Vanderpump Rules has found itself at a crosshairs. Last night I witnessed Jax Taylor and Katie Maloney behave like mature-ish adults as they attempted to set some reasonable boundaries with Kristen Doute and Brian Carter about how their toxic codependency is affecting everyone else’s lives.
I mean I know Jax was just cosplaying the dad from Family Ties because he’s about to be a married
adulterer adulter soon, but this show is not supposed to be about capable adults acting accordingly. Vanderpump Rules is supposed to be about drunken, unhinged twenty-somethings who screw, scheme, and cry their way through terrible choices and still emerge with flawless skin.
On that vein, absolutely nobody cares about Jax’s wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Brittany sincerely believes everyone is as invested in her bridal registry and knot.com page as she is. Also this wedding that she’s planning has absolutely nothing to do with Jax, who might as well be a rent-a-fiance from some Hallmark Movie about proving to your judgmental small town relatives that you’re not an unmarriageable career woman, repugnant to blandly attractive men in tight sweaters. This wedding is about Brittany living out her fantasy, and her friends would rather let her merry hijack them than Kristen’s misery. I don’t blame them!
Last night was the season 8 premiere of Vanderpump Rules, and honestly EIGHT YEARS. EIGHT YEARS! You’d think these people would’ve grown up some, but alas here they are, still filling squirt guns with tequila and fighting about who’s a bad friend.
For many a’seasons I’ve been saying it’s high time for a cast change; one which acknowledges and reflects that the OGs are, well, missing the natural collagen in their faces and therefore no longer eligible to play the role of struggling bartender straight off the bus from St. Louis. Last night Vanderpump Rules finally paid credence to that, and it almost felt as if we were going into this season with the realization that it would be the last for the original crew. I’ll wear sequins to their funeral, play Solid Gold in downtempo, and drink PumpTinis with the rims salted with dehydrated tears.
Waiting for new Vanderpump Rules episodes is killing me. Is it January 7 yet? Unfortunately, it is not. However, fans can fill the void by watching Pump Rules repeats and by reading Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix’s new book. And by “reading,” I mean trying out every single drink recipe and making some questionable decisions after. Tom and Ariana even included some hangover remedies in the book, so they really do provide you with everything you need.
Yes, the cocktail book that the couple argued about a few seasons ago is finally here. Fancy AF Cocktails: Drink Recipes from a Couple of Professional Drinkers is the perfect gift for your fun friends… or yourself, which is actually also a gift to others if you make a batch of cocktails from Tom and Ariana’s recipes. The duo has been all over the country promoting their book and it all culminated with last night’s launch party at Skybar at Mondrian Los Angeles.
It’s official, Vanderpump Rules fans– Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor are hitched! The couple made it official on June 29 and got married at the Kentucky Castle. Nearly every Pumps Rules star was at the wedding. Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval performed “best men” duties, while Lala’s fiancé, Randall Emmett, and SUR manager Peter Madrigal stood up for Jax. Katie Maloney attended Brittany as her matron of honor. Lala Kent, Ariana Madix, Scheana Marie, Stassi Schroeder and Kristin Doute served as members of the bridal party. Other Bravo guests included former Summer House stars Stephen McGee and Lauren Wirkus and Southern Charm star Shep Rose.
John Legend and his wife, Chrissy Teigen, are such fans of the show that they were invited to the wedding. Alas, the superstars didn’t attend. Can you imagine if they had been there, and John serenaded the couple at their reception?
Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Cauchi. Cauchi is Jax Taylor’s actual last name in case anyone forgot. And, yes, Jax and Brittany Cartwright tied the knot during a weekend-long extravaganza in a Kentucky castle.
Every single Vanderpump Rules cast member was a part of the wedding. Well, except for James Kennedy, Raquel Leviss, and Billie Lee, who were not invited, obviously. Other than that, Kentucky was full of Bravolebrities.
LA Pride has become a staple on each Vanderpump Rules season. Every year, Lisa Vanderpump and the rest of the cast members go all out for Pride. Every single one of them gets in on the celebration.
And, for the most part, they all dress up in some festive outfits, especially the ladies. And Tom Sandoval, of course. He always comes through for a thematic event and Pride is no exception.
Since Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz’s joint bachelor/bachelorette party went so well, the Vanderpump Rules cast decided to apply the same concept in honor of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s big day. In case you didn’t detect my sarcasm, or if you’re a new viewer, Tom and Katie’s party was a complete and total shit show.
Yes, in a fun way, but also in a cringe-worthy way, i.e. the arguments. It was rough to see Tom and Katie arguing just before they tied the knot. Who could ever forget Tom Sandoval dressed in drag yelling about how Schwartz is a “battered wife”? Let’s hope that Jax and Brittany’s joint party was not reminiscent of Tom and Katie’s trip.
Whew – we have crossed the finish line with season 7 of Vanderpump Rules and I am here to report that this reunion did not need to be 3 parts. There – recap done!
OK, kidding. I actually felt there were some illuminating moments. Like the glimpse of Katie Maloney‘s hubris. Wowee-wow-WOW. Katie literally always sees herself as the victim. She blames James Kennedy for the internet hating her but the internet rightfully hated Katie long before her antics this season! As Tom 1 never really got a chance to say courtesy of James’ interrupitis – a germ passed from Kristen Doute – Katie has been a rancid bottle of ranch dressing since season 1. Katie’s OWN putrid behavior is the reason the Twitterverse rails on her – it has nothing to do with James or her weight (or her husband’s manhood – how is that not also body shaming?). Let’s just say Katie is giving marriage, ranch dressing, the internet, and humanity a bad name. Oh, and also clothing.