Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Frankie Says Relax

Well, the eighties happened and then they came back to haunt us. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County might as well have been titled ‘What The Eff?’ I have no idea what was going on, either in the show or in Vicki’s head. There were so many meltdowns I couldn’t keep track! There was whining, crying, and screaming everywhere I turned. The only person not acting insane was the person about to undergo surgery to remove potentially cancerous tumors! Why is Briana a zillion times more mature than a pack of women twice her age?

Things begin at Tamra‘s ’80s themed Bunco party. The guys arrive all in period themed costumes; Slave stole Billy Ray Cyrus’ mullet, Eddie looks silly, and Terry bought his wig at Dollar General. It was fun. Vicki immediately freaked out upon seeing Slade and went off the deep-end. Tamra tried to include Brooks, but he couldn’t come. Alexis was pissed because Jim wasn’t invited–because no one likes him–although, Tamra claims he didn’t want to participate.


Vicki is furious Slave was invited after the Improv event and feels betrayed by Tamra. Gretchen tells Slave she just had a fight with Ricky and Slave confronts him; insisting 300 people were laughing. Yes, they were, but not at his routine! Vicki pipes in wondering when this loser became a comedian and he gets incredibly defensive about his act. Cue Vicki storming out, round one.

Vicki returns with a vendetta and informs Slave that her parents think she’s beautiful and that is all that matters. Then she tells him to get a job. He doesn’t know what that word means and thinks it’s an insult. The two start arguing about how she’s never said anything about his looks and Gretchen screams that calling him a deadbeat is worse. I would venture to say BEING a deadbeat is worse than being marginally unattractive – but that’s just me! Now, if Slave spent oodles of time with his son, that would be different, but based on what we’ve observed with his frequent trips and social endeavors, it seems he has limited interaction, as well as not paying for anything.

Gretchen and Vicki immediately start screaming at each other. Literally high-pitched shrieking about deadbeat dads and motherhood. Vicki says Gretchen isn’t a mother and doesn’t know what it’s like, then she said her first ex-husband never paid child support. Gretchen rightfully calls her out on dating Brooks, a man who went to jail for not paying support. Vicki is enraged that Gretchen brought up her man without knowing the story and Gretchen is flabbergasted. So am I.

Vicki is a hypocrite and Gretchen is ridiculous. I am disgusted this is a storyline for the season. Which loser boyfriend is the worse deadbeat? Is Bravo serious?

Vicki storms out again and Tamra follows her. Vicki is shocked she had a screaming fight, cause she’s, like, an adult. #ageisbutanumber. And Tamra is now a life coach. While Gretchen is extolling her virtues of how Tamra has changed and confessed to feeling awful for the things she said about Slave last year, Tamra is outside telling Vicki what a loser he is. Which, is true; he is a loser.

Back inside, Gretchen is freaking out about how Vicki is a hypocrite who can’t take criticism. Gretchen loves Slave and she’s sick of Vicki trashing him. Gretchen obviously attended the Taylor Armstrong Seminar of Dramatic Sobbing Without Tears. I mean, really, does she expect anyone to believe she was actually crying?

Vicki is shocked that no one is empathetic about Brooks getting behind in child support and she doesn’t condone men who don’t support their children. Furthermore, he is caught up and it’s fine for her to be dating him. Ok, then! Whatever helps you sleep at night, Vicks!

I will say, at least Brooks has a job, whereas Slave‘s unemployed, except for waddling behind Gretchen acting as a human Gretchen Christine hobobag. Yes, he’s entirely cheap, tawdry, and made of plastic too.

Gretchen makes a list of all the reasons Vicki demands nice treatment: her butt is bleeding, her love tank is empty, she’s dating a fellow loser who got behind in child support. Ok, that was funny.

Heather, remembering she was actually hired to participate, comes over and awkwardly comforts Gretchen, while looking like she doesn’t want to get cooties from touching her. Heather speaks for all of us people at home when she wonders who acts like this? She can’t believe she wasted a baby-sitting night on this crap. I can’t believe I wasted half a bottle of wine watching it.

Tamra comes back inside to soothe Gretchen. Tamra explains that Vicks is one step away from a nervous breakdown and Gretchen’s like, ‘Yeah, I don’t care, she should pick up the phone if she wants to know Slave’s child support woes. She’s still a bitch.’

Apparently, Tamra is now a saint with excellent communication and friendship skills in the much Gretchen Christine Bootayed eyes of Gretchen. Now all the blame for several years antics falls on Vicki. As Tamra says, she and Gretchen are choosing to forgive and accept, but not forget. Please Lord, make the Tamra Self-Help epiphanies stop. Love, Alexis Mary

It’s so hard to focus on serious conversations when they are all wearing such ridiculous outfits. Gretchen is lecturing Tamra on how Vicki needs to treat Slave with respect (just like she does) and all I can focus on is her crimped hair.

Adding to the trouble, Tamra is confused. See, she doesn’t see the correlation between Vicki pointing out the obvious; that Slave is a deadbeat dad and Slave saying Vicki is Miss Piggy. As she explains, Slave actually is a deadbeat father and Vicki, while obnoxious and vaguely snout-ish, is not a Muppet.

After all of that there’s dessert and MORE BUNCO? People weren’t running for the door? Bravo was definitely forcing them to stay!

In the aftermath of Vicki storming out, Tamra quizzes Terry about boob reductions and Gretch whispers that Lex is having a sinus surgery/nose job next week. Cut to Alexis staring off into space with a ‘huh’ look on her face pretending not to know they are talking about her. What is Gretchen’s new thing where she talks shit about Alexis to Tamra when Alexis can hear? She did this last week. Isn’t Lex supposed to be her friend?

Terry jokes that the sinuses are actually under the eye and everyone pretends that’s the reason for the nose job. Lex butts in to let him know that a) she heard the convo; b) she knows where her sinuses are; and c) Terry isn’t her doc and should deal with his own patients. Dang, Alexis schooled Dr. Dubrow! She’s really upset that everyone is accusing her of having purely elective surgery.

Heather claims Terry had no idea Gretchen was talking about Alexis, but Alexis is fired up about his unprofessional antics. Oh, Alexis. Simmer down, hun! Tamra then tells Alexis she has a huge nose and she should just admit she wants a nose job because she needs one. Is this the worst party ever or what?!

According to Tamra, Alexis is just upset because she is having fun with Gretchen. Heather tries to smooth things over, but Alexis doesn’t want to hear it. Alexis then yells at Gretchen for not defending her to Tamra. I agree with Alexis. Gretchen was totally out of line. Alexis is crying and Gretchen is basically accusing her of being ridiculous; saying she can fight her own battles. Gretchen is a horrible friend. The argument continues in the limo where Gretchen claims she kicked Tamra under the table to tell her to be quiet, but Alexis is apparently not as dumb as we think and knows full well that her friend basically threw her under the bus.

Alexis now hates Heather, who wonders if it’s possible for Lex to get a brain lift because she’s completely incapable of comprehension skills. I think Alexis was emotionally drained and drunk. Well, that party was a bust, wasn’t it?

I don’t even know what happened next. Gretchen is in the car with Slave, faking a hoarse voice stemming from her meltdown. She reads him texts from Vicki, who is disgusted by Gretchen screaming at her and claims Brooks isn’t a deadbeat.

Tamra visits Vicki at work and it’s more of the same thing. Tamra tells Vicki she had no idea inviting Slave would be so upsetting, and is puzzled about how Vicki can’t understand that Brooks is no different from Slave. Can Vicki get a brain lift? What the hell is wrong with her?

Vicki doesn’t understand why Tamra didn’t step in during her argument with Gretchen; Tamra speaks for all of us when she explains everyone was shocked and no one knew what to think. Except for Heather, she thought, I need to get out of this contract ASAP. Vicki plans to talk to Gretchen and work things out, but for the moment she’s too busy with Briana‘s health.

Briana has Donn over to her apartment and it’s so cute. Briana is still very close to Donn, whom she considers her father. He has been very supportive through her health crisis. Donn obviously doesn’t seem to want a divorce. Briana is happy they will be able to develop a relationship as adults and I hope they stay close.

Meanwhile, Alexis gets some Alexis Couture in the mail. Good lord, they are ugly, cheap, and unflattering. She models the dresses for Jim and her kids; saying Jim is very supportive because she can work on her dresses from home and because it makes her happy. Jim is really making an effort in the PR department, isn’t he?

Alexis is getting her nose job/sinus surgery. And freaking out. Jim is with her and helps her pray to God for a good nose; which oddly reassured her. She is crying and carrying on like she’s never been to the doctor before. Need I remind you, Alexis has given birth twice and had a boob job. I understand being nervous but that was a little dramatic. On the bright side, she looks pretty without make-up.

Briana is also preparing for surgery. She will have her thyroid and lymph nodes removed and biopsied for cancer. She’s calm and mature about it, simply accepting that there’s nothing she can do except wait and hope for the best. Vicki is haggling with her about packing and basically wants to inspect her luggage and re-pack for her. I feel so awful for Briana; she’s so young and I hope she is healthy. How she is a product of Vicki, I’ll never know.

Vicki is understandably hysterical, but instead of reassuring Briana she is freaking out and hyperventilating. Briana echos Gretchen‘s sentiments that Vicki makes everything about her, as she spends the entire car ride talking her mother down from the ledge. Interesting that Briana was preparing for surgery, which will determine if she has cancer, and yet she is calm and focused, while Alexis is having routine sinus surgery accompanied by a full-on meltdown.

Next Week: Briana’s surgery has complications and Vicki comes unhinged. Tamra seems to be avoiding Vicki’s calls.

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are Bridesmaids actress Wendi McLendon-Covey and Vicki. And Miss Piggy! Vicki looks good and still doesn’t see how Brooks’ situation compares to Slave‘s. Whatever. She imparts that Slave was also arrested in February of 2009 – which he was, no matter how much Gretch denies it, like Vicki says, Google! And his mugshot is on the interwebs. Busted, Gretch!

Wendi is hysterically funny. I love her. Andy surprises Vicki by bringing out Miss Piggy, who is furious at Slave for inferring she is unattractive. hehe. Vicki is unexpectedly delighted by Miss Piggy’s arrival on the scene, which was a big let down for Andy who was definitely trying to rile her up. Miss Piggy made some funnies about Slave.

Vicki plays Plead The Fifth with Miss. Piggy and as one of three nice things about Slave, she said he is a good castmate because he’s worked for free for seven season. BUURN! Even Andy cracked up.

Vicki defends her asinine drama queen behavior before Briana‘s surgery by saying she’s a mother. Um, right, which means you should act like one and not be totally insane. The game is OC or N0-C and Vicki has a lot of problems following directions and Andy is frustrated.

The poll question is: Whose side are you on? Vicki or Gretchen? Gretchen wins with 71% and Vicki wants the votes recounted. Andy compares her to Jill Zarin. HA!