Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

Last season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I suspected something was misfiring inside Dorit Kemsley‘s brain because she just didn’t seem to ‘get’ certain things. Now I wonder if the reason she changes her hair so much is because instead of a brain her head is filled with extra pieces of hair. It’s plausible, right? And yes, once again last night was The Dorit Show, and I dunno… Lisa Rinna is a better TV host!

You guys – I am about to make a startling confession and I fully expect to be stoned with carbohydrates and Payless Shoes for this, but I have to do it. So here it goes: I truly believe the Housewife most like myself is Lisa Rinna.

No, I have not secretly written a book on how to suck D (yet! *wink, wink*), but when it comes to getting a tasty piece of gossip or knowing something I shouldn’t, I, like Lipsa, cannot help but blurt it out at inopportune times.

The words just fall right out of my mouth because I’m too excited. Immediately after I wish I could catch them and stuff them right back in like they’re a handful of chips, but neither Lisa Rinna nor I eat chips (me because I’m doing The Whole 30). Anyway that is the feeling I experienced while watching Lipsa saunter into dinner last night, plop down, and immediately unleash some tales about Lisa Vanderpump and Ken being sued. I was yelling “LISA RINNA – STOP IT! Put anything in your mouth! Read some Rinnovation aloud instead!” But I could feel she was literally chopping at the muzzle… It’s a curse to be so addicted to the salacious, I tell you, but it certainly makes good TV. (I would never go on a reality show. Ever).

SO let’s move on to the true topic of the evening – Tom Girardi‘s ankle. Kidding.  But not kidding, did he let people sign his cast?! Did he get the cast wrapped in a decorative Superman tape? Was homeboy on crutches or did he have some sort of floating hovercraft constructed from one of Erika’s capes, a giant Chanel bag, and a couple dominatrix harnesses? Let’s hope!

Last night it seems like these women just roved from restaurant to restaurant, talking about each other, and then cringing over what the other people were saying. I mean Kyle Richards just about had a margarita everyplace in LA! She just sort of zombied around, calling out “Margaritas?! Kathy?! Anybody?!” I bet she even told her troubles to the kitchen staff at SUR.

Teddi is stood up by Dorit Kemsley

Dorit was supposed to meet Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave for drinks, but instead she got caught up in a swimwear meetings – and anyone who’s ever tried to put on one of those one-piece/two-piece combo suits knows how you can get caught up! Dorit is relaunching her collection after a hiatus and on a deadline crunch. The most interesting thing about Dorit is that she once ran a pretty successful swimwear collection, and the most disappointing thing about Dorit is that she gave it all up to marry PK.

Dorit claims she was “laser focused” on an international call, but it looked like she was just sitting around with her assistants talking. Whatever – she got stuck at work, and it happens to the best of us. What does not happen, even to the worst of us, is that we NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO LET THE OTHER PERSON KNOW WE’RE SUPER LATE!

The bigger issue is that Teddi and Dorit seem to have had a miscommunication about what time they were meeting; Teddi thought 4, but Dorit had it written in her calendar for anytime between 4:30 and the return of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (which honestly some of Dorit’s hairstyles resemble a Flying Spaghetti Monster…). Ergo Teddi was sitting there for 54 minutes before Dorit finally phoned that she was still 15-20 minutes away. I thought Teddi was pretty gracious when she explained her perspective that she had to get home to her kids.

Dorit Kemsley

It seemed all good. Until, as Housewives who can never let anything go do, Dorit later complained to Kyle that Teddi got huffy and ditched her because she was a mere 2o minutes late due to work commitments. Dorit even claims that when she was only 6 minutes late Teddi actually texted to make sure she was alive and OK. Also, Dorit doesn’t understand who would need to abandon drinks to attend to her children? Isn’t that the reason for nannies. To quote Dorit, “I mean, really?!”

I’d go along with the time mix-up – except for one itty-bitty detail: Teddi also texted Dorit when she got to the bar, and according to the Bravo Reality Time Checker, that text was sent at a few minutes past 4. Meaning Dorit had a heads-up that their wires had crossed and she should’ve immediately texted back to say, “OMG – I thought we were meeting at 4:30 and I’m stuck doing something for work and hideously late!” Couldn’t Dorit have one of 32 assistants to handle that?!

Dorit clearly lacks the capacity for manners though – she married a sea cretin called PEEKY K Panties and she’s screaming obscenities at guests in other people’s homes. Also she threw a dinner party and severed canned chickpeas.

But seriously WHY did Dorit run to Kyle? Probably to seize the narrative in some pre-emptive attempt at damage control.  There’s no need to ask why pot-stirring Kyle took Dorit’s complaints back to Teddi, and then pretended to be alarmed by Teddi’s frustration.

The best irony is that they were meeting at a restaurant called, I kid you not, “Plan Change.” That was planned by shady production, right? And I have a feeling we’re gonna be talking about this plan change A LOT. Like all damn season. Let the #plannygate commence! (Hashtagging that now)

So far I like Teddi, but she seems too normal for this show. She’s like the audience member in a magic show who got pulled into the act. She knows she’s not really going to be chopped in half by the box of death, but she also no idea what trickery is allowing her feet and head be both truncated while attached. By contrast Dorit is a muppet; someone who has this approximation of what a wealthy eccentric should do and mimics it poorly because she lacks self-confidence.

Kyle spent about 3 million dollars to get new floors, but they look EXACTLY like the old ones! Was it wood-look tile? Then her dog secretly peed on them. Oh dear.

Kyle has sold two additional TV shows to big networks, but she can’t celebrate her success with her sisters and this makes her saddy-sad caftans. Ever since American Woman got picked up things are extremely tense with Kathy, especially, and she’s no longer invited over. Mauricio is also is ostracized after starting The Agency. Basically what Kyle wants is a mommy, and what Kathy wants is a sycophant and to always be the ‘sister who made it,’ and what Kim wants… maybe a talking rabbit?

Kyle first told her tale of woe to Erika, but Erika had more important issues to focus on after Tom’s car accident. I loved how after Erika reveals this, Kyle just sits there, visibly disappointed that they weren’t still talking about her.

Erika Girardi

Instead Erika was forced to confide in her paid pal, Mikey. Erika wouldn’t give any details about this car accident, but Tom had surgery and it turned him into a mere human! Now Erika has to do things for him beside be his attractive wife! She has to uphold those ‘In Sickness and In Health’ vows and the realities of marrying a much-older man are settling in. Someday Erika Jayne is gonna have to hang up her pleather boots and whips to wipe Tom’s drool in some huge suburban mansion… And she has no idea if she’ll get anything in return. Quel Tragique!

Next Kyle went to some weird exercise class with Teddi which involved standing on some machine and trying to climb it, yet going nowhere – a perfect euphemism for Kyle’s experiences with her sisters! Afterwards they discover 400 calorie juices (UHHH?) and Kyle shares Dorit’s perspective on #Plannygate. (or should we call it #LateGate?). Teddi is shocked by how Dorit has fudged the story to misrepresent the time discrepancy and alleviate her own rudeness. Kyle just sits there with her phony ‘UH OH what did I do?’ look, then runs BACK to Dorit to let her know that Teddi claims she was waiting there, alone with prosecco, for 54 minutes. Dorit is aghast that Teddi won’t admit to being the one who messed up the meeting time.

Kyle Richards

Kyle and Dorit got drinks and thanks to the previews I was expecting them to have a chat about Dorit’s atrocious dinner party behavior towards Camille Grammer, but oh no, instead Kyle cries about how Kim and Kathy don’t support her big dreams to exploit their family drama for TeeVee. At least Dorit was supportive enough to cry with Kyle over margaritas. Kyle should’ve been a better friend to Camille and said something about her hurt feelings.

Lisa Rinna

This whole time Lipsa is first in Canada for vacation, then in NYC guest co-hosting Kelly & Michael Ryan Seacrest. Harry Hamlin is playing Domestic Goddess at home and demanded Delilah learn to use the washing machine. These life skills are vital! Lipsa goes on a parenting tangent about how she can’t turn people loose in the world who have functioning skills which she describes as “blaaaa-aaaah-aaaaah”. So basically Dorit, because they may end up married to PK and wearing his shirts as mini dresses paired with bright purple boots she bought from the Erika Jayne Closet Liquidation eBay auction. Capped off with some sort of very terribly chopped bob that was clearly a bad wig of early Kim Zolciak nature. This is what Dorit wears to get drinks with LVP.

Camille Grammer

Finally Kyle travels to a different restaurant – her last – to meet Camille and Teddi for dinner. Lipsa will be joining them later after she decamps from her airplane. Why didn’t she charter a helicopter to land on the roof?

Before Lipsa arrives, Teddi fills everyone in on her Dorit Drama and Camille smirks that perhaps Dorit had been drinking in excess again. Camille dissects Dorit like she’s a filet of white fish, and describes her as an attention-seeking, loud mouth who drinks too much and is trying to find some relevance. Teddi dubs her antics “The Dorit Show.” Camille is humiliated that she introduced David to the group only to be called a Stupid C and a strap-on. Since Dorit is so into sex toys, Camille’s plan is to give her a ball-gag. I love shady Camille!

Kyle pretends to be scandalized that Camille insinuated Dorit has a drinking problem. She’s sens-si-tive about this, because KimKillah. If Kyle is so close with Dorit, why would she not defend her? Thankfully she did defend LVP and Ken against Lipsa’s mayhem…

Lisa Vanderpump Finds a Ken Look-A-Like dog

LVP was unawares that while she was finding the dog version of Ken, the real version of Ken was being slapped with a lawsuit for assault. Can the look-a-like dog go in his stead to court? This all came about because initially Vanderpump Dogs was partnering with another organization, but there was a falling out. Now the owner is accusing Ken of shoving her.

Lisa Rinna

Now, NO ONE, except for maybe Yolanda Lyme Brain Foster, believes Ken capable of assaulting a woman. INCLUDING Lisa Rinna – so why on earth did she bring it up? Especially after she and Lisa patched things up! It must be chalked up to a pathological diarrhea of the mouth. Girl, I get you, but serials – buy a Vanderpump Dogs Muzzle and strap those mighty lips down, cause that was just disgraceful and shady.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Plan Change

Meanwhile LVP takes Dorit out for wine and they discuss the situation with Teddi and Kyle’s family drama. LVP is surprised Kyle confided in Dorit because she’s usually the one Kyle shares with. Then LVP is the one who (FINALLY) gently informs Dorit that her behavior at Kyle’s was offensive and, even if she meant it as a joke, Camille certainly isn’t a girl who likes those jokes. Especially in front of her new boyfriend!

Dorit Kemsley

Dorit condemns Camille for having “no sense of humor” but LVP warns her to apologize. The wrath of Camille can take Stonehenge down like it’s a house of cards. Does Dorit really think she’s so funny? Does Dorit really think she’s above the rules of everyone else? Apparently so!

If I were Dorit I’d apologize to Camille by gifting her one of Erika’s “Cunty” necklaces. Or maybe a strap-on bedazzled with Camille’s name on it? You know, just to keep the theme going of people not getting Dorit’s ‘jokes.’

Details About Lisa & Ken’s Lawsuit With Former Vanderpump Dogs Partner!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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