Vanderpump Rules Recap: Battle Of The Manly Men!


Last night on Vanderpump Rules the battle for Stassi Schroeder's corroded heart continued. And it involved men brawling in the parking lot, thrown drinks, and lots of tears. Was I the only one laughing?

So Stassi is corralling her two best friends Kristen Doute and Katie Maloney (who finally got some airtime this week!) to go to Vegas for her 24th birthday. It's a tradition that every year on the eve of the most illustrious birthday of the year – almost more important that Baby Jesus' – Stassi begins her annual trek to the holy land. The mecca of debauchery, inappropriately abused sequins, and liquid splendor. And all hail queen Stassi of the golden hair and orange tan cause she is the chosen one. That's what she tells herself anyway. I'm still surprised she can find two people willing to vacation with her. 

Apparently Stassi has A-List friends and B-List friends, all of whom are employees at Sur per her contract with Bravo and first she invites the A-Listers so they can be sure to waste their vacation days on her and get off work. Then when she's positive the B-Listers won't be able to score time off she pity invites them and then laughs when they feel bad declining. More champagne for her!


This year Staaaaasi is also hauling her second tier bartender boyfriend along. Yes, Frank, he of the Jax Taylor slandering will be toted out to make Jax jealous. She's still dining out on the woe-is-me tale of Jax getting a girl, no stripper, no PORN STAR preggers last time he vacationed in Vegas. That story does not make sense for one reason and one reason alone: Stassi would never let Jax go to Vegas unsupervised!

Anyway, Jax denies it and Peter, manager of people and places extraordinaire, decides to put himself on the case of exonerating Jax. #screentime. 

Stassi's friends, all of whom seem to love Jax a helluva lot more than they love her, are not thrilled about being forced to vacation with both her and Frank so Katie is dispatched to sit her down with a beer and inform her that Frank is like so D-List. Stassi gets mad cause like everyone just better do what she says or else! I think Stassi read too many Betty and Veronica comic books as a kid and fancies herself Veronica, Queen Bee if you will, of all things Sur. Or maybe she just can't let go of her Lila Fowler fantasies. Whatever – she's pissed that no one is letting her insta-replace Jax. 

Stassi and Frank ride in a separate car to Vegas for the express purposes of complaining about Kristen and Katie. And in Kristen and Katie's charriot they complain about Stassi and Frank. I nodded off into a coma only revived by the scent of Chardonnay being passed under my nose. Oh this show. They make me feel old. I can only enjoy bad television if most of the main characters are in the possession of cellulite (see: Real Housewives). 

Upon arriving in Vegas, Jax has left his mark – flowers. Stassi is pissed. She's about to get a whole lot more pissed because in a big ol' hummer or something Jax, Toms 1 & 2, plus Peter are headed her way. Surprise! 

After a few tequila shots Jax confesses to Peter that yes, he impregnated a girl in Vegas, but it was circa 3 B.S. (Before Stassi). The child, well, Jax isn't sure what happened to it. He may have lost it during his last Abercrombie shoot in 2010. Or well, he's not sure but the girl told him he was the father. Anyway then he passes out and everyone attends Stassi's birthday Chippendales and Dinner. 

At Chippendales Frank forgets that he's supposed to be playing the part of Stassi's boyfriend of the moment and gets a little overly eager about the shirtless male gyrators. And Peter, well he's confused for one of the dancers enjoying the show from the audience during his off day. He denies ever being a stripper. We do not believe him. 

Over dinner, Jax comes to in a blur of tequila and pungent memories. Then he comes crashing into the restaurant to claim his girl. Me Jax. You Stassi. Me Want Girl! I was too distracted by Jax's bizarre sweater get-up. Was he really shirtless underneath? Did it itch? Did he just lose the rest of his suitcase?

Whatever the case in the meantime one of the Toms – the one belonging to Katie – calls Stassi a bitch. Someone's hypnosis wore off! Stassi retaliates by throwing a drink. Hair is pulled, more drinks are thrown, storming out and sobbing occurs. 


It's raining men! 

Jax is hauled out. From somewhere Frank's hideous blue button down was soaked with drink. Tom belonging to Kristen yanks off his shirt and tries to fight Frank. I can't take Frank seriously because that shirt is so amateur. Was he a Jersey Shore extra reject? I really can't take any of these men seriously a) because of what they're wearing (Tom 1's splatter jeans?!?!) and b) they are fighting over Stassi! Heaven help them all. 

The Toms, Jax, The K-girls all take off in Stassi's Hummer limo. Frank (now shirtless) and a man take off in a cab. And Stassi, she's left with the check at the restaurant. Everyone forgot Princess Stassi. The nerve. Off with their heads!

The next day the Toms and the K's wake up and start passing drinks back and forth?! Good god – how do they stay so thin with the amount they drink?! And Stassi is downstairs with her B-Listers who have driven through the night after getting off at Sur at 3am to rescue her from her abusive and insubordinate friends. Stassi is regaling them with sudden importance as she holds court at the iHop Buffet and tells them they are her true friends. Peter, acting as a spy joins them, and remains silent for the duration of the meal. 

Kristen sends a text suggesting that they talk and Stassi retaliates by sending a picture text of her enjoying breakfast and mimosas with her new friends. "Replaced" read the caption. Both K's cry. Katie is so upset she is forced to call Lisa Vanderpump, home in cushy fabulous land to regale her with the latest drama. Lisa, busy watching Pandora's wedding video in her home theater surrounded by a mass of pomeranians, does not care and hangs up. 'Plebeians,' she muses. 'Ken – more tea, please. And I need a spot of Pimms.' 

Oh Jax goes home. Frank goes too. Or that's what he tells Stassi at least. Poor Jax – so pretty, so dumb. I hope the sweater was damaged beyond repair in the fluffy-fight. Girly men do not do bar fights well. It damages their tan and irritates their waxed parts. 

The next night is Stassi's official birthday celebration. Her real friends decide to come and wish her a happy birthday out of well, friendship. She rebuffs them and tells them they are ruining her party. Do not upstage her sparkly romper. Why no one gave her a crown confuses me. 

Kristen and Katie and a Tom or two go cry in the lobby until the producers forced Stassi outside. She plops down and demands her apology. "Where is it?! And my present?" Instead they want to offer a discussion. Stassi doesn't want it since they don't sell it at Tiffany's and it doesn't come wrapped in Robin's Egg Blue. 'You ruined my party. My weekend. My town. My life. I hate you! You suck! Guards – banish them!' she screams instead. 

Katie says Stassi only wants to be around people who do whatever she wants and think she is God. It took Katie two years to come to this conclusion about her "best friend"? Brains are not Katie's strong suit are they? It's Stassi's party and she'll cry if she wants to! 

Stassi goes back inside to dance the night away and the Ks plus Toms, well they vanish into thin air and head home to LA. They're still squarely Team Jax. And Stassi, faced with no alliances and on suspension from Sur, well she's forced to buddy up to Scheana Marie

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