Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Paint It Green

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, skeletons came out of the closet, or the bedroom if you will, as Tamra and Gretchen told the other ladies about their new friendship and the truth about Brooks’ trouble with the law surfaced.

Things start out at the Effing Catalina Wine Mixer. Which, really is a wine mixer with all the wine these forty-something parents are mixing! No wonder they are acting like such nut balls. They could have their own Will Farrell-esque comedy about people who refuse to grow up.

Tamra is obviously insane – it’s more clear than ever after her meltdown last week – and is very upset that Vicki and Eddie were touching. Tamra is sobbing jealous because she loves them both so much. Eddie reassured her that he is not interested in Vicki, and that he loves her very much. Why he’s interested in Tamra is a whole ‘nother subject.

Back at the table Tamra starts crying again, explaining she doesn’t care about horoscopes, but Vicki and Eddie aren’t allowed to high-five or get within a 50 foot radius of each other. What is she so worried about?????


Suddenly, she turns her psychosis on Brooks and demands to know if he likes fake boobs or is an ass man. Brooks was rightfully appalled and shocked. Then, she wants to do body shots. I think Tamra needs to lay off the alcohol and find some psych meds. I wonder if they have any drugs that alleviate the symptoms of white trash behavior? Later she’ll be puking on a boat and trying to blame sea sickness – I think that’s called, being hung over!

Moving on, Heather, Terry, and her high expectations are out to dinner. Heather obviously thinks she’s cute; cute as in coy and witty. I reserve judgment on her. She describes her husband as part husband/part little brother she never wanted. He describes her as a 90 percent-er because she sends 90% of her food back at restaurants. She seems to have an eau de Bethenny Frankel about her, as in, she loves complaining and over-reacting for attention.

Terry describes Vicki’s dinner party as low-rent (ha!) because of the trash bags full of food the chef tossed on the table and described as southern style. Just a clarification – I’m from the south and I’ve never eaten shrimp out of a Kroger bag before. The chef should have put the CAJUN-style food on paper or in paper-lined baskets. Heather decides she’s going to throw an up-rent party so she can show these girls how it’s done, but she’s not having at her house because something tells her showing them where she lives would be a bad idea. I can see Alexis turning a little SWF on this one.

Gretchen is walking the dogs dressed like a street-walker. What is with that Fast Times At Ridgemont High get-up? I always aim for cameltoe when roaming around my neighborhood, don’t you? She’s desperate for attention. Slave tells her he’s gotten an opportunity to do stand-up at the improv where Gretchen will be hosting a comedy show.

Gretchen instantly starts putting Slave down and basically tells him, he’s not funny and there’s no way he could be a stand up comedian. She tells him he doesn’t have any material… Ummmm… she does realize he’s been hanging out with these OC broads for seven seasons. He’s got material in spades. He can start with Gretchen’s constant attention whoring. Or his own – as he now thinks this could be a jump-off for a career in comedy. I’m losing my patience with these two – him in particular.

In Catalina, Tamra is vomiting, and Eddie still can’t get past his pink taco stand putting Brooks’ hand on her boob. Which is making me vomit. Tamra, in turn, doesn’t want any other woman’s hands on her hot dog stand. They apologize over and over about the fight, and then sweetly refer to each other as street meat carts. Oh, love in a low-class paradise! Can we recast these two?

Heather is planning her painting/cocktail party. Despite the fact that its last minute, everyone is miraculously free. #producerintervention. No one can comprehend the painting thing. Either these women have never heard of painting or they all need to get their hearing checked.

New be sties, Gretchen and Tamra, are shopping for sex toys. We know Gretchen likes sex toys. #jayphotoglou Apparently, they have bonded over raunchy humor. I’m surprised to say, I learned something new from a Real Housewives show – namely that I can purchase something to give a blowjob for me. I had no idea these things exist. Is anyone shocked there was no cross-promotional plug for Bedroom Kandi?

It’s the day of the painting party. Heather announces she had her caterer make a completely carbless meal in honor of Tamra. Tamra arrives and she either has the flu or she is pregnant. Ok, who comes to a party after vomiting and then announces it to the host? Ick. Also, ENOUGH with the middle-aged pregnancy plots, Bravo. WE ARE NOT BUYING IT! (sorry for shouting, readers). And if you really thought you were prego, would you continue slamming the wine?

In the limo, Alexis is still obsessing over Peggy and how much Peggy has changed. I can’t even comprehend Alexis’ rambling – it’s too tangential. Gretchen is just like ‘oh gosh, shuddup!’ and tries to be the voice of reason in the situation, forgetting that Alexis is completely incapable of reasonable thought.

I agree with Gretchen; I do believe Jim should have told his wife, and Alexis should feel betrayed by him. Although, I really do not understand why anyone would care who, coincidentally, dated their husband more than a decade before you met him.

Lex then admits she is jealous of Tamra and Gretch’s new relationship, and she does not believe Tamra is a changed girl with the purest of intentions regardless of the special pink princess bracelet she gave Gretchen as a peace-offering. I’m not sure what Lex was more bothered by ,the sex shop or the new friendship.

Over hors d’oeuvres, Heather announces she, and six of her friends, are opening a restaurant because there are no good places to eat in the OC. Alexis shocks the panties off me when she uses the word pretentious to describe Heather. Suddenly, the talk turns to blowjob helpers. Heather is clearly not prepared to deal with the crass behavior of these women and schools them on being inappropriate in public with their lewd conversation. Although, she did get in a little joke about how married people don’t go down! I’m liking Heather’s infusion of class into this group.

Vicki acts like she, too, is above the uncouth behavior, but then insults the painting instructor by insisting no one would name their child Timree and going on and on about what a ridiculous name it is. So rude! I really like Timree’s studio – it’s cute and cozy. I also like Alexis’ shoes.

While painting Heather tells the girls more about her past life as an actress and singer, which is not an acceptable conversation to Alexis. Apparently blowjobs are fine, but past careers are taboo. Alexis is very catty over Heather, isn’t she?

Another person who can’t handle the new GretchRa friendship is Vicki, and an argument erupts over hair compliments. These ladies have some serious jealousy issues. Vicki and Alexis spend the painting party being faux-BFFs and making fun of GretchRa. Then everyone takes FB photos with their new bestie. Alexis tries to take credit for Gretchen and Tamra sorting out their issues, which doesn’t sit well with the GretchRa sofa. Is this a prequel to the reunion? I feel like I’m in a second grade sleepover party time warp dealing with these girls.

Things go from bad to worse when Terry arrives. Terry’s humor falls flat, mainly with his wife who is really upset by everything he says. Apparently, making jokes about their marriage is a sore subject. Heather is an odd one. Terry seems fun. After Tamra makes another sex joke and Terry teases about marriage, Heather storms across the room and guzzles the rest of her wine. Does she think that little scene is going to get her some acting gigs? It’s not.

Then Brooks arrives and Gretchen, surprisingly, really likes him. For now! You should have seen Vicki’s face when Tamra told her she liked Gretchen’s painting better than hers! Vicki repays the compliment by leaving without hugging Tamra. How old are these women? This new BFFL stuff is annoying. BUT I like that everyone is getting along for the most part; that makes the show more fun to watch.

Back at Gretchen’s, Slave is cooking dinner, and she reveals she’s learned some gossip about ol’ Brooks and his child support indiscretions. Gretchen tries to keep it classy by saying she wants to go to the source and find out if the rumors are true, but Slave is furious about the hypocrisy.

Slave is fightin’ mad and he wants Gretchen to confront Vicki about all the accusations she made about him being a deadbeat loser. Look, Slave is missing the point – he’s still a deadbeat loser, it’s just that Brooks is one too! Although he’s right, Vicki is a total two-faced hypocrite who should be rightfully called out on it. Particularly if she was spreading lies about Slave.

Slave continues ranting and raving; calling Vicki a bitch, and revealing that she only has three employees at Coto Insurance. Hehe. Gretchen wants to let it go and continue trying to make amends with Vicki and Tamra, but Slave isn’t willing to try. I think Gretchen had the right idea – just ask Brooks what happened!

Next week: Heather and Alexis get to know each other. Slave debuts his improv to shocking reviews. And Vicki learns more about Briana’s health issues!

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are Tamra and comedian, Billy Eichner. Tamra obviously forgot to leave the trash at home as she “slips” and calls Alexis “Alex-ass” (which is actually hilarious) over her jealousy with Heather. Tamra, again, talks about her new friendship with Gretchen and apparently, everything is the fault of outside influences, aka gossip!

To prove Eddie is a weirdo over the boob grab, Andy shows a clip of Tamra making out with him. Apparently, Eddie was only pretending to find it funny and he’s still mad! Tamra does admit she over-reacted about the Vicki/Eddie touchy-fest!

Andy reveals that Heather is the first Jewish housewife! Um… is he forgetting the infamous Jill Zaaaah-rin! Billy thinks Heather is totes overdoing it on the Jewishness. hehe. Tamra loves Heather, which is an understated way of saying she is in awe of her.

Tamra is up first for Plead the Fifth and of course pleads on Vicki vs. Gretchen, but then gets stuck choosing between Slade and JimBlob! Slade it is (I would pick him too!). Live TV or not, Tamra is truly stumped on naming three good things about Alexass. Even Billy can’t think of any! Ok, I can’ t help it, but I kinda love Tamra and think she’s so funny, albeit trashy as hell.

Tamra reveals she had lip envy over Taylor Armstrong, and got her lips done. AAAHHH! EWWW! Tamra plays coy on discussing Brooks‘ child support issues. Billy is up next for Plead the Fifth. He’s so funny! I love when Andy has comedians on this show. If forced by gunpoint to marry a Kardashian, Billy chooses Kris Jenner for her little lesbian hair-do. AHA! Well she’s got the Zestra all ready for you, Billy

Tamra addresses the issues with Vicki and handles it in a very classy manner. She admits it was difficult for Vicki, and she didn’t want to hurt her feelings by flaunting her friendship with Gretchen, but apparently, Vicki and Tamra are still friends and Vicki has accepted Gretchen is also friends with Tamra.

Poll Question: Who should Heather choose as her best friend? I’m going with Camille Grammer! But the viewers chose Vicki, who wins with 45% of the vote!