Last night Vanderpump Rules crossed over with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and met their match with drunken shenanigans – almost. 

I have to say Jax Taylor was on fire last night with his one-liners. Is the dumb male model thing an act? Nah… I think Lisa Vanderpump was feeding him lines. 

Lisa tasks a select bunch of SURvians with hosting a very special elite dinner party filled with important guests. I don’t know why she was acting like the over-botoxed trashboxes of RHOBH are anyone special, but I guess she gets paid to act accordingly. 

The specialtons are Stassi Schroeder, Jax, Tom 1, Ariana, and Katie Maloney. Peter Madrigal gets to play the role of hot overlord. OK – so he’s the manager, aka adult babysitter. 

Working with your friends is fun – except when your friends don’t act like friends! Tom is all pissy-panties that Jax has been spreading rumors that he hooked up with Ariana in Vegas three years ago. Tom complains that Jax gossips and lies about his friends but then apologies. Basically Jax is male version of Stassi then?


Ariana astutely identifies Jax as an idiot, but says he makes for good entertainment. Not making for good entertainment is Kristen Doute, who is sipping on Stassi’s psycho juice. 

Kristen has been stalking Tom 1‘s phone again and discovered he has been calling Ariana. Naturally she sceenshotted the evidence and is planning to confront him. At work. While she’s been drinking. Meanwhile Katie and Tom are arguing with Jax about starting the Tom/Ariana hookup rumor. 

According to lore they hooked-up at a music festival behind the port-a-potty. Nothing says sexytimes like the smell of stale poop in a field. They may or may not have hooked up in Vegas three years ago as well. Jax blames Katie’s drunken mouth for starting the rumor. When Tom asks Jax about it he claims the girls all hate him and are trying to pin the blame on him, but he’s innocent.

Does anyone at SUR tell the truth? Peter does. Peter is an angel, he descends from the ceiling with a halo made of champagne glasses, crying tears of rose. Peter would never take a girl behind the port-a-potty. 

My ramble aside, Kristen turns up to berate Tom while he’s on his break. He denies all of it and then begs Kristen to either be with him or not. I think Tom is crushing on Ariana, but I don’t think she would be stupid enough to hookup with him with the coven of crazies lurking over her.

I also think Tom should dump Kristen. She is so gonna stab him in his sleep with a Pier One Imports fondue skewer. I predict she and Stassi end up in the clink together for boyfriend murder at some point. Orange is the new Sur Uniform, kids! 

Lisa instructs Peter to keep Kristen out of the garden during the dinner party because she doesn’t want any drama. Of course on the night of the event Kristen pays a little visit to Katie’s where she guzzles wine and gets her tarot cards read by Katie. If there’s anything stupider than the way Kristen behaves, it’s entrusting her future to the predictions of Katie’s tarot card reading. 

Stassi reveals that in the course of speaking to Scheana, she volunteered that Tom and Ariana did not hookup in Vegas. Stassi’s little suspicion devil horns shoot up (I’m pretty sure you can buy them at Zara). “I never asked her if they hooked up in Vegas!” This leads everyone to believe something did happen. 

Making it worse, the tarot cards basically tell Kristen her life sucks. She leaves in a flood of tears and shows up at SUR in the throes of hysterics. Peter warns her that she needs to get it together and do her job. He is patient and reassuring and then lets her have a break to compose herself. 

Kristen goes out back to sob hysterically in front of the dumpster over the fact that Tom 1 and Ariana hooked up behind the port-a-potty. Oh sweet irony, how I do love thee. 

Peter pries Kristen off the ground, rights her up, Weekend At Bernie’s style and shoves her into the restaurant. Tear-soaked crispy chicken, anyone?!


Meanwhile, in the garden of evil, Brandi Glanville is on her 13th cocktail and ordering a steak with no meat and mozzarella, not parm, and sauce made of Yak blood and brussel sprouts shaved bald Brazilian-style, and cat whiskers charred with snowflake oil. Stassi is annoyed and decides to serve her leftovers pulled from the trashcan. 

Stassi and Kristen muse about the idiosyncrasies of rich people – and Brandi. Stassi says she’s gonna steal their purses as revenge. As things get crazier between Brandi, Joyce Giraud, and Michael-Shrek, the SUR staff is riveted. Jax describes the situation as, “A bunch of drunk rich people arguing. Like a drunk United Nations.” And true – it was. And since no one’s face actually moves the yelling is the only sign they’re angry. 

“This is why I date poor people,” Stassi quips. Oh girl… the poor people you hang out with are just as crazy. Case in point, Kristen!  

Stassi impersonates Michael and as Lauren put it, “does a mean Meatloaf impression.” She’s euphoric about the possibility of someone quite literally being stabbed with a diamond – she can grab their purse at that moment. If Joyce pulls a diamond-studded dagger out of her purse I would bow down eternally! 

While things are crazy outside, they’re about to get crazier inside!  Jax thought Joyce was LaToya Jackson and he lets it slip that Tom 1 and Ariana are bartending together. Cue Krazy Kristen

She tries to barge into the party before Stassi stops her and makes Tom come out to speak with her. They again argue about the Ariana nonsense. Finally Stassi warns Lisa that there’s trouble with Kristen out back. Lisa leaves one insane situation for another. Outside, in her haven near the dumpster, Kristen is again hysterical. 

Kristen starts yelling at Lisa for allowing Tom 1 and Ariana to tend bar together. “I don’t want them working together!” she shrieks AT HER BOSS. Lisa reminds her they’ve worked together at HER bars for over 2 years – and . And furthermore, what happens in everyone’s personal life is not going to dictate how Lisa staffs her establishments.

Lisa urges Kristen to talk to Tom and Ariana and reevaluate her relationship. Lisa way too tolerant and patient. Kristen needs the definition of the word “employee” and also “employment”. 


Outside, Ariana and Scheana talk to Kristen. Again, Ariana denies hooking up with Tom. She also points out that she is not responsible for the problems Kristen has in her relationship. 

Kristen chokes back tears and gasps that Tom has cheated on her 3 times. Stassi smirks as Ariana is like yeah, you should probably not be with him if you can’t trust him. According to Stass, “Kristen will never breakup with Tom. She could catch him with his penis in another girl’s vagina and she would be like, but we share a mobile plan.” 

Stassi is right – Kristen is forever bound to Tom 1 and his cell phone. 

PS – who think Jax and Brandi belong together on Planet Trash?

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