As always, I think the Secrets Revealed episodes are better than most of what we’ve seen throughout season. And Vanderpump Rules was no exception!
Jax Taylor is totally having a pre-midlife crisis. He’s too old for a quarter-life crisis (let’s be honest, no one expects him to live to be 120 years old) and technically he’s too young for a mid-life crisis, so he’s in a 2/3 life crisis, which means having 400 birthday parties dedicated to doing things kids should do. Like the trampoline park where Tom 1 suggests they play dodgeball on teams of Jax plus all the women he’s slept with, vs. Tom and all the people Jax hasn’t slept with! Bouncing boobs of many incarnations (Jax being the biggest boob of all).
Actually, it was the season of Jax, and, it was totally too much Jax (his shenanigans have overstayed their welcome), but here we go again! At least for the last time.
A lot of the conversation comes back to Rob since he was Scheana’s favorite thing to talk about all season long. Lala’s boyfriend has never even appeared on camera, yet he was a major part of Lala’s storylines for the past two seasons. Now the Vanderpump Rules cast members are sharing their opinions about their costars’ (current and former) significant others.
It seemed like Scheana finally found her own close friends in Ariana Madixand Lala Kent, but now that the two of them are on better terms with the Witches of WeHo- aka Stassi, Kristen, and Katie- how does Scheana feel about that? Scheana and Ariana are still cool, but that is not the case for Scheana and Lala. Not only that, but Scheana credits herself for getting Lala back on the show after she walked away from it during Season 5.
As cringe-worthy as it is watching Scheana Mariefawn all over Rob Valletta on Vanderpump Rulesknowing that they aren’t dating anymore, it really does make the show. Scheana’s constant bragging has blessed us all with some premium entertainment. I will never get over her revelation that she timed Rob hanging up a TV and that it only took him seven minutes. She even mentioned that their first daughter would be named Madison Marie Parks-Valletta.
For all I know, Scheana wasn’t actually talking about Rob 100% of the time and instead she was just bragging about him 95% of the time, or (hopefully) significantly less than that. With that said, I figured she would use post-filming interviews and social media to clarify her comments and try to seem less Rob-sessed, but that is not the case. Now Scheana admits that she had Rob on her mind on the same day that she married Mike Shay. Just twist that knife in further, Scheana.
I feel like everyone needs a friend like Tom Sandoval. He will give you makeover if you need one and cry tears of joy on your behalf and use a puppy as a handkerchief. Sure, he’s a little outrageous with the hair-braider and the costume guy on hand, but there’s nothing wrong with being extra. It’s better to be extra than not enough.
The tough thing about being on reality TV is that being open about your life often involves mentioning other people. So when Ariana Madix opened up about the lingering effects of a toxic relationship on Vanderpump Rules, she was trying to explain why she is the person she is today, but there’s no way to convey that without talking about her previous boyfriend.
Of course Ariana didn’t mention the man by name, but she is still nervous that the ex who referred to her vagina as “disgusting” is going to retaliate against her for being so open about her struggles and the impact of that relationship on her current one with live-in boyfriend Tom Sandoval.