Vanderpump Rules Recap: You Cheat, I Cheat, We All Cheat!

katie maloney learns of tom schwartz's cheating

Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.

Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!

In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!


While Motorboatie was still reeling from Jax telling the world she motorboated and made out, he was also telling Kristen Doute that Tom 2 had an indiscretion or two of his own! Kristen, I’m calling her Kritter now, has decided it’s not fair that errrrrbody is cheating yet she’s the one being labeled the Unforgiven. She will no longer waltz around SUR with the scarlet letter, so she’s decided to do what normal people do and try to make amends. Except it’s all fake. 

Kristen tells Scheana Marie Almost Famous, over cups of coffee in “Queen Of Delusion Everything” mugs, that she feels like everyone should know the truth about Katie and Tom 2. Scheana wide-eyed and feigning shock (did she superglue her eyelids open using her eyelashes?), agrees. Yes, the truth must come out! For Katie’s sake. For preserving honesty. And furthermore, Kristen believes Katie, who was once her super-bestie will never forgive her so long as Stassi Schroeder hates her. Everyone knows Katie is Stassi’s No. 1 Bitch, but Kristen and Katie were such gooooood friends they got Frozen lyric tattoos “Let It GO!” Tattoos are like Kristen’s version of exchanging numbers – that’s how she reels you in to her trap! Do not engage. Do not feed the beast!  

stassi schroeder and kristen doute meet to discuss tom schwartz cheating

Stassi agrees to meet with Kristen. For some reason she wears a sweater that looks like a Jiffy Pop bag. Kristen’s all like, ‘Sorry I did a zillion bad things but I’m not the only horrible person. Scheana told me Tom 2 made out with her friend. Tom 2 also slept with Jax’s girlfriend’s best friend in Vegas.” Stassi is like Ummmm… consider the sources: Jax hates Katie and wants Tom 2 all to himself. And Scheana hates me, they both want to destroy Katie and take her down. Do people care about Katie that much? Apparently so – just not people named Tom 2. However, Stassi certainly got sucked up into Kristen’s drama vortex right quick! The power of the Doute to make you Doute yourself! 

Stassi tells Katie who gets super upset. Kristen confronts Jax to verify that his story is true, but Jax suddenly can’t remember telling Kristen that Tom 2 slept with a girl in Vegas. Oops. Funny how that works! Seriously – are Jax and Kristen soul mates or what?! I’m telling you – when they get married, and I officiate their wedding as a thank you for pointing them in the true direction of love, you’ll all be agreeing they were soul mates. But for now, they are just mates caught in a lie. Liarbies? This is a toughie – which liar is the better liar to believe: Kritter or Jax? 

At SUR, Motoboatie is having an emotional breakdown and needs to leave early. Peter Madrigal must have a flow chart of whose having what breakdown on what day of what week, taking into account integers for PMS, steroid shots, botox schedules, and which person is sleeping with whom. I hope Lisa pays him handsomely. 😉 

Outside Katie tells Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Bitch 1 all about the lore of Tom 2‘s peen. Then Tom 2 arrives –  of course he drives a Mini Cooper – he’s so precious! Katie confronts him about making out with Scheana’s friend and sleeping with Jax’s girlfriend’s friend. Tom 2, bad reality star that he is, confesses immediately to making out.

Which brings me to a curious question: Why do all the Toms cheat with Scheana’s friends. What is going on in Circle-de-Scheana? Twats of a feather, stick together, eh!? I mean Scheana knows how to play the home-wrecking game. 

tom schwartz comforts Katie maloney after revealing that he cheated

Katie cries – Tom 2 won’t even kiss her in public, yet he’s making out with Scheana’s friends. Then Jax comes out to make it worse. It turns out that although he would have LOVED to see Tom 2 cheating on Katie so they’d break-up, he never actually saw it and he doesn’t know for sure it happened. As for Scheana, she definitely saw the make out but didn’t tell Katie, because Oops! Slipped her mind while Katie was being a bitch to her for over a thousand years. I always think Scheana’s stupid, but she’s got mad shade. She laughs at how she’s planning her wedding, while Katie… immmm… really honey? You and Tom 2 getting married… Jax and Kritter are walking down the aisle first. 

Tom 2 is pissed at Jax, but not really pissed, more like why’d you do that buddy? Katie and Tom 2 stay up all night, stroking their dog’s ears, and talking through their relationship – does he love her? Would he get a tattoo for her? No, but he’d split half of a Best Friends Broken Heart necklace from Claire’s Boutique! 

Then Tom 2 confronts Jax. Jax’s angel wings droop, his halo sags, yeah – he made the whole thing up about Tom 2 having sex, because he wants him to dump Katie to be happy and free. Look how happy Tom 1 and Jax are now that they’ve ditched the twisted toxic sisters of SUR?!  Although Jax really screwed Tom 2 over, he forgives him – cause brothers from another mother! These two should just move in together like Ernie and Bert – Tom 2 so has a paperclip collection. Jax collects rubbers instead of rubber duckies, however. 

tom schwartz, tom sandoval, and jax taylor at PUMP

Over at PUMP to Tray Pass, Tom 2 tells Tom 1 about Jax’s lie. Tom 1 is confused, but not surprised: That’s just Jax! Then they all change together, like a lockeroom scene from an 80’s teen movie, into tight pink polos. Jax is stealing champagne and dropping things until Lisa says he’s making her look like an ass and she puts on her special stern angry voice. 

Meanwhile, at Katie’s, Stassi and Kristina are there to discuss Tom 2‘s cheating. Now I never pay Kristina any mind – she literally is so anonymous – but she says one thing that makes very good sense; she says that somehow she believes the story of Tom 2 making out will eventually evolve into Tom 2 having sex. Meaning everyone is saying he just made out for now, but eventually the truth will emerge that he did more.

Stassi wants Katie to stand-up for herself which that includes demanding Tom 2 ditch Jax out of respect for his girlfriend. And right on cue, Tom 2 walks in with a bouquet of supermarket flowers – has he learned nothing from LVP? Supermarket flowers are no way to save a relationship!

And next week the craziness that is Kritter returns as she continues to stalk Tom 1 and Ariana – I cannot wait!! 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]