So last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey welcomed Teresa Giudice back into the land of tequila with minimal drama (that’s saved for next week!). Margaret Josephs does her best to be relevant, and while I really like her, she’s sinking down to a level she shouldn’t…or maybe she’s required to–this is reality television after all! Thankfully the kids scenes were kept to a minimum. I know several readers didn’t appreciate my snarky request not to snark on the kids, but we can all agree we are here to snark…I just like keeping it to the adults who signed up for this circus! As always, thank you for reading, and now, let’s get to slinging super bronzed snark!
The RHONJ episode opens with the ladies and their families prepping for their day a la Southern Charm’s formula. Teresa is sharing her very tiny wardrobe for the upcoming bodybuilding competition with daughters Audriana, Gabriella, and Gia. Audriana calls it like she sees it. The outfit is gross and is certainly going to go up her mom’s butt. Teresa shares that she was nervous to tell incarcerated husband Joe Guidice that she was participating in such an event due to his jealous tendencies. She’s relieved that he is not only supportive, but he hopes she wins. Realizing she can’t change her mother’s tiny-weeny-bikini choices, Audriana remembers the ol’ “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mantra and models some seriously killer poses her mom should use on the catwalk.
Across town, Margaret meets up with Jackie Goldschneider and Melissa Gorga at a local jewelry store to buy the perfect customized gift for Teresa. Melissa’s girls’ day ends here. She has to meet with her mother to divulge that a psychic revealed she may have an extra sister running around that her mom isn’t privy to knowing. The women quickly rehash Milania’s endearing rap debut and Jennifer Aydin’s ability to go from drunken arse to normal chick in twenty-four hours. Also, Jackie is very cold. If you couldn’t tell from her nipples, she is going to make sure to draw attention to them.
Meanwhile, Jennifer is taking her daughter to visit husband Bill at work. With a lunch bribe in tow, she sends her daughter to be tended to by his medical assistants. This is a weekly occurrence as Jennifer likes spending quality time with her hubby while making sure no one is trying to move in on her man while she’s at home. She mentions the upcoming girls’ trip to Mexico. Of course, he’s not thrilled at another few days without his wife providing childcare.
For someone who had never been on a girls’ trip until a few weeks ago, Jennifer is certainly becoming comfortable with mimosas and taking time for herself. For shame! She’s hopeful that her and Margaret’s beef has been squashed so she doesn’t need to unleash her wrath. Daughter Olivia interrupts to request a new bottle of perfume. As a five-year-old, I appreciate that she already knows what she wants!
Frank Catania is helping Tre prepare for her competition. He’s got her pumping iron and showing him her ass. No wonder Dolores Catania hasn’t kicked him to the curb. He’s smooth. He asks about the women’s trip to the vineyard where Dolores had to defend her relationship with him. Teresa wonders if Dolores is using Frank as a crutch, but Frank counters that he may be doing the same thing. Who says they can’t be best friends? He wants nothing more than for Dolores to be happy. He doesn’t want to be in her way. Tre presses that it may be intimidating to other men to date someone still living with their ex. He decides to open up a dialogue with Dolores to make sure she’s doing what is best for her…not best for them.
At Margaret’s house, she’s chatting with hubby Joe Benigno about how she is trying to reunite her ex-husband with her ex-stepson. She hopes Joe will be up for a dinner with her ex and his estranged family member. Joe appreciates his wife for having such a big heart, but he will never be okay breaking bread with her ex…much less his family.
Speaking of family, Melissa and her sisters are dining with their mother, but the sisters have lubed up mom to the point of a Vanderpump Rules employee so she will be able to handle the whole “I think dad had a kid outside of your marriage” conversation. Melissa dives into her reading with the psychic, and her mom doesn’t think that it’s possible her deceased husband had a lovechild. Melissa’s mom isn’t going to deny her husband’s extra “friendships” but he probably would have told her about another kid. Melissa disagrees, but she’s happy to see her mother isn’t in denial. If Melissa wants to chase this rabbit hole, she has her mother’s booze-fueled blessing.
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Dolores, Frank, and their son Frankie are heading to Ultra Tan because, as you know, the family that tans together stays together. Haha! Teresa is also in attendance to glean all of Frank’s tanning advice. The tanner one is, the more defined one’s muscles look. If that doesn’t explain my winter bod to a tee, I don’t know what does! Frankie, also competing, and Teresa bond over their unnatural shade of burnt orange, but damn, their muscles are popping!
Margaret and her friend are working on their hospital heroes gown gala, meeting with all sorts of party planners to solidify the details for their charity events before leaving for Mexico. She discusses her ex-husband’s tense family dynamic. She is hoping an invitation for her party will help heal old wounds.
On the day of the bodybuilding competition, Frank teases not to set off Joe by taking pictures of him smoothing out Tre’s tan. Following in his father’s footsteps, Frankie wins his division with an adorable smile which pulls the attention away from his throbbing orange veins. An extremely tiny and fit Teresa poses like a champ before placing third. Her family isn’t even worried about getting muddied by a post-competition hug. Her daughters, Melissa, and brother Joe Gorga are all over the moon for her accomplishment. Teresa is proud of herself and ready to move onto the next chapter…Mexico and alcohol!
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Melissa models her sexy vacay suit for Joe, promising it will only be a wild trip for Teresa. The women bid farewell to their families before convening in Cabo…complete with Danielle Staub. Margaret is pleasantly surprised that Danielle is keeping her crazy in check. They check into their beautiful resort with Tre assigning the rooms. She will be sharing a room with Danielle.
Dolores is thrilled to have her own suite. Still, she is wary that her bestie has chosen to bunk with her nemesis. Teresa and Danielle toast with celebratory shots to welcome her back into the world of binge drinking. The other women are all a-flutter due to Teresa’s newfound friendship with the woman she once called a prostitution whore. Meanwhile, Danielle confides in Tre that she’s worried about her tension with Margaret.
That evening, Jennifer is disappointed to learn that her husband has been playing with his friends instead of taking this trip as an opportunity to spend more time with their children. Margaret shows Melissa and Jackie the “STRONG” necklace she’s picked out for Teresa’s big win. At dinner, the women discuss the following day’s outing. Margaret is already wary of Jennifer’s alcohol consumption. Teresa is happy to be back on the booze, but she wants to continue her clean eating. Upon being gifted with her necklace, Teresa is elated, but Jennifer intervenes that her brother could have made that necklace better and at a fraction of the cost.
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Margaret reminds Jennifer that she called her to get her blessing on the gift. Jennifer argues that she thought Margaret was just getting Teresa a piece of costume jewelry. So wait, did Jennifer just admit she’d be fine if she’d given Tre some rhinestones from a department store? That seems insulting in and of itself! Jennifer screams that she doesn’t want to pay for something her brother didn’t make. In fact, the necklace is ugly. When Dolores finds your behavior deplorable, there must be a problem.
The ladies hurl insults left and right. Did someone say “monkey’s asshole?” Danielle seems silently thrilled to be out of the drama. Melissa is appalled by Margaret’s monkey’s comment. Still, she cannot believe the severity of Jennifer’s reaction. Danielle takes the opportunity to take her only potential ally on a cool-down walk. Meanwhile, Tre lectures the women on being ugly to Jennifer and Danielle. Melissa and Dolores are shocked by Teresa’s loyalties. In contrast, Jennifer and Danielle lap up Teresa’s “kindness” when she follows them out of the restaurant. Back at the table, Margaret, Dolores, and Melissa are in complete disbelief.
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TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY EPISODE? WHO WAS RUDER AT DINNER–MARGARET OF JENNIFER?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]