Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Champs And Fools

Deep in the middle of Real Housewives of Orange County, it was a beautiful clear night overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It could have been the setting from a movie, but instead it was real-ish life. And from Heather Dubrow‘s palatial lawn stars dotted the sky of what should have been a perfect evening. Sadly, an evil eye had befallen the enchanted party and instead of an evening of friendship, love and celebration – it was one recriminations, accusations, and petty slights.

‘Perhaps the drinks flowed too abundantly?’ Heather thought to herself. ‘Perhaps I was too liberal with the invitations?’ she pondered. But then she remembered, she had sold her soul; let it all slip away and now Bravo owned her – they owned her home, her celebrations, and even her name. Well, at least for next couple years. Oh, well might as well make the best of it. Champs for all!

Last week there were issues over a bow. Some loose ends were left untied and Sarah Winterchester, the faux-heiress (who left her holler for the wilds of Orange County), was being shown the door at this exclusive party. Sarah began to realize the Xanax in her purse was a bad idea (OK, I made that part up). Also a bad idea – letting herself be talked into attending a party where she was out of her element, nervous as hell, and wearing the dress she bought at the adult superstore on Sunset. All in all, mistakes were made and she would suffer for them. One can escape the trailer park, but never really escape the trailer park. Just ask Tamra


Heather calls her coven into the kitchen for a meeting. ‘Sarah’, she announced, ‘you must go. Your apology was insincere and your presence was unwelcome. Plus someone asked what you charged per hour and that’s not what we’re going for at this classy soiree. Bartender – pass me a champs and escort this, ummm… lady? No, person to the door.’

Alexis Bellino rushed over in support – no way was she taking the blame for yet another mishap. Her friend was not being unceremoniously thrown out. Alexis reminds everyone that Sarah is also Gretchen Rossi‘s friend and that Gretchen Rossi is trying to pretend she’s all classy like and above them when she was once a low-budget gold digger too. Slave Smiley intervenes. He’s wearing a turtleneck in preparation for sniffing scotch in the library post party with Dr. Terry Dubrow. There Slave plans to hit him up for a loan. Sadly, he ends up arguing with Alexis in the kitchen and escorting Sarah to the door like the help. The turtleneck did have an eau de bouncer about it, didn’t it.

Poor Sarah becomes unhinged. Gretchen shuffles her to the side of the kitchen, shooting Alexis a glare that kills. Alexis reigns superior, her hair coiffed in the style of a queen, it is not she who will take responsibility for this mess – this time. Oh, Lex…don’t worry… you’ll get your due very soon.

Sarah is dragged kicking, screaming, and sobbing like a child taken from Chuck E. Cheese before redeeming their tickets at the prize counter. “What kind of world do we live in?!” she wails ‘Why can’t a girl with a sugar problem have someone else’s cake and eat it too?!’ There lies the crux of the problem – some bows should only be untied by their owner. And just for the record: Heather‘s cake was seriously generic looking! #refund.

I do think Slave, living up to his name, was very sweet in escorting Sarah “The Uninvited” and her plus one (so an uninvited guest invites another uninvited guest? Quel tacky!) to the door and talking them down. Slave, remembering the times when he was escorted from parties he’d crashed, reminds her that everyone is drunk and will forget it in the morning. Mostly Sarah, who in her stupor was a mess. Poor Sarah – if only her apology had seemed sincere.

Back in the kitchen, Heather instructs the maid to count the silver and take inventory of the crystal… that plus one had a very large purse for an evening affair. And back to the party!

Except this wasn’t really a party but a one big giant therapy session where everyone aired their grievances and had it out. Really, what a mess. Giving crazy people alcohol is always in poor taste. So Vicki Gunvalson has a sit down with her daughter’s surprise new husband! Like a jack in the box, Ryan just popped up – “Surprise! I’m here and I’ve stolen your daughter from you!” Apparently Briana Culberson née Wolfsmith is Vicki’s possession – and Vicki wants her back.

Ryan, not one to be easily bullied – I can see why Briana chose him – puts Vicki right in her place. Ryan sniffs that if Briana is having problems with Vicki, that’s Vicki’s issue – not his. This does not compute to Vicki. Ryan didn’t get the memo – she’s in charge. Of everything and everyone. She’s the mother.

Vicki thinks since she has accepted a fine upstanding man like Ryan, Briana must accept a complete hot mess opportunist like Brooks Ayers. Ryan all but laughs in her face, but talks her down from the edge of cray-cray and agrees he will help her rebuild things with Briana. What’s left unsaid is that Briana is not going to be accepting Sugarmommas R Us anytime soon! And why should she? That loser is blowing through her inheritance… and probably giving her mother STDs.

Is Vicki ever going to remove that mink? By now I feel like it should have a name – it’s practically the seventh Housewife. She does realize she’s going to have to return it like a Blockbuster Video rental, right?

Well, there was just so much drama I don’t know where to turn. Next on the buffet of bizarre, Jim Bellino shows up. Completely unannounced and out of the blue. Just when things are settling down, in he waltzes wearing god knows what – some sort of clown costume hologram vest. It must have been an Alexis Hoeture reject.

Alexis is shocked, but kinda not really. We all know producers showed up at the Bellino rent-a-mcmansion and cut Jim a check for a few thou. They waved his contract in his face which demands all cast members appear at the end of season party and escorted him to the Dubrow manse.

Heather is less than pleased as she scuttles across the lawn, lips pursed, to procure Terry and inform him of the latest unsavory news. Terry is interesting is he not? On one hand I love him – he’s funny and suave, but on the other hand he seems like the kid in high school that the popular kids rejected so now he’s trying to suck up. He stands there and makes a joke about how Jim finally had the balls to show up then he turns around and thanks Jim for coming about 4000 times.

Regardless of what I may think about Jim – and it’s not much – I do think he could mow the lawn with Terry’s teeth. And probably trim the hedges too. Terry is gossiping up a storm with Tamra and the like while Jim cuts him eyes – evil ones.

Terry mentions they should have a sit down, since it’s uuuuhhhh… kinda awkward and the “talk” was in the script. Alexis pipes up that Jim should. Jim silences her by asking who wears the pants in this relationship. I think we all know the answer to that: Bravo.

Jim and Terry go hash out the semantics of phony vs. phoniest person. And then Heather interrupts to try and play off the dramavention in Costa Mexico as an earnest heart to heart between Alexis and herself. Jim is not buying it. Then Tamra, desperate for some camera time, sidles over and plops down. She still has a lot to say to and about the Bellinos – people she allegedly cannot stand that do not matter.

Jim is out. He stands up, walks out, and doesn’t even bother with saying goodbye to his wife. He showed her who wears the cheap polyester rented pants. I just kept focusing on those holograms on the vest… what were they? Roses? Skulls? The man knows how to make an exit. Sure beats a turtleneck.

Alexis, realizing Jim has abandoned her once again, races after him calling his name. She tracks him down peeling out and doing doughnuts on the Dubrow’s front lawn and grabs the door handle begging him to unlock the door. Poor Alexis. Has anyone given her the name of a good divorce attorney yet? Bravo will pay for it if she lets them include it in next season’s storyline.

And finally Tamra Barney will get her time to bask in the drama. As the evening never ends, one more fight is on the horizon and it must come up before the sun. Exactly how long was this party? It felt like it went on for days. Heather beckons everyone for a sit-down to discuss the Jim-exit and they all decide to toast to drama and friendship. Vicki toasts to the empty seat of Alexis and Tamra rolls her eyes.

Unfortunately, Brooks, not accustomed the way of the Housewife and desperate for some camera time of his own, accuses her of shooting “his lady” the “evil eye.” Uhhh… buddy – you’re a day late and a dollar short. That storyline was last season. So an argument erupts between Brooks and Tamra over a supposed evil eye. And really, I was dizzy from all the times they were yelling “evil eye.”

I kept waiting for the producers to whip out that hat from last season; you know the one Gretchen said she needed to wear in front of Tamra. I was surprised Gretch didn’t have it in her Gretchen Christine Handbag. Anyhoodle, Brooks is obviously confused because the evil eye wards off evil, it doesn’t administer it. That doesn’t stop him though, he is a knight in a shining borrowed Mercedes and he’s going to defend his paycheck errrrr… girlfriend’s honor.

Vicki, to her credit, initially seems shocked and confused by what’s unfurling. Tamra jumps up and starts yelling in Brooks‘ face. I think Tammie was itching for a fight all night – was it in her contract? I also think she cares about Vicki as a friend and Brooks is a less than desirable suitor. Vicki tells Eddie to get a hold of Tamra – and thems fightin words. Tamra screams that Vicki needs to relax and that Brooks controls her. And Vicki shrieks that he does not.

Vicki, her omnipresent (and by now pit stained and reeking of BO) mink, and Brooks decide to leave because Tamra has committed the ultimate affront and Vicki will not fight on Heather Dubrow‘s front lawn while wearing her brandnew-ish rented fur. She yanks off her heels and stalks into house with Tamra following her.

They continue screaming at each other. Vicki loses it, accusing Tamra of being disrespectful and a bad friend. Vicki claims she would never treat Eddie like that – which I don’t agree with – and says their friendship is over. Well, that was uhhh… dramatic. They are soul sisters and BFFs no more. When did they become soul sisters again?

Speaking of Soul Sisters – Gretchen gave Tamra a friendship bracelet and they cried and cried about how much they loved and adored each other. Oh how sweet. They are now besties with purpose – to destroy Vicki. They’re “Unbreakable” (nice plug, Gretch). They kiss on the lips to swap lipstick, they rub butts together, they think of each other everyday. Wait… are they friends or lovers? I’m confused. Anyway, cute bracelet.

Waiting for the car, Vicki continues to complain about Tamra. And inside Briana and Tamra are having a heart-to-heart about what a loser Brooks is. He does have FOUR kids that he ditched in Mississippi. Tamra starts crying about her friendship with Vicki being over, except she really just scrunched up her face and dabbed her eyes. No tears came out. I’m not sure if if was botox or really, really bad acting.

Then Heather comes out to persuade Vicki and Brooks back to the party. It didn’t take much, just the promise of a diamond, which Brooks knows he cannot afford. Oh and cake. Who passes up cake? But before Vicki re-enters Tamra‘s lair, she must first debrief Briana.

Briana comes outside, annoyed, and basically breaks it down for Vicki: No one likes or trusts Brooks and she’s obviously a few beads short of a Chanel necklace if she’s willing to risk her friendships and her relationships with her children for this fool. This carless, jobless, grifting fool.

Vicki doesn’t care and basically insists she’s happy. Brooks must have a magic disco stick… and he’s taking Vicki for the ride of her life; literally and metaphorically.

Vicki comes back to the party in time for the champs and baubles toast. Then she interjects to let everyone know she’s happy and they better accept it or back away. Nice job absconding Heather‘s special moment with your own issues, Vicks.

Everyone gets to line up to get the diamonds weighed. One lucky special girl will get a real stone. I’d put up with the fighting at Heather‘s party for a diamond… and all the free champagne.

Lucky Tamra wins the rock… which is disappointing given that she just received an engagement ring. Tamra should have passed that diamond to GretchenSlade can’t afford to buy her one.

And that was it… party/season over. One lucky girl scores two diamonds, and one unlucky girl scores a cubic zirconia imposter whose promises of a full love tank have her temporarily blinded. And one lucky girl gets Slave to reverse his vasectomy. And one lucky lady becomes Mrs. Terry Dubrow for the second time. And one unlucky lady sits alone in her dressing room in a dress not pants, studying Jim‘s glamour shot. She gazes out the window at the night sky and wonders how she was fooled by the promise of sparkle only to rewarded with fake gold.  Maybe she’ll call Vicki and remind her that things that seem too good to be true usually are.

The end.

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