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Erika Jayne Expensive

I regret to inform you that last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was, once again, all about Kim Richards‘ sobriety. At least we got to see some Erika Jayne side-boob this time though – to cover all the bases of Housewives anatomy. Honestly I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than pantygate.

The story of Kim is a sad one indeed. In fact, Kim and Kyle Richards‘ life reminds me of a book I read – a memoir written by Jack Kerouac’s daughter about her adolescence and early adulthood. I initially read it in high school and was jealous of her free-spirited life and her mother who let her do whatever she wanted; she could party, stay out all night, etc. I re-read the book in college and that time I was sad that she had zero guidance or stability.

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I feel like Kim is stuck in that place where she’s the coolest kid on the block and everyone thinks it’s cool that she has the mom with no rules and eternal freedom. But, sadly, neither Kim nor Kyle have allowed themselves to admit or develop the grown-up realization that their mom failed them, so they continue clinging onto this past idolization of how she was so cool.

For Kyle, luckily, she met Mauricio and went on to have a normal life. But Kim is still that teenage girl believing it’s amazing that she can do whatever she wants and the party never has to stop. Oh, Big Kathy, if only you cared as much about your daughter’s futures as you did in planning that tacky-ass wedding ring (which seriously did she share a jewelry designer with 1970’s Vegas Elvis?). Obviously, I’m not a doctor, I just play one in this recap.

With all that said, at this point, none of it is Lisa Rinna‘s business. Lipsa is NOT Kim and Kyle‘s protector, nor their family coach. Hell, she’s not even really their friend. The thing about Lipsa is, on one level I believe she’s sincere in her ‘tough love’ approach and wants to help. On the other, I believe she just can’t help herself from a juicy soap opera tale. However, I absolutely believe Lipsa’s account of Kim’s circumstances rather than the sugar-coated story Kim and Kyle have been peddling. Hey, Lipsa, I’m with you. I really am, but at some point… at some point…

So where to go with all this drama other than, “NO MORE OF KIM RICHARDS‘ SOBRIETY!” It’s just dark, sad, and, like PK staring up Erika’s skirt, seedy.

RELATED – Lisa Rinna Promises To Be Better, Not Bitter

So other than that, Erika is filming her new music video. I guess she’s a big star, but I, like Dorit Kemlsey, had never heard of her pre-RHOBH. Maybe the dance music industry is a huge money enterprise and Erika is their Mariah? Honestly, I don’t see what’s so controversial – or expen$$$ive – about jumping on a bed in an unflattering thong, and Erika please don’t call whatever that is inspiring to women. As Erika herself tells us, “Lookin’ this good don’t come for free.” Yeah, watching that mess sure cost me something.

Erika Jayne films new video

Something about Erika just comes across as always playing a part with nothing real or authentic about her. She is like a robot approximation of a male fantasy – JayneBot 2000.

While Erika is pillow fighting in a thong, Eileen Davidson and Lipsa arrive to bear witness and they’re dressed like two soccer moms at a Def Leopard concert. Honestly – Eileen wore trousers! And Lipsa had on a Rolling Stones shirt, but a designer version of one. They are blown away by the edginess of Erika’s Dynasty-style set. Eileen practices her jazz hands while dropping hints that she’d love to be a guest star in a video. Eileen is basically Erika’s groupie at this point. Don’t quit your day job.

Afterwards, Lipsa meets Eden Sassoon for shopping, which consists of trying on clothes over their exiting clothes while talking about Kim and Kyle. This topic, pun intended, bores the pants off me.

Eden Sassoon talks Kim and Kyle with Rinna

What is Eden‘s deal? Is she some sort of sober counselor? Is she the power company collecting everyone’s energy usage then trying to turn it into a social-hydrogen bomb? She sensed a “disconnect” with Kyle, which Lipsa dismisses as Kyle being distracted by hosting a party full of her unstable sister and the women who hate her.

Eden wants to probe into Kyle’s life, though, like a society detective, and decides Kyle’s resistance has to do with Kim’s sobriety. That’s when Lipsa takes a deep breath and announces that Kyle is Kim’s enabler and predictably Kim is not fully sober. Eden agrees, citing Kim’s anger, which was all out there matched only by the force of Kyle’s denial. Apparently this is ‘tough love’?

Rinna continues to obsess about Kim's sobriety

Lipsa is like a game of Ms. Pac-Man, isn’t she?! With her mouth just eating up allllll the juicy tidbits that come her way, then walking right into The Ghosts (Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde) and never turning around in time to escape. Doesn’t she get tired of the digitized ‘you’re dead’ indicator?

While this is happening, Kyle takes Lisa Vanderpump to look at Mauricio’s newest listing, some $120 million dollar property in Malibu. Portia comes along too. Is this kid not in school? Kyle rambles about how it’s soooooo difficult that Mauricio works so much, especially since she doesn’t caaaaaare about the money, it’s just a safety net for the children.

RELATED – Mauricio Sells The Infamous Playboy Mansion!

Of course, Kyle isn’t going to give up her upcoming trip to Greece to attend the Erika Jayne concert for family time – oh no! (Not that I would…)

Afterwards, they go to an adult restaurant for lunch. Portia plays with Snapchat while Kyle and Lisa discuss the disaster that is Kim + game night and how Lipsa is SO MEAN to Kim without reason. Let’s stop with the ‘Poor KimKillah Rambles Richards’ routine. No one believes it. Kim is no more innocent, that LVP was dropping the F-bomb accidentally in front of a 6-year-old. Hey, I have done it before too!

Lisa, Ken and Max learn about his biological parents

In nice moments, LVP and Ken go with Max to their adoption attorney’s office to find information about his biological parents. In the past, Lisa worried that Max may leave them, but now she knows, “He’s ours.” She says this with pride and love as she cries about how happy they were adopting Max and how much she loves her son. I loved this scene, especially seeing a tearful Lisa excuse herself to avoid a meltdown on camera. I loved all of it. You can tell they’re a nice family, who aside from all this reality stuff, are super genuine and real. I like seeing Lisa and Ken supporting Max in this journey. They all exclaim with excitement when learning Max’s biological father also played guitar.

In other nice moments, we saw another good side of Dorit. After the disaster at game night, Dorit decides three grown women can have a civil conversation and work things out. Discounting that the three so-called grown women are herself, Eileen, and Lipsa, she forges ahead with a plan to organize a peace-making luncheon. This is the Beverly Hills equivalent of a UN Summit, and international Dorit with her accent of the world, is their ambassador. Nacho Cheese Flavoring is universal!

Dorit lays pantygate to bed

Still, it was a classy move. This was a way to stymie pantygate from becoming a full-on epidemic that will span the remainder of this season, and then probably the next, and all it took was Dorit picking up the phone. After she supervised her nanny IRONING her toddler son’s wardrobe to perfection, Dorit sidles into her office and calls Eileen and Lipsa to express her regret that their disagreement became so heated and her hope that they can work it out over lunch. You can feel Eileen’s resistance, then hear her sigh of relief.

Pre-lunch, Dorit rehashes her argument with Eileen and Lipsa with PK. PK agrees with Eileen that Dorit has a tendency to ramble and talk and talk and talk – no wonder she got along with Rambles! – without letting anyone make a point.

Over lunch, Dorit does talk and talk (and over-talk) her point about how EILEEN continues whipping the pussy problem into a frenzy. The funny thing is, both Dorit and Eileen each want each other to shut up, but in very different ways. Eileen in the immediate literal sense; Dorit in the perspective relevance. Lipsa’s just there for the view. Whatever the case, they all agree to press “reset” and move on in the positive direction they started in, panties or not, and chalk it up to people who had no bad intentions but didn’t necessarily say or do the right thing.

Shockingly, it was civil, like real adults discussing something. I had to double check what show I was watching. Thank you for that, Bravo.

Eileen and Dorit apologize to each other

Dorit emphasizes that she won’t forget how Eileen dragged her, but she will forgive, and she also accepts that perhaps she does talk too much. Dorit is growing on me. Last week, I loved her spunky refusal to back down, and this week, I appreciated how she put her big girl panties on and made the first move. Although I hope she never puts on that bizarre caplet thing again – it actually resembled a Ms. Pac-Man costume! Also what was on her head? A tracking device? Was she hiding a camera in there?

Since Lipsa is making the rounds this episode, she meets Kyle and Eden for the world’s most awkward lunch. Eden is going to have to work on her detective skills. Might I suggest watching some of Lisa and Harry Hamlin’s finest acting with a Veronica Mars marathon?! YES.

Anyway, the moment Kyle sits down with her dewy complexion, Eden starts probing for information about whether or not Big Kathy was the drunk who turned Kim into Little Kathy. It was all too much Richards archeology, cause I frankly don’t care. Kim, in my opinion, has passed the age of being able to blame her mommy. But since Eden is curious, maybe she should read House Of Hilton.

Kyle doesn't trust Eden's questions

Look, I want to give Eden a chance, but being the self-appointed Richards Sisters counselor is Adrienne Maloof’s job, and Adrienne is far better at it because I spend most of the time studying her tinsel-y hair, her insane makeup, or the latest plastic surgery she’s had. For all her talk of energy and how Kim’s is sad, Eden is not picking up that Kyle’s antenna is up about Lipsa and Eden’s motives.

Finally, Kyle heads to Greece to see Erika’s vajayne vajazzle the international scene with shirtless male dancers in a massive villa by the sea. Erika goes on and on about how she loves that Kyle isn’t judgmental. What Kyle does she know? And how she’s open-minded. Yeah, of course she is [SARCASM!]. And Kyle made Erika like female friends… I think I might like this Kyle too. Where is she? Must be hidden under a caftan somewhere!

Kyle & Erika in Greece

Well, who can be upset in Mykonos? Chase your cares away, save your worries for another day, let the music play, down in Mykonos!

TELL US – DO YOU TRUST EDEN’S MOTIVES? DID DORIT IMPRESS YOU? THOUGHTS ON ERIKA’S VIDEO?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]