You would think after Kim Zolciak sent everyone – cast, crew, employee at the convenience store near NeNe’s house – a video supposedly showing roaches in NeNe’s bathroom, NeNe would be on a full-scale rampage. Instead she is calm and collected when she joins the ladies for brunch the next morning. It is everyone else who’s saltier than the
hairy balls olives NeNe was scared to eat!
Despite an all-night twerking session that was supposed to bond them, everyone hates the house and therefore is projecting onto each other. Since they are not staying in the deluxe accommodations fitting of a … used up trophy wife? they cannot cope. Cynthia Bailey is defensive because the house looked great online, but even she admits Air B&B is similar to Match.com in that what looks good in photos, often turns out to have mildew and a secret girlfriends in real life.
Eva Marcille tried to
suck up make it better by offering door-to-door room service like it was the Four Seasons, but even that can’t make up for the fact that Sheree Whitfield was sleeping on a cot in the basement. With a sweater over her head? Now that she’s slept in a room with bars on the window she and Tyrone have something they can really bond over. It’s these shared experiences, and putting yourself in your partner’s lace-less shoes, that really draw a couple together! (See: Love After Lockup)
By the time the women meet at the prison commissary for breakfast … Oh whoops, the stunning sun room where personal chefs prepare a delicious brunch, they’re just snarking at each other left and right similar to restless captives. Porsha labels it “Bitchy Brunch.” She was not wrong. The major topic of conversation is what everyone thinks of Kim’s roach revelation and if Sheree plans to confront her BFF about Brielle’s shady behavior. Answer: Hell NO! Because Sheree is scared of what Kim will text about her (and her roaches).
Eva apparently didn’t understand what RHOA was all about (re: ruining lives one salacious accusation at a time) when she signed on the dotted line and thought everyone would respect her boyfriend’s political aspirations by pretending she was Michelle Obama (aka scandal-less instead of scandalous), so she’s upset that Shamea Morton asked her about dating Missy Elliot, which was what the blogs said. Apparently this is “off-limits.” Limits? With this group? HA!
Speaking of, I’m sure I’m not alone in wondering what is wrong with Marlo Hampton? The obvious answer for why she won’t stop coming for people unnecessarily is that she’s seeking attention and screen time. Like Porsha points out her so-called “fun shade” is mean, and it’s also just so random. Marlo was telling Kandi Burruss she needed etiquette class, but now she’s telling Kandi how much she loves her and instead is making digs at Porsha (who is supposed to be her friend) over how she lied about Kandi last season. Apparently Porsha is an expert on “backpedaling” so she should understand Eva’s plight in lying about her past. Porsha an expert on something? That implies she’s done these things well.
Imagine everyone’s surprise when NeNe finally swans through the door, wearing a virginal shade of pale pink, to announce that she has found them all deluxe accommodations in a luxury hotel. Bye-Bye Budget Ms. Bailey!
The word “hotel” puts the the women in high spirits as they hit the town to frolic through the streets and meet eligible, floating, magical men to complete their retinue of invisible, mysterious, wealthy African princes. To say they have strange taste is an understatement. Watching Porsha laugh and be silly, NeNe remembers why they used to be friends and has a renewed appreciation for Tinky-Dinky Tot or whatever it is Porsha is going by these days in her SnapChat profile. Kandi is still NOT feeling this love, though.
Before they returned to the strictly sickly side of things, Cynthia had to get a dip in the lady pond out of her system. Cynthia is still trying to make this Fifty Cyn thing happen, and on her bucket list is “Kiss a girl,” and instagram it. Is Cynthia 50 or 15? Rhetorical question. First she asks Kandi to be her victim, but Kandi is done kissing her co-stars after last season’s ‘rapegate’, so Cynthia tries to coerce Sheree, but unless thy name is Tyrone, Sheree is not interested in “Sloppy Seconds.” Finally, desperate to make people like her again, Porsha volunteers.
Cynthia insists it has to be a tongue kiss, but Porsha is now rebranding herself back into the chaste church lady who does not touch meat of any kind, and gives Cynthia a peck on the lips. Too bad Cynthia, like the 15 year old she is in spirit, shoves her tongue into Porsha’s mouth and winds up licking her teeth. If this is what Cynthia is offering in the sex department, no wonder she’s attracting the likes of men like Peter and Will! But what’s good for the ‘Gram is good for the gander and it puts everyone in a great festive mood. Except surly, skunky Kandi.
Why was Cynthia wearing a T-shirt in which she listed herself as a 90’s supermodel alongside Naomi Campbell and Cindy Crawford. Is Cynthia’s memory going in her old age?
The agenda is touring Barcelona in these little go-Karts, which of course Porsha crashes. She blames faulty brakes, but everyone knows it was a faulty driver (and her 6″ stilettos. Whatever happened to Birkenstocks while sightseeing?). The ‘accident’ was a preview of the much bigger crash to come.
Porsha is feeling reckless. Over lunch she breaks her ‘baby vegan’ diet and eats octopus. Because when in Spain… Then someone has the bright idea to order an entire bottle of vodka.
We all thought NeNe was handling Kim’s roach accusation in a mature, laid-back way by ignoring the obvious sleazy shade, but after a couple drinks, her real opinion comes out. NeNe is rightfully disgusted that not only did Kim’s daughter take the video of the bugs, but that Kim didn’t stop Brielle from sharing, and even worse Kim ‘retained’ the evidence for months. NeNe is also furious that Kim’s “good friend” Sheree never told her to stop.
NeNe has every right to be mad. The whole thing makes no sense. Brielle apparently claimed she didn’t notice the
roaches waterbugs until she posted the video on Snapchat and her followers brought it to her attention. So Brielle was just so desperate to take a selfie she got ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR because there was no mirror over the sink in NeNe’s bathroom? But there was one on the floor? The whole thing is suspicious, and it’s even more suspicious that even though NeNe and Kim weren’t having ‘beef,’ Kim stock piled ammo (like the Handicapped parking spot) in case of future incidents.
While NeNe is spouting off, Marlo turns her attentions to Porsha to see if she is planning to confront Kim about her misbehavior. Porsha doesn’t think she wants to get involved since Kim isn’t really her friend, insisting she hopes NeNe and Kim can have a discussion. Maybe this is backpedaling on Porsha’s fault, but Kim isn’t really Porsha’s friend, so I can understand why she wouldn’t want to put herself in the middle of NeNe and Kim’s decades-long tit-for-tat bitch-a-thon.
Unfortunately, Porsha refused to answer Marlo’s question directly when she said “I don’t think so,” and that non-answer was also the wrong answer. Big time! Marlo demands answers and she demands them now. Cause she’s the FBI of Bravo, apparently.
Suddenly things take a very irrelevant turn, and Marlo is calling Porsha out for having a too small welcome mat by her front door, smelly breath. (Cynthia’s Ikea furniture also got brought into it.) Then Porsha started CRYING over the welcome mat dig because it was a gift from her mother?! HUH? How did NeNe’s roaches become all about Porsha and Marlo?
The entire time Porsha was holding this fan (another bit of eerie foreshadowing given Kenya Moore‘s early love for provoking props) because it’s so hot in Barcelona, and while she’s heatedly arguing with Marlo, she keeps flapping it around incidentally. Meanwhile, Marlo keeps inching closer and closer, and getting angrier and angrier. Once Porsha starts crying, Marlo wonders if Porsha cried over what she did to Kandi, then tries to snatch the fan out of Porsha’s hand and jerks her wrist. Porsha reacts by jumping up and is pulled away by Shamea and Sheree. Before Marlo can retaliate, security is in the background escorting them out of the restaurant. You can take the rotten peaches out of Atlanta, but you can’t take the rotten peaches out of the so-called ladies. I mean, really!? The entire thing was baffling, and it came out of nowhere.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with Ikea and we all know that Cynthia needs to stay on budget since her men do not. Second of all, why is Marlo USING Kandi to start fights with Porsha? Even Kandi is tired of everyone throwing their drama into the mix every time they have an argument with Porsha. Lastly, it seemed like NeNe was actually ON Porsha’s side in the drama because she knows Marlo takes things too far in arguments. Interesting!
Outside the restaurant, Porsha reveals that her bucket list included having an argument with someone unworthy, so she can cross that off! Meanwhile, corralled by NeNe, Kandi, and Cynthia, Marlo continues to scream about how Porsha is fat, with stinky breath. It goes on and on, until Kandi warns her that the police were called and they should leave.
As the women are packing to move to their hotel, Porsha comes to NeNe’s room to inform her that although she appreciated the invitation to Barcelona she has to leave early because no matter what she does she can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Meaning, the women just can’t seem to move past last season to give her another chance. Poor Porsha – living with consequences is hard!
NeNe, now in big sister mode and pleased to be considered the Head Peach In Charge that she considers herself, suggests Porsha admit to the entire group that she f–ked up last season – even though Porsha has already individually tried to apologize.
Recalling her days of Dr. Jeff, NeNe is reminded of what it’s like to be persecuted. Likewise recalling her days of friendship with NeNe, Porsha recalls some of the things she’s heard Marlo did to NeNe and has no idea why NeNe forgave her. But NeNe is obviously turning over a new leaf, because she’s forgiven Porsha as well. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results, I’d say both Porsha and NeNe are in fact insane!
NeNe encourages Porsha to stay, but Porsha needs to go home for more anger management – clearly. I think it’s a good thing that she leaves because Marlo will not let their argument die, and the rest of the trip would be a disaster. Plus, Sheree has already slept in a foreign jail (see above), and doesn’t want to do it again.
TELL US – TEAM MARLO OR TEAM PORSHA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]