On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County it was a reversal of the status quo. The Tres Amiga’s took their party hats off to stay home in pant hose. Gina Kirschencasita celebrated her 34th birthday with a depressing party filled with tarnished sequins.
Gina is officially moving into the casita when Matt Kirschenheiter visits their kids. This makes it, like, for real you guys. It’s time for her to grow up and, like, look at the like bank statements for the first time in her entire life. Kelly Dodd, Gina’s divorce guru, helps her cart baskets full of HomeGoods throw pillows and cheap blankets to the part-time living arrangement. It’s sort of like moving into a college dorm!
Emily Simpson thinks the part-time casita creates divorce purgatory. Kelly thinks it’s better than divorcing, getting engaged to someone else, getting back with your ex-divorce partner, and then ultimately getting re-divorced. I mean she’s not wrong…
Kelly spies a picture of Matt. “Why are you divorcing that?!” she scoffs, but then decides this could work to her advantage because Matt makes “good leftovers.” She can wash it all down with a nice cold glass of milkman.
RELATED: Kelly Dodd Says Emily Simpson Came After Her During Real Housewives Of Orange County Reunion
While Gina has sorted out the casita color scheme she’s still not sure how to tell the kids what’s going on. This, however, is not Kelly’s area of expertise. Talking about how Gina got burned by Tamra Judge she can do, but actual like life advice – nah.
Meanwhile Tamra visits a post surgery Vicki Guvalson, who is making guaze head wraps cool again. HA – I’m kidding. “F–F–king Gina…” sighs Tamra the second she sits down. She’s furious that Gina was making her look like a bad friend by telling Shannon Beador everyone is talking about her batshit crazy behavior.
Is Shannon crazy in Jamaica? Is Shannon crazy in OC? In a plane? In a Feng shui living space? Wearing a 1970’s muumuu? At a concert for her kids’ band? At a QVC station, if she can? Here, and there, and anywhere, Shannon’s crazy everywhere! So what I’m saying is duh – Shannon should not be shocked that people are calling her wackadoodle.
Vicki scoffs that nobody should be talking about Jamaica. Jamaica is so over! So who cares if they trash-talked Shannon under the influence of Red Stripe. Now they’re all back in the U-S-of-A where the truth is flexible and they’re all fake friends. To punish Gina for trying to speak the truth they decide to boycott her upcoming sequined birthday party in favor of a PJ party at Vicki’s.
RELATED: Tamra Judge Puts Blame On Gina Kirschenheiter For Conflict With Shannon Beador During The Real Housewives Of Orange County Cast Trip In Jamaica
Interestingly Gina claims Shannon came to her to ask what the other women were saying about her, because she needed to know for her custody case. That sounds… suspicious, but everything about Shannon is suspicious.
Kelly’s daughter Jolie is performing in Oliver Twist. So Kelly uses opening night as the opportunity to show Michael Dodd what he’s missing by wearing a 1970’s gold lamè shirt. “This is like a PG show so you shouldn’t be showing your boobs,” lectures Jolie. Michael and Kelly get along great. They are much better separated than married. Michael actually looks great too!
In the run-up to the finale there needs to be a million dumb senseless parties to ‘prove’ these women are friends who do stuff together but gives them ample opportunities to fight. Emily has a cup reading party, which is just the latest incantation of Bravo psychics meeting psychos. Give it up – you’ll never recapture RHOBH season 1 Dinner Party From Hell!
Tamra isn’t sure if she believes in psychics now. Maybe because the cup reader isn’t a wannabe pop star predicting Vicki lied about cancer? I mean, but it could also be because Tamra found Jesus!
Shannon and Vicki, who still look like crash test dummies, aren’t attending obviously, which means Tamra is forced to represent the Tres Oldmigas solo. Which is a problem, because almost immediately Gina and Emily start talking about how frustrated they are with Shannon.
Gina is done trying to chart the path of Hurricane Shannon. Gina is too busy like going through like “real shit in her life” – like she has to figure out way to lie to her kids about the casita! She doesn’t have time to be Shannon’s friend of convenience.
RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Cast Member Gina Kirschenheiter Thinks She Is The Scapegoat For Tamra Judge & Shannon Beador To Deflect From Their Issues
Emily complains that Shannon twists everything they say into something negative. “Shannon takes little pieces of information and feels like you’re attacking her,” Emily explains. Tamra isn’t sure what to believe, because it’s not like Shannon is Vicki and has a pattern of lying, but it’s not like Gina is like her – a complete and utter shit-stirrer! What’s a girl to do but drink some Turkish coffee and pretend they don’t want to find Jesus in the grinds!
The tea reader didn’t find Jesus, or the secret to eternal youth, but she did see Eddie [Judge] and Tamra going through a rough patch. She also predicted possibly, maybe, perhaps – she’s not sure – splitting, maybe due to divorce or maybe someone could die. She definitely saw Gina getting a divorce, or at least signing some important papers (a credit card receipt from HomeGoods for A Single & Sexy throw pillow?), but the most important thing she saw was that someone who’s name begins with “Sh” needs help and it is Gina’s duty to help Sh.
Obviously the SH is meant to be Shannon. The only person with SH who Gina should be helping is her-shelf. Or possibly Shane Simpson, according to Tamra. So many screwed up SH’s to choose from!
RELATED: Vicki Gunvalson Says Gina Kirschenheiter Is A Pot Stirrer “Trying To Make Her Mark” On Real Housewives Of Orange County
Vicki’s son Michael Wolfsmith makes a post-surgery visit and he is not impressed. He wasn’t supposed to know about the latest facelift. Kelly FaceTimed Michael to show him the staples in Vicki’s head. That should be the family Christmas card, for sure. Michael wasn’t supposed to tell Briana [Culberson], but of course he did, so now Briana is freaking out. “We don’t want you doing anymore shit to your face,” lectures Michael.
Of course Vicki promises she won’t get anymore surgeries, but her promises are definitely made to be broken. As long as she is living in the OC, she will use her face as a science experiment if she wants to. None of that is surprising in the least, what is surprising is the revelation that Vicki still has a life insurance policy out on ex-husband Donn Gunvalson and she made herself the beneficiary. And this is completely legal. I hope Donn is visiting his attorney!
It’s time for Gina’s 34th birthday where the theme is sequins, aka “pretend I can have fun for 5 seconds without tawkin’ about my divorce.” That would be a great birthday present for ME anyway. In the middle of getting ready with her girlfriends Gina’s son calls because he got the game ball in little league.
She starts crying about how she’s a bad mom who is missing everything and it’s just. not. fair but this is the realities of divorce and like she’s gonna get divorced… UGH. What Gina is really upset about is that this year she won’t be getting any fabulous birthday presents from Matt. Last year he took her to Newport, but this year she’s only getting a 2 am phone sex invitation.
RELATED: Gina Kirschenheiter Attributes Shannon Beador’s Behavior On The Real Housewives Of Orange County Cast Trip To “Jealousy Issues”
But Gina can’t cry no more, because, “I feel like tears are for after 40.” Even though she needs to grow up, she doesn’t want to be like an old granny!
That’s for the the Tres Abuelas! Instead of going to Gina’s party, Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon have a slumber party. It is full of all the fun stuff: pasta, enemas, and support hose. Not necessarily in that order! Tamra arrives at Vicki’s wearing a house coat, curlers, and old lady Madea makeup. To really get the party started Steve gave Vicki wine instead of Xanax. That was for his own sanity – he was probably hoping it would also rub off on Shannon. Maybe through polyester house coat osmosis?
Tamra was so distracted by her grannification she competently ‘forgot’ to tell Gina she wasn’t coming to her birthday party. She just didn’t show up. Oops. Gina and Kelly keep wondering where Tamra is. Her chair sits vacant among all the tacky Emily put on the table at some random restaurant in Orange County where dreams of cougars are made to be broken.
Vicki, loopy from Xanax, is feeling the love. She loves how deeply Shannon feels things. “Shannon is not crazy. She has a colorful rainbow personality, that God gave her,” says Xanax Vicki. Vicki loves Tamra. She loves all of Tamra’s everything, but mostly her forgiveness. This forgiveness has brought them to lifelong best friendship.
RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Vicki Gunvalson Says Gina Kirschenheiter & Emily Simpson Are “Obsessed With Being Friends” With Shannon Beador
Tamra also brought CASSEROLES. Longtime Real Housewives of Orange County viewers know how much this means to Vicki. Tamra proved once and for-all that Vicki is forgiven and loved. Vicki is overjoyed.
Tamra also brought enemas since Shannon was having trouble pooping post-surgery, and David Beador isn’t there to help get things going this time! Vicki lucked out with Steve being the Nu-David, willing to invade enema territory.
Both Kelly and Gina keep calling Tamra, wondering where she is. Like maybe she had a sequin malfunction or is now bedazzling a broken foot boot? The girls are several drinks in. They are not happy with her lame excuse for being a no-show. Emily yells into the phone that these old timers should just go play bridge. She says they should be “put out to pasture.”
Shannon is offended to the highest extent. She does exactly what Emily says she does. Shannon takes the smallest thing and manipulates it into something much much bigger with far more meaning.
Tamra hangs up the phone she tells Shannon that Emily sees “simulatrities” between Shannon and Emily’s severely mentally ill mother. Obviously Shannon is furious. Nobody puts Shannon in a corner with compression hose! And David will certainly not be the one driving her there!
TELL US – WILL GINA EVER GROW UP? WILL TAMRA, VICKI, AND SHANNON BE FRIENDS IN 20 YEARS? IF YOU WERE ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY, WHICH PARTY WOULD YOU ATTEND?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]