Mother Debbie was in NYC filming 90 Day Live this weekend. The care and feeding of Colt was left to Larissa. As it turns out, things did not go well (more on that news later in the 90 Day Fiance recap). Meanwhile on last nightâs 90 Day Fiance, we were presented with information about Coltâs bedroom behavior that we can never un-hear, and visions of the hellscape of Ericâs apartment that we can never un-see. So, letâs do a wellness check. My fellow viewers, are you still with us? Are you okay?
I personally also need Asuelu to blink twice if he needs help. Because this dude is surrounded by enemies, yo! This week, Kalani tells us that Asuelu is âtrying to do the dad thing,â which he also demonstrates by taking baby Oliver to the park. Kalani is naturally nervous to see Asuelu interact with the baby. This is especially true he tries to push him in a swing thatâs too big for him. Sheâs not used to sharing parenting duties â or the compromises that come with them.
We learn that Kalani plans to take Asuelu and Oliver to Kalaniâs familyâs second home in Utah, where theyâll apparently live rent-free until they can get on their feet. Kalani quit her job and spent all of her money on the K1 Visa process, and Asuelu canât legally work yet. SoâŠgood plan? Now itâs becoming clear why the family is losing their minds over this situation.
Kalaniâs parents will be staying with them in Utah for the first two weeks, and her brother will live permanently with them. HUH? Methinks Kalani is in constant need of an official âhandlerâ and Brother Kalani is next in line for the role. Asuelu just hopes Kalani can keep her hands off of him during her parentsâ visit. Allegedly, she canât get enough of Asueluâs hot bod. âBecause Iâm sexy moves!â he says. Ahem, as witnessed at the airport. Â
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Before they leave for Utah, Kalani invites Sister Kolini over in one final attempt to make peace. Over a plate of charcuterie and red wine â which Asuelu NO LIKEY â Kolini straight up asks if he cheated on Kalani? Asuelu explains that he saw other women when Kalani went back to the States the first time because they werenât committed. In fact, Kalani even told him âI donât like brown men, only white men.â WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. HELL.
But when Kalani returned to Samoa (with news of her pregnancy?), they decided to commit, and Asuelu swears heâs been faithful ever since. Kolini decides to believe him, warning Asuelu that heâs on probation with the family and better not step out of line. Um, excuse us? Where is the outrage for Kalani acting like a world class asshole to Asuelu about not liking âbrown peopleâ???? I CANNOT WITH THIS FAMILY. #FreeAsuelu Â
Sigh. These two sweet kids are like lost (pregnant) puppies, and I donât know whether to give them a hug or punish them for peeing on the carpet. Sure, theyâve made mistakes. But theyâre just so earnest! Anyway, itâs time for Olga to head to the hospital. Sheâs having contractions and is officially in labor. Steven is still not allowed in the birthing room â or any room â with her, which raises his anxiety to about 1,000.
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After Olga tells him he must go home and return the next morning to ask for written permission from a hospital director, Steven reluctantly agrees. He also points out that the hospital is scary as f**k, a sentiment with which I fully concur. These night time shots of the atmosphere say less âWelcome, new mothers and sick persons in need to medical attention!â than âWelcome to American Horror Story: Asylum!â
The next morning, Steven navigates the 6-hour red tape required to allow him in the room, and is relieved to learn that Olga hasnât given birth to their son yet. Then â more unexpected news! The doctor says Olga wonât be able to deliver her large baby naturally, needing a C-section instead. She and Steven seem too stunned to fully process whatâs happening as sheâs wheeled into the OR, and Steven is left behind once again. Will he be allowed in there? Previews suggest he might be, but weâll have to wait to see.
Top news item: Itâs cold in PA, and Jay successfully purchased a coat. Truly, Ashley and Jay seem to be thrilled living together, and she even throws him a sweet surprise party to welcome him to the U.S. Only one hitch: itâs hosted by Ashleyâs friend, Natalie, who hates Jay with every fiber of her being. So, letâs twerk!
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At the party, Jay thanks everyone for showing him mad love, but is quickly deflated when Natalie pulls him out on the back porch for a verbal ass whooping. He asks her why she told Ashley he cheated on her in Jamaica? Natalie intimates that she âknows the truth!â and will not be letting it go. Jay never come right out and denies cheating (and neither does Ashley, which is veeeeerrrrrry interesting), but he does maintain that his relationship is FINE now, so leave it alone.
The next morning, Ashley and Jay talk about the problem of Natalie. Sheâs not going to let this cheating thing go, even if they have. So a decision must be made. And just a few days later, we learn that is has â in the form of Ashley cutting Natalie right out of her wedding and her life! OMG. Later on at a bridal shop with her remaining bridesmaids, Ashley cooley remarks that they wonât be needing that 5th bridesmaid dress after all. Natalie is dead to her!
The other bridesmaids, who incidentally, have been waiting patiently on deck throughout Ashleyâs multiple engagements and wedding plans over the years, cower in fear of their own necks being slashed soon. Theyâre all, YEAH, WE SUPPORT YOU AND JAY 100%!!!! as they sip their champagne with shaking hands. DudeâŠAshley donât play. And I kind of love her for it.
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Since Fernanda has been stuck in a dirty ranch with no friends for a week, Jonathan decides to reward his bride to be with a quick trip to Myrtle Beach. Fernanda is thrilled, even if the beach doesnât compare to what she has back home, and is excited to go clubbing with Jonathan later that night. Jonathan doesnât even care that it takes Fernanda 17 hours to get ready, heâs so enamored with a woman of her caliber being draped on his arm in front of Myrtle Beachâs finest.
At the club, all does not go well. Since she canât legally drink in the States, Fernanda has to sip Sprite while Jonathan gets increasingly sh*tfaced and sloppy. But itâs when she heads to the bathroom that all hell breaks loose. Hereâs the short version of events: A blonde chick dances up on drunk Jonathan, who tries to tell her âI canât dance with you, Iâm engaged,â but blonde chick doesnât understand. When Fernanda sees blondie grinding away on her man, she goes NUTS â something Jonathan claims Fernanda does regularly at clubs when sheâs jealous.
Fernanda storms out, screams at Jonathan to give her the keys, then runs off while he drunkenly (and unsuccessfully) calls after her. COME BACK, FER! Cue AbbaâŠCan you hear the douche, Fernanda?
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At the car, Jonathan tries to explain himself â he wasnât trying to hit on that crazy woman! But Fernanda is incensed, wondering why sheâs even in America. Does he want to marry her? Is he really committed? Sheâs alone here and feeling insecure. I mean, her first week in the U.S. has been laced with crusty thongs and sweaty women grinding on her man, soâŠ.I get it. Now all Jonathan can do is hope to calm her down before theyâre arrested for public disturbance in this parking lot. *cue the police sirens* Â
Alright, we have to address this. The off-camera real time drama thatâs going on with Colt and Larissa right now supersedes anything on the show. To recap: Larissa posted videos on Instagram this weekend of a trashed house (shelves overturned, flowers on the floor) and claimed Colt did it in a fit of rage. Then she claimed Colt disabled her phone and she was frightened. Police were called to the house, initially handcuffing Colt, then arresting only Larissa on domestic violence charges.
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Later on, Colt posted on IG that Larissa suffers from âsevere anxiety and depressionâ and was essentially freaking out over nothing â although sheâd claimed she was upset because many women were messaging Colt and he loved the attention. Larissa also alleged that Colt tried to keep her âhidden,â even intimating that they pretended to be fighting because it âgot him more attention from women.â In the end, Colt explained that when a domestic disturbance call is made in Nevada, someone must be arrested, and that person ended up being Larissa. But itâs unclear what THE ACTUAL STORY is here. Suffice to say, itâs a sh*tshow of epic proportions. (Meanwhile, Mother Debbie was/is is NYC for her 90 Day Live appearance, posting messages on social media asking people to âleave them aloneâ and back off. HOLY SH*TBALLS!!!)
Okay, now on to the showâŠ
While Colt is at work, Debbie and Larissa venture out in the unairconditioned car to go couch shopping. Only one hitch: Larissa isnât allowed to make any decisions without Colt. And â prepare thyselves: Colt and Mother Colt SHARE A BANK ACCOUNT AND A CREDIT CARD. Thus, we learn how deep the dysfunction of this Norman Bates scenario goes. Colt and his mom âhave had their thing going for quite some timeâ and donât plan on changing it on account of a small nuisance like a WIFE coming into the picture. Naturally, Larissa is disturbed.
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When they pick Colt up from work, Debbie rats Larissa out immediately. She wanted to buy a couch without you! she tattles. Colt flatly responds that MOTHER is right, and Larissa essentially needs to obey their every command. Larissa, who doesnât even warrant $20 flowers at the airport, is obviously annoyed, but also outgunned. She snarks that, FINE, sheâll obey the rules. What other choice does she have with this power couple? You know, thereâs a lot of #TeamColt peeps out there, and I get it, but for me it comes down to a lack of respect for your new life partner. Colt needs to man up and talk about finances with Larissa, not preach his rules (with mom as his sidekick) at her. Heâs a perpetual man-child, and both mommy and Colt like it that way. GROSS.
But grosser still? The conversation Colt and Larissa have with Coltâs cousin and wife at their house later. Indeed, we heard things we can never unhear, people. We conjured up images that need to be forever bleached from our brains. Yes, it happened: Larissa commented on Colt-teeâs âhigh sex drive.â <dry heave> <gag> <rocks in corner> <sucks thumb> I WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM THIS MOMENT.
Also, Cousin Colt thinks Colt is royally screwed with this chick because, in his estimation, sheâs just a gold digger. He pulls no punches in asking Larissa the uncomfortable questions that all 90DF side characters ask, but in the end, Colt just shrugs his concerns off. He plans to keep this woman around, if only to torture her a bit more before resuming his primary relationship with MOTHER. For her part, Larissa thinks Cousin Colt is a rude P.O.S. â and sheâs not wrong about that.
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Oh god, the depressing sh*tshow of Ericâs mid-life crisis continues! After Eric forces Leidaâs family to spend the night at the rented âcabinâ in PA (where everyone sees evidence of just how disturbed Alessandro is by Ericâs presence), he drives the whole crew across the damn country on the saddest expedition ever known to man. As they drive, Leida hears her family commenting on Eric. âThey say you look older than your age,â she laughs at him. To this I say, THANK YOU FAMILY LEIDA. We are in full agreement on this matter.
Once in Baraboo, Eric tells us heâs rented an apartment for Leidaâs family: 1) because there is no room for them at his hideous pigsty, and 2) because he wants to keep them away from said pigsty AT ALL COSTS. Before taking Leida over to view the brutal nightmare that awaits her, Ericâs family (including his ex-wife) are awkwardly assembled at the rented apartment to welcome Leidaâs family to the country. Oh lordt! The scene is just as painful as the following screen grab revealsâŠ
Leidaâs father and sister, Reina, ask if Eric plans to support Leidaâs quest to practice medicine in the U.S. UmâŠsure he does! Right after he successfully masters the basics of life like brushing his own damn hair, using a broom, and laundering his clothes â all feats which seem to have eluded him heretofore. Hmm. At least weâre getting a sense of Leidaâs master plan though, right? She just needs U.S. residence to become a doctor. She says itâs a profession that doesnât pay much in Indonesia but will guarantee her a comfortable life here.
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Hereâs something else that doesnât guarantee her a comfortable life: DWELLING IN ERICâS STANK ASS HOVEL. She learns this immediately upon being whisked away to the apartment, which is completely trashed and likely smells like a foot. Loser that he is, Eric blames the entire scene on his daughter. But the catastrophe within is only part of it. We ALL know Eric lives like this all day, every day, and Leida will quickly come to find out that living without butlers/maids/chauffeurs is the least of her frigginâ worries now. Basically, she just needs to avoid head lice and chiggers.
To fully understand this gruesome scene, letâs review the procession of reveals, as experienced in the actual horror movie. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ericâs apartment, a nightmare in five frames:
Leida cries on the porch after the tour, straight up telling Eric that her family is going to pulll a Not Without My Daughter move and haul her ass back to Indonesia if they witness this place. Eric brushes Leidaâs concerns off, shrugging and telling her sheâs just âmaking a mountain out of a molehill.â Given what a colossal pain in the rear this woman is, the panic in Leidaâs eyes is somewhat satisfying, but DAYUM! No one deserves this fate. Â Â Â
Writerâs Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON WITH LARISSA & COLT? WILL LEIDAâS FAMILY TAKE HER BACK TO INDONESIA? CAN KALANIâS FAMILY EVER ACCEPT ASUELU?Â
[Photo Credit:Â TLC]