Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 12.06.34 AM

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Secrets Revealed was all about friendships, fun, swans, and family – you know, none of the stuff the actual season focused on.

At Villa Rosa the swans are primed for attack by the Most Wanted posters hung in the pond, and the mini horses are being tailed by Rumpy Pumpy who just can’t figure out what to do with these odd creatures, but Lisa Vanderpump knows that if she had to choose between Ken and the horses, Ken would be joining David Foster in Casa de Divorce. #LifeWithoutLyme

Just kidding! Ken is well-aware Lisa would never leave him – although he’s decided to pretend-adore mini horses just in case! After Ken brushes and grooms a mini horse, he trots over to Dr. Ourian’s office so Lisa can get her skin examined for melanoma. Or so Ken thinks… the real plan is to trick Ken into getting Botox!



As you know being 70 is one thing, but looking 70 is unacceptable! After Lisa coerces Ken into the chair, she straps him down, and the last thing he remembered was a sparkly needle pointed towards his head. Then he woke up unable to move his face. Horrors of Beverly Hills. However, Ken’s face will always remain frozen in a smile when Lisa adds to their animal menagerie!

Erika Girardi lectures us on the professionalism it takes to be Erika Jayne. The hours devoted to patting the puss and dropping on the dick and whipping your anime wig back and forth while mouthing “How many f–ks do I give?” while simultaneously prancing, mini-horse style, around a sound stage is grueling and demanding. As Erotika explains, no one emerges from the womb a superstar (except Blue Ivy!), so it requires dedication, hard work, and Tom Girardi‘s bank account to become Erika Jayne. Erika may not give any f–ks, but maybe she should – that video was tragic! Only Andy Cohen is wooed!

While Erika is patting pusses, Yolanda Foster is holding bottles of moldy apple juice up to her chest to test her equilibrium. And this cures Lyme Disease how…. Flashback to the reunion, in the middle of Yolanda extolling why Cryotherapy is so amazing, Andy yawns. “This’s funny?!” snaps Yolanda, turning into Nurse Ratchet, before remembering that Andy is her boss, so she forces a fake laugh. Yes Yolanda – YOU ARE BORING!

Thankfully the only mention of Lyme came when Yolanda visited some chiropractic holistic doctor, supervised by Daisy, Yolanda’s bitchy sitter. The doctor apparently stole Erika Jayne‘s makeup box, and made Yolanda hold various contents to her chest while raising her arm. Then he would tap or tug her outstretched arm to determine if the time she clutched was toxic or healing. C-nty necklace? No…. Glitter spanx? No… 6 foot platinum blonde weave… no. Whatever Yolanda. 

Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 12.06.03 AM

Later Yolanda and David are entertaining Erika and Tom when Gigi appears. Since Yolanda has been Erika’s close friend for nearly 10 years, Tom has never met Gigi before and seems to have no idea who this “supermodel of the world” is. Tom is in for a treat, because Yolanda expects Tom and everyone else to be as enamored with My Gigi as she is! Yolanda tells Tom about how brilliant Brilliant Gigi is. Post-modeling she’s going to become a criminal psychologist, which is Tom’s line of work like that Erin Boogerbitch movie where he won the Powerball and gave all the money to people suffering from Lyme Disease. Unfortunately for Yolanda, Gigi has no interest in “university” because she’s a student of the world and could, like, study criminal justice by talking to people who like had DUIs or something, which is, like, totally more important than a degree. But she’s still a, like, geniusy person. Please tell me I wasn’t the only person stabbing my TV yelling SHUT. UP. The only interesting thing about that scene was Erika’s makeup. 

Horses are all the rage on RHOBH. Portia has abandoned her dream of acting for riding lessons. Frankly, I’m surprised Kyle Richards would allow her daughter near horses given that one can contract chronic Lyme disease from a horse fly, and all… 

Later Kyle attempts to help Portia with her second grade math homework, and realizes that she has no idea what to do with the 15 cents Bobby gave Ronnie since 15 cents doesn’t even equal a Beverly Hills penny. Apparently lack of money math management runs in the family, because Kyle tells her older daughters about how Portia accidentally charged five figures playing Kim Kardashian Hollywood a predatory game on the iPad. Portia bursts into tears believing Mauricio is going to kill her for spending so much money. Kyle seems shocked that Portia is a real girl, with emotions and feelings and stuff, and not some doll she can dress up and pose in cute scenery like an American Girl catalog.

At Lisa Rinna‘s house, her daughter is recovering from a tonsillectomy by communicating in emoji and using her phone as a vehicle for demanding Popsicles. Lisa laughs at her latest role playing Super Mom. Gotta hustle! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle to the freezer…

Lipsa’s other daughter Delilah is gunning for Gigi’s career as Supermodel of the World. She did her first photoshoot and Lipsa encourages her to pursue what she loves so long as she remembers to wear her retainer. However, unlike Yolanda, Lipsa’s approach was all positive affirmations, intermixed with the value of the hustle! but no shaming or micromanaging. 

Then Lipsa admits to lying about using a strap-on, like she said on Jenny McCarthy‘s radio show. “These lips get me in trouble!” she laughs, admitting that the pseudo-admission abut the strap-on just slipped, but isn’t true. Lipsa blames it on being 7 am and she wasn’t sure if she was on radio or in a cryogenic sauna getting Amelia a Popsicle. 

In world without shame Eileen Davidson cannot get enough Erika – Jayne or Girardi. Erika visits her on the Y&R set to watch Ashley deliver her best bitch-face. Erika is giddy. Afterwards the new friends go shopping together. Erika insists she’s a very private person who spends most of her days in her chapel praying for some attention from Tom

Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 12.07.58 AM

During bathing suit shopping Erika claims she avoids a bikini – except on stage – and that she really prefers to hang out at home, patting the puss than to partying. Erika respects Eileen’s secret fun side. A side Eileen decides to embrace by purchasing a gown without massive side cut-outs. That cost $600. Which Erika paid for – buying Eileen’s loyalty in exchange for some hoochie wear and the Erika Jayne Treatment. Is Erika celebrating Eileen embracing her brazen-side, or is she buying Eileen’s friendship? Who’s the manipulative one now?! 

Kathryn Edwards goes dress shopping with Lipsa, who talks her into trying on all the things Lipsa wishes her curve-less body looked good in. Lipsa is jealous of Kathryn’s arms, and her ability to wear side cut-outs. Hell, aren’t we all! 

Kim Richards visited Kyle in Palm Dessert wearing a leftover I Dream Of Jeanie costume she found at the Paramount yard sale in 1976. Kim and Kyle bond over their childhood being exploited and taken advantage of by Kathy. Kyle is relieved Kim is in a good place – for now – and that as sisters they can enjoy each other again. “We do have fun,” sighs Kim, as if she’s trying to convince herself more than she’s trying to convince us. 

The episode closes with the ladies in the Hamptons, where all the trouble of the season started. LVP and Eileen supposedly were annoyed with each other at this time, since it was after ‘The Affair Inquisition,’ but LVP instructs the women to focus on the positive instead of discussing why they cry. So they all sat on the patio and laughed about who has the hottest husband. Erika did not win that prize, which was really no competition. Since they all felt bad for her the ladies listened politely while Erika gushed over Tom’s brilliance and how he’s always teaching her something or offering advice. The ladies feign interest, as Erika rambles about their partnership as mutual equals – except when she’s in time-out, or in her room, or rolling around on the stage in a sequined catsuit while he wins millions for people in need. That doesn’t matter to Tom – he never condescends her!  

And that’s a wrap – we’re officially done with this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, and, sadly, I can’t say I’ll miss the ladies. Yet, if I never again have to hear the words “journey” or “munchausen” or “manipulate” it would be too soon!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]