Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Ladies Who Lapdance

Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Buzz Kills it was more of the same: Taylor whining, Kim freaking out, Kyle seeking attention and everyone else trying to act like the reality world isn’t imploding. It was nice to see some fun and fluff with Pandora’s bachelorette party, but that was about the only bright spot in this morose wasteland of the rich, the wannabe rich, and the completely depressing.

Things start out with new Beverly besties Lisa and Taylor meeting for lunch. Lisa just wants to help Taylor. Taylor just wants to ensnare a kind-hearted Lisa in her web of lies and deceit now that Camille is wise to her game. Taylor downplays the disaster at Malibu beach as if she were just a girl who had too many drinks and acted a little cray-cray instead of being one step away from Beverly Mental Hospital. Was anyone else distracted by Taylor’s brows?


Taylor compares the party to walking into the Lion’s Den. I noticed she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring… I also noticed her lie when she told Lisa she hasn’t been drinking much lately and that is why she got so drunk at Brandi’s party. Taylor just needed her liquid courage to confront Camille over ruining her perfect Beverly Hills life so she had at least 10 glasses of vino. Doesn’t everybody act like that at an intimate gathering?

Apparently Bravo Pandora has invited Taylor to her bachelorette party, which coincidentally falls on the same day Taylor turns 40. Oh goody. More Taylor. Lisa thinks it will be good for Taylor to get away and relax and be attacked by a team of chipmunks. Taylor thanks Lisa for lunch and Lisa jokes that she thought Taylor was paying. Funny indeed. Frankly I’m surprised Taylor’s controlling husband is allowing her to spend a weekend in Vegas for a bachelorette party. Oh well, more things that don’t add up! That was an awkward staged interaction lunch, wasn’t it? Lisa was practically checking her watch the whole time.

Camille, Brandi, and Dedra meet up to rehash the Malibu Meltdown. Camille is shocked and disappointed by Taylor’s behavior. Brandi compares it to the exorcist and Camille muses that Taylor needs an exorcism. Everyone is surprised that Taylor is upset with Camille for repeating things Taylor had said herself. And the real Camille finally FINALLY appears this season when she comments on the absurdity of Taylor’s sudden bestie relationship with Lisa. Camille snarks that now Lisa will get to look like the hero by rescuing poor Taylor. Guess Lisa hasn’t learned that grifters, grift and scammers, scam. Cedric taught her nothing after all!

Adrienne and Paul are appearing on The Doctors as a power couple who is living healthy. The argue all the way to the studio and Paul complains about being hungry because his power couple wife doesn’t fix him breakfast, but that’s Bernie’s job Adrienne quips. Backstage Paul snarfs down some catering table desserts while Adrienne reminds him that the segment is about being healthy.

While everyone else is going to Vegas, Kyle is shopping with the morally corrupt Faye Resnick for chandeliers for her annual white party. Oh the white party – that beacon of social events. Kyle will not be going to Vegas because she is doing a photo shoot for her book. BOOK?!?!?! Bravo Home Shopping Network strikes again!

At the lighting store, Faye reminds Kyle they also need some Mezuzahs to protect against the evil eye. Apparently they’ve invited a lot of evil to this party. As payback for calling their friends evil Kyle and Faye drop a prospective chandelier and are forced to buy it. Maybe the evil eye is really repelling them?

At Kyle’s photoshoot the theme is glamorous chaos and there she is in a ballgown with Portia and her dog sneaking cheese off the table. The photos looked cute. Kyle’s book is about her life, with a lot of beauty and fashion tips mixed in – it’s all the things that she loves – I wonder if there will be section dedicated to splits and cattiness? Kim was supposed to drop by and when Kyle calls her it goes straight to voicemail and the message says she’s lost all her contacts but doesn’t check her messages. Apparently Kim doesn’t email, Facebook, or Twitter either so Kyle is resorting to sending her living in the dark ages sister a message in a bottle.

Adrienne has decided to be in Vegas for business that same weekend as Pandora‘s bachelorette and invite Camille, Brandi, Dana, and Dedra to join her. Poor Lisa gets stuck with Taylor as penance. Kim cancels last minute because she’s shuffling a table around her house and she hurt her neck. She’s still moving, guys. Maybe Kim actually has a secret second job with a moving company? Upon learning the news, the girls are like whatevs – she’s boring anyway!

Lisa is wedding dress shopping with Pandora. Pandora wants her mum to wear a giant pink ball gown, but Lisa worried that more people will accuse her of being egotistical and insists it’s ridiculous. And speaking of ridiculous, Pandora tried on one enormous elaborate pinky sparkly fruffy dress after another. She has quite elaborate taste, doesn’t she? Lisa tears up and is murmuring “perfect.” It was very sweet. Still undecided on a gown, the ladies ditch shopping for dresses for shopping for dudes in Vegas!

Arriving at Planet Hollywood, Taylor is thinking: “jackpot!” as Lisa has finally accepted her. She is giggling like a kid in a candy store, sucking down tea on the hostess’ demands, and basically stashing the tea bag in her purse to put in her Lisa-shrine later. Creeeeptastic! Lisa is mothering all the excited 25-year-olds and cooing over them as they check-in and rush around. Lisa is sweet. Taylor is fake. It’s like flourless chocolate cake vs. Little Debbie. Real sugar vs. High Fructose Corn Syrup. Butter vs. hydrogenated oil. Lisa thinks it will be good for Taylor to relax and get shagged by a “chipmonk.” Taylor thinks it will be good for Taylor to do anything Lisa says to establish some Beverly Hills clout.

Lisa keeps reminding everyone it’s Taylor’s birthday, like Pandora and her friends care about some crazy woman they don’t know who is a television acquaintance of her mother. At Pandora’s dinner Lisa gets emotional for her when Pandora opens a bracelet that says property of Jason. Camille‘s right – Lisa loves to mother.

Then the ladies head to Chippendales where Lisa gets a “Mother of the Bride” Tiara and Taylor gets one that reads “Happy Birthday.” Lisa warns that no one should tell Ken she’s up to no good and Taylor demurs that she’s sure he’ll never know… The girls meet the Chippendale dancers backstage and are warned to watch out for “cock socks.” Bravo is into strippers this year! During the show everyone is giggling and dancing and Lisa is having a blast being wrong! Right is so boring! Taylor is shrieking like a banshee – calm down and nice garter strap. Lisa wonders if Taylor has ever seen a naked man before?

Then Lisa, Pandora, and Taylor get hauled up on stage for a lap-dance-a-thon. Lisa really shakes it, Pandora semi-shakes it, and Taylor does a little shimmy and plops down. Actually she was cute. Lisa wins by a landslide and is glad she got to show these twenty-somethings there’s life after 50.

At The Palms the ladies are escorted to The Real World suite where they get to partake in dinner followed by bowling in heels. Dana shows up and after commenting that Adrienne is Vegas royalty, she’s like: ‘guys, guys look what I have!’ And brandishes a million-dollar perfect diamond lollypop holder. Eyerolls all around. Dana sucks and she’s a sucker. Camille and Brandi get bowling and goofing off and then the ladies head out dancing. Camille loves Brandi – a little too much, particularly with the 22-year-old sorority girl dance club grinding that was happening! We know these two have quite the salacious pasts in common! Camille also thinks Brandi is a good addition to the cast. Adrienne is happy she went to Vegas with the girls but is still bent out of shape that Pandora’s party was held at a different casino. #letitgo.

Kyle is shopping with her mother-in-law Estella at her sister Kathy’s consignment shop. They are looking for dresses for the white party. Estella finds an elegant vintage number, which Kyle decides to buy for her, and while getting her credit card from her daughters outside she runs into Kim!

When Kim sees Estella she tries to escape and says she doesn’t want to talk to her for some odd reason. Estella asks about the moving and Kim won’t say where she’s living except to say “nearby” Very, VERY odd. Estella steps outside and Kyle and Kim talk.

Kim breaks down and reveals her daughters are very unhappy with her new relationship situation and she is distraught about the move, which is harder than she expected. Apparently Kim’s children feel displaced and Ken tries to intercede during her time with them. Kim thinks her children never like anyone she dates, and Kyle tries to point out that she just doesn’t choose the right people but everyone wants what’s best for her. Kim wonders why no one can be happy for her then?

Kim breaks down and when Kyle comments on how thin she looks, Kim admits she hasn’t been eating. She feels torn between her relationship and her children and does not want to lose her children over her decision to be with Ken.

Kyle believes Ken is obsessed with Kim and controlling. Kim reveals Ken has a lot of rules and seems to be micromanaging her life to the point where he is telling her when to go to bed. Kim admits she is tried of being alone and wants someone to love so badly. Kim begs Kyle for help and is sobbing hysterically to a confused Kyle. Kyle wants to tell Kim the truth about what the family thinks of Ken and that Kim should be working on herself instead of this relationship but she knows that will isolate Kim further. What a heartbreaking situation.

This season is just too sad. It’s sort of too hard to snark on the ladies with all the sadness and drama happening week after week. Well, I think I’ll go drown my sorrows in some Christmas cookies.

Next Week; White party disaster. Russell threatened Camille via email. Kim and Brandi get in a fight and Kyle has to tell Taylor she’s not welcome at the party on Paul’s insistence!

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are Vanessa Williams and Dot Marie Jones from Glee, who happens to be a 15-times world champion arm wrestler. Andy reveals Lisa’s donkey booty. It’s no Phaedra Parks donkey booty, but really what is?

Vanessa calls Dana out on trying too hard. Vanessa lives near some of the housewives and has seen Kyle 3 times. Andy shows a clip of Camille and Brandi dancing and says two stick thin women rubbing together makes a campfire. hehe. Vanessa gets picked up by a 28-year-old man. Tweet her!

The game is Connect The Dot: TV Housewives Edition. That was actually a really fun game!

Poll Question: Who would you want to see Dot arm wrestle? ANDY HAS TO ARM WRESTLE! And of course he loses but that was really fun.