Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

Sheree debuts Chateau Sheree

Last night was the season finale of a very, well, bizarre season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Thankfully we didn’t relive Lesbian-Gate – we’re saving that for the reunion – but we did witness the official end of Phaedra Parks and Kandi Burruss‘ friendship. Something else happened… Something big, I think… Oh what was it? Hmmmm… OH! Chateau Sheree. Yep, it’s up and running. Almost.

We barely saw Cynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams – they were mere extras to the drama. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, I guess! Speaking of cookies – you cannot bake them in Sheree Whitfield‘s kitchen.

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Phaedra

Let’s be honest – the only thing any of us remember from last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta is that Apollo Nida‘s prison fiancé Sherien Almufti appeared at the opening of the OLG Restaurant – and she’s everything a villainess side-chick should be. The worst (or maybe best) is that Phaedra Parks conveniently wasn’t even there to see her!

But first all the drama that came before. Kandi Burruss and Todd Tucker – two control-freaks don’t make a restaurant! The OLG Restaurant is weeks away from officially opening and $100,000 over-budget, but Todd will not accept any help. He is the little man that could … and with his big forehead he thinks he can sneak traffic cone orange chairs right under Kandi’s nose. She is not impressed by his Todd: Party Of One attitude.

Case in point, Todd refuses to allow Don Juan or Carmon to help make decisions, even though there are no uniforms and the logo hasn’t been finalized with less than 24 hours before their soft opening for friends, family and television cameras. And don’t even get Kandi started on how the floor is so dusty it looks like it belongs inside Chateau Sheree!

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Kenya & Matt

Well last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta certainly contained some baggage! And not all of it was Cargo By Cynthia Bailey. At least no one lost their bags in Maui (only their marbles).

After conquering LA with her Cargo collection, Cynthia is ready to take on Atlanta – America’s fashion mecca. Let’s be honest though, the real person Cynthia needs to impress is Sheree Whitfield. THE elegant and sophisticated fashion pioneer behind the infamous and influential She By Sheree. Big leagues!

Kairo has modeling dreams so as a favor to build his portfolio Cynthia asked him to walk in her show. Kairo dead-eye shuffles like he’s auditioning for The Walking Dead and is carrying his former human life in that mock-croc backpack. Sheree is the only one impressed, and she’s the only one unimpressed that Kairo’s only compensation is a measly bag. Even though most of the models aren’t even getting that.

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Kenya & Phaedra

Despite the failed Restoration on last week’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, I thought people were moving forward, but like Paula Abdul dancing with a cartoon cheetah it was two steps forward and two steps back … except Kenya Moore and Phaedra Parks do NOT go together because sometimes opposites attack!

I gotta say Phaedra really disappointed me. Usually I’d see Kenya as the cartoon cheetah in this scenario, but last night it was sooo Phaedra! One thing about this trip to Maui was that that the ladies really shed their facades and let their guards down for a change.

The episode opens with Kenya and Phaedra playing tennis, bantering as they batted balls – badly – back and forth. Kenya seems hopeful that she and Phaedra are on their way to a real friendship, but Phaedra is still content to keep things at a distance. Although she’s glad she and Kenya aren’t having drama like everyone else. DUH – DUH -DUH… that’s some horror movie foreshadowing right there! Especially when Phaedra mentions, again, that she doesn’t quite trust Kenya (or any of these girls) with the status of her divorce.

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Porsha - Restoration

After watching last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, I have decided two things. Firstly, Porsha Williams owes Kandi Burruss an apology. She admitted she made up the drug and rape rumors, and that was gross, so now she needs to pull her big girl panties out of her butt and say these two simple words, sincerely, “I’m sorry” and she should not expect Kandi to forgive her.

The problem is Porsha told a lie. She told a really damning and smearing lie. While lying is no new thing to this show (and it is amusing that Kenya Moore, who has told more falsehoods than Pinocchio, is the most enraged about Porsha’s lie), Porsha has told a lie that could potentially have legal ramifications or ruin Kandi’s reputation. The worst though is that Porsha doesn’t seem bothered by that, and doesn’t seem to get how bad this is. Nor does she seem bothered that Kandi is so upset. Which is especially disconcerting considering that Porsha and Kandi were once close friends.

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Kandi text messages

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta went left to The Matrix. I don’t even know what happened, but I feel like I entered an alternate universe? Of secret carpet muncher people? Even writing that feels wrong and homophobic. I want to go back home! I want to go click my Louboutins together and be transported to an RHOA of wig tugs, Bloops! and weird pickle photoshoots.

I had forgotten how debased Kandi Burruss and Porsha Williams argument was in the week-off where I watched gorgeous gowns float across the Oscars stage. You can catch up on that recap here.

It was a hard jolt back to reality (I ate the blue pill! On a Monday!) to have the episode open with Porsha accusing Kandi and Todd of possibly planning to drug her then drag her into their hidden sex dungeon. OK – WHAT?!

Porsha “heard this” lurid rumor from someone else. Apparently she believes it. We know how those words on the street work in Atlanta. Turn here for “Liable Suit Way”! Kandi rightfully wants Porsha to present receipts to back-up any of her claims.

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Kandi & Porsha argue

Well, um, who needs a hot shower after last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta?! The ladies were on pu$$y patrol, but there was also slow motion stiletto strolls, butterflies, and some serious Diana Ross, the Studio 54 years, hairstyles.

After a dramatic ‘lesbian’ laden dinner brought the glamping adventure to an end, Kandi Burruss is too upset by the accusations to ride home on the communal bus. Or maybe she was scared she have to confront further issues? One person, Cynthia Bailey, is relieved to be away from pu$$y-related problems, but alas that escape will be short-lived and come right back at Cynthia like getting struck by lightening.

While Marlo Hampton, stirrer of trouble and bubbles, busies herself with selfies, Sheree Whitfield plots and ponders. Specifically she wonders why Phaedra Parks, one of the originators of the ‘Kandi hooks up with girls’ rumors, never backed her bestie Porsha Williams. But for now Porsha is willing to sit in the hotseat alone, except for her girls ‘Coco and Chanel.’

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RHOA cast goes Glamping

Well the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta tried to tame the wild beast of Marlo Hampton‘s gossip-trapping, but instead Sheree Whitfield wound up carrying her bones while Marlo turned their weaves into a cape.

Last night we learned a few important lessons, mostly that we should never ever let the Real Housewives of any ilk attempt the outdoors. Like nice try Phaedra Parks, but just like your maxi dress, the Real Housewives aren’t a right fit for tents.

Getting out of Atlanta is itself a travail after Porsha Williams has surprise invited her sister Lauren to act as a human security blanket against Porsha’s highly tuned rage. While Porsha and Kenya Moore argue about the merits of their communication styles, Prophet Parks interjects commanding them to STOP and to remember they are all strong personalities who act out. Constantly.

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