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Real Housewives of New York Recap


Dear Bravo, allow me to introduce myself. I watch virtually every reality show you have to offer, whether it’s Top Chef or Flipping Out. I don’t require much, but I would appreciate if you didn’t insult my intelligence. On last night’s “episode” of Real Housewives of New York, I saw Luann bond with Kelly and teach her daughter to drive. I witnessed Ramona compete with Avery over who was busier. Jill also got to visit her daughter in college (coincidence?). Sonja hosted another party she could attend scantily clad, and Cindy? Well, Cindy was present to make one gross comment. This was not an episode…this was a bunch of scenes from the cutting room floor mixed in with Sonja’s party. You normally have a name for this…it’s called Lost Footage, and I don’t like being falsely lured into an episode. Thank you and take care.

Sonja is hosting a burlesque party where she will also be performing. Ramona and Avery join her shopping, and poor Avery admits that she doesn’t want to attend a party where “adults are dressed like that.” She clearly wants to be invisible as her mother brings out a rhinestoned corset and dresses as an over-sexed pelican. The sixteen-year-old in me wants to disappear with her. There is a sales person, and I’m thrilled there is a unisex term for retailers. The sales person was either a man, a woman, or a woMan, but regardless, everyone is in agreement that said person is Sonja’s twin.

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It’s a non-stop party on Thursday’s Real Housewives of New York! Ramona Singer and Countess Luann gear up for their daughters’ sixteenth birthday parties, with Luann pulling double party planning duty to host a surprise party for Jill. After her bankruptcy announcement, Sonja flies under the radar while Kelly hangs with Victoria and Avery at their respective parties. Alex helps her husband kick his smoking habit by inviting a hypnotherapist into their home. Oh, and Simon at one point wears a dress.

This episode begins with a battle of the party planners, as both Ramona and Luann are planning their daughter’s sweet sixteen parties. Ramona and Avery are meeting with some planners, and as it’s her party (or so she thinks), Avery is giving her two cents about everything. She is totally her mother’s daughter. Meanwhile, elsewhere in Manhattan, Luann is telling her party planners that she doesn’t want “an over the top sweet sixteen” for her daughter Victoria. Yeah, after all the hype surrounding Victoria, I can understand the family wanting to lay low. Of course, Victoria and Luann differ about the number of guests to invite.

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It’s the last leg of the Morocco trip for the Real Housewives of New York, and Alex uses Jill and Ramona’s fight as a springboard to vent her feeling about Luann…to Luann. Kelly fancies herself a therapist/life coach/mean girl when dealing with Alex, with some Scary Island thrown in for good measure. Sonja tries to avoid drama and is reminiscent of the funny, carefree woman we met last season. And Cindy? Poor Cindy is just as confused as ever as to why she agreed to this gig.

Thursday’s episode, “Last Call Morocco,” opens with a shaking and crying Jill, fresh from her altercation with Ramona. The brunettes swoop in to build Jill back up while the blondes attempt to console Ramona across the riad. Being the hostess with the mostess (attitude, that is), Luann will not allow Ramona’s behavior to ruin the ladies’ trip. She quickly goes to reprimand her guest, but Sonja and Alex run interference by requesting (what else?) pinot grigio for a traumatized Ramona who is being coddled to Alex’s braless chest.

Knowing the cardinal rule of entertaining, Luann obliges and pours a glass of liquid gold for Ramona before ripping into her. I believe that was covered in Chapter Three of her etiquette book. Alex, having found her backbone this season, asks Luann to leave before she can begin scolding Ramona. Kelly comes in and tells the girls that she refuses to take sides, and Ramona admits that she should have kept her mouth shut to avoid her fight with Jill. I had to rewind that part four times to make sure I’d heard her correctly!

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It’s week two in Morocco for the ladies of the Real Housewives of New York, and these girls continue to bring the drama. “Riad Divided” begins with the last week’s fade to black moment regarding Ramona’s fortune. Luann tries to reign in Kelly’s translation of the psychic, Alex looks equal parts disturbed and model-esque, Sonja sobs for her friend’s prophecy and Jill longs for her snakes.

Ramona seems mostly unphased by the prediction, instead rationalizing the reading by the fact that she knows other women recognize how wonderful her Mario is. Sonja reveals that her tears are less about Ramona’s situation and more about the insecurities brought on by her last marriage. When Sonja tries to speak to Ramona about these feelings, Ramona, in all of her sensitivity, reminds Sonja that their situations are different since Ramona married an age-appropriate man for love, while Sonja clearly married an old bag for his cash.

Even with this awkward exchange, Ramona and Sonja are able to reflect on their friendship and realize that despite their different pasts, they can be supportive friends to one another. Okay. If I had been Ramona, I would have slapped Sonja, but on the flip-side, if I was Sonja and Ramona made the “he’d been married four times before you, what did you expect?” comments to me, Ramona would have been hanging out with the snake on Jill’s head from last week.

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On Thursday’s episode of the Real Housewives of New York, “Misfortune Teller,” the ladies invade begin their vacation in Morocco, with separate flights for the brunettes and blondes, of course. Hang on to your hangers magic carpets. Yeh bebe, it’s time for Morocco, Manhattan style!

So, yeh bebe dahlings, LuAnn, Jill, Kelly and Cindy arrive, and LuAnn has given up her Countess title for that of Moroccan Ambassador of Travel and Hospitality. I’ll give it to her though, the accommodations, excuse me, riad (man, my Arabic is on fire!), she has secured are beyond amazing. Flying in the following day are Alex, Ramona and Sonja, with Ramona repeatedly reminding anyone who will listen that she will require all of the comforts of home, a.k.a., “pinot grigio at all times.”

On their van ride to the ladies’ compound, Ramona and Sonja quickly become those Americans that give the rest of us a bad name. Between the talk of too much dust and too many goats, poor Alex nervously laughs and quietly cringes between the brash duo. When the ladies get to the riad, Sonja is concerned about her luggage being stolen, and–please correct me if I’m wrong–Ramona takes one look at LuAnn and Jill in their kaftans and calls them “wounded warriors.” And thus the train wreck that is Ramona begins in slow motion…

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City was all about vaginas, vacations, and Pinot… again. Jill Zarin is hosting an anti-bullying fundraiser, and while guests are paying $200 to attend, the irony of Jill championing this event is priceless. Kelly accidentally sees Sonja’s ladybits, Cindy takes her good friends on a “brunettes only” weekend, New Housewife Pinot Grigio high-jacks Jill’s charity event, and sweet LuAnn just wants everyone to get along, dammit!

The episode begins with LuAnn and Sun-yah meeting for lunch to discuss a girls trip. LuAnn is planning to “break the tension” between the ladies. Since this is a classy restaurant, Sonja, predictably arrives straight from the gym with a fur thrown over her sports bra. Sonja states she wants to go to Italy for Truffle Season (that’s a thing?) because “everyone will be there!” Everyone except the NY Housewives, that is, because LuAnn is just so over Italy and wants to vacation somewhere exotic. Somewhere like Morocco, which is the Paris of the Middle East, didn’t you know? Bravo, desperate to capitalize on a repeat of Scary Island, decides Luann must “invite” all the ladies, but LuAnn has some reservations about Kelly being included because no one wants “Scary Desert” on the horizon. Well, no one but Bravo, because ratings are everything dah-ling, so Kelly is IN!

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On this installment of the Real Housewives of New York, “The Mask has Two Faces,” Ramona and Jill butt heads, Sonja shows her butt, and Alex, LuAnn and Cindy are all but(t) forgettable.

This episode begins with a (yet another, yawn) photo shoot, this one to promote Ramona’s skin care line. Ramona admits that she’s often stiff in these situations, and her crazy eyes agree. This woman is hocking moisturizers and vino, but I think she should look into her own brand of shifty contact lenses. Her assistant Melissa tells Ramona she looks like a younger Pamela Anderson in the pictures. Huh? Of course, this comment comes on the heels of Ramona saying that she constantly goes through assistants. Ramona is pleased by the comparison, but this is the same woman who fancies herself an older Cameron Diaz, so clearly she has a skewed view of herself. Sonja arrives to help put Ramona at ease, but mainly she spends a ridiculous amount of time talking about how great her bum looks in her Ralph Lauren jeans.

Downtown, Jill stops by Cindy’s apartment, and I am amazed at how many people are on Ms. Barshop’s payroll. Assistants and nannies are coming out of rooms, closets, balconies, you name it—she has a full house. Cindy admits that she was up all night…hearing the kids crying with the nannies. My former “down to earth, relatively speaking” impression of Cindy no longer exists. The ladies dish about Ramona, and a much calmer than normal Jill is thrilled that Cindy seems willing to stand up to Ramona. Both Jill and Cindy acknowledge that most of Ramona’s friends are scared of her.

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On the latest episode of the Real Housewives of New York City, LuAnn has the one-liners, Kelly has the facial expressions, and Ramona has the bug-eyes. Sonja and Alex have a pretty hairy luncheon to resolve their issues, and Cindy helps the ladies go from hairy to hairless during a private spa day. And G’day, Jill…she is absent this episode while traveling Down Under.

We start with Kelly Killoren Bensimon running late for a pedicure with LuAnn de Lesseps, and in typical Countess fashion, LuAnn has to let her friend know that tardiness is not okay. “I didn’t know where to wait for you…should I wait on the corner like a hooker?” Oh LuAnn. You and your one-liners. While the ladies’ feet are pampered, they discuss LuAnn’s new boyfriend, Ross Gellar, um, Jacques and how Kelly is ready to find love, but trust issues make it harder for her. I would think her facial expressions would take a backseat to trust issues when interfering with finding Mr. Right, but what do I know. LuAnn invites Kelly to a wine-filled speed dating event hosted by Jacques, who is “in the wine distribution business”–aka what commoners consider “sales.”

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