Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Well This Is A Bleeping Mess!

So what was going on last night, Bravo? A word of advice: If you can't air the storyline, then, you know don't air the story. But I suppose that would mean forgoing some major drama and they can't have that, can they?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has made a case for going where no show goes before into the gory, depraved, salacious, and libelous department. And last night was no exception. 

Before we get to the good stuff let's discuss Splits Richards trying to show off that she's the new rich biatch in town. She's giving her 16-year-old, the one who couldn't parallel part last week, a brand new Mercedes coupe. That's the perfect first car to total, amirite! It's apparently because Mauricio is now raking in the dough big time with his new real estate agency. 

Personally, I'm really over the daughter driving story. I mean who is she – a Kardashian? Furthermore, those shorts are too short for a 16-year-old. I guess she's also taking fashion advice from Aunt Paris


Next up, Lisa Vanderpump is advertising her new spinoff SUR. To reel us in with drama, Lisa is forced to chastise a servant who went awry. Now I realize Lisa kept saying "servers" but it sounded like "servants" which kept making me laugh. Servants behaving badly, eh. I'm so jealous I'm not Lisa. 

Said servant got tipsy at work and insulted a big-time agent during a party. That party was reportedly Andy Cohen's book party which was hosted by SUR. And that agent was reportedly Andy Cohen's agent. Anyway, the agent didn't find little servant girl's dismissive attitude appropriate and called her a spoiled brat. 

While Lisa is taking the servant to task, the girl is whining about how the agent was mean to her and Lisa so doesn't care. She dismisses her for the evening back to the dungeon, citing that she's having her friends over and that's enough drama. I think little missy's days are numbahed!

In the middle of errant servants, Lisa is also dealing with her day job or wrangling Real Housewives and her real job of managing Ken. Lisa is hosting a tasting to unveil the new appetizers on the SUR menu. Brandi Glanville calls her in the middle of straightening her hair and I'm pretty sure Brandi is the last remaining Blackberry owner in the history of the world, but anyway.

Brandi is worried that former husband schtupper Scheana Marie will be serving tonight and that will put her off her appetite. Lisa assures her that Sheana is not scheduled, so Brandi is good to go. What Lisa doesn't tell Brandi is that Kyle will be there, along with Taylor Armstrong so she's better off dealing with Scheana. 

Brandi shows up first, followed by Kim Richards, who is busting out of her dress. The surprising news is that Brandi and Kim are giggling and getting along. While Kim is miraculously early, Kyle is late. I'm assuming she had to drive out to the valley (ugh the valley. Please tell me you get that Clueless reference) to pick up Taylor who was rollin with the homies and smacked her head on a chandelier after getting drunk and passing out. 

Anyway, Kyle, Mauricio, and wannabe sister wife Taylor arrive and everyone spends about 3 hours double cheek kissing while the food got cold and I passed out from boredom. 

They all sit down, nosh, and gossip and Kim reveals that there's people in her life that bring her down. She doesn't name Kyle specifically but it was highly inferred and then Kyle asks in a too loud voice: "Is that person sitting at the table?" Kim is a sneaky one isn't she?

Then Kyle gets a text from producers feeding her a cue. She asks Lisa why Adrienne Maloof wasn't invited. Lisa, to her credit, didn't state the obvious that Adrienne is a manipulative twit and she'd rather forego botox for a year than hang out with her, instead saying she's busy. Brandi snarks that Adrienne is working on her book about being the most boring tacky rich person whose ever lived and lucky for her it will only take about six minutes to write. 

And then in the most rehearsed line in reality TV's recorded history, Kyle intones: “So, Brandi – what really went down between you and Adrienne?”

And cue Brandi launching into a huge monologue about how Adrienne is a liar who was harassing her to get on twitter and say mean things about Lisa after last year's reunion. Lisa tut-tuts and no one really says anything (at least according to editing) they just let Brandi ramble. And editing leads us to believe Brandi is talking for eons while everyone else is bored to tears, but I have a feeling that's not what happened in reality, because after all that we have NO CLUE what Brandi was even upset about. Thanks for that Bravo. 

'Basically it was a pillow in place of her uterus. Like, duh!' 

Kim whispers that it's seeming like bashing Adrienne. And then Brandi drops the silent bomb. Apparently she's really, really mad that Adrienne lied about ______________________.

Cue: Collective gasp, pearl clutching, shock, awe, fainting spells, guzzling of wine, running from the table screaming. Yeah, so Adrienne that bitch – I can't believe she lied about the thing that should not be named. Is it Voldemort? Is Adrienne really Voldemort? She must be… 

C'mon we all know it's related to the accusations that Adrienne used a surrogate with her sons. Reportedly she and Paul Nassif don't want people to know and that's why it's a big deal. Camille Grammer used one. Taylor said she wanted to if she had another child. The problem is that apparently Adrienne maintains that she not only carried but birthed her children. 

I don't think Brandi had any business brining it up at a dinner party in mixed company. Want to dish about it with Lisa off camera, fine. In front of known Adrienne friends, on camera, during dessert – not so much. Furthermore, maybe there is a reason Adrienne and Paul don't want this being public knowledge and maybe for whatever reason their children don't know, so keep it that way. Camille has never made any secret of her surrogacy and obviously is fine with the world knowing, but Adrienne played the pillow bump card for nine months and would rather it stay underwraps. So anyway, I think Brandi shouldn't have brought it up. It just came across as mean dirty. 

WE INTERRUPT THIS RECAP FOR A GOSSIP ALERT: Now the alleged reason the word "surrogate" was bleeped out is because Adrienne and Paul took legal action against not only Brandi, but reportedly they are also suing Bravo for defamation and slander. Yikes! 

Because of this Adrienne will not be returning next season and the lawyers won't (can't?) let the actual accusation be aired so Bravo is throwing it in Adrienne's face and airing everything BUT the actual word. This should be an interesting reunion, eh. Brandi and Adrienne have settled their issue, but word is the suit pertaining to Bravo is still on-going! 


So Kim and Kyle recover from their collective shock, stagger to the door clutching their purses and gasping for air because the thing they've all known all along and have never not known was just said ON. CAMERA.

And Kim, still reeling from a state of shock and trying to stay away from addictive substances, reaches out to something just as poisonous for comfort: Taylor. She wonders if Taylor thought Brandi was out of line and that's a no brainer. Taylor is practically jumping with glee because NOW, now there truly is a reason for everyone to hate Brandi and gang up on her something royal. Oh Taylor was so loving this. 

And Brandi – what a social foul. The number one rule of talking shit – make sure your target doesn't get a whiff of where the shit came from. 

And since these people cannot – I mean literally cannot – leave the house without causing a huge embarrassing scene Kyle decides to invite them to Mauricio's big open-house networking event to promote his business. 

Before all that happened, Lisa and the fam escorted Ken to the hospital for surgery. Ken is cracking jokes and being silly, while Lisa is worried witless. Since Giggy couldn't come to the hospital he's there in spirit. Ken has on paw-print socks. Lisa clearly loves Ken so much and adores him. And it's nice and shocking to see her so vulnerable and emotional. Both of their children show up to support Ken and it's so sweet. It was a nice scene of a real family. 

Ken comes out of surgery fine and Lisa is relieved, but it definitely hit a nerve with her. 

Over at Casa de Maloof-Nassif, Paul and Adrienne are pretending to have a family BBQ even though it's the first time they've been in the kitchen all year and there appears to be only one guest but they're making food for 20. They're also serving ice berg lettuce as a salad. Lisa probably felt dizzy watching that scene. 

While everyone else is in swim attire and casual clothes, Adrienne is wearing some sort of negligee looking thing and staring over Paul, guzzling wine, while he rips up lettuce. Paul attempts to work the grill and for a minute I thought they had a full-on grill in their kitchen before I realized their pool house/patio actually just looked like a kitchen complete with marble and granite everywhere. Two seconds into cooking HOT DOGS Paul realizes he has no idea what he's doing and summons the housekeeper while he dives into the pool with the kids. 

Do we need to talk about Paul's hairy back? Do we? Am I crazy for not thinking it wasn't that bad? I guess I'm an animal person. Anyway, Paul has a hairy back and for two people in a super acrimonious divorce a mere months following filming, Paul and Adrienne sure play the happy-ish couple act convincingly!

So back to Mauricio's big party. I'd like to discuss Kyle's outfit. It was HORRIBLE! I mean a caftan and a skin-tight, bandage mini skirt that can only be worn by the likes of Brandi? Seriously? Who is advising this woman in the fashion department? 

Camille arrives first and her new boyfriend, hottie Dimitri, makes his first appearance on film. I don't think he spoke at all and he is reportedly very, very shy. Camille sang him praises instead gushing about how he's such a fabulous cook. And his sausage is 8". Which is a heck of a lot longer than Kelsey's. tee-hee. Anyone else SO tired of the Kelsey has a small member comments? We get it. We got it the first 5 times. If this is the only storyline you're bringing to the table, no wonder she was demoted. 

Brandi arrives next with her BFF and faux-husband for a hot minute after a quickie Vegas wedding, Daren. Mauricio shows Camille a condo he's selling that's faboo and she comments that she'd buy it as a "love nest" maybe. Pretty good showing for the local Beverly Hills real-a-tor, right Camille? 😉

And then everyone else trickles in. Immediately upon their arrival, Kim accosts Adrienne and Paul with a little something important to tell them. She pulls them aside and proceeds to regale them with tales of Brandi's salacious and dastardly gossip. And worst of all, Brandi revealed THIS ____________! Adrienne immediately flips out and starts screeching about  slander and lawsuits and defamation. And Paul is in a tizzy about how Brandi has no right to talk about this family! 

Kim's Revenge: Screw you Kyle and Maurice. I'll teach you not to eff with me… <evil laugh>

How dare Brandi tell everyone __________________ that is totally not true in anyway and therefore everyone is going to get sued over ____________ totally untrue statement that could be easily disproven in a hot minute as completely ridiculous if it actually wasn't true. 

So what do we think: Did Adrienne really and truly tell no one she used a surrogate – allegedly? Did she rock a faux-bump for nine months and then return from the hospital with a baby or did she just want to keep it off TV? Or is there more to the story entirely?

Across the party everyone knows something is going down and they wait and wait and wait for the drama to matriculate over to them. Like watching lava slide down a volcano, you know it's coming. But instead of running they all sit there fretting and have no plan of escape. Le sigh. Amateurs. They need a little Amanda Thorne in their lives. 

Do we think Kim spilled the beans at Maurice's big event on purpose in a little act of defacto retaliation and revenge for all of Kyle's shenanigans; particularly outing her as an alchy on national TV and then discussing her problems? Kim is a crafty one… 

Equally upsetting to Paul and Adrienne is that no one defended them against _____________________ slanderous LIE, among all the other things Brandi said about them. And this is apparently Lisa's fault because she was stirring the pot, according to Paul. And we all know Lisa said as little as anyone else and was smart enough to keep her lips zipped and not add to the gossip. Anyway, Paul believes it's all Lisa's fault. 

After Kim spilled the beans at the very wrong time and very wrong place, Paul and Adrienne storm over to Kyle and tell her they're leaving. It's all because of THAT "bitch" Paul says loudly enough for Brandi to hear and know he is instantly talking about her.

And cue massive, enormous, huge blow up in the middle of the party! Brandi, Paul, and Adrienne are screaming in each other's faces cursing and making accusations left and right! It went like this: "You lied!" "No YOU lied!" "You LIE!" "NO – YOU LIE!" BLEEPEDTY, BLEEP, BLEEPEETED, BLEEP! "Get your finger out of my face!" "YOU get YOUR finger out of my face!" It was like siblings arguing as kids, minus the profanities of course. 

Adrienne was one step away from shoving a Maloof Hoof up Brandi's miraculously small butt. 

And then they start slamming each other's parenting. Brandi swears on her kids that she didn't lie, which I think is the tackiest thing ever in the whole world. Nothing HW-related is important enough to swear on your children. Adrienne claims Brandi sleeps until 3 pm and lets her kids fend for themselves cause she's a drunken party girl. Brandi accuses Adrienne of ignoring her kids and not spending any time with them.

Kyle intervenes to get them OUT of the party before things start getting thrown or something. Adrienne and Paul storm off and on their way out let Kyle know that Brandi is a "crack pot" and a pill popping drug addict who drinks too much. Yikes – now that's some kinda slander, girlie! 

And that's the end of that. 

'Why can't IIIIII be the center of attention?! Look at me! Yelling makes me sad unless I'm doing it!' 

My favorite part: In the middle of all the fighting Taylor starts trying to make it about her and seek some attention. Putting her head in her hands, trembling, acting all afraid, commenting that this kind of anger gives her flashbacks and makes her nervous. Was she serious? Is she seriously THAT desperate for attention and camera time? Rhetorical question. Her attention seeking ploy was as transparent as her shirt.

I'm sure Yolanda Foster was very happy she missed this. Although I have to wonder what would Yolanda say or do had she been there? In fact I think that's going to be my new RHOBH mantra: WWYD? She probably would have left immediately, gone home to sit in her lovely, immaculate fridge and decompress after the horrible event while sipping fresh squeezed pomegranate juice mixed with the blood of innocents. Cold supposedly does wonders for anti-aging.