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claudia jordan vs. nene leakes in puerto rico

Was anyone else totally confused by this episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta? I don’t know what was more disturbing: the majorly disjointed story or Claudia Jordan‘s feet. I need some clarity on motives here – and also on shade, which I thought was genteel and left one guessing, not obviously wrong like a bunion crusted-foot. 

The clips set-up this episode to be a big show-down in Puerto Rico between the establishment and the upstarts (not unlike an episode of Downton Abbey, although I dare say Lady Mary’s reads are far superior to anyone on RHOA). And yes, that did happen, but I felt like we’re missing some serious backstory. Was there a reason Phaedra Parks is suddenly gunning for Demetria McKinney like Evander Holyfield? Is Phaedra in love with Roger Bobb too? Speaking which, I beginning to believe Roger the Friendly Ghost comes from Claudia’s mysterious sugar daddy connect – or Kenya Moore‘s over-active iMANgination!

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Here’s my best guess: there were rumors Phaedra quit the show mid-filming because of all the drama with Apollo and she was furious he was filming and talking ish about her. Perhaps in her hiatus, producers brought in Demetria and then pitted the two against each other? Or there was some backstory we’re not seeing – Demetria said in an interview that Phaedra abandoned Apollo, so perhaps she had been filming with Apollo (she is friends with Cynthia Bailey) and Phaedra heard Dequenchia was meddling in her marriage so she decided to return the favor by heaping some serious shade on Dequenchia’s faux-lationship. Also, can we puh-leaze impose a moratorium on fake RHOA relationships? 

Furthermore these girls are extra-sensitive and looking for trouble. Every glance, every sigh, every utterance was OH! You got read! You got shaded! It was too much with the calling-out and keeping tabs and runaway coochies. It turns out Porsha Willimas isn’t the only person on RHOA who needs thesaurus – and a real-life man. 

claudia jordan goes to the podiatrist

So on to the recap: Claudia goes to the podiatrist and brings Kenya as the supportive friend. We finally see Claudia’s “snow-capped mountain” feet and yes, those toes look like they need some Proactiv, but other than the double-decker baby-toe: meh. If being pretty from the ankles up, showing off your ugly feet to prove you’re real, and being biracial are your only storylines, it’s no wonder Claudia had to do something drastic. Something she knows well from attending the Krayonce Moore Seminar for Reality TV Relevance. Lesson 1) Take on the veteran.  

Kandi Burruss gets dinner with Dequenchia – seriously who is Demetria and why are we supposed to care about this perpetual side-piece? Talk about needing some Blue’s Clues (or in this case Boo’s Clues) –  to apologize for seeming messy over the Gocha/Roger Bobb thing. Demetria immediately accepts because the thirst is real and Demetria wants a drink of Kandi’s career. She gushes about how she idolizes Kandi and would love to work with Kandi Koated Messiness. Then Kandi recommends some sextoys and Demetria wants remote-control panties. And really “Lipstick” tips is not the sort of thing one wants to hear over dinner – especially when they’re already eating fish. BLAH

Krayonce hires an assistant for her high-flying, super A-list life. This person better be able to behave at George Clooney’s wedding because Academy Award-winning producer Kenya was invited. Basically the requirement for being Kenya’s assistant is being down the twirl, aka: keeping up with the delusion and accepting what she says as fact. You probably also need to be able to gather props, write speeches-o-shade, artfully disguise weaves, and be very pro with the inventa-men – don’t want any more thirsty Walters! Of course Cynthia, who runs a MODELING AGENCY, is helping Kenya cast this professional assistant. Believable – NOT. 

Phaedra and NeNe Leakes go visit Demetria at the studio, where she is belting out songs for her new album. NeNe shockingly, pays her some compliments about her singing, but Phaedra suggests that at 35 she is too old to be a pop star and too old to be waiting around on Roger Bobb, because it’s clear this man is just not that into you. Nor is he around you. Ever. 

phaedra parks and nene leakes confront demetria mckinney about roger bomb being unfaithful

Demetria is full of excuses for RB being with Gocha – they were on a break and she tooooottttalllly trusts him. Something is very “off” with this woman – very. Maybe Phaedra was just put-off by her – or maybe she saw some signs of herself and Apollo in how Demetria just goes along with everything Roger says, even when it doesn’t add up – like 8 minus several breaks doesn’t still equal 8.

But why do I feel like Demetria is a Lifetime Movie stalker situation? And why do I feel like Phaedra was one-step away from a nervous breakdown – she was seriously brittle this episode, not that it excuses her terrible rudeness. 

Phaedra commits the ultimate insult by asking Dequenchia if she did crack because she had a role as a crackhead on Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. I thought Phaedra was making a sort of stupid joke, because given that Phaedra used to represent Bobby Brown she knows that Crack is Whack, but Demetria’s feathers got ruffled in the manner of a peacock being pushed out of their space in front of the mirror. 

Seriously why was Phaedra so unsettled over Demetria? We’re missing something, right? Even NeNe was a bit shocked by what transpired. 

Everyone goes to Puerto Rico to see Demetria sing, but surprise, surprise: Roger Bobb is not coming to support his lady. Porsha was late to the airport because she couldn’t figure out that planes went in the air. Luckily she remembered her $80,000 Firkin, which did not pair well with her too-small walking TMI dress. Next time, Porsha get your sugar daddy to buy you a dress in your size. Kandi Koated Messiness thinks Porsha needs to teach a class on how to side-piece – no IQ required – and somewhere Joyce is trading Todd in for Porsha’s model. “He got money Kaaaaandieeee! HE ain’t no opportunist!” 

Kandi, Demetria and Porsha arrive first. Then self-described Team Pretty (seriously GROW-UP): Claudia, Cynthia, and Kenya. And finally NeNe and Phaedra. But the real question is did NeNe come to Puerto Rico – or did NayNay?!

porsha williams in puerto rico

The hotel is boutique, which is code for small rooms and a little dumpy. Porsha, Kandi, and Demetria talk about whether or not Phaedra was intentionally shading Demetria with the crack comment. 

When KraCyDia arrive Demetria immediately rushes to tell them they are the fun group and complain about Phaedra’s crack comment. She is so sketchy! Kenya says Phaedra was being mean – she knows from experience what it’s like to be a victim of Phaedra. Kenya the victim act is as old and rusted as your Miss WHO-S-A crown. You were an equal contributor in all that mess and no victim of anything save for your own self-delusion. Basically: we aren’t buying what you’re selling, and that includes Stallion Bootys. But Kenya encourages Demetria to confront Phaedra. 

Phaedra appears in her mummy dearest glasses while Demetria is sitting in her supply-closet-turned-bathroom with her “glam squad” getting her full-on gussied-up for a pool-side dinner with the RHOA ladies. It was beyond weird. Phaedra quips that this-time the stylist is “on-point” and he whips around so fast he got dizzy. Someone needs twirl practice! Phaedra saunters off and Demetria is puzzled: was she being nice or shady? She better ask Kenya

At dinner KraCyDia make unconvincing small-talk over drinks while waiting for a fight. NeNe breezes in, orders a complicated cocktail for the table, which everyone decides is rude, because everything NeShaDra are doing is rude on principal, for instance they did not profusely thank Dequechia – AGAIN – for the trip (the trip RB paid for with Bravo’s credit card).

demetria mckinney confronts phaedra parks

This is a sign that Demetria should call Phaedra out on insulting of her singing career, age, drug use, and ROGER BOBBING. Phaedra “was just being honest.” She blames Demetria for talking abut her relationship constantly;  this is true – if you don’t want people to discuss it don’t make it the focal point at every event you attend. 

“The only thing we have in common is the number eight – yours is going and mine has been here for eight!” Demetria snaps back. Which is laughable A) Dequenchia clearly learned math from Porsha because RB has not been around for 8 years, a statement Demetria has admitted; and B) Demetria and Phaedra are defending relationships that no one would want. Phaedra retaliates by snapping that at least she has a huzzzzband – of course – but she ought return to that ring he stole for her, because marrying Apollo is like getting an Honorable Mention badge just for trying – i.e. #NoPrize. 

Phaedra and NeNe start cackling and high-fiving; and then BOOM!

CLAWdia and NayNay start fighting over money and what money can buy you: neither class (like either of these ladies would know since they never bothered getting quotes from the Countess on that) nor a new clitoris. I am pretty sure vaginal reconstructive surgery is possible – just ask Brandi

The topics of this high-brow argument: being able to get a man to marry you, who is a whore, who looks old (NeNe’s edges) and ugly (NeNe’s wig resembles uncooked Ramen), money, and sadly “halfbreed” gets thrown in there by NeNe (Yes, we’re resorting to racist comments now. Pathetic.). NeNe accuses Claudia of being Krayonce’s puppet – if that read proves anything, it’s that yes – Kenya has been filling Clawdia in. 

nene leakes and claudia jordan argue in puerto rico

So, who’s a whore: NeNe for being on a pole 20-years-ago or Claudia for sleeping with all of Hollywood until her clit became her own side-piece and was out there ho-ing on its own (does it have a name, like a stripper’s alter-ego?)? Porsha announces that NeNe has left the building and NayNay has arrived – which was the most hilarious moment ever!

Kandi describes Claudia reading NayNay like Hooked On Phonics – which brings me to this point: can these ladies ever argue without reducing themselves to such tawdry insults: whore, broke, ugly, fat, old, desperate, stupid, manless? C’mon ladies…

It continues next week, when ClAWdia’s side-piece gets into the action to defend itself. I joke… but really, could it get more confusing? Or more crass? Can Countess Lu be a surprise guest to upstage Demetria’s performance and start belting out “Money Can’t Buy You Class”?! Bravo – make this happen! 

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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