Growing up is sooooo hard to do. Especially when you're a 32-year-old male model perfecting the dilettante lifestyle. Such is the case of Jax Taylor, who everyday listens to Rod Stewart's anthem "Forever Young" on his iPod while slicing lime twists for the perfect cocktail. But alas fair Jax – everyone has a moment when they wake up Maggie Mae.
Worst of all is that Jax let his people down. His followers, ready to decamp in the jungle without their eyeliner for him, were crestfallen.
In the tangled web of Vanderpump Rules, Jax is trying to rekindle his relationship with Stassi Schroeder and to do that he's taking their dog shopping. Stassi wants all remnants of that flea Laura-Leigh exterminated. Over talk of new leashes, Stassi then turns her laser devil eyes on Jax and he is forced to beg and plead with her not to exterminate him as well.
Stassi and Jax, the endless tale of emotional f**kwittism. Is buying a new dog accessory some sort of break-up rite of passage now?
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Back at SUR something truly momentous is happening. Someone is making it out of that cesspool alive! And it's Laura-Leigh Crazy Pants, lover of bathroom sexytimes! LL bounces over to Lisa Vanderpump and has a grand announcement – she is blowing this popsicle stand like right. now. It seems LL has landed a part in a big ol' movie with Jennifer Aniston!
And it's true, she did! Behold: IMDB.
Somewhere, Stassi is frozen solid in disbelief. Quick – throw water on her so she melts! Good for Laura-Leigh, how's that for the sweet success of revenge. She'll get to hang out with some A-Listers and Jax and Stassi… well they get each other!
Stassi's overt glee makes Kristen le sads. She used to be able to share in Stassi's glee, but now they are bitter enemies. Two icebergs adrift at sea. But they used to be best friends. I thought Katie Maloney was Stassi's BFF? Someone is playing both sides of the coin and telling everyone what they want to hear, right Stassi!
Kristen and Stassi chat. Stassi denies any responsibility for her actions and says Kristen was mean and she had every right to be schtupping Frank. I wasn't listening. When Stassi talks I hear whiny music playing. She is so Molly Ringwald's character from The Breakfast Club. I'm setting up a tear collector on her cheeks, then I'm selling them as the new SUR signature drink, Tearstini Of My Delusions.
Furthermore, why does Kristen want to be friends with Stassi so badly? Best friends don't emotionally manipulate you!
I hope they didn't leave behind any self-tanner skidmarks!
Then comes a little VPR photo shoot. Channeling Maxim Magazine (and possibly Playgirl) Lisa has her staff strip down, drape themselves in high-class costume jewelry, stuff socks in their speedos and get their photos taken for the annual SUR Constant Contact blast about why you should be dining there. Hint: It's not the food! Why do I imagine if they were a far less classy place their motto would be "The Best Sausages In Town" with a close-up of Jax's sock-stuffed speedo?
I can't believe Lisa let those little Pump Rules twits into her pristine closet…. Not enough disinfectant in the land! They try on jewelry and then Lisa commandeers Little Missy Schroeder to call her out on some BS.
Stassi brought Frank to Villa Blanca for dinner after they had technically broken up and she was back with Jax. Lisa has TWO problems with this 1) it's immature and ridiculous to be involving your personal life with her business. 2) Lisa had just fired Frank and that's giving her a case of the awks.
Stassi is like oh, 'Haha – who cares about YOU Lisa. It's all about ME and like I just don't care. Can I have that tiara, I know you don't wear it?' She confesses to Jax, who sulks over the news of Frank. "Don't be a moody mermaid," she demands. Doesn't she mean "moody merMAN"?
BFF! Until next time you disagree with me!
Then there is a girls only shoot where they all dress up dominatrix-style and Stassi kisses new BFF Scheana Marie. Apparently they are the same person, which means Stassi is a homewrecking whore too?
Scheana Marie apologizes to Lisa for her whiny fit last week and says Brandi Glanville not forgiving her is like ruining her life. How is she ever going to become the next Britney Spears if Brandi won't even like let her love her? Lisa is like, 'Oh I know, it's hard but you're such a good little waitress so don't worry about that pop star nonsense. Now off you go to polish the silverware!'
Jax went to therapy because he never tells anyone the truth about his life. Then he lies to his therapist about cheating on Stassi and getting some floozy pregnant. I had heard she was a stripper. No a prostitute, but apparently she only worked in a bar like all the other women in his life. He doesn't branch out much. Oh, and here's the big shocker: his real name isn't even Jax – it's Jason! I so cannot believe Jax isn't his real name. The other shocker, Einstein never even graduated from college. Well I about dead fainted on the floor… from laughing too hard!
There's some wrap party for the photo shoot and Jax arrives with a bush of flowers. He carried them over to Lisa, who looked amused, then asked to talk to her.
Jax tells her SUR is ruining his life and he needs to quit. Lisa about bursts out laughing and reminds him that last week when she thought about firing him he was begging her for his job saying it meant the world to him. And last week when he was humping LL in the bathroom he had forgotten about Stassi who is now the love of his life. Jax is like, 'NO! Stop confusing me with your logic! I had a script rehearsed. I'm quitting. I'm a male model dammit, not a bartender!' Lisa is like 'Ok. Bye! Are those for me?' gesturing to the flowers. He snatches them back and goes off to find Stassi.
And poor Stassi. Oh my, my what an upcommance child. I could almost feel bad. Jax admits that he lied to her. He did in fact cheat in Vegas when they were in a bad spot and he was feeling petulant. And he lied to everyone else about it as well. OH! And maybe he did get the little hussy prego – at least that's what she told him when she asked him to send her money to take care of a situation.
HAS THE MAN EVER HEARD OF A CONDOM?
Stassi cried and cried – #tearcatcher – and I was massively impressed that her eye make-up stayed mostly intact. She must use Wet-N-Wild. True to form, Little Kyle Richards Jr made it all about her wailing about how she never did anything to deserve that.
Jax lumbers out to tell the rest of the group about his indiscretion. He starts to cry and they all follow him out back like he's the pied piper of the lost and drunk.
I call this "Crushed Dreams"
Yes, for the rest of the gang a came a little moment that Bravo kept advertising as "VanderShocked" (was anyone shocked? Not me!). It was the saddest day ever when they learned their token icon, the figure for which the earth orbited, the ultimate ladies man, the mantra for being you, wasn't really anyone at all but a lame, insecure chump living a lie and telling the ladies what they want to hear to get in their pants.
Oh Jason… you have so let the yearning manly men down. 'But… I always wanted to be just like you Jax,' Tom 1 bemoaned, tears in his eyes and beginning to slide down his unblemished bronzered cheeks. 'Jax – is that even your name? Why did you shatter our delusion? I have nothing…' Tom 2 wailed, wiping his eyes on his skintight artfully tattered t-shirt.
Lisa gives Stassi a little pep-talk and tut-tuts that she's better off without him. With that mess gone she hopes people actually start doing their jobs around here, but what fun would that be.
All will be discussed, rehashed, and dismantled on the reunion. We all know they're still friends again however.
TELL US – ARE YOU SURPRISED JAX LIED AND CHEATED? DID YOU BELIEVE HIS NAME WAS JAX? DID STASSI DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?