Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Mud Masks And Mud Slinging


Last night we received a small reprieve from all the Gorga in-fighting on Real Housewives of New Jersey While Teresa Giudice still carries resentment for her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga, she has honed on Melissa’s volunteer mouthpiece Jackie Goldschneider. In case you didn’t hear her the first fifteen times she said it, Jackie isn’t scared of Tre. Teresa isn’t without her own henchmen thanks to loyal Dolores Catania and Danielle Staub, whose diva demands are finally making the show watchable, IMHO. Margaret Josephs “can’t even” with the bridezilla, which sucks for her since she’s the Matron of Honor. I am digging on Marge, Junior this season, for sure!

Margaret is hosting a brunch on her Studio 54 set in hopes of bringing back those positive vibes from last season…or two seasons ago…or five…wait, she just wants croissants. Melissa and Jackie are stewing over Tre’s ridiculous claims that wives should control their husbands about all things non-penitentiary related. Tensions are running high as Teresa arrives. Dolores has her friend’s back, but she’s hoping for a drama-free event as she’s really enjoying Melissa these days. The women joke about Danielle’s stripper fueled journey to monogamy, and Dolores cringes over being in the same room with her nemesis.

This isn’t just a brunch, it’s a facial on crack.  Dolores wonders how Danielle can snag her twentieth engagement when her boyfriend won’t commit to a dinner reservation. As the women’s faces melt off over fresh fruit and eggs, and Dolores is quick to chastise Melissa for being wishy-washy in how she approaches husband Joe Gorga. Jackie jumps to her defense, causing Tre to threaten bodily harm. This is no Sunday Funday!

Teresa comes guns blazing as Jackie fuels the fire with a calmer decibel which incites more crazy. Melissa watches from the sidelines as Tre yells about FAMBLEE. Danielle jumps in, and Teresa is grateful that the tables have turned in their friendship…rather than being flipped. Margaret silently disagrees with Teresa’s rant, but she knows there is no reclaiming this brunch. Melissa finally speaks up, asking why it’s fine for Dolores to side with Teresa but Jackie can’t back Melissa. Teresa storms away from the table, followed by Dolores. Jennifer Aydin tries to straddle the fence. While she agrees with Teresa, she’s still trying to come back from that Oklahoma debacle.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New Jersey Cast Member Jackie Goldschneider Is Not Scared Of Teresa Giudice; Jennifer Aydin Mortified By Her Behavior In Oklahoma


Danielle is loud in her loyalty to Teresa. Who does Jackie think she is? Why is she so loyal to Melissa? Are they swimming in the lady pond together? I’m convinced this is just Danielle reminding the audience of that one random ballad she wrote with her ex-girlfriend that might have blipped for half a second on iTunes. Margaret announces that it’s time to wash off the face masks, leaving Melissa and Danielle alone at the table. Teresa and Dolores exit stage left, and Margaret is mourning a brunch gone terribly wrong.

I’m not sure why Melissa and Teresa aren’t besties. In one part of town, Tre is embarrassing her daughters while packing microscopic bikinis while her sister-in-law is reveling in Joe’s laser hair removal…down there. I mean, they are practically the same vapid person, right? Are we supposed to believe they are all about to take a trip together? Margaret is rummaging through her closet as well, but we learn all of these bathing suit blunders are the result of Danielle’s desire to have a bride squad photo on the beach…at Danielle’s Bimini nuptials.

The next day, Dolores is being charitable at a local shelter when she receives a surprising call from Jackie. This newbie is a smart one. Despite Dolores’ disdain, Jackie hopes that Teresa’s bestie can help her navigate the craziness that is Teresa without further rocking the Gorga boat. Dolores bites–hook, line, and sinker, joking with Tre’s latest mortal enemy that she’s thrilled to have missed the invite to Danielle’s disaster. The remaining women hop on a flight, and Margaret is already dreading the bridezilla. Danielle has her future husband on dress watch as Joe grabs Melissa’s ass like it’s his job. Bless.

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Back in Jersey, Dolores is donating to a cause near and dear to her heart, a women’s shelter she’s been frequenting for over a year. Major props to Dolores for giving back in a very genuine way. She is there to listen to these women and provide support. Dolores encourages the ladies to share their stories and sincerely gives her encouragement. Hey Bravo, can we see more of this?

Of course, Dolores uses this experience as a reason to forgive Frank Catania for his bar ejection omissions. She shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. In Bimini, Danielle’s youngest daughter is regretting her decision to tag along on her mom’s umpteenth wedding as Danielle rails her friends for not supporting her as well as her daughter has. Um, Danielle? You’re on a Bravo show. Bridezillas is on WE last time I checked (or is it Oxygen?).

Blah, blah, blah, Jennifer has no storyline now that she’s left Oklahoma. So her mom is once again preparing a feast for her daughter’s family. Jennifer’s brother is engaged to a nice Turkish girl, so the crew needs to celebrate. Jennifer played matchmaker for this couple who needed to have kids last year. The pair has only spent a total of ten days together over the last six years. Jennifer is a proponent for these family set-ups. All of her family’s marriages have been arranged, and there isn’t a divorce in the bunch. Oh, how quickly I miss Jennifer’s nothingness when it’s traded for Danielle’s wedding crap.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New Jersey Cast Member Danielle Staub Says Margaret Josephs Planned Bachelorette Party “With Malicious Intent” & “Crossed The Line”

The crew checks into their Bahamian accommodations with Margaret dreaming of skinny dipping while Joe acts upon his foot fetish. Feeling blue because she’s sans a plus one, Teresa settles into her room, not wanting to burden her girls with her loneliness. Obviously, this requires a call to her oldest teenage daughter Gia Giudice to complain about sleeping alone in Bimini.


Gia questions whether the Bahamas in the United States, and Teresa is quick to say no…but wait. Down the hall, Melissa chats with Joe about the rift with his sister while Margaret’s husband Joe loses patience with Danielle’s demands. The next morning, Melissa joins the bride who is bleeding profusely from a giant hole in her tongue. How does that happen? No, seriously, is anyone going to explain how that happened besides asking, “did you eat fruit”? Since when did fruit puncture so severely? The group convenes for dinner, and Danielle is appalled to hear that Margaret plans to wear a bra under her bridal bikini for Danielle’s demanded photo shoot.

The topic turns to Danielle’s fiance’s missing children. They aren’t attending the wedding because they hate Danielle. Margaret tries to relate…Joe Benigno’s kids aren’t her biggest fans, but she’s working to make it better. Danielle, however, demands respect. If fiance Marty Caffrey’s children don’t like her, they must be awful. Marty, clearly defeated over the subject, attempts to defend his bloodline, but Danielle refuses to listen. It’s awkward, to say the least.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New Jersey Cast Member Danielle Staub Says Margaret Josephs Is An “Evil Bitch” & Phony


Marty announces that his marriage to Danielle comes with the detriment to his relationship with his kids. The rest of the table is shocked. That’s not how you treat famblee! Speaking of, Teresa announces that Dolores has sent her well-wishes to enemy Danielle. Because one episode cannot play out with Gorga drama, Joe interrupts to question Dolores’ intentions when attacking his wife for being a bad sister-in-law to Teresa. Melissa finally finds her voice with Tre, airing her grievances over the calamari. Teresa and Melissa shriek about Dolores and Jackie and family loyalty. Joe quickly silences the debate as Danielle seethes over the attention being diverted from her big day.

Joe pulls aside his wife and sister. Back at the table, Margaret and Danielle mince words about the Gorga family loyalty dynamic. Joe does his best impression of a middle school guidance counselor, and it seems to work with Teresa and Melissa. They don’t want to fight. They don’t need newbie white noise. Joe wants to spend time with his dad, too. He’s just working a lot. Tre needs to understand he’s not forgoing family time for partying. He’s prioritizing his business. Still, he understands his sister’s concerns. Joe is so proud of Teresa. Likewise, Tre appreciates her brother’s strength. The siblings hug it out. Is this a breakthrough? I think so!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New Jersey Star Margaret Josephs On Danielle Staub: “Grown Women Don’t Behave That Way”


[Photo Credit: Bravo]