Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: My Friendship Is Better Than Yours

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills led to yet another issue between Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump about defining the boundaries of their friendship. I see both sides of this argument. I’d also like to remind them that in the middle of their bickering is a little follicle-ly unstable blonde woman named Dorit Kemsley, who cannot and will not stop talking shit about everyone she calls a friend.

Actually last night everyone (*except Dorit*) was more human. I credit Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s influence. She’s chill, relaxed, absent of pretense, and despite being publicly scolded and denigrated over inappropriate stemware application, she STILL invited everyone to her ‘beach cottage’ for a potluck. Something about casseroles and dips puts everyone in a ‘let’s get real’ mood. Huddled around Teddi’s kitchen island, surrounded by pita chips served from Pottery Barn dishes, the women all showed their vulnerable and softer roots as opposed to their usual Febreezed exterior. 

I enjoyed seeing LVP open up to Erika Girardi in the limo and then earnestly share with Kyle and Dorit that yeah, they were crappy, insensitive friends who need to stop making everything about themselves. I also enjoyed seeing LVP apologize – sincerely and without prodding. Kyle was so shocked she almost cried again, but she’s gotten tough under her hairftan (that’s a hair kaftan) and instead simply apologized back. But whew did these two go round in circles about a point neither one of them could grasp from the other. Good thing that Dorit, for once, was preoccupied and didn’t try to mediate. Whenever Dorit gets involved, things go from bad to worse.

Lisa Rinna‘s daughter Amelia doesn’t want to be a grownup because it seems she’s quickly growing into being Lipsa – hustle and all. And really who would want that? Also she’s only 16. Maybe Amelia doesn’t want to drive because she just wants someone else to do it for her. Just like mommy bought her a career? Or maybe she realizes that it actually sucks to ‘have a career’ when you’re not even old enough to drive!

I don’t mind Rinna’s daughters. As far as Housewives children go, they’re inherently harmless and silly. I also have to give them credit for surviving Lipsa. After all, she has no idea what the f–k she’s doing but has 18 million pages of crazy dialogue to memorize and 6 seconds to do it and it all bleeds together into nonstop crazy (and QVC!). Plus, the mad-hair-cap attached to her skull has consumed crucial parts of her brain so well, basically she’s a mess, Billie’s a mess, and everything in Days, nights, and in The Middle of Lisa Rinna’s lives are all a mess. But at least she has a good friend in Erika! So, Arnold Palmer’s up.

Dorit Kemsley gets some tough feedback from PK

After a great party, PK teases Dorit that her singing was only good if you’re drunk and delusional. Since Dorit is both, she was pretty impressed with herself. Then she handed PK a $1,500 super-creep 3D figurine of her posing (in a micro-mini) with the kids, and in about 3 seconds flat, PK knocked it over and broke it. Poor porcelain Phoenix made like a bird, lost her head, and fled that metaphorical coop.

Meanwhile, Erika took a break from ‘playing Erika Jayne’ because of her period. While many women (myself included) turn into a raging rage monster, PMS transforms Erika into a lovable, motherly friend. Hence her inviting LVP to join her on the ride to Teddi’s beach house. I’ve long wanted these two Grande Dames to rally and join forces, and now it seems they’ve finally taken my advice. I am always right! Kyle and Dorit – watch it homies!

Teddi confides in Kyle

While Lipsa is taking over the world, everyone is taking mastery over their moronic issues with each other. Kyle and Teddi go shopping for $400 exercise pants (do they render crotch sweat impossible thanks to tiny vacuums?), and discuss what went down at PK’s party. Teddi doesn’t understand why everything constantly goes so haywire with Dorit (A: Because Dorit is the Teresa Giudice of the west coast). Especially because incidentally she thinks Dorit is pretty great, and despite being called “psycho,” actually had fun. Teddi believes the root cause is that Dorit won’t take accountability (duh – she’s a Real Housewife). Kyle is upset that she was accused of meddling when trying to mediate. Kyle faults Dorit’s inability to listen for misunderstanding her intentions. It is strange days indeed because, I 100% am on Kyle’s side here – Dorit and LVP were pretty much acting like a suitcase full of rabid puppies.


Teddi’s ability to ‘move on’ is pretty masterful. She should stop accountability coaching (clearly her practice on Dorit is ineffective) and host Real Housewives reunions self-help seminars about letting go of BS (and addiction to potato chips). Kyle, on the other hand, is meeting Dorit and LVP for dinner and plans to address their so-called problems.

Look who’s coming to dinner instead though? It’s LVP in a great mood! She just learned her doggy lawsuit was dismissed and cannot wait to celebrate with her friends. Her friends, who in addition to being over 30 minutes late, have other plans for the evening’s events.

Not two seconds into cocktails, Kyle is bringing up the yacht altercation. It goes round and round in circles until Kyle cries and LVP storms out. Kyle’s perspective is that Dorit and LVP were yelling at Teddi for something Teddi didn’t care about, yet were making it seem that Teddi was the one with the problem. Kyle, for once rational, tried to play ‘diplomat’ but found herself in the cross-hairs of Beverly Hills War 3000 (that should be a video game). When she tried to explain her feelings over dinner – and even brought out the ‘I feel’ statements, Dorit instantly argued that Kyle had no business meddling (re: defending Teddi). Yet, it was still OK for LVP to be involved? LVP gets upset over Kyle’s use of the words “attack” and “plotting,” so she leaves.

Kyle Richards

Do I think LVP and Dorit were plotting to gang up on Kyle? No. Do I think Dorit is an irrational nightmare? Yes. As for LVP… the lady has bitches on her mind, but not the kind who joined her for dinner! What I mean is, LVP wanted to rejoice in her lawsuit victory and occasionally jab into arguments for her just desserts. Kyle had valid points, but got whiny and insufferable about how LVP doesn’t love her enough – and it overshadowed the reality that Dorit is a really shitty friend who is solely responsible for all the drama.

Lisa Vanderpump leaves

After Dorit and Kyle chase LVP out of the restaurant, she tells them to F–k off because she’s annoyed enough to go home and presumably f–k Ken (or pet puppies; same difference). Dorit and Kyle accuse LVP of being pissy because the attention wasn’t all on her. Dorit, who is a psychologist now (she did diagnose Teddi as “psycho,” after all!), thinks it all goes back to Lisa’s parents not paying enough attention to her.

This revelation makes Kyle feel like her friendship with LVP is as nonsensical and incomplete as that kaftan-top she wore to buy workout pants. Like, she also had no idea LVP even had a jewelry line, yet Dorit modeled for it! Clearly this means LVP doesn’t love Kyle. Remember when Dorit came to dinner with a grudge towards Kyle? Well that changed!


So, Kyle and Dorit believe LVP is the attenton-starved, desperate person they actually are, and that the only reason she could possibly be upset, is because they weren’t paying enough attention to her? So instead of ‘adulting,’ LVP went a’toddlering by storming out? Projection much says Dr. Mary!

Teddi's beach house

It is only a Housewife who brings two piles of luggage, plus a buffet to a 24-hour overnight an hour from their house. Only a Housewife would also bring multiple fancy dress attires to literally STAY inside someone’s house. Kyle is drowning in suitcases while her dogs explore carnal knowledge and Dorit is late. Again. See Teddi was onto something when she voiced that Dorit doesn’t know time from a tinsel but will lie when it’s a convenient time to. Dorit doesn’t blame traffic, instead she blames the limo driver who apparently is the last remaining limo driver in the free world without GPS. She is very late.

After getting in with Kyle, Dorit requires a drink and then a decompressing gossip strategy about how to handle the problem of Vanderpump. Kyle is hurt because LVP doesn’t value her feelings, and just what if, she also doesn’t value Kyle’s friendship?! If there’s one thing Kaftans McGee cannot stand it’s being left out! Kyle thinks they should pull LVP aside to explain how immature she was for storming out of dinner and stiffing them with the check.

These claustrophobic yet schizophrenic friendships are sort of like the new floors Kyle paid too much to install. They’re exactly the same as what was there before, except strangely and more confusingly ugly, and she can’t wrap her head around how she got duped into it again.


Meanwhile, LVP brings a cake to the potluck and has a relaxed, sensible conversation with Erika about how her feelings were hurt when they flippantly brushed aside her lawsuit news to whine about petty arguments. “What can I say?” acknowledges Erika. “We’re petty.” Indeed. Lipsa who is over at Days playing a former drug addicted prostitute is having the easier time!

At least no one bickered about the rooms, but that’s where the good vibes stopped. LVP mentions the drama pretty much the moment Kyle and Dorit arrive. Kyle couldn’t even get Teddi to make her a fussy cocktail before she was bombarded by LVP’s accusations that they were callous about the good news. They were. But LVP still misbehaved.


Sometimes friendships get so complicated and obtuse. Like, why is Kyle turning a misunderstanding about wine glasses into a treatise on how LVP confiding in Dorit means she doesn’t value Kyle enough? And why is Kyle keeping score: she’s been LVP’s friend longer, therefore deserves to be liked more? Likewise, why did Dorit ruin her own husband’s birthday party, a party she labored over for weeks, by calling another woman a “psycho” over some glasses, then fighting with one of her “best friends” for trying to provide some reason? And then letting that initial altercation expand into a larger fight with LVP? Sure, LVP shouldn’t have stormed out and compared Dorit and Kyle to second-rate Ken Todds, but they are pretty insufferable.

Lisa vanderpump

The real rub is that Kyle should be pissed at Dorit for lying, name calling, and accusing her of something she didn’t do (and talking crap about everyone). But because LVP ditched them at dinner, she managed to upstage Dorit’s bad behavior, and now Kyle is focused on this and petty friendship score-keeping instead of the real drama. Because, Kyle girl, you had the upper hand: Dorit and LVP were ridiculous on that boat, and they were ridiculous in the restaurant by insisting you being involved in the discussion was totally not the same thing as LVP being involved. LVP and Dorit may not have been “attacking” Teddi, but they were bombarding the woman with their archaic drama about manners they clearly don’t have. And I’d like to point out that in the limo Dorit drank her wine out of a highball glass, and neither she nor the wine noticed!

If Lisa’s parents ignored her, Kyle is eternally the Kyle to Kim’s Kim Richards. Can’t Kyle be The Kim for once?! Can’t anyone love Kyle? At least Teddi’s relaxed atmosphere created the place for an honest discussion between LVP and Kyle.

But all’s well that ends well. Camille Grammer arrived being sanguine and lovely, and LVP actually came out of her hard shell, explained her feelings, then apologized for storming out. She also reassures Kyle that she doesn’t love Dorit more. Kyle apologized for ignoring LVP’s lawsuit and accusing her of plotting. I love seeing these women resolve this quickly and kindly! Meanwhile, I don’t trust Dorit at. all.

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]