last night on Vanderpump Rules, Tom Schwartz finally took the ring OFF the string and placed it on Katie Maloney‘s finger. Don’t worry – he’ll still be forever tied down to Tom 1

In cold hard realities, the “A” Tom 1 drunkenly tattooed on his ass stands for Adulting. Tom 1 spent 15 drunken minutes getting inked, but now wants his 15 minutes back. Ariana Madix escorts him to Dat Tat Off, the world’s most professional tattoo removal parlor, which is coincidentally managed by Kristen Doute‘s Machiavellian friend, who happens to be wearing black and white stripes. Tom 1 – forever imprisoned by Kristen somehow! Tom went there in the hopes of getting a ‘friend-ish’ discount. 

If they were a movie, it would be called, She’s [He’s] Just Not That Over You (The Tom and Kristen forever dysfunction story). True to form, Kristen’s friend is eager to view the self-inflicted damage Ariana caused Tom to enact. 

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Tom 1 freaks out, Tom 2 eats Pad Thai

On Vanderpump Rules there was bacon, and asses, and giant shrieky man-tantrums. Also Kristen Doute tried to pretend she had matured. 

I have a major bone to pick with this show. Let’s call it a reality check shall we, since this is supposed to be a reality show and all. Why are they still trying to make Kristen happen? Honestly – would any ‘real’ friend expect you to go on a birthday vacation with your crazy ex-girlfriend? NO!

Once Kristen and James Kennedy split, Kristen lost her place on this show – we’re now just seeing a regurgitated storyline of everyone fake-forgiving Kristen and unconvincingly acting as if they want to be her friend so Bravo can justify the antics she may cause. It’s super-phony. James is the new crazy-ass – let’s embrace that and hook Stassi Schroeder and Kristen up with a little Pump Rules Scorned Spinoff instead. Because Kristen pretending she wants forgiveness and has really changed; she’s too bad an actress to convince anyone of that. And furthermore her hitting the club for Jax Taylor to teach her how to avoid players while she makes creepy-Hunchback of Notre Dame faces was cringeworthy. Likewise I am tired of watching Tom 1 and Ariana Madix freakout, whine, and tantrum over Kristen. 

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