Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: A Bella-Ful Mess

Alright so this is a cold day in hell because last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills had me feeling sorry for Kyle Richards. I was also Lisa Rinna bellowing across a bar “What happened?!” cause seriously I’d like to know how we got to the hot mess express and threw Kyle under?! Also, I am warning you: I have nothing nice to say about Dorit Kemsley.

The ladies are in NYC for Fashion Week and because Dorit has achieved the meteoric accomplishment of landing the cover of a magazine no one would’ve heard about were it not for Lisa Vanderpump previously landing a cover there. If you recall when LVP had her Bella Magazine party it ignited apology-gate with Eileen Davidson, and after Kyle and Dorit’s disastrous issues last night, it appears to me that Bella Magazine is bad luck for Real Housewives. It is better to be cover-less than covered in bad friendships!

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is Dorit’s outfit as she walked around NYC with LVP. A sweatsuit that has done battle with a sharp-fanged animal (Dorit herself?).

Seriously though, how prescient was that outfit because it was full of more holes than Dorit’s stories. It was like seeing inside Dorit’s brain. And it also looked like something Kanye West designed, then tore up in a fit of rage, but then decided it was FASH-ION so he put it on the models dying of heat stroke in a Brooklyn park, and phonies like Erika Dorit bought them.


The irony is that Dorit wears this get-up to ‘confess’ to LVP that she’s been talking shit about her and spilling her secrets all over town, twice on Sunday, definitely after rose all day, and to all their friends, semi-friends, and so-called friends. See, while mad at LVP for storming out of dinner, Dorit may have incidentally called LVP jealous over Dorit’s friendship with Kyle and blamed Lisa’s parents for not paying any attention to her. Dr. Dorit meant no harm, though, she was just upset, a little angry, and venting. Dorit does a lot of venting.

Lisa Vanderpump

During this confession, LVP doesn’t know what is going on, or even how she wound up sitting on a bench in the rain having a rambling conversation with this crazy woman wearing ripped up clothes and dumpster hair, who is literally talking constantly but saying NOTHING at all. Luckily LVP is accustomed to Dorit rambling off on tangents and blaming her “laser focus” on something or someone for whatever wrong she does. LVP only wants reassurance that Dorit is being honest and doesn’t have anything else to confess, and they are good.

Kyle, Teddi, & Camille

Kyle is having a very different experience over lunch. Mainly that she is spending time with women who have all their clothes, and all their marbles. Those women would be Silent But Deadly Camille Grammer and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, who has found her voice and is holding The World According To Dorit accountable. Thankfully. Teddi reveals that over dinner Dorit essentially called LVP “Jealous” “Needy” “Insecure” and broke her confidences. In between all this Dorit also reiterated to Erika Girardi that it was KYLE who was upset that she left Teddi’s beachhouse and proceeded to talk shit about her to everyone else. Kyle is gobsmacked, and she’s also positive that LVP will be very hurt once she learns of Dorit’s chatter.


Across town, Erika wears her sunglasses (they’re prescription, y’all) to a meeting with her publishing company and is just so excited to tell her story. Good for her!

Back at the hotel, everyone prepares to attend Dorit’s magazine party, except Kyle doesn’t really feel like celebrating Dorit – she actually feels like stoning Dorit at the altar of Chanel, then banning her for life from Kaftans Across The Globe For Me & You Too. Since that’s not a possibility, she invites LVP to her dressing room where she repeats everything she heard from Teddi about what Dorit said over dinner. (That sentence is a Real Housewives tongue twister if I ever heard one. Which I haven’t).

Kyle opens up to LVP

Kyle is ostensibly outraged on LVP’s behalf because Dorit is supposed be Lisa and Kyle’s BFF, and Kyle just wants to earn brownie points is trying to protect her good friend LVP. But in reality, Kyle is mostly angry that Dorit lied to Erika, implicating her, so she’s hoping that LVP will channel her outrage and betrayal into supporting Kyle when she confronts Dorit. Because Kyle plans to confront her so-called friend come hell or Bella Magazine parties held in her honor! Unfortunately Kyle’s plan mega backfired.


Lisa is suitably shocked by what she heard, and she’s also visibly hurt and angered, but she just bottles it up, nice and Pumptini-like, puts it in her pink velvet bag, and checks it for another occasion. Kyle, meanwhile, has no such self-control and probably should’ve consulted hardcore Teddi before going off the rails on Dorit. There are exercises for that Kyle, but you won’t find them at the bottom of your bell bottoms.

Dorit looks like a scared kitten on the cover of Bella. Maybe it was because she foresaw her future as the pariah after eviscerating LVP’s good will. While Dorit is flitting around, Kyle takes the opportunity to do some damage control with Erika. She assures Erika she was certainly NOT talking anymore shit than anyone else and was simply drunkenly expressing her thoughts. Erika dismisses her with an “all good.” Meanwhile, LVP confronts Teddi, who reiterates that Dorit most certainly called her needy and insecure, and suggested that LVP is jealous of Dorit and Kyle’s friendship. Teddi made sure to include that she doesn’t think Dorit is being malicious, just looking for attention.

Kyle just can’t keep her feelings for Dorit bottled up you guys. Kyle does not sweep things under the carpet. No, not her – she hair helicopters her way in, and then confronts this bitch. Kyle also doesn’t do splits anymore, but that’s another matter for another day, and one I am strangely sad to have to write about. Bring it back, Splits Richards. Bring it all back.

And here I am off on a Dorit-style tangent that has absolutely nothing to do with the ladies scurrying through the rain, under designer capes while clutching their purses, and begging for umbrellas from passersby so they can have their limo escort them to the next bar. Which has rats. Something Lipsa knows a little too much about. But, if you’re gonna have rats, let them be golden.

Only, Camille loves the rain and gleefully trots through it allowing her clothes to get soaked. Of course Camille loves a storm. Of course she does.

Initially, everyone is in a good mood – especially Lipsa, who is ready for Drunk Rinna to come out. Instead, it was Drunk Kyle crying into her tequila. But first, Erika had a little pay it forward moment! No, she didn’t take some of Tom’s gold and hand it over to the homeless Dorit – instead she informed Teddi that she could see up her skirt.

Teddi, as your friend, I can see your puss,” remarked Erika as Teddi sat down. Erika demonstrated how one doesn’t have to be pat-ronizing to let a fellow-girl know her puss is out. How peaceable was that, DORIT?!

Teddi responded by covering her lap with a jacket, and that was it. No harm, no foul, no panty-gifts and gates. But seriously, these women need to invest in underwear. I know it’s not as exciting as say a Baby Gucc. that looks like a slutoween costume a 21-year-old would wear to a frat party, but still – it’s a helpful thing to have.

Kyle confronts Dorit

I am here for the Fun Kyle calling Dorit out, though! And oh does she! Dorit has no answers for her behaviors, but instead denies, denies, denies like a politician. She also tries to obfuscate with more rambling stories to over-explain her bad behavior until Erika cuts her off. Erika actually kept redirecting Dorit to stay on message. It was all very strange. And what is Erika – The Dorit Whisperer?

Dorit held it together until it came to Teddi putting her in a strangle hold with her accountability lasso of truth. When confronted about why she tattled to Kyle, Teddi pretty much repeats verbatim what Dorit said during dinner, but instead of Dorit pulling a Lipsa and ‘owning it like she paid for it,’ Dorit mocks Teddi’s career and her manner of speaking. She also accuses Teddi of just wanting to cause problems. Dorit is an ass though, and thankfully Teddi didn’t play along. Girl is not out for blood, but she is out for sweat and tears. So, she came to the right place!

The weirdest thing was that LVP literally sat there and said NOTHING. She just watched on as Kyle wrangled for her and argued with Dorit; raged and cried. I actually haven’t seen Kyle this intense in any argument which didn’t involve Kim (and by-proxy Brandi because of Kim.). LVP simply refuses to acknowledge that it could be true that Dorit said all those horrible things. LVP claims her silence was because she didn’t want to ruin Dorit’s big night, but she looked unsettled.

LVP’s reaction left Kyle outraged. First Dorit betrayed her friendship and tried to ruin her relationship to Erika; and then LVP didn’t back her up or even acknowledge that she was taking one for the team. Their team. A team Kyle is now realizing LVP isn’t on. I mean, she never comes to practice, and when she does she wears the wrong shoes and is carrying a dog under her arm. When she should be helping Kyle carry her argument.

Lisa Rinna

Rinna is bored – she wants to have fun and she’s not having anymore of Kyle’s pity-party, so it’s back to the hotel to read Rinnavation. Or book her daughters for more modeling gigs while they’re on the toilet. What is it with these girls and toilets!?

In the lobby of the restaurant, LVP finally comes alive and questions Erika, who was present during the latest infamous dinner, about whether or not she’d be offended by Dorit’s comments. Erika refuses to answer, but later admits to Teddi that she would be a little hurt. Yeah right! Erika would be seeing Louboutin red! Her ‘ice queen’ act fools no one (except the sycophantic queens she surrounds herself with and Dorit).

Why is LVP letting Kyle fight her battles? Why is she pretending to trust Dorit emphatically? Why is Kyle running into the night crying because LVP offers to share a taxi to the hotel with the dreadful Dorit? Admittedly, that would piss me off, too because it’s just so confusing. Now it’s Kyle who feels invalidated, needy, insecure, jealous, and abandoned. She thought Lisa was her friend, but now it’s all failed alliances and so much more to the story than we’re getting. Which sucks. Even worse, Kyle recognizes that if the tables were turned and she were ‘The Dorit,’ there would be a drastically different reaction from LVP. Kyle believed she and LVP were formidable friends, but instead she has been rode hard and put away wet. Now she’s questioning everything – including LISA’s loyalty.

Back at the hotel, Teddi finds herself comforting Kyle who is SOBBING INTO A DISCO-BALL PONCHO. When no one else is looking, LVP quickly confronts Dorit that if she did indeed say all those things, Lisa would be hurt. Not just hurt, but really really hurt. Dorit denies all of it. Then she scurries away to bed, breathing a sigh of relief that she dodged a bullet.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: A Bella-Ful Mess

LVP doesn’t quite understand how she was the one called all these pejoratives and was gossiped about by a close friend, but it’s become all about Kyle and Kyle’s hurt feelings. Answer: Because, Kyle. Because Kyle is the one whose mother didn’t love her enough or give her enough attention, and Kyle is the one who feels permanently left out, abandoned, and insecure. However, if Kyle wants love, Lisa will smother Kyle with all the love her parents never showed her and this hug should indicate that LVP values their friendship. It’s not good enough for Kyle.

Well, at least Kyle never got so histrionic her purse ended up on the floor! Friendships out the door – fine; money out the door – nope!

Teddi tried. She did. She tried too much and toed the line into meddling in her effort to help LVP and Kyle talk through it, but alas it was futile. It’s futile to make Dorit see reason and take accountability. It’s futile to to expect LVP to express her true feelings. And it’s especially futile to make Kyle understand that she did the right thing in calling Dorit out (just maybe not the right time or place). For once, I wish there had been more Drunk Rinna.

Lisa Rinna Complains That Dorit Never ‘Owns It’ Like She Should


[Photo Credits: Bravo]