Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Black And True

Last night’s episode of the Real Trainwrecks of Beverly Hills contained a whole lotta drama that belongs on a different show. Lisa opened SUR, Kim had some sort of ongoing cray-cray with Ken, whom she is now leaving, and Taylor begged the ladies to love her in what I’m sure she believes is a good rendition of Sally Fields’ ‘You really like me…’ Oscar speech.

Things start off with Kyle getting ready for the SUR launch party with her eldest daughter Farrah. After chasing Portia around, Kyle lets a bored seeming Farrah know that Taylor has left Russell and that she and Kim are still fighting. Farrah wonders why Kyle hasn’t figured out how to manage her relationship with Kim already. Why is Farrah more mature than Kyle?

Meanwhile Lisa is putting the finishing touches on SUR and running around in a panic micromanaging every detail before ditching Ken to finish the job and blowing out the door without so much as a kiss. Poor Ken will have to wait until next year for a cuddle. Lisa needs to accept her life is on camera and not be embarrassed to show affection to her husband.


In the land that adulthood forgot, Kim is sitting in the midst of a mess of clothes and other accouterments while getting her make-up done. Does anyone else feel like we’re looking into Lindsay Lohan’s future? A slurry and barely decipherable Kim explains that she and Ken got a hotel at Bravo’s behest to be closer to the party since Bravo wanted to make sure she actually showed up. Kim has apparently packed her entire closet, including a pocket vibrator she just happened to find in her dresser and has no idea where it came from. Yeah ok, Sure.

Kim explains to her make-up artist that she is fed up with Kyle and their relationship is on the outs again after Hawaii. Kim feels Kyle should have spoken with her privately instead of addressing their issues in front of the group. One half of the most passive aggressive sister duo that has ever lived decides she is going to ignore Kyle at SUR. Then she goes onto explain that her relationship with Ken is a challenge.

At SUR, Lisa is in another ill-advised pink satin sheath far too tight for her when Brandi shows up in an ill-advised hot pink tube dress far too low cut for her. Brandi and Lisa joke about Brandi flirting with Ken until Brandi realizes one of the waitresses actually had an affair with her husband. Faux Pas! The waitress informs a stunned Lisa of the delicate situation. After speaking to Brandi, both Lisa and Scheena decide she should leave and the matter was handled totally classily, given the incredibly unclassy situation. I like how Lisa just kept it strictly professional.

Camille arrives <gasp> without DD! Kyle arrives next and instantly commandeers Lisa for a pow-wow about Taylor, who unfortunately was invited. I’ve so enjoyed these last two episodes without the drama sucking vampiress that is Taylor’s existence on this show. UGH. Kyle is not the only one that feels anxious and stressed at the thought of La Armstrong’s impending arrival!

Meanwhile in a seedy hotel, strewn about with the debris of an incoherent life, Ken is a control freak who even micromanages Kim’s wardrobe. He knows what YSL is? And he wants to know where she is and what she is doing at all time. The creep factor is 100%, as Kim crawls on the floor looking for something in a thousand different handbags and wallets, claiming she has to take her meds while Ken barks at her to hurry up. He is a worse nag than Kyle and why is he bossing her around and swearing at her?

Now I feel terrible for Kim and she clearly has had a rough life, but if I want to watch Intervention, I will. I want to watch Lisa and Adrienne swanning around shopping for shoes that cost more than my living room furniture. RHOBH should not be stressful to watch.

The saving grace of this episode was RuPaul who sagely informs Paul: “You’re born naked and then we’re all in drag,” And then Cedric arrives. Lisa immediately confronts him with some soap opera bad acting. I can see why her acting career didn’t take off! Lisa promptly asks him to leave as Cedric swears he has nothing but good intentions and just wants the best of things for Lisa. Brandi pipes up that she didn’t invite him! Haha. Ken arrives reinforce Lisa’s decision to kick Ceddy out as he kisses all the ladies and shows himself to the door.

Drama vortex will appropriately be attending the party with her therapist, Dr. Sophy. Professional ethics, anyone? Taylor tears up over Kennedy’s reward chart, which is more or less a list of behavior re-modification items. Odd. Very odd. And there are like 20 things on there for a 6-year-old. If you don’t bother mommy on the phone you get a star, Kennedy Caroline!

Taylor, looking for affirmation wants her own reward chart. Maybe the ladies can make her one. If you don’t lie you get a star, Shana Lynette Hughes Ford Armstrong! Dr. Sophy, who desperately wants to be famous himself, counsels Taylor on starting a new life and remembering that her friends will support her. Did I see one real tear?!?!? Amazing! If Dr. Sophy knew there was violence in their relationship he is ethically bound to report it, just thought I’d point that out as I am getting my MA in counseling as we speak!

Shockingly, Bravo has also invited Paul’s ex-girlfriend to the party, but neither Adrienne nor Paul seem too upset about it. Good for them! Sorry Bravo, drama attempt aborted! Better luck next time. BTW: is this the party the stomping ground for ghosts of relationships pasts?

In one of the forty staged moments of the night, Kim “coincidentally” finds a white powdery substance resembling cocaine in the back of the limo. Who is she kidding? Kim, of course pretends it’s not hers and “throws it away,” while Ken 2.0 mumbles at her some more. Can anyone understand a word this man says? E-NUN-CI-ATE! Then Kim takes her dingy bra off in the limo, as she slurs about being late. Kim blames her nuttiness on astrology, which hey, it’s one of her better excuses.

In the other crazy limo Taylor and Dr. Crappy make the totally unselfish and appropriate plan to sit down with the ladies and confront them about the “truth,” citing that the old Taylor would typically be afraid of conflict. If you could see the look on my face right now…

Taylor expresses some emotion about dragging her friends, whom she cares about deeply, into this mess. Taylor, although I feel sad for your situation, this is not only Lisa’s night, but a business venture she is hoping will be successful. Is it really the time or place for another meltdown about your marriage. Will Dr. Crappy please wear socks?

Kim shows up and immediately starts complaining about not wanting to see Kyle, who tries to keep Lisa from greeting her. Then Kim whips out her vibrator and shows her manager Bette. Good thing she remember to pack that! Kyle says hello to Kim and the two have an awkward exchange.

Kyle becomes emotional and skulks off to cry with Lisa. You know, I’ve dealt with addiction a lot and this is a hard situation for any family member to be in, but Kyle is insanely co-dependent and needs to detach. It’s very troubling. Perhaps newly minted Life Roach Cedric should have stuck around!

Bette whisks Kim away from Ken 2.0 and they greet Adrienne and Pual, who rave about how gorgeous she looks in her emaciated state. Kim pulls Adrienne aside to let her know she is moving to her own place again. A concerned Adrienne and Kim speak privately in the bathroom about what is going on with Ken. Kim reveals he has a very mean, bad side and he seems to verbally abuse her.

Adrienne asks Kyle to speak to Kim, because she is worried. Poor Adrienne is always in the middle with these two. Kim seems desperate to escape Ken, claiming it is not working with him, and admits she spends her days crying because he puts her down all the time.

Kyle is confused and wonders why Kim stays with Ken? Kim admits she just wants to be with someone. Kyle insists she wants Kim to be happy, no matter what and Kim lets Kyle know that she is still mad at her. Which prompts Kyle to get worked up about Hawaii, like this is a good time for that discussion again.

Kim explains she actually missed the flight because she and Ken were up all night fighting. Kyle apologizes for yelling at Kim in Hawaii, but confronts Kim about never apologizing to her. Kyle just wants to Kim to be responsible and happy, and Kim just wants to be sophisticated and herself.

On the fun side of the party, Brandi confesses to Ken 2.0 that she called him a gay bull mastiff causing Paul to crack up. Poor dense Ken doesn’t get it.

Then, Kim drops the bomb that she is three months late. Is this seriously like a new theme with Bravo? Middle-aged menopausers having fake pregnancy scares for drama? We do not believe you. You are nearing 50, Kim. You are experiencing menopause. Take some estrogen, endure the hot flashes, and join a yoga class. Kim is convinced she is pregnant, but she doesn’t want another child, and instead wants a puppy or a kitty. Kyle suggests taking a pregnancy test, which Kim rejects. I suggest visiting the doctor for some therapy, but they can’ t hear me through the TV. And then Mauricio and Ken 2.0 bust up the party. Kim pretends they are sharing lip gloss, and to break up the tension Mauricio asks for some. Sweet.

Sheesh – nothing says fun like f–ked up siblings believing they are pregnant at 47 after admitting their boyfriends are controlling. Oh wait, then Taylor shows up. Lisa immediately asks if Taylor is ok and questions the bruising under her eye. Kyle comments that no amount of make-up can hide the black eye. Hmmmm… is my response. Taylor suggests sitting down with all the girls, while Dr. Sophy supervises What black eye?

Camille just wants some answers and Taylor admits she has been acting crazy – with real tears – and apologizes. Adrienne speaks for the group about how the ladies have been perceiving the situation. Dr. Sophy starts counseling Adrienne – who is visibly annoyed. Dr. Sophy tells Adrienne to be honest, but Adrienne quickly points out that’s not possible given the impending lawsuit against the ever silent, but wide-eyed Camille. Which gives Taylor quite the pause. Can someone please counsel Dr. Sophy about his footwear? Every time I see him I imagine him having foot odor from not wearing socks. Ick.

Kyle butts in to quip that the important thing is Taylor sitting there with a black eye. But Adrienne’s make up gives her more of a black eye than Taylor appears to have! Adrienne is NOT buying it and will not let this lawsuit thing go.

Taylor claims she and Russell got into a huge fight that had been going on for days. Things got physical and she got hurt. Taylor has been healing for weeks. Taylor decided that was the last straw and she decided not to live that way anymore, prompting her to file for divorce. Did Taylor have a black eye last week? Does she have one now? This time frame is very confusing to me and I want to believe Taylor, I do, but it is all so suspicious! Taylor was photographed numerous times during this alleged time period without a black eye and while I think Russell was definitely a piece of work, something about this whole abuse claim doesn’t add up to me.

Poor Lisa, because while Taylor is leaking intrepid little tears (visine?) Kim is holing up in the bathroom. Ken 2.0 questions her, prompting Kim to scream at him through the door to leave her alone. Ironically, Jennifer from Sober House, knocks on the door to use the bathroom, but Kim is refusing to allow anyone in and continues screaming, “Leave me alone!” Estella is concerned and finally hauls a very loaded Kim out of the facilities. Le sigh.

Taylor is empathetic to her friends’ feelings of confusion, but claims her actions stemmed from being trapped in a physically abusive relationship. Taylor reveals she didn’t believe she was valuable enough to expect anything better and begs for forgiveness and love, because she loves the ladies tremendously – after knowing them how long? Lisa and Kyle are buying it hook line and sinker, but Adrienne and Camille are suspicious.

Kyle doesn’t feel Taylor owes them an apology and Camille finally interjects. She wants one! Taylor dutifully apologizes, because she desperately wants these ladies to be her friend. Doesn’t she have any not made for TV friends? Taylor just wants to know the ladies are there for her and they all share a Golden Girls moment hand pile. Cue cheesecake on the lanai (btw: happy 90th Betty White!) Best friends forever – gag. At least Brandi and Paul had fun at this party!

Next week: Season finale! Pandora’s wedding! And the ladies get together following Russell’s death.

Watch What Happens Live: It’s the For Richards Or Poorer Party with Kyle and Mauricio. Kyle apparently hid from Kelsey Grammer on the red carpet at the Golden Globes! Kyle and Mauricio are very subdued after the traumatic episode.

Kyle is not perturbed by Taylor bringing her shrink to the party, but she was disturbed watching the episode – which Kim is not watching. Mauricio confirms that Kim and Ken are no longer together. Andy compares Brandi to a promiscuous Afghan Hound. Burn!

Kyle plays Plead The Fifth and she fifths out on answering which of her co-stars need a make over (Adrienne – cough, cough). Mauricio is up next! He pleads the fifth on the last lie he told Kyle and gets stuck answering who is his least favorite BH housewife. Unsurprisingly he answers with Brandi.

Kyle is standing by her decision to ask Taylor and Russell to leave The White Party. Maurico admits it was difficult watching Kyle’s behavior at Game Night. The game is The Ultimate Free Pass and the very jealous lion Kyle is not loving it and Mauricio gets a free pass with Betty White.

And no Kyle appearance is complete with Kyle doing a split – so yeah, splits indeed! Kyle compares the reunion to emotional abuse. Eeks.

The Poll Question: Who was the biggest drama queen this season? Was anyone surprised by the results? Kim and Taylor nearly tied for the win, but frankly I think Jill Zarin needs to investigate the accuracy of the results!