Last night was part 3 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. Which means this season of interminable squabbles about protocol and etiquette at the queen’s court of public opinion, an unintentional farce from the court jester, is over. Thank you Dorit Kemsley for your tragicomic contributions to Reality TV – we salute you with a beer stein filled with cheap champagne.
So last night the ladies of Beverly Hills trotted out their plethora of headache-inducing shiny dresses for the last time to bicker over such impotent social slights as who talks about themselves the most (the answer: always and forever Kyle Richards) and the definition of a liar. For the record, I really dislike recapping reunions. It’s like following a verbal tennis game and I always want to activate closed captioning on my TV to catch all the shady little barbs, except I don’t actually know how to turn that on. Maybe that’s a good thing?
However, as far as reunion installments go, this one was far better than the first two fender benders. I mean, at least there was some action! Unfortunately, most of the ‘action’ involved these ladies being in denial about their psychological tropes.
Take Kyle for instance. Kyle seems to use RHOBH, and now scripted television dramas showcasing highly-idealized versions of Kyle’s life that she’s using as an F-U to big sister Kathy Hilton, as therapy.
Of course, Kyle denies this and pretends she just wants to share her story with the riveted, begging masses but her meanie older sisters just don’t get it. Kathy and Kim just don’t want Kyle capitalizing off the feathers in the Kathy and Kim’s caps by besting them to cashing in on Big Kathy drama. Kyle believes that once Kathy sees American Woman she’ll change her mind and become a big fan. All together now, let’s do a big laugh at that silly delusion!
Sadly Kyle does all TV preening in lieu of getting actual therapy, which I guess she doesn’t need to because Lisa Vanderpump sits there, stroking her little dogs while absently listening to Kyle prattle on about her insecurities over Birkin bag colors and family baggage. That is pretty much the gist of Kyle and Lisa’s friendship. Kyle projects the relationship she wishes she had with Kathy and Kim onto Lisa, while Lisa treats Kyle like one of those naughty dogs you might passive-aggressively dye hot pink. Even the astute Dr. Rinnavation took a break from her weird role as Erika Jayne Pussy Patrol leader (aka guard dog) to notice the complexities of Kyle and Lisa’s dynamic. Although Lipsa has also become some sort of LVP obsessee so talk about underlying issues! I liked the old unhinged Lipsa better!
Maybe Kyle is no different from Erika Girardi in trying to paint this idealized world which everyone knows is far from the truth, but they both hope we’ll just go along with?
The hilarious thing is that Kyle seems SHOCKED when Lisa admits their relationship is 90% about Kyle talking about Kyle as a reason to explain why Kyle has no idea who Nanny Kay despite after 10+ years of friendship. Later LVP will, in fact, compare Kyle to a little sister and Kyle will get all misty-eyed because she’s currently not talking to Kathy (although LVP is… and now Kathy is also confiding in LVP about her family drama. Basically: FREE LVP FROM THE TWISTED SISTERS RICHARDS).
Other than Kyle’s 35 millionth emotional breakdown the only other thing of note was Erika showing her true colors – again – it’s not pussy, it’s asshole. (Self-admitted!) Oh, the irony of Erika, a grown woman who spends the majority of her life dressed in costumes and playing make-believe, lecturing Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave on how to be an adult… I mean, right?
Erika complains that Teddi pretends to be this innocent “fallen in the forest” damsel in distress who needs rescuing, but really that’s just Erika wanting to see herself as the huntress (cunt-tress?). Erika excuses all her contempt by picking on an off-phrase Teddi used, seemingly without premeditation, and trying to twist it into some sort of character assassination attempt. Would Erika have an issue if Teddi accused her of having simply “amnesia”? (Yes. Erika would have an issue if Teddi called her a “pretend blonde”. Don’t call her a liar!)
Teddi apologized for the “pretend amnesia” comment. Immediately! Which literally NEVER happens in the Housewife universe. After all, it was Erika who, like Teddi said, inserted herself into Teddi’s argument with Dorit because Erika wanted an opportunity to have a go at Teddi. Now Erika is blaming Teddi because she slipped up and showed an unseemly side of herself. See, Erika only likes to have her ass out if she’s playing Erika Jayne, not if she’s pretending to be Miss Above-it-all Erika Girardi.
Erika is a riddle wrapped in a shroud of denial and I don’t really care to figure it out, but what she’s doing goes beyond rudeness into the pathological territory – everything Erika accused Teddi of being and doing, are actually things Erika herself is doing, as even Andy pointed out.
While Erika was going along accusing Teddi of not being able to take ownership, she sat there spinning her own excuses like someone operating a paddleboat when the other paddler is a kid who doesn’t know left from right. Erika apparently doesn’t know left from right, or right from wrong, or Erika Girardi from Erika Jayne, whose fantasy world is bleeding all over the beach house sheets of reality. Which is Teddi’s fault? Or, whatever? I think Erika has me super confused.
I did LOVE seeing LVP squash Erika’s nonsense by not only defending Teddi but calling Erika out directly for her rude tone and outsized reaction. Even Kyle, who has a history of quaking in Erika’s wake, stood up for Teddi by admitting that she thought Erika went too far. Cause DUH.
The moral of the story is that Erika needs to get over herself and see about getting group therapy with Kyle. I’m Team Teddi on this one. Also, Lipsa, the Erika apologist, needs to go sit in the corner with a dunce cap over that Golden Girls hair.
Dorit’s still amputated at the neck by LVP. Which she fully and thusly deserves. Lipsa and Erika using Dorit to try and come at LVP over her magazine decision fell flatter than paste diamonds. I do wish LVP would’ve just told everyone she wasn’t going to reward Dorit’s bad behavior with a gorgeous photo spread, so she decided to just focus on her jewelry instead. I mean they’ve all heard of Pavlov’s Dogs, right? This is LVP’s Pets. Pretending it was a magazine decision intended to avoid negativity was ridiculous. The focus of the spread was supposed to be on the jewelry, LVP tried to do Dorit a solid by putting her face in the magazine, but Dorit was a diva so LVP repaid her by going back to focusing on the jewelry. End of story. No further explanation needed.
In the end, though LVP rallied for Dorit and told everyone that although she talks too much and doesn’t remember half the drivel that pours out of her wine-sodden lips, Dorit is a good person who means well so we should give her another chance. All the bobby pins in all the world couldn’t make me like Dorit, but thanks for the endorsement LVP! Maybe I’ll adopt a Vanderpump Dog instead?
Kyle and Dorit also promise to work on their friendship because deep-down, despite the snippy comments and confused conversations, they do love each other. That’s nice. So Dorit wins-ish in the end. Teddi and Erika also vow that they’re good now that they’ve hashed it out. Basically, Teddi has accepted that Erika is unpredictable and not anyone she wants to befriend and Erika feels she’s righted the cold fish equilibrium she wants to portray?
All in all, this was a mellow season, which I (and seemingly I alone) didn’t mind, but it’s time for some shaking up of the cast. I say keep Teddi, move Erika along since she oh-so-clearly doesn’t want to be part of the show anymore, and either have Lipsa return to her former shit-stirring splendor or move her along too. Also, whatever happens in this universe and all the alternate reality ones DO NOT BRING BRANDI BACK. I probably shouldn’t even put that out there, huh… it might come true. Oh god – the horror!
TELL US – FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS REUNION? WHO SHOULD STAY AND WHO SHOULD GO?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]