Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Make New Friends, But Keep The Old

WOO HOO! A new season of Real Housewives of Orange County and these biatches better bring it to redeem the great dramaful state of California following the Beverly Buzz Kills debacle. Tamra you do call the shots – to the bartender! Line ‘em up!

Things begin with Gretchen in her totes normal house with a totes normal bathroom, despite the rose petals on the floor. And that’s one thing I’ve always loved about Gretch. Her cutie little beach house that never turns into a McMansion she can’t afford. Gretch is curling her Kim Zolciak Weave Collection wig while wearing over-the-knee boots with a white denim jacket when Slave walks in. He wants to know what she’s late for? Just lunch. Gretchen is elusive and Slave isn’t allowed to come with. He must stay home and pick up dog poop or something.

After using the word “Babe” about 300 times in five minutes, Gretchen confesses she is actually having lunch with her arch nemesis, Tamra! Cue the suspenseful music! The two evil queens of Orange County will meet with each other in a blonde vs. blonde face-off, to once and for all, bury the hatchet!


Gretchen reveals that she is so tired of the Tamra nonsense and it has really taken a toll on both of them! Slave is furious that Gretchen would try to make amends with the woman that so besmirched their stellar reputations, but Gretchen wants to be the bigger person. And by that she means the person with bigger hair. To lunch by the shore she shall go!

Moving along we go to Vicki’s house. Vicki is selling her mansion. And she’s also still a micro-managing, OCD, control freak who is nagging Michael about arranging a bed spread. Michael lives at home so Vicki can do all the work cleaning up after him while he gets trashed and makes fun of her. Actually, I love Mike – he’s one of my favorite Housewife kid-dults. Vicki is having a meltdown about showing the house and rushing around abusing pillows. She’s, um, quite serious about that dent in the middle, isn’t she?

Donn is also still living in the house, because Vicki needs his financial help to maintain things, however, they make a concerted effort to avoid each other and haven’t interacted in two months. Why can’t Vicki just admit she’s moved onto the sofa in her Coto Insurance office? I think Donn is intentionally forgetting to jackknife the pillows.

Vicki tells us about her new man, Brooks, who has never visited her house because it would be disrespectful to Donn. Vicki is happy and feels fulfilled and everything is perfect. Except the pillows. They’re just never right.

Tamra and Gretchen meet, circling each other in a swirl of peroxide blonde while waiting for their cocktails. Tamra admits the hatred between the two desperate to be queen bee Housewives has reached a critical and toxic point – more deadly than the tanning beds they regularly subject the leather they call skin to. Gretchen is wary, because as we all know, Tamra is a wild card who might throw wine in your face because you say the wrong thing! Cease and desist, bitch!

Tamra gets right to the point. She likes Gretchen, but it was beneficial to the storyline to hate her and Slave and keep digging up dirt on them. But now that the producers have told her to knock it off, she’s lost Jay Photoglou’s number and wants to make amends. Gretchen smiles, nods, and avoids the appetizers.

Tamra wants to move forward and Gretchen realizes being pissed is really aging so she’s wants to let it go as well. The ladies come to the amazing conclusion that in the future they should just talk TO each other instead of about each other! Hmmmm… imagine that! Tamra apologizes and Gretchen accepts. And then Tamra gives Gretchen a friendship bracelet with a cheesy Halmark message and just like that they’re best friends forever. There’s only two problems: Slave and Vicki! Those two will surely ruin this blossoming love with their jealousy!

Tamra admits Vicki scares her and she hasn’t told her about this little tet-a-tet, because she doesn’t want to make the Vickster mad. Um… is Tamra going to claim Vicki’s abusing her next? Tamra admits she kinda feels a little like she’s cheating on Vicki with Gretchen, because she has been sneaking around behind her back. No worries – Vicki will find out at the party she’s having that everyone is invited too!

We check in with Alexis and discover… she’s still Alexis! Sadly. Except she has a new assistant that doesn’t at all resemble Jimblob. Alexis tells a lie about selling her old house that she was renting and buying a new house. She’s still in charge of everything domestically related. She still has Alexis Hoe-ture. Who is buying that schlock, I ask? She’s still wearing crop tops and huge extensions. And camel toes. She has a new job doing beauty and health reporting for some news show in San Diego. And she’s going to be sporting camel toe on live television? Twice – once for the news and once for RHOC. If she likes camel toe, so does Jesus, cause he just wants her to be happy, you guys!

Alexis is scrambling around getting everything prepped for her big Friday morning gig talking about butts on the news. She’s so relevant, y’all! In the tizzy of putting snack bars on the counter, she forgets to set the alarm for her forty-something blob; so now the kids aren’t going to get up in time for school. Doesn’t Jim have a job to get to? #rhetoricalquestion.

Alexis is in the car freaking out as she calls Jim repeatedly. Her assistant is looking at her side-eyed, like she is the dumbest person alive, wishing she had an eject button to get this broad out of her passenger seat. Alexis kisses the phone, begging Jim to answer. Her assistant lamely suggests she call the home phone; which is disconnected. Alexis claims she doesn’t have the new home phone number – I think somebody didn’t pay the bill!

Tamra is meeting up with her wifey, Vicki. Tamra thinks Donn and Vicki need to quit the Jerry Springer shit and move into separate residences already. They talk divorce deets. Donn wants spousal support, which Vicki sees a slap in the face. Simon still hasn’t signed the divorce papers and he is haggling for patio furniture. Tamra thinks its just another way for him to control her. We find out Donn has a younger lady. Good for you, Donn! Vicki won’t discuss her sex life, and Tamra suspects she’s a closet freak whose getting freaky all the time. Ewwww…

Tamra introduces us to new Housewife, Heather, by pretending to sell her a $4 million dollar lot. Heather is dubious about living above a shopping center, but nevertheless the ladies make plans to go for coffee. In the car Tamra pretends she has just met this new great girl that she really is intimidated by likes and asks if she can bring her to Vicki’s party – which Vicki is having purely to matriculate Heather into the group!

Moving right along to Alexis’ budding career as a Pulitzer prize winning journalist, Jesus Barbie is hosting a segment about National Booty Awarness Week Month, by introducing Dr. Booty and his uniquely patented way of describing fruit on the bottom, aka what shape is your butt! Although Alexis isn’t sure if he really has a PhD, he’s very knowledgeable about butts, so he’s practically a doctor, right?! That was embarrassing to watch – ugh!

Sadly for poor Alexis and her Katie Courig (yes, Courig, she said) dreams, she totally sucks. After explaining to us about how you just can’t mess up on live TV– she messes up everything and it’s a big ol’ cluster f*ck. Um… instead of spending all that time on her make-up, perhaps Alexis should have rehearsed her lines.

Tamra and Heather meet for coffee. Heather looks like she would rather die than be there with Trashy Tamra. Tamra is excited about introducing Heather to the group, being that Heather is very different from everyone else. Meaning not only is she a brunette, but she’s classy, sophisticated, and intelligent. Heather is married to a plastic surgeon, which she declares is an investment in her future. How many items do you thinks she’s used that line?

Tamra predicts Alexis will not take to Heather, because Heather is everything Alexis wishes she were – namely rich! Well, Heather’s husband seems to be gainfully employed, whereas Jim can’t work a freaking alarm clock. Heather seems nice and interesting – I’m excited to see how she’ll spin this group up! So do y’all think Tamra likes Heather?! She kinda seems to have a little girl on her!

Alexis arrives at Gretchen’s for a pre-Vicki’s party drink. Alexis gifts Gretchen with some Alexis Hoe-ture. That’s going right in the Goodwill bag – or on one of eBay closet clean out acutions. Alexis is annoyed that Tamra will be there and she packed the Shout wipes just in case Tamra gets a little cray-cray with the red wine. Gretchen awkwardly avoids letting Alexis know she actually likes Tamra now.

The ladies talk Peggy attending Vicki’s shindig and Alexis is nervous about running into her – after all Peggy stalked her husband and that’s a total faux pas! Does Alexis seriously expect us to believe ANYONE stalked Jim Bellino – even Gretchen was seconds away from laughing in her face! Alexis goes on and on about how Peggy was in the wrong for not telling her they had sex 40 million years ago and she believes Peggy is still obsessed with Jim.

Gretchen introduces her friend Sarah to the group. Sarah has decided to show up in a pair of ratty jeans and hair that’s never seen a brush. I predict that this one will be a winner. Not. In the limo they continue to talk Peggy and how she betrayed Alexis. So tiresome.

Meanwhile at Tamra’s, Peggy has returned to dish about Jimblob. Tamra thinks Peggy is rightfully embarrassed about her affiliation with Jim – even though it was 15-years-ago. Peggy reveals that Jim was very popular with the ladies. Yes – Jesus Jim used to be a player, and he had a lot of toys. I guess he was always spending money he didn’t have! No word on the size of his member. #thankyoujesus. Peggy seems hesitant to discuss much, which is either because she’s A) embarrassed; B) a nice person who doesn’t trash talk a friend’s husband; or C) has something to hide.

Vicki is having a Cajun Themed backyard BBQ because she’s taken to Southern food since dating Brooks. Vicki’s yard looks beautiful, but her skirt is faaar too short! Vicki is hoping for a peaceful, dramaless night. Tell tale death knell right there!

As Peggy, Heather, and Tamra (sporting an Adrienne Maloof castoff in the form of a satin ill-fitting, eighties jumpsuit) arrive, Alexis’ hair stands on end. She’s furious at Peggy for dating her man and she’s not going to take it any longer!.

Alexis wants to be cordial and ladylike–a good Christian woman–but she’s not, so whaddaya gonna do! And we’ll have to wait until next week to see how this pans out! Poor Heather – she does seem too classy for this bunch of wild hoodlums in discount cocktail dresses!

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are Gretchen and Taylor Armstrong – just in case you haven’t seen enough of her lately, she’s back! Gretchen looks super pretty, but I’m over the side pony. Taylor looks frazzled and in desperate need of a hydrating facial. Slave is also in the house as the WWHL bar bitch!

Andy compliment counts Tamra’s butt kissing of Heather and rehashes Alexis’ Dr. Booty segment. What kind of fruit is a butt kisser? I gotta admit Gretchen’s pretty fun tonight.

Andy confronts Taylor about Brandi’s comments concerning her book and Taylor goes all Oklahoma, stating Brandi says explosive things because she wants a permanent job with RHOBH. Yeah – she specifically wants your job Tay-Tay, because we’re all hoping you’ll be collecting Unemployment next year. Oh whoops – did I say that out loud?

Andy rebuttals that a lot of people think Brandi speaks her mind. Taylor quips it would be a short segment. Oh Taylor, give it up. Andy wonders why Taylor thinks people are responding negatively to her book? Taylor talks about the cycle of violence and Andy calls her out that she is writing the book for money. Dang, Andy! Where were you at the reunion?!

Andy asks about Russell’s sister publicly doubting the book. Taylor claims everyone is hurting–including her–and that Laurie Kelso doesn’t know what happened. She reveals she has a titanium mesh implant holding up her left eye and she has to get another CAT scan, so take that abuse doubters! Yikes!

Gretchen denies getting work done, but desperately wants a nose job! Gretchen won’t answer if she and Slade will tie the knot! The Taylor-Fernanda affair is addressed, and Taylor says Fernanda made it up. Gretchen looks shocked to hear this!

Gretchen is up first for Plead The Fifth, she pleads on the Alexis question and freezes and won’t sing live. LAME. Andy wonders if said song exists… I wonder if said recording artist was actually the said singer of said song! The lady doth protest too much!

The game is Booty-ful Stranger! OC has better booties than BH – hand’s down! Taylor is up next for Plead The Fifth – and she agonizes over every question, claiming she’s been tortured enough lately. Although, she does choose Lisa over Adrienne – which is interesting.

The Poll Question is: Do you think Tamra & Gretchen’s friendship will last? 70% say NO!