NeNe doesn't know how things went so wrong. "This is about asking questions and answering them!” she seethes. Oh, see I thought it was about getting people drunk so they'd admit overly personal details about their marriages and sex lives. Silly me!
What in the hell did NeNe slip into those cocktails?! Everyone was acting head-spinning, drama-grabbing, full tilt crazy – and I'm not even talking about the outfits (I don't know what kind of party you're planning that involves Kenya Moore showing up in a thong covered up by a sheer "diaper" in front of everybody's man). So it all started off rough right there, but at least Kenya didn't have any 1985 Dynasty shoulder pads adhered to her butt cheeks this time.
Phaedra Parks and Dwight are hosting their annual 'What the hell is going on but Phaedra certainly never does anything half-assed' celebration. This year it's a naming ceremony for Mr. President.
Dwight really needs to update both his Benz and his facelift – and he also needs to return that blazer to Dorothy Zbornak. Phaedra envisions an "Inaugural Ball" theme for her future leader of the free world. Let's give it up for the first president whose dad is in the slammer. Too soon?
They prance through the grounds discussing their plans for secret service, swing dancers, and miniature tuxedos. And possibly a waterfall-side mother-of-the-president skinny dip twerk. Thankfully that was nixed. These two have such good ideas: are they going to plan a pre-prison inauguration for Apollo before he heads into the Big House?
The ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta did what they do best last night – put on some high, high heels and trash each other's relationships. Kenya Moore is slaying marriages left and right because her job is apparently The Divorce Whisperer. She needs to focus on her own fantasy man because the so-called oil tycoon, well I think he's pumping gas at the Sheetz after she paid his coming to America salary.
Things begin with Cynthia Bailey and Peter celebrating their three-year anniversary. Has it really been three years since Cynthia was nearly kidnapped to prevent her from walking down the aisle wearing a duct tape and hefty bag wedding gown? Time flies when you're being crazy!
Cynthia's friend Natalie and her husband Christopher show up to talk about how Cynthia and Peter are not having sex. Natalie reveals that she knows Kandi Burruss' fiance Todd. And apparently Todd is quite the hustler who was known for trying to date up – or put himself in positions to reap the benefits of his associations. "Basically Todd's an opportunist?" Cynthia asks. I wonder if Natalie has been talking to Mama Joyce?
Phaedra Parks is still reeling over Chuck-gate. Lest you forget he accused her of being a member of the Big Homie Team. As it turns out the only thing big about Chuck is his forehead and his ego. He's actually more like a little homie, or as Phaedra tells Kandi Burruss: "bitesized brownies and a cocktail sausage." Ouch.
Kandi is shocked that Chuck would classify their relationship so falsely, I'm shocked her chunky little dog is eating Pringles. Seriously – what adult purchases Pringles? Phaedra wonders if Kandi's dog needs a Colt 45 to go with his "ghetto" snack. She also calls Chuck a pig. Because he is one.
Kenya Moore and her desperate to get screentime frienemy Miss Lawrence meet for lunch to gossip about Sav-AWN-a, as pronounced wrong by Krayonce. Kenya reveals that apparently everyone in Atlanta, or at least everyone one in Atlanta that is also on RHOA, has slept with Chuck Smith.
Kenya giggles that Chuck didn't want to put a ring on "jumpoff" Phaedra Parks, because naturally the only reason a man wouldn't want to marry a woman is because she's a jumpoff. Not because people date but don't always fall in love and then they move on. Six proposals, one hired boyfriend, and a Nigerian prince she met on gmail later, Krayonce doesn't seem to understand the behaviors of a normal relationship.
Speaking of Chuck, he invited Phaedra and NeNe Leakes to Athens to propose that they all speak at the Boys & Girls Club there because Chuck is very involved. NeNe now knows Phaedra from growing up. Phaedra reminds us Athens is a one-horse, or one Dairy Queen town, with two high schools and everyone knows of everyone, just in case NeNe forgot.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta continued their girls trip to Savannah where some unlikely bonding occurred – it only took a cockroach and some southern comfort food to bring them all together! Collective "awwwwwww".
Despite a fight about Chuck's very Housewives past, things are all fine the next morning as the women come together to make breakfast and gossip. Kandi Burruss shares that she and Todd "skypesex" and she shows him her vag. I hope she doesn't end with an accidental sex tape when Krayonce hacks her phone or something out of revenge! Apparently Porsha Stewart had something pierced down there: TMI.
Doing a 180, Cynthia Bailey says that Noelle has a boyfriend but there is no unsupervised time as the parents are very involved. She thinks it's better to be supportive than put her foot down and have Noelle rebel. "I'd rather be picking up Arthur than picking up a grandbaby," Cynthia explains. #cosign!
Kandi and Cynthia relate about parenting girls vs. parenting boys - as Phaedra Parks puts it, with boys you only have to worry about one "dingaling" but with girls you have to worry about everybody else's dingaling. NeNe Leakes doesn't care: she thinks Noelle is too young to date and Cynthia is making a mistake supporting it.
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta paid a visit to beautiful Savannah where there were history lessons all around.
Things pick up where they left off on the bus ride that never ends. Kenya Moore is just sooooooo upset that people were late. Just sooooo disappointed. Just sooooo appalled. Needless to say she starts lecturing the group on not being tardy for any of NeNe Leakes' parties (Didn't we learn that last year?), whenKandi Burruss leaps up to shut Kenya down. Schooled By Bravo.
Phaedra Parks whips out the breast pump to produce some "organic, chocolate milk". New Housewife-in-Training Mynique Smith starts giving sex and marriage tips. She's another one who is subservient to her husband. Which means having a lot of sex. And listening to what he says. Many of the other ladies disagree – especially NeNe who believes the husband should be subservient to the working gal!
We had Krazy Kenya Moore and more crazy Mama Joyce and we had busloads of drama. I'm glad I was sitting down, sipping on some chilled wine because otherwise I would have needed my own dose of psych meds!
Let's rip this mess apart.
So NeNe Leakes is in her store-sized closet (she oughtta start letting 'bout to be broke Porsha Stewart shop in there. More on her later) packing for Savannah. She's excited to be planning a girls' bonding trip and Gregg is excited to be fitting into NeNe's shoes. They wear the same size. They should dress up as each other for Halloween.
On the other side of town Kandi Burruss pays a visit to Cynthia Bailey to bond over mamas who hate their man and wanting to cancel their weddings. Was that an episode of Jenny Jones ten years ago? Anyway, Kandi breaks down sobbing as she recounts for Cynthia the incidents at the bridal boutique the week before. Cynthia is shocked that Mama Joyce and the Aunts went all OLG: Old Lady Gang and got crunk amid some big ol' white ball gowns. Say Yes To SECURRRTY!