Last night was our first introduction to the season that Bravo hopes will redeem Real Housewives of New Jersey's viewership. After season 5 suffered from sinking ratings because of stale drama and regurgitated storylines the network has infused new and recycled blood into the franchise and given us orange-er skin, more be-sprayed hair, and a let's be happier facade!
Everyone is treating Teresa Giudice with the nice-ies – maybe it's because they recognize that this may be her last season due to jail time and the throne will be open for a new RHONJ queen! Dina Manzo is back to be Teresa's lady in waiting, but she also has a whole new lease on life because she's single and ready-ish to mingle. Mingle with species other than cats – of both the hairless and ferocious Jersey tigers out for her blood varieties! I missed Dina – I like her dry candor. And her cats.
So let's talk about what happened. Andy Cohen has obviously been watching a lot of old episodes of 20/20 and he put on his hard-hitting interviewer costume to ask all the really deep questions we've been obsessively tweeting him for seasons. A sign of end times? Also everyone behaved like an adult for the most part. Probably because three-fourths of the people on that stage aren't coming back next season and had nothing to lose or gain. I personally enjoy Jacqueline Laurita much better when her sequins are flying out of her seat and shimmering with rage.
Was Kathy Wakile even there? I wouldn't have even noticed her except she was rocking a low-rent version of Melissa Gorga's blackout eyes that she was sporting all season. It was so much black she looked like a panda bear. Speaking of pandas, since the government shutdown I can't watch the baby panda cam on the National Zoo website. Get it together federal government! Get it together Kathy's makeup team!
Last night was the first part of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. Right off the bat the vibe was immediately much different than last years – which was awesome. Teresa Giudice seemed relaxed-ish and confident. Jacqueline Laurita had great hair. And Caroline Manzo's head wasn't smoking. So yay for progress. Everyone was very orange though, but you know it could've been my TV.
Andy Cohen jumps right in. It's clear that some people really either took to heart the therapy and forgiveness, while others cannot and will not let go. Maybe some people really do value their friendships over a show, or maybe it's because they're leaving they want to go out on a good note – whatever.
Caroline has definitely decided that since she is officially done with this show, it's time to get. honest. And getting honest means calling Melissa Gorgaout! Caroline points out that Melissa and Teresa are eerily similar in many ways. While Teresa blinks profusely and thinks carefully about what the word "similar" means, Melissa gets combative and denies, denies, denies! "We're nothing alike. If we were alike, we'd be able to get along," she insists. Melissa insists that at their core she and Teresa are different people. Good thing she cleared that up cause on the surface they're both materialistic, self-absorbed, attention whores! And at their core, they're both rotten!
Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don't know why they bothered taping one this season since it was pretty much a complete rehash of last season's! Of course things ended on a much better note, so there's that – and it seemed as if Teresa Giudice and Joe Gorga had finally taken the steps towards the slow, treacly path to rebuilding… But then we saw WWHL. So, anyway – Deja-Jersey!
Apparently all things Jersey must end with Posche. #Posche4Life. Kim D has some magic clutches on the producers of RHONJ – I mean how on earth has she roped them into filming her event three seasons running?! It starts with Penny Karagiorgis squaring off against Teresa. Did Teresa tell Penny all about the misdeeds of her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga? Penny says yes, Teresa says no. I say (as does Joe Giudice): "Who cares?!"
Penny reveals she has Teresa's phone number in her phone but there's no proof they've communicated as she doesn't save "texez" – or "Texas" if you're Teresa. Then Johnny, Penny's large, not in charge, husband appears to defend his wife and take Poison down to size (invisible?), or something. He's got texas and tweets galore and he's also got Poison breathing down his neck like a steroid-engineered gnome. Little man feisty. Little man get mad. Little man attack. Rawr!
I'm just gonna say it – I'm over this crap. Yep, I just called Real Housewives of New Jersey "crap" so nana-nana-boo-boo. Look I'm as mature as the castmembers now!
So last night was part one of the so-called "epic" season finale. It was pretty much rehashing of last season's season finale except there will be actual fist fighting. So they took last season and made it more trashy! Lovely, Bravo. Really just lovely.
Before all that, we were rendered temporarily deaf by Melissa Gorga attempting to sing. While I was holding my head and cringing, Bravo threw Penny Karagiorgis, her Wal-mart extensions ripped off from a Barbie Halloween costume, and Teresa Giudice shrieking at each other in my face.
It's a miracle I did not spontaneously combust right here on my non-made-of-marble sofa while drinking my non-fabellini alcoholic beverage. Maybe next week…
So last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey the producers teased us with progress, yet again, but then we all ended up right back where we started with some sort of family drama nonsense.
Gaaawd. Gawwwwwd. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd. It's all sooooo boring. We don't care. And you know what, it doesn't even seem believable anymore. Ugh. That's like all I have to muster. Recap over. Bye! Just kidding, but I'm gonna go ahead and say the highlight of last night's show was Penny Drossos-Karagiorgis' 10 foot long ponytail extension from the My Little Pony Weave Collection! Seriously that synthetic tail she was sporting was the color of Kraft Mac & Cheese and looked like straight up plastic Easter grass. As RuPaul would say: 'Grrrrrrrrllllll…'
My other favorite part of the episode: Melissa Gorga's "singing". Her music career is about as believable as Penny's hair. Alright let's dive in!
So Teresa Giudice is pimping out Skinny Italian foods. She's got some sort of "store" where she has all the packages displayed. Is it edible? Apparently she's saving pasta from being boring by dumping a bunch of love in some pre-packaged rigatoni. Whatever. The real point of this meeting is so she can discuss the Melissa drama with her mom and mother-in-law. I'm not gonna snark – the mommies are adorable. They encourage Teresa to invite Joe and Melissa for a family lunch. Alls good now… for less time than it takes to boil a pot of spaghetti!
Things begin with yet another fight about Melissa Gorga allegedly cheating on Joe Gorga. I was rolling my eyes and guzzling my wine with my Milania Hair Care Hairmuffs on so I really don't know what that man was yammering on about. I was all prepared to throw my wine glass at the TV in my own Incredible Hulk Man-angsty moment when Bravo flashed us back 12 hours earlier.
And I really wish I had been prepared with my blinders on! We are greeted by Poison grinding his junk in Melissa's face. 'Happy Birthday baby – just call me Justin Timberlake cause I got you some d*ck in a box!' Melissa is like 'Where? I don't see it… Oh. Yeah that little guy. Awwww… thanks… Hi TUHREEEZA!" If I got Poison's junk in my face for a birthday gift I would cancel birthdays for the rest of my life. And Melissa had never been so happy to see her sister-in-law.
Therapy by Bravo continues, y'all! This time involving a poor innocent horse in its nonsense.
Last night the intransigent Real Housewives of New Jersey gang continued their journey to togetherness in Arizona. While some people seemed to really be soaking in all the free psychological healing Bravo was throwing their way, others really dug their heels into the delusion. I'ma lookin' at you Teresa GiudiceandMelissa Gorga!
Things begin with Melissa complaining that there's too much like progress happening. She croaks out that she's much prefer to sit by the pool and hock up phlegm while drinking cocktails and rocking yet another fringe bikini. Instead they'll be heading to a horse barn for a therapeutic exercise about being vulnerable and trusting others. Melissa wonders if she can wear a fringe bikini.
Outside JacquelineLaurita is relaxing with some spiked orange juice and talking to husband Chris about Teresa's "karma" comment. Jacqueline obsesses over whether or not Teresa was making a dig. Chris doesn't seem to think she was but admits that one never knows with that tricky Teresa. And he's known Teresa since the days when Jacqueline was a lowly Vegas stripper so he's kinda like an expert on Tre's crazy, thanks to Dina.