Last night, Shaun Robinson attempted to tame the wild beasts of the Season 6 90 Day Fiance cast. Alas, only Asuelu Pulaa came out unscathed – although we can’t be totally sure about his boohole situation. As the entire motley crew sat down for their traditional Couples Tell All reunion special, one thing was apparent: Eric Rosenbrook and Leida Margaretha are still the absolute worst. No contest.
The reunion started off with intros all around, minus Colt Johnson and Larissa Dos Santos Lima, who decided to get there when they damn well felt like it! At least everyone else decided to show up for their ritual hazing, starting from left to right: Ashley Martson, Jay Smith, Kalani Faagata, Asuelu, Jonathan Rivera,Fernanda Flores, Eric, Leida, Steven Frend, and Olga Koshimbetova via Skype.
Keep in mind that this Tell All was filmed back in November, so we’re seeing these the couples at the end of filming, but not at the end of watching their season air and hearing viewer responses. All that said, they’re definitely a sh*tshow just the same. And even though everyone is wondering where Larissa and Colt are – especially since the arrest – Fernanda is already hoping to face off with her enemy. Turns out, she’s been sniping back and forth with Larissa on social media lately and wants to put her in her place. “I think she should go back to Brazil,” says Fernanda before her butt even hits the couch.
Shaun announces that TLC is “hopeful” that Colt and Larissa will be joining them for the 90 Day Fiance reunion. Nevertheless, they have plenty to catch up on before those crazies enter the premises. After a video-walk down memory lane, Shaun launches into her questions for Kalani and Asuelu first. Kalani says they had a whirlwind romance in Sam-WHOA, which causes Asuelu to start sobbing uncontrollably about saying goodbye to Kalani the first time. And the way Fernanda is looking at Encino Man right now is exactly the way I feel every time Asuelu cries. THE ANGELS CRY.
But Ashley isn’t touched by TLC’s little flashback montage. She wishes she could go back to her pre-Tinder days with Jay, but oh well. She doesn’t trust Jay anymore, even though it appears they’re still together. As for Jay, he obviously hasn’t learned his lesson yet because he’s still making pathetic excuses about how he “almost” cheated.
Cue the tape rolling on everyone’s issues! We relive everyone’s arguments, including Leida’s constant threats about leaving Eric if she’s not made a PROPER priority. Now faced with the hideousness of herself on the big screen, Leida is contrite. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding! She’s still an a$$hole who thinks stepkids are a pain in her butt, and doesn’t think 90 days isn’t enough time to decide to marry someone.
Jay agrees, but is shot down by Ashley. “You’re lucky you had 90 days because it only took you 93 to screw up.” BURN! Ok, let’s launch into this. Why did Jay sign up for Tinder the day he returned from the wedding? Jay’s excuse: He just thought Tinder was a place to meet friends
who have sex with you. Okay, guys. Let’s pause here for a full five-minute belly laugh. This dude is a moron. “It was just a misunderstanding,” whines Jay, who thinks that accepting responsibility means saying “I f**ked up” and his wife just forgetting all about him being a lying liar who lies.
In the end, the real question is why is Ashley still with him? She says that she just can’t make a decision yet, but at least hasn’t applied for his “adjustment of status” in the U.S. yet (is this the Green Card process?). Although Ashley doesn’t know where things will go from here, she sure as hell doesn’t want to be legally responsible for his trifling a$$ for the next ten years. Jay swears he’ll walk the line from now on. Or until he gets a new password for his iPad.
“I’m not dealing with this!” barks Ashley, then walks off to school Jay off set. He needs to stop making excuses, which is embarrassing and childish. It might help Ashley to remember that she basically did marry a child, and this is sometimes what you get when you go trolling for the D on vacation and end up with an insta-hubby. Not that she deserves ANY of this, but it bears mentioning that marrying a kid means, well, you married a freaking kid.
Speaking of kids! Steven and Olga are put on the hot seat next, with Steven trying to defend his gross behavior this time. It’s pretty apparent that everyone in the room thinks Steven is a piece o’ sh*t, and would probably choose cheating Jay for their kickball team a hundred times over Stevey boy. But Steven still thinks he deserved more “thanks” in Russia. He also feels no need to apologize for ANYTHING he said or did to Olga during filming. All together now: Steven suuuuuuuuuucks.
Even Asuelu calls Steven out for behaving like a wretched beast to Olga, a new mother who was recovering from a C-section and learning to breastfeed while being screamed at for not “being appreciative enough.” When Asuelu tells Steven he shouldn’t need a thank you from his fiance just for stepping up as a partner, Steven’s all “It’s called RESPECT!” Oh no he didn’t! Not to my Asuelu!!!! For real – I think we’d all be totally cool with Asuelu accidentally doing a traditional Samoan stomp-dance all over Steven’s face right now.
Shaun tries to deflect the rest of the cast’s rage against Steven by throwing him a lifeline. “Was it just because you didn’t know each other that well?” Steven is not mature or wise enough to even take this help, still arguing that he was “doing a lot for her.” Olga quietly offers that she’s learned more about being a mother since then, and they’re trying to all get along as a family. Then she holds up baby Richie, who’s now seven months old and a cutie patootie, for the cameras.
Steven at least admits that he lied about starting the K1 visa process, but doesn’t seem to regret it at all. He wanted to get to know her before bringing her to the U.S. Okay – fair enough. So why lie about it? Steven evades, saying Olga’s “hormones” would have sent her over the edge knowing the truth. Kalani stupidly agrees, thinking Steven just protected her. Whatevs.
And now for the biggest farce of the night: Steven announces that he didn’t need a sponsor to apply for Olga’s visa because he was able to earn all of the money himself, like a big boy. As he basks in the applause everyone gives him, we can all sit here reflecting upon the $15k GoFundMe this nitwit just started for childcare expenses. America, this is the face of self-sufficiency. How do you say “Congratulations, Scumbag!” in Russian? #AskingForAFriend
Luckily for Steven, the entire stage bristles with electricity and the tightening of booholes when news breaks that Larissa and Colt are on their way! No word on Cookie Dough’s ETA. Before they arrive, we boomerang back to Kalani and Asuelu again. Sister-Daddy Kolini comes on stage with baby Oliver (who could not be more adorable!) and watches as tape rolls on the feud between her family and Asuelu this season.
Although Asuelu wishes Kalani would have stood up for him more when he was being attacked by her family, Kalani just lamely explains that she “sides with the people who are right.” WTF?! Kolini also still feels like she stood in as Oliver’s father when Asuelu wasn’t there, and both Kolini and Kalani expected Asuelu to financially contribute when he was away. Contribute WHAT? Coconuts? Interpretive dances? These sisters are CRAY. Maybe making the gesture of contributing would have meant something though, so okay, but Kalani should have asked Asuelu for what she needed when she needed it. Instead, she trash-talked him to her family. Thus, this is what she gets.
Before Colt and Larissa get to set, Colt talks about how stressed out they are
with the horror of his Instagram d*ck pics, but feel ready to throw down with the rest of the cast – Fernanda, in particular. Meanwhile, Jay starts to b*tch about Colt and Larissa wasting everyone’s time. He also wants someone else to get the heat off of him. Bring out the Colt!
Not yet. But Fernanda does dive into why she and Larissa are beefing. Yes, it has to do with Instagram. And yes, nearly 90% of the drama this season was manufactured OFF air on this particular social media platform. If you’ve been following along, you are likely as exhausted as the rest of us. And you probably need an entire Lisa Rinna pill bag. Bottom line: Fernanda didn’t think Larissa should be joking about her arrest, which caused Larissa to go nuts on Fernanda, calling her “boring” and essentially telling her to butt out.
But until they face off, Fernanda wastes time commenting on her own trivial relationship issues with Jon. She explains their fight over Jon’s 45-minute beer date, which was (and is) ridiculous, and Jon laughs about “the Fernanda storm” that erupts in their household from time to time
every single day. Jon wants Fernanda to grow up and stop being so jealous and insecure. Hmm, maybe he shouldn’t have married a teenager, then? Just a thought. <eye roll>
Larissa and Colt arrive backstage without Larissa’s luggage in tow. “I lost my baggeeee and my makeupeeee!” cries Larissa, who feels unprepared to confront her haters. “I don’t go there and face all these b*tches if I don’t have anything fabulous to wear,” she complains. Ok, people: Someone needs to BRING HER RED BAG WITH HER MAKEUP!!!!!! #NeverForget #Anfisa4Eva #OG
Next up, it’s time to discuss how disgusting and awful Leida and Eric are, starting with Leida’s views on child support. Everyone on stage
and on Earth thinks that Leida is a P.O.S. for trying to get Eric to stop child support payments. Even Leida admits she was a “selfish b*tch” for the way she acted.
Leida also claims to love Eric and that she isn’t just married to him to get a Green Card. She claims to not like seeing her behavior on screen this season, and regrets it. Thus, we must wonder: Why is she still acting just as vile on social media? Hmm. In any case, Eric thinks they have a real relationship too…even if it is with a hideous witch. Fine. Have a ball in Baraboo, Eric! She’s alllllllll yours. Go split a cheesesteak six ways and live it up.
Moving back to Jon and Fernanda, both feel like tensions have eased with Jon’s family since filming. And Jon admits that healing the rift with his mother has been important, and something he’s still working on – especially after not having initially told his mom about his engagement to Fernanda. Jon hopes to change all of that now, tearing up about how much he loves his mom. This, naturally, makes Asuelu cry. And Fernanda cry. And ME cry when Jonathan and Asuelu bro-hug it out! Gah!!!!
Backstage, the crew tries to outfit Larissa with a dress of her liking, but she gets increasingly heated, hating every single choice. She wants to enter the Thunderdome looking hotter than Fernanda (which she outright says she is), and not just any old frock will do. Finally (after multiple SHE WHO IS AGAINST THE QUEEN WILL DIE meltdowns) she chooses one and is ushered out to the reunion stage with Colt and The Purple Shirt toe-stepping after her.
“I know I’m looking sexier than Fernanda,” says Larissa. “So I’m feeling ready to do war.” Ashley just hopes she doesn’t backhand Larissa, who only has a Colt buffer between her and the rest of the cast. After Shaun welcomes the new couple, Fernanda says she felt more comfortable before Larissa arrived. “Shut up! Shut UPEEE!” screams Larissa, calling Fernanda a string of names, then telling her no one cares about her.
“Show respect, you f**king brat!” shouts Larissa after Fernanda tries to defend herself about her Instagram comments. Then Colt, who seems to think he has a point other than the one on his head, pipes up to shade Jon about buying Fernanda new breasts, a car, etc. I mean, he doesn’t even spring for AC in the car – let alone more biggie boobs! “That’s pathetic,” says Colt.
“What’s pathetic?” laughs Jon. “You live at home with your mother!” Okay, Jonathan just won me over for life with that comment. He wins. The end.
While Larissa continues to scream her head off and Colt physically restrains her from further arrest, Jay jumps up to calm the crowd. Meanwhile, Asuelu slaps his ears in actual pain and despair. He can’t take it! This is NOT PROPER in Sam-WHOA! And we can’t really take it either, so we’ll take a break until this confederacy of dunces continues in part two of the Tell All. Prepare thyselves. It only gets more stupider from here.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHO WAS THE MOST NUTS ON THIS TELL ALL? WHICH COUPLE WILL GO THE DISTANCE, AND WHICH ARE DOOMED TO FAIL? DO YOU WANT TO SEE ANY OF THESE COUPLES ON 90 DAY FIANCE: HAPPILY EVER AFTER? THOUGHTS ON SEASON SIX, OVERALL?
[Photo Credit: TLC]