Erika Girardi

What is wrong with the women of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Why can’t they just let things go and get along? This week’s chief beater of the dead horse was Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave. As she’s a horse lover she must feel terrible.

I’ve appreciated Teddi all season. She’s come across as logical, sincere, and not overly eager, but she and Dorit Kemsley are like a two-headed monster each biting their shared tail and each refusing to take ACCOUNTABILITY. They started out as friends until a small infraction came between them, which ballooned into a zeppelin and now they cannot stand botoxed hide, nor fake hair of each other. To this point I’ve mostly placed the blame on Dorit for having Rinna-itis. Dorit called it “rage and regret,” but I call it shoot your mouth off, then realize later that you probably should’ve kept your mouth shut, and backpedal the $3M dollar car you can’t afford into a ditch.

However last night Teddi reignited a deceased feud for apparently NO reason other than to cause issues between Dorit and Lisa Rinna! It was revenge gossip, or repeat and revenge. And it was petty. 

Also, Erika Girardi – ugh. Last week I really liked her and thought she was finally being real. This week, again, she’s back to plastic baubles and a complete mirage of sexuality and empowerment. Pretty mess is actually a pretty accurate. Also petty mess.

Eileen Davidson Is back

So first up it’s a blast from the past when Eileen Davidson showed up for lunch with Erika and Lipsa. Eileen has new bangs and still looks great, and frankly she seems relieved to be back to real soaps. Eileen is shocked that Erika and Lisa have no issues with Dorit, and that Lipsa, in fact, has no issues with anyone! Eileen checks their pulse, recommends a psych ward for the eventual collapse, and predicts that not only will the other shoe soon drop, but an entire over-the-knee boot will. Thanks Eileen for that burst of positivity. Actually it was fine to see Eileen. She’s never bothered me that much.

Kyle Richards

Kyle Richards has been renovating her home for months, and she just can’t live through this impossible situation any longer. Does anyone understand how HARD it is for Kyle to live in an 8,000 Sq-foot house and only be able to use half of it?! Luckily Kyle happened to notice another home The Agency was selling; a larger, fancier, house with all the trimmings she wants her beloved house to have but isn’t willing to wait for, so she’s NOW thinking of moving. I can’t with Kyle. To quote Erika “Crybaby”: I wanted a fancier house and now they’re fancying it, but that’s too hard!

Obviously Mauricio and Kyle decide to buy the new house. Because even though Portia is the only child they have living at home, Kyle apparently needs A LOT more space. Kyle is ridiculous. And she’ll just tacky up the new house with all her garish clutter and Faye Resnick-ized decorations, so what is the point? The most shocking thing about any of Kyle’s scenes was witnessing her eat a bite of white rice. I’ve never seen any of the other women consume empty carbohydrates!

Dorit Kemsley swimwear meeting

Dorit meets with her swimwear partners, who will also be producing the collection. The line is now called Beverly Beach by Dorit. “Beverly Beach” is a fictional place and lifestyle created by Tori Spelling’s Dad in Dorit’s mind. It’s just so perfect, because Dorit is living in an illusion and thinks she’s selling people on this idealized facade. I am confused here because PK is doing all the business stuff (And chose the name), and Dorit has a partner who is producing the product and working with their designer to create it, so basically the only thing Dorit did was pick the colors?! It’s basically playing Fashion Plates by Crayola. Also PK came up with the name and concept, but at least Dorit got the opportunity to wear a Miami Vice suit to a business meeting, so yay for serious stuffs!

Lisa Rinna

The drama starts when Teddi gets her nails done with Lipsa. They’re having a nice chat, and Lipsa is marveling that after all of last season’s atrocities, she and Dorit had dinner one-on-one and actually got along wonderfully! MOST people (Like ME) would be rejoicing that I no longer have to hear endless complaints about this monotonous argument, but Teddi’s ‘conscience’ has some sort of accountability moment and she feels she must confess that THREE MONTHS AGO after Vegas Dorit and PK said some shitty things about Lipsa, like that she’s schizophrenic and suffers form “rage and regret”. Dorit also warned Teddi to stay away. Even Lipsa is like really? Three months? That was like a whole filler cycle ago. Who cares? Let’s focus on the now. She doesn’t take the bait. Thank GOD.

Then Teddi has lunch with LVP and reveals what she told Lipsa. Now Teddi just really wants to have a one-on-one conversation with Dorit where they air all their grievances without a cacophony of harpies interjecting, and finally lay their issues to rest. LVP, smirking into her Vanderpump Rose, thinks this is an excellent idea. I’m really liking LVP this season. She seems less guarded and contrived. Keep it coming!

Meanwhile Dorit visits Erika and they complain about Teddi. Dorit and Erika are cute friends together, so it’s a shame that they seem like they’re also toxic influences. Dorit is annoyed that Teddi is sucking up to LVP and thinks she’s doing it to spite her. Erika sneers that the only thing they have in common is riding horses together. For instance, Dorit thinks Teddi and LVP were in cahoots by serving her wine in a green cup at LVP’s birthday. In reality Teddi had nothing to do with this, but Dorit, feeling rejected, is now seeing it as Teddi trying to usurp her place in LVP’s affections. Erika seems to enjoy the fracture between LVP and Dorit, which is dangerous. For Dorit.

Erika & Dorit

Essentially Dorit is feeling duh, duh, duh… “JEALOUS” and “NEEDY” in her friendship with Lisa. I think the expression Dorit is looking for is “karma is a bitch”. Erika doesn’t understand – why would anyone want to feel needed or loved by their friends? She just pays people, or threatens them into submission. Except when it’s Tom –  then she bows down only to the geriatric protrusions bank account.

Erika also shot her book cover. Cause she is woman, hear her roar! Or rather hear this Gucci Tiger sweater.

Anyway, obviously we know Teddi’s honesty is going to bite her in the ass like the Gucci sweater grew actual teeth. And, of course, it does!

Since everyone is getting along so well, Lipsa was inspired to do a girl’s night. Beforehand Teddi, ever-humbly seeking honesty in a world of faces and personalities made of plastic, calls Dorit to suggests they ride to the drinks together have a talk. A talk about how every time they talk it just goes round and round in circles with each of them thinking the other is to blame for what was said. Dorit, appropriately, rolls her eyes.

I get Teddi’s idea. Dorit has a habit of saying nasty things about people, which Teddi has an unfortunate habit of repeating, but when Dorit is confronted she has a nasty habit of trying to blame the whole thing on Teddi for running her mouth. It’s a series of unfortunate miscommunications. Dorit likes to put words in Teddi’s mouth; Teddi likes to take words out of Dorit’s mouth. And they’re constantly feeding their own two-headed monster with gossip and mirth. They both need a ball gag, Camille.

Everyone is having fun at the restaurant until a sullen Dorit and Teddi arrive. Obviously the limo ride did not go well. Dorit is now pissed that Teddi admitted to trying to reinstate a feud with Lipsa, and questions her motives. I agree with Dorit there – that was ridiculous. Teddi doesn’t want to bring it in the group because the entire point of the limo talk was that the discussion stayed between the two of them. However it’s like Dorit was invasion of the mouth snatchers with Lipsa, and literally cannot stop talking. She immediately pounces on telling everyone that Teddi was trying to cause problems to make her look bad. Dorit actually talks about Teddi to the other women like Teddi wasn’t even there. It’s a Beverly Beach By Dorit world, and we’re all just living in it!

While Teddi is being publicly scolded by Dorit, Erika smirkingly asks how she’s getting along with everyone. Mean.

Dorit & Lisa Vanderpump

The reality is that Dorit isn’t really upset about the Lipsa incident. What she’s really upset about is that Teddi told Kyle what Dorit said about LVP, and it got back to LVP, thus creating REAL problems in her life.  LVP tries to defend Teddi’s reasonings, but Dorit snapped that she can’t wait until next year when Teddi twists LVP’s words and actions all around, and she’ll be walking in Dorit’s Louboutins. Lipsa, ever the astute sociologist, notices that a newer, cuter puppy has replaced Dorit in the Vanderpump Menagerie, and her name is Teddi Bear. This is true, but Dorit was banished from the bed for not respecting the pack order. LVP may be over the incident, but she’s also now aware that Dorit has been secretly peeing in the house that feeds her. Bad bitch, indeed, Dorit (and not in a cunt-y empowered way!)

Dorit insists that no one except Teddi (and LVP and Kyle) felt that her comments about LVP were hurtful or mean, but Camille chimes in that she actually did. Which prompts Teddi to mention that Erika also admitted her feelings would be hurt if a friend said those things about her. Erika has no recollection of saying this, which is probably true, but Teddi calls her out for “pretending full amnesia.” Through clenched teeth and with a threatening tone Erika finger-waging scolds Teddi not to “EVER” call her a liar. Erika looked like Mummy Dearest combined with a Disney Villain.

Erika scolds Teddi

It’s not WHAT Erika said – she may have “Rinna’d” and not remembered what she said – but it was HOW she said it. Who thinks it’s acceptable to speak another adult like that?! And what has Teddi ever done to Erika? Erika has been mean and nasty to her since day one, and it’s pathetic.

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave is shocked by Erika

Teddi is shocked. Instead of telling Erika to change her tone right quick, she sits there looking slapped. It’s LVP who tells Erika to knock it off and calm down, then decides this party OVER. Good for LVP! She was the only one who stood up to Erika’s preposterous behavior.

As everyone is leaving, Dorit notices that Teddi is very upset and tries to comfort her. As Teddi walks to her car she starts to cry and Dorit tries to go after her, which was very nice, but Erika snaps at Dorit to “leave that.” “That”? Erika is gross. It’s again LVP who goes into rescue mode. A sobbing Teddi is upset that once again everything got turned around to be her fault – although she admits bringing up the Lipsa thing was a total mistake – and she’s also upset at how Erika spoke to her. Teddi doesn’t understand why Erika would get upset if she genuinely doesn’t remember, but LVP points out how it looked without defending Erika’s tone. Erika meanwhile has no plans to apologize to “Miss Crybaby,” cause she doesn’t deserve it.

Wasn’t Erika crying over her period? And her panties? Miss Plastic Rhinestone Pants needs to stop.

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]