This week’s Love After Lockup was filled with engagement rings and
cringeworthy public spectacles weddings, but not a happily ever after moment in sight. But there was crack! Yes, CRACK. (As in: is whack.) And I think I can speak for most of us when I say, Clint WTF are you doing, you fool? Take your Clint Bucks and run back home to Mama Clint before you are literally murdered in a hotel room!!! Sigh. Methinks Clint is not long for this world.
Before we spiral into the Clint and Tracie wormhole, let’s check in with our other couples, starting with Caitlin and Matt. Caitlin is growing restless at Mama Matt’s house, watching her fresh-outta-prison fiance laze around drinking beers and wacking weeds like he’s the Prodigal Prince.
In fact, Matt does think he’s royalty and that his mother should feed him, do his laundry, stuff a Chiclet in that missing tooth-hole, etc. Mama Clint protests that she is not a maid! She sure acts like one though. Caitlin, who is 32 years old (and has a son, according to internet sleuths), isn’t a fan of Matt’s lazy, entitled attitude.
Plus, she wants to be taken on a date that doesn’t involve being pushed around in a rusty wheelbarrow. #RedneckRollercoaster
Fine! Matt will take her to dinner
with his mother’s credit card, but he feels the need to haze her as payment for his good deed. At dinner, he makes a thousand excuses about his past criminal charges – scaring Caitlin with his cavalier outlook on going back to prison – then suggests they “dine and ditch” when the bill arrives.
Caitlin is petrified, but allows Matt to attempt the ditching – with a full camera crew filming them and Matt clutching a freaking doggie bag of leftovers?!?! I CANNOT. Matt’s like, “Ha! I’m just messing with ya!”
As Matt grins his stupid Jack O’ Lantern grin, Caitlin valiantly refrains from punching this dude in the face. This is not the fairytale she signed up for…on MeetAnInmate.com.
Megan & Michael & Sarah
This steaming hot pile of shite is beyond human understanding. But let’s try to break it down. Ok, here goes…Michael is a sociopath who has dead eyes and an apparent knack for super-spy undercover ops.
In his most recent mission, he plays the role of loyal
ish husband and father to his wife and daughter while making promises to the side piece he also proposed to. According to Michael, he’s got a “Pacific plan.” (No word on how the backup Atlantic, Baltic, and Mediterranean plans are coming along…)
None the wiser, Megan cheerfully packs for her trip to finally meet up with Michael. She doesn’t care if he cancels again – SHE WILL HUNT HIM DOWN. Michael: You’re on notice. And Megan, please bring a taser. For us?
While Megan daydreams about the romantic proposal Michael will surely deliver, Michael takes his REAL WIFE ring shopping. Sarah is giddy with excitement, and Michael pretends to have “no budget” in mind for the ring of her dreams. She can go ahead and pick any glittery diamond from the case! Because homegirl ain’t never gonna see that rock on her finger.
But in the car later, Michael expertly starts a fight about Sarah being too picky about rings, and his decision to not even wear one. His goal in this? To get Sarah mad enough that she leaves him alone for the rest of the day – so he can meet Megan. THE PACIFIC PLAN IS IN PLAY! REPEAT: THE PACIFIC PLAN IS A GO!
It works. Sarah goes nuts at Michael’s immature needling, and – with their daughter in the backseat during a good portion of the fight – the couple scream their heads off at each other like idiots before Sarah finally tells Michael to “go do YOU!” for the rest of the day. She doesn’t want to see his face.
Ahhh, but Megan does. And she’s on her way to her “King” right this minute. And she’s armed with a Skype degree in sex education to boot.
Brittany & Marcelino
Speaking of dead-eyed sociopaths, let’s check in with Marcelino! Yep, still a serial killer. But this week, at least he brought fruit.
While Marcelino and Brittany enjoy breakfast al fresco, complete with fancy styrofoam and plastic sporks, Brittany holds back on telling her man about the woman she’s still interested in – Amanda. Now is not the right time to tell her about the pool shenanigans of yesterday. Tomorrow is probably not the best time either. Hmm…when will she fess up?
Maybe when the below footage rolls on national TV? And Brittany is in a witness protection program of some sort?
Until then, Brittany decides it’s time to talk about her son, who is three years old and hasn’t been with her for two years (during her incarceration). She’s nervous about seeing him, but Marcelino – psycho that he is – makes it all about him and his very special feelings. His stepfather was allegedly an a$$hole, so he doesn’t want to repeat the pattern. Too late, dude! You’re an a$$hole.
Brittany understands what it’s like to have awful parents, quipping that you can simply change the pattern by deciding to! Um, except in Brittany’s case, she was locked up for two years of her son’s life, which isn’t really all that pattern-breaking. Look – I’m rooting for this girl. But…just saying. She’s not suddenly the Dr. Laura of healthy parenting advice just because she regrets her mistakes.
Tracie & Clint
Now on to the main event, which we shall entitle: Clint’s Very Special Day. Oh, Clint. Poor, simple, fuzzy-toothed, sheltered Clint. We pick up this week with Clint still waiting outside of that Western bar in the dark, wondering where Tracie is. She’s got his card, his car, no phone, and a criminal history of stealing sh*t, so – she couldn’t be getting into too much trouble, right?
The minister finally finds Clint kicking rocks outside and asks him if
he knows where his mommy is his bride will show? Clint, who we’ll graciously (and probably inaccurately) assume can tell time, still holds out hope that Tracie will arrive any minute. As it turns out, she does – five hours late – and outfitted in her best wedding finery, courtesy of Dress Barn’s prom section, circa 2002.
As they trade vows in front of a bar of strangers, Clint is overjoyed to be marrying the woman of his dreams. We’re also given video proof of Clint being able to read, which is possibly the most shocking moment of this entire episode (crack pipes and all). Tracie swears to love Clint for life
or the next 24 hours, and they’re pronounced man a wife, sealing the deal with some open mouthed suckage.
Thanks, WeTV for the extreme closeup! HAVE WE NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH? WHY! WHY?!? <rocks in corner, sucking thumb>
Heading back to the hotel, Clint tells Tracie they definitely need to bone later to “constipate” the marriage. Her response? “I need a drink.”
Fast forward to the next morning, and we soon find out that Tracie needed more than a drink. Indeed, she needed crack. Because, if we couldn’t tell from her early morning tequila shots and 5-hour walkabouts before weddings, this woman has some very serious addiction issues.
As Clint sobs on the couch, he call his mom (with a producer’s phone?) and escapes to the bathroom to tell her Tracie’s dirty secret – except we hear everything because, of course, Clint is mic’d up. The conversation goes as follows:
Mom: “What happened?”
Clint: “She has a problem, mom.”
Mom: “What kind of problem?”
Clint: “MOTHERF**KING CRACK!”
Clint confesses that Tracie smoked crack on their wedding night, as one does, then woke up in the early morning wanting to score more. Clint left the hotel room in the wee hours to clear his head and – poof! – when he returned, Tracie had made off with his wallet, his phone, and his car. But hey – she did leave behind about 400 empty shot glasses and a stripper heel. So, all is not lost?
Yeah, okay. All is lost. And Clint, too daft to admit that marrying a felon within one day of their release is a MAJOR life no-no, still hopes he can be with her. When she returns with all of his sh*t…on the tenth of never.
Damn! Clint probably also hopes he can get that “Tracie” tattoo on his forearm changed right quick. Officially taking suggestions below.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US- WHAT THE HELL IS CLINT GOING TO DO NOW? IS CAITLIN DELUDING HERSELF ABOUT MATT CHANGING HIS WAYS? WILL SARAH AND MEGAN FACE OFF SOON? WILL MICHAEL END UP WITH EITHER OF THEM?
[Photo Credit: WEtv ]