On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, “we” had a baby (we’re included in this “we” because at this point we’re all basically Kim and Kyle Richards‘ celestial family in twisted sister drama). “We” also planned a trip to Hong Kong to rescue dogs, and we also got our laps squished by an Instagram personality and his giant bottle of rosé.
Where I will let Kyle stand alone is in that awful dress she wore to the Kyle By AleneTwo book signing event. At least Eden Sassoon got the message and wore a kaftan. And Lisa Rinna, well she and her diarrhea stayed home. Erika Girardi also went home – on a private jet with a glam squad. I don’t know why Erika doesn’t cry more often because she has such a pretty cry face!
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So, yes, Kyle is hosting an event at her store for the book and wine release of Instagram personality The Fat Jewish. Kyle is very literary, you know. She once hosted a book party for Nicky Hilton. KaftansTOO! is a hub of intellect and arts.
Kyle arrives to lunch with Dorit Kemsley driving some sort of flashy car, and across town, Erika arrives to lunch with Eileen Davidson driving the exact same car. That’s like a weird Beverly Hills show of solidarity and support, but no matter the driver, the topic of conversation remained the same: Kim Richards Vs. Lisa Rinna, Round 2 zillion.
Kyle doesn’t trust that Lipsa’s apology was sincere because how many times can you cry ‘own it,’ then repeat the same behaviors? I don’t know – how many times can you, KIM? Kyle is griping that Lipsa wants everyone to forget all the bad stuff she’s done because she’s apologized, but Kim is doing the exact same thing! Except she’s not even apologizing. Instead, Kim’s all – MY SOBRIETY NOW so none of that other stuff that I did ever happened. GOT IT?! Yet, despite Dorit’s prodding about how untrustworthy Lipsa is, Kyle has decided that underneath she’s a good person. So if Kim can forgive and go forth anew, so too can Kyle. After all – Kyle wants friends in high places!
And not the same kind of high places Rambles seems to seek her friends.
At a different lunch, Eileen and Erika are far more sympathetic to Lipsa. They praise the incredible guts it took to ‘own it’ in a room full of Richards and Richards-sympathizers. Cheesecake makes a girl do funny things!
And in a bucolic garden, atop a Hollywood hilltop and surrounded by pom-fur infinitum, Lisa Vanderpump tut-tuts about Lipsa’s latest shenanigans and decrees that calling Kyle an enabler is unforgivable. Still, LVP has bigger traps to worry about closing – like the one in China sending dogs to slaughter. She’s planning a trip to Hong Kong to petition the government against the Yulin Dog Festival. A noble cause for noble beasts. Funnily enough KimKillah + Kingsley is always RHOBH’s beast of burden.
All by herself, with only a smoothie full of Xanax (we presume), a giddy Lipsa talks to her dog about how happy she is to have moved on. It’s a new day in her heart, which means her lips are sealed when it comes to KimKillah Rambles Richards and the flow of My Sobriety. That tough old bird can peck somebody else’s good graces out.
One thing we can all agree on – it’s time to stop talking about MY SOBRIETY and time to start talking about OUR grandson and OUR vacation. And Kyle‘s book event, which was a domino effect of disasters. RHOBH slapstick if you will. First there was Kyle’s dress and her Charo ponytail, sticking out from the very top of her head like a cone head.
Lipsa was supposed to come, but she canceled moments before because she had the flu. Then, Kyle IG stalked her and saw a picture of Lipsa shopping for shoes. Kyle has The Fat Jewish call Lipsa to expose her lie. Lipsa claims Saks is right next to her doctor’s and they have bathrooms. Basically, she had the fever for shoes, and everybody knows we’re all one stomach flu away from our goal weight (The Devil Wears Prada). Personally, I think Lipsa was just sick of Rambles and hoping to avoid her, but Rambles was at the hospital delivering Brooke’s baby or something. She plays a doctor on TV!
Next, Dorit tumbled out of her town car. Dorit was rocking a new sleek bob. Erika told her it looked fabulous, so Dorit responded by informing Erika that this was the very first nice thing she’s ever said to her. Erika bristled like a Richard’s sister’s hairbrush following 100 strokes while muttering Kathy! Kathy! Kathy!
Then Kyle, trying to drink White Girl Rose from the bottle with an extra-long straw, got wine in her eye and had to grab a pair of panties off the shelf to wipe it away. “I’ll have to take these home,” she cackled. Eden arrived wearing a cult costume – a super-bizarre kaftan that looked like it came from Kyle’s StarShip Enterprise collection.
LVP is covertly inviting Erika to Hong Kong simply so she can use of her private jet “for charity,” when Eileen sidles over and Erika instantly extends the invite to LVP’s bitterest enemy. Private planes come at a price, darling, and that price is being force to share a ride with The Apologizer Police.
Eileen is all too willing to troll LVP‘s trip – knowing how passionate LVP is about bitches and all. Then, Eden wanders over to invite herself along, too. Who’s next in this clown car of calamity? Brandi Glanville?! Actually, no. It’s Lipsa. LVP realizes she’ll have to invite The Wicked Lips Of The West, who hopefully can use her enormous vocality to raise awareness to an important cause.
This is all Ken‘s fault – he had to stay in L.A. to supervise Vanderpump Dogs, so LVP invited Kyle, and it spiraled from there.
The evening ends with Kyle finding herself in a challah bread sandwich with The Fat Jewish and his skinny green-haired accomplice. Maurico busts up the party because only one Jew bearing only a spare tire is allowed in Kyle’s inner sanctum.
The next day, LVP has a select few ladies over for a garden lunch at Villa Rosa. Pandora and Jason are releasing a new rosé and she’s conducting a tasting with discriminating palates. If your collective audience cannot make toast and thinks tilapia is an anti-aging serum, you know you’ve found the right group for mainstream appeal.
LVP’s luncheon dishes looked delicious though. Kyle announcers that WE are grandmothers to one adorable little boy named Hucksley and everyone who was loosely related to a Hilton, Richards, or their SnapChat followers was in the delivery room to witness this extension of the family line. How… errr… creepy? But congrats! I would not want The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick‘s orange turpentine glow anywhere near my crotch, but different strokes.
The other other order of business is the icy demeanor and impenetrable wall of one Erika Vajayne Girardi. Poor Dorit just doesn’t get it – she’s able to make friends with everyone blah, blah, blah, but Erika treats her like day-old undies. They have different philosophies. Erika feels it’s best to be besties with one’s husband, a few select gays, and the rest is just meh.
Kyle blames women being judgy for Erika’s wall, but that’s silly! It’s not like Dorit is chopped tilapia – I can imagine plenty of women passing judgement on her as well, yet that doesn’t stop her from being friendly. However, just like Dorit doesn’t trust the motives of Eileen and Lipsa, Erika doesn’t seem to trust her. As Erika said, “I’m a different animal…” Dorit pushes the issue until Erika leaves – she’s on her way to GA to see her mama and confront difficult issues from her past.
Kyle travels to Kim’s new condo to deliver a bassinet and discuss Kim and Lipsa’s tepid truce. Will it last? Will a baby stay a baby? Will Kingsley ever stop biting?
The devil went down to GA on a private jet, looking like an angel and bringing her glam squad. I’m just kidding. I was happy to finally see a more ‘human side’ of Erika instead of her JayneBot persona, a robotic misogynist attachment to pseudo-female empowerment.
I am liking Erika more and more. For one, she’s sensible and remains above the fray of pettiness. Secondly, she and LVP have realized they’re unlikely allies – two women who know that women like themselves are rare breeds who are better as allies. Although it’s a slow-moving friendship that seems awkward at times, sometimes those pay off the most in the end.
Erika and her mom are the closest they have ever been. Erika’s heading home to watch her mom perform in the local community theater and bringing hair and makeup to give her mom the ultimate stage make-over as a surprise. When they get to her childhood home from the airport, Erika’s mama is still at rehearsal. Erika walks her glams down memory lane, recounting her grandmother’s tragic passing from Alzheimer’s. When her mom arrives home, she’s wearing a “Pat The Puss” Erika Jayne t-shirt. A mother’s love, right?!
Erika dispatches her glams away for some mother-daughter bonding over Lipton tea with teddy bear honey. Did the glams sleep in the private plane on top of makeup cases and curlers? We’ll never know! The next morning Erika and her mom visit her grandparents grave. It was emotional and sweet.
Erika’s mom had her at 18 and was a single mom who often got hurt and used by men and friends alike. Witnessing her raw emotions taught Erika to button-up. Her mom was hard on her and wanted Erika to have a tough exterior and self-reliance. Erika acknowledges it’s difficult for her to connect with others because of this, but at home, she lays it bare.
When her grandmother got ill, Erika’s mom moved into their home, which in a lot of ways is the home Erika grew up in. She was always much closer emotionally to her grandmother. At the grave site, Erika admits that her mom’s parenting may have turned her into a tough old bird, but people think she’s cold. Erika finally gets to be a little girl for a moment as her mom comforts her. Awwww.
Back in BH, Lipsa and LVP also make amends. Now that Lipsa has exposed herself, LVP has officially been vindicated over last season’s drama and decides the time has come to extend the olive branch – or doggy paw as it were – to Hong Kong. “I will never forget,” explains LVP, “It’s not holding a grudge – it’s called being smart.”
All it costs for Lipsa to receive the Kyle Richards Treatment is to put a chink in her armor. LVP wants to extract a pound of flesh, but since Lipsa doesn’t really have that to give, feathery eyelashes LVP has always covet will have to suffice!
A shocked Lipsa eagerly complies. If eyelashes is what it takes to get their friendship back, eyelashes she will have. The price one pays the piper is steep, but the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Worth it. So off to Hong Kong we will go!
TELL US – DO YOU THINK LIPSA AND LVP HAVE FINALLY MOVED ON? IS ERIKA COLD OR MEAN TO DORIT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]