So Brandi’s house, let’s be honest: girl had it staged for the sake of this party. You know her real furniture consists of futons, plastic stacking chairs, a beerpong table, a keg-o-rator with Red Solo Cup dispenser, and jungle juice on tap. On Brandi’s Netflix Animal House, followed by Thelma & Louise are her most viewed selections. Outside there’s a sign that reads, “When you’re here, you’re home!”
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Kyle clatters around her dressing room, discussing her personal problems with Portia, aged 5 (seems fitting, right?!). Which Lisa should Kyle suck up to more: VP or Lips? Will Rambles ever get her act together? Is Mauricio going to stop putting turkey sandwiches in the dryer thinking it’s Tupperware? Even Portia looks bored – which explains how Kyle ended up wearing a dress that looks like swimming pool liner/figure skating costume (did you see the illusion netting?!).
Brandi wanders around in various states of duress and undress – just like every other time Brandi encounters a party. Her plan is to get naked wasted so if anything goes wrong she doesn’t remember – “like blackout sex!” Which explains why she’s wearing a dress with no top. Her name was Boozdi, she was a showgirl, whiskey in her hair, nipple flashing everywhere… Yolanda Foster follows Brandi around the party with double-stick tape, tsk, tsking: “But Braaaaandi, your boobies they are – how you say? – showing with your father present.”
Lisa Vanderpump showed-up unexpectedly so Brandi promptly forgot every single other person at the party and followed Lisa around like a low-rent Giggy. “You love me,” she kept saying, trying to make Lisa say it back; trying to put words in Lisa’s mouth when she should have just put a drink in Lisa’s hand. “She loves me,” Brandi informed Leeza Gibbons (huh? Random!). Lisa responded, “No she doesn’t.” Brandi – channel the swans, be a swan! Keep your furry diaper bottom at a distance so Lisa will chase you – don’t be a lapdog; Lisa has a zillion of them in all colors and sparkles and she needn’t add to the collection!
Brandi is confused why Lisa came. She’s only been begging Lisa, so be happy she graced you with her presence! But then Brandi wouldn’t be able to complain that Lisa snubs her… Lisa admits she’s being the bigger person, to prove she isn’t dragging out the negativity. And being the bigger person – with calculations (and wine!) – is how you checkmate a bitch!
Kyle and Yolanda sit on the sidelines, Kyle with a scrunch-face, annoyed that Lisa wasn’t stupid enough to make herself look petty by not coming.
Brandi parades Lisa all around the party, breathlessly introducing Lisa to her parents all the while Lisa was bemusedly side-eying Brandi’s boobs popping out of her dress. Lisa joked with Brandi’s parents, who were all too ready to take Lisa’s side as Brandi’s sweet mama explained Brandi has always been mean with a mouth. Lisa joked that she blames the parents and Brandi’s mom looked crestfallen. I know Lisa was joking, but it was a joke that hit too close to home and I really feel bad for Brandi’s parents. They seem nice, sweet, normal, and confused about how they got swept up in a daughter who talks about being dickmatized on TV while her boobs fall out.
Oh yes, Adrienne arrived. Brandi coveted Adrienne’s boytoy, whom I will here-by rename Oedipal Complex (WHAT IS HIS DEAL?! DOES HE HATE HIS MOTHER THAT MUCH?!). Of the many things I cannot comprehend about Adrienne, her hair is high-ranking on the list. It’s the same cheap synthetic polyester of a 1980’s Barbie Doll.
Rambles Richards gave a long speech about being proud of Brandi. Kyle chimed in because: can’t let Kim hog all the cameratime. In the background Ken looks like he’d like to drown himself in the pool.
Personally, I think Brandi and Kim should just face their inevitable destiny and move-in together like some sort of Golden Girls odd couple (Thank You For NOT Being A Friend!). They could putter around one of Kathy Hilton‘s old homes, which she uses for storing the holiday decorations and Paris’ old pets; Kim making chicken salad and doing impressions, cleaning up after Brandi’s parties, and Brandi dragging home young hotties and telling crass jokes. Every night Brandi will crack open a bottle of chard and Kim will hit the NA stuff and they’ll swap stories from the good old days, when Kim played frisbee with Tippi Hedren‘s lions and Brandi’s face didn’t resemble a plastic mold from Madame Tussauds. Kingsley will be in the backyard zoo.
After that party ended Lisa Rinna did the Ice Bucket Challenge on Access Hollywood and explained the importance of staying young in Hollywood (vaginal rejuvenation time?!). Eileen Davidson complained about convincing herself she likes working-out when she’d rather eat donuts. Sometimes she even eats donuts at SoulCycle! Eileen and Lipsa are really candid about what it takes to have longevity in Hollywood – looking young, staying present, being professional, and not letting your personal life take the spotlight.
Of course, then they signed up for RHOBH and all that went out the window.
LVP has a charity tea at PUMP to procure donated dresses for girls in foster care. It’s the first time the ladies have seen PUMP. YoFrigidaire is miffed she wasn’t invited to the opening. She reminds Lisa of this as she walks through the front gate. Is this gonna be her schtick this season – constantly admonishing Lisa on how she slighted her and hurt her feelings? Look Yo – take your issues to Starbucks.
YoFridgidaire spent all last season calling Lisa a “Hollywood friend”, so she can’t have hurt feelings when LVP’s acting the part. Maybe that’s the problem: Hollywood friends at least invite you to their fabulous events and Lisa isn’t even doing that for Yo, whom Lisa knows is just rambling around SourPuss Manor inspecting the toilets and perusing private jet redecorating websites while she tries to drown out the constant flow of elevator music emitting from David’s office – who knows who or what he is singing with!
The other girls arrive, oohing and aahing over PUMP, which is spectacular. Brandi is afraid to walk in, the smell of class and sophistication repulses her, like a vampire confronted with sunlight. Lisa bustles up to the gate, wrenches the donated dresses from her hands, and demands the PUMP server take them to incinerator – who knows where they’ve come from (Forever 21) or what they’ve been doing (Forever 21).
The tension between Brandi and Lisa could be cut with a teaspoon. Brandi spots the sangria cart and makes a beeline. Then rips a twig from one of Lisa’s 100-year-old imported olive trees and extends an olive branch in what she thought was a witty move. Lisa rebuffs her, so Brandi rips an entire branch off and waves it in Lisa’s face. Lisa is aghast. Eileen’s mouth is agape. Kyle is stupefied.
“Put it back,” Lisa demands. “Turn back time and take it all away. You, this, me being forced to interact with you – this whole charade of a friendship. Just stoppit! I don’t want it.” Brandi giggles awkwardly. That tree is probably worth more than Brandi’s rental! Time for LVP to issue Boozdi a Cease & Desist Sucking Up letter, with an eloquently-worded bill enclosed.
Later Yolanda volunteers right on the spot to take the Ice Bucket Challenge because her friend has ALS. Lisa dumps a bucket of ice over Yo’s head and her makeup remains perfectly in-tact. Revenge is forcing your classy friend into an impromptu wet t-shirt contest!
Then Brandi invites Lisa to lunch. Lisa says maybe. So Boozdi offers to eat Lisa’s p-ssy. Yes, she said to Lisa, “Do you want me to eat your p-ssy.” Lisa doesn’t even let Ken get near that! Lisa recovered well and promptly told the other girls what Brandi said. Collective shock reverberated through the table. “What means cunnilingus” a suddenly foreign Yolanda wonders, “Is it a vegetable?” Well, it is something you eat – maybe Yo should ask David for a definition!
Eileen changes the subject. I mean how do you go from ladies lunch to ladies who munch? Just no? Ugh, Brandi… just so many no’s I don’t have the words! Eileen realizes something really dark and soap operatic is going on between Lisa and Brandi, something she wants no part of. She only wants to play with crazy as a character on Days.
Afterwards, sans LVP, the girls sit down together to discuss all the ways she has wronged them, because Lipsa and Eileen are confused by the origins of the species known as Housewives drama. It’s not too different from evolution girls! Lisa, the alpha, continued to grow upright, walking on the highest heels, to the most beautiful flowers and wine, landing her own show, and the other girls got the recessive storylines: outdated hair flips, desperate attention seeking, chicken salad for beginners, boozing and bruising, and David.
Brandi’s issue is Lisa being “best friends” with her husband’s mistress. I love how Brandi is exonerating herself from ever doing anything wrong – it’s all Lisa’s fault. Same story, different season. Scheana works for Lisa and is friends with Pandora. Brandi is mad that Lisa wouldn’t fire Scheana and demand Pandy stop being her friend, which she believes is Lisa choosing Scheana over her. Similar to when Adrienne got mad that Lisa wouldn’t force Pandy to have a party at The Palms. This is supposed to be real life not schadenfreude.
Brandi says they all love Lisa, they just have issues with her. Then she changes it – they’ve all been f–ked by Lisa, and now they want their apologies. Everyone grimaces. Eileen sighs, this is gonna be a long season and she’s already made up her mind to stick by LVP.
TELL US – DOES BRANDI NEED TO C&D WITH THE SUCKING UP? IS THIS THE GROSSEST EPISODE OF RHOBH TO DATE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]