I am loving Real Housewives Of Dallas but I’m weary of this constant and perpetual game of telephone between LeeAnne Locken, Brandi Redmond, and D’Andra Simmons. Ladies – just text already, it leaves a written record.
I mean personally, I blame LeeAnne. She went on this tangent about how she was turning over a new amygdala and is gonna Start. Over. Then when Brandi, who don’t get me wrong is terrible all on her own, tried to do just that by suggesting they put everything from last season behind them, LeeAnne was like “No. Cause you hurt me.” This from the woman who decided Cary Deuber should just get over LeeAnne accusing her husband of cheating on national TV. LeeAnne, karma has come in the form of an L-22 fury wearing a deflated balloon as a shirt. D’Andra purchased it at net-a-porter and it cost all of the $200 left in her bank account. This is how mad D’Andra is – she wants you to see her coming from 10 miles away and will blow her every last cent to do so.
Anyway, first a tongue twister: Brandi meets Bryan for brunch with Bruin and gets a Bellini. This is to prove that Bruin was not some trap baby intended to “save their marriage” as LeeAnne supposedly suggested, but Bruin literally shits all over that sweet moment (and himself), but whatever, they seem happy enough. Or at least Bryan does now that Brandi has hired
someone to babysit her a nanny who feeds the kids vegetables instead of Lucky Charms. Brandi too is much happier now that she can pretend she doesn’t have kids when she wants to go out drinking! And a well-hydrated mommy is a happy mommy. Until she meets LeeAnne at the grand opening of a laser spa, that is!
D’Andra is back in Mama Dee‘s good graces. Kinda. She’s slowly taking over the company but this time they’re working together. Unfortunately, D’Andra is too distracted by LeeAnne drama and Mama Dee is here to warn her about this lil thing called PRIORITIES, D’ANDRAAAA, PRIORITIES. Like where’s that L-22?!
Mama Dee had perfect advice here when she told D’Andra not “to give a dog’s rip” what LeeAnne is doing with her wedding when she has been procrastinating on this L-22 for a year and still hasn’t gotten it together, bitch. (If this doesn’t prove that D’Andra treats LeeAnne the way Dee treats her, I don’t know what does…) D’Andra is complaining about LeeAnne deflecting, and what’s she doing again?
Then Mama Dee essentially told D’Andra to channel her frustration into firing people and leave LeeAnne alone, because it really doesn’t matter if LeeAnne is married or not, or what her reasons are. Mama Dee making sense is like the head-spinning in The Exorcist. And her face is pulled so tight her nose practically is in the back of her skull.
While D’Andra is wearing a clown costume in this scene (so apt!) Mama Dee knows how to keep things in check and not let anyone see you sweat about something trivial like the $200 accusation. Mama Dee probably has that much sitting in the glove box of her Bentley for parking meter money. However I feel there is something much deeper than what we’re hearing about this and much more must have been said. Either that or D’Andra was looking for reasons to hate on LeeAnne… Anyway, D’Andra decides to take Mama Dee’s suggestion to just live and let lie with LeeAnne. Because after accusing LeeAnne’s fiancé of cheating on national TV D’Andra doesn’t want to ruin their friendship.
LeeAnne has a “boozy lunch” with Rich to discuss the only things they ever discuss: their wedding, Brandi, and D’Andra. LeeAnne is now focusing on her dress and invited Stephanie Hollman, her buddy of 16 seconds, to go shopping with her. So F-U D’Andra! Of course Rich doesn’t care what LeeAnne wears. LeeAnne jokes that if she announced she’ll be walking down the aisle in nothing but heels and jewelry he’d clear his schedule to get married tomorrow. Except he can see that literally every day in his living room since y’all LIVE TOGETHER and presumably have had premarital sex. If not, then there may be a point to D’Andra’s allegations… Anyway, blah, blah, blah – LeeAnne is hurt by D’andra and doesn’t want to ruin their friendship either, she thinks D’Andra put Brandi up to the notion that LeeAnne is jealous when she’s so not, and she blames Brandi for everything and is upset that D’Andra has been sharing things with Brandi… Blah, blah, blah…
We also met Stephanie’s sister who is a combination of a cast member from Sweet Home Oklahoma and King Of The Hill. Stephanie describes her as “Travis with a twang,” then, to illustrate how different their lives are, announces that she has handbags which cost more than her sister’s mortgage. I guess Stephanie is still not over the time her sister peed in her shampoo. Stephanie also recognizes that she’s co-dependent with Travis and compares this to how her friendship with Brandi was before she got a backbone and stopped letting Brandi throw poop at her and call it a joke. Now Stephanie is going to tackle her lack of independence from Travis, which I think is technically called “Divorce.” I kid – these two seem super happy together and I like them as a couple.
Unlike Cary and Mark. I do not like them as a couple. And my opinion like sooo matters! Cary and Marc host a party to launch their new laser center which is named after lemons, aka the way your lips will look when they’re done with you. Mark is nervous about trusting Cary, who built this business after deciding working was way better than being a Stay At Home Mom. Even when you have a nanny. Co-sign on that (not the nanny bit)!
The first people to arrive are Kameron Westcott wearing literally a tent, and LeeAnne who is wearing a bandaid with a giant Gucci belt over it. She’s also feeling awkward about encountering Mark after all the comments she’s made about him over the years, but Cary and Mark are determined to make this launch drama-free, and LeeAnne’s money is as good as anyone’s, so Mark is cordial and professional in greeting her. Mark outta teach a seminar to other Housewives!
Then D’Andra and Brandi show up and all hell breaks loose. D’Andra is literally wearing another tent and it emerges that she and Kameron purchased their shiny tents on the same website (REI for rich bitches?). D’Andra probably sold a Starbucks gift card Mama Dee gave her as a reward for being an all-star employee then used the proceeds to purchase this golden garment as an affirmation of her self-worth. Or maybe the gold was to remind everyone else that she’s worth more than $200 dollars! Too bad LeeAnne doesn’t read between the lamè.
In what I do believe was an honest attempt to get their friendship back on track – at least from D’Andra’s perspective – those two decide to talk by themselves. D’Andra looks on the verge of tears the entire time, but LeeAnne has an agenda and that agenda is to reinforce just how terrible Brandi is by illustrating how she’s a loose-lipped, trashy, drunk repeating things she heard from D’Andra with the intent to further drive a wedge between. Also D’Andra ain’t gonna be in LeeAnne’s never-nuptials if she don’t shape up!
I mean, LeeAnne, we get it: you don’t like Brandi – but um, it’s not her fault y’alls friendship is f–ked.
Meanwhile, Brandi tells the rest of the group that LeeAnne claimed she adopted Bruin to save her marriage. Kameron doesn’t believe it. Not for one minute. LeeAnne would never do that! Did Kameron have a lobotomy after last season?
Kameron defending her friend is nice – we know she feels passionate about charity – but we also know the only reason Kameron is on LeeAnne’s side and spending time with her is because she doesn’t want LeeAnne turning on HER! Mama Westcott would not approve and something tells me she may be on par with Dee in the scary department…
D’Andra started out taking Mama Dee’s advice to just smile and nod; agreeing with all LeeAnne’s comments about how D’Andra shouldn’t be repeating her suspicions to Brandi. She agrees to stay out of LeeAnne’s beeswax, UNTIL LeeAnne suggests that D’Andra and Brandi are nothing but drinking buddies and she has concerns about how much they’re drinking together. In Housewives-land “Concern” is the codeword for I needed an excuse to embarrass you on TV. Because in case we didn’t know (we didn’t) D’Andra has struggled with alcohol abuse in the past!
Then things go very, very, very dark when D’Andra shares that her biological father was an alcoholic who shot himself in the head while drunk, so LeeAnne should know better than to EVER make accusations about D’Andra being an alcoholic! Yikes. D’Andra had decided their conversation is OVER when Cary and Kameron came to check on them and D’Andra practically ran out of the room, shaking with rage. Which gives Kameron the opportunity to let LeeAnne know how Brandi is twisting her words.
D’Andra hightailed it straight to Brandi and Stephanie to immediately reveal that LeeAnne called her an alcoholic which she knows is a line NOT TO CROSS given D’Andra’s father’s history. I really need to hear what Mama Dee has to say about all this!
No one seems to know what to make of the war between D’andra and LeeAnne, which has gotten so low-down dirty and personal that everyone – including me – feels icky even talking about it. Well, Brandi seems overjoyed to see LeeAnne exposed for her dirty tricks, but everyone else has some shame. The bottom line: these are NOT the type of allegations you make or insinuate on TV without very just cause (think Richards, Kim). I know LeeAnne didn’t outright call D’Andra an alcoholic (yet), but LeeAnne well knows what buttons she was pushing, just as D’Andra knows better than to insinuate Rich is unfaithful and make LeeAnne’s relationship look sketchy. It’s gone too far!
Rather than fight with LeeAnne a visibly upset D’Andra (and I actually believe she was that shaken) leaves the party, but LeeAnne isn’t done taking care of business. She confronts Brandi to clear the air. LeeAnne explains that she wasn’t saying Brandi adopted Bruin to save her marriage, she was making a comparison in response to Brandi’s claims that LeeAnne isn’t happy and is hiding something. I think that’s fair and true. Brandi, however, is so blinded by her feud with LeeAnne that she refuses to see logic. Instead she insists that although LeeAnne may not have said it directly, putting the notion out there is just as bad. Oh, honey, it was already out there, waving a flag!
Almost immediately Cary plays referee and tells them no arguing at the party or they both go to bed with no dessert.
On the way home, Brandi tells Stephanie that LeeAnne is using their so-called friendship to upset her and warns Stephanie not to trust LeeAnne’s intentions. This hurts Stepanie’s feelings because she lives in a land of My Little Ponies and believed LeeAnne really liked her and had changed from a gloomy black cloud into a rainbow! I think it’s a little of both. Just like I believe that even though D’Andra and Brandi enjoy each other’s company, their new-found BFF’dom is also to unsettle LeeAnne. Stephanie hit the nail on the head when she said LeeAnne and Brandi are both to blame (and neither will be taking accountability any time soon!) for all the drama.
I have to say this show goes to the mat in a way that is channeling Real Housewives Of New York! Whew – bring it, ladies!
Next week it looks like things get GOOOOOD! LeeAnne tattles on D’Andra to Mama Dee and Kameron’s MIL makes an appearance to lecture D’Andra on keeping up appearances. The big dogs have arrived and they don’t nibble on that Sparkle crap.
TELL US – DID LEEANNE GO TOO FAR? OR DID D’ANDRA DESERVE THE COMEUPPANCE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]