Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Nobody’s All In

Everyone on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is trying waywayway too hard to make things interesting after last season. They are working hard for that money, but they need a salary reduction anyway. They’re still lying and boring!

It’s apparent that production demanded Dorit Kemsley discuss her financial woes. Dorit is still not being honest. It’s also apparent that they put the smackdown on Erika Jayne Snore-ardi and told her to show more range than one of Aaron Phyper‘s weird oxygenic bioderminator ozzzzzcilation machines. Sutton Stracke is so much more interesting! And they hate her for it.

The other problem is the constant strategic alliances. These women are coming for the weakest links: pregnant Teddi Mellencamp and ill, clueless Denise Richards. They probably figured Denise has been through it all dealing with Charlie Sheen so what’s the difference.

However Denise can come right back at them for being dishonest about their own marriages! Why is she held to a different standard? Erika can pretend her relationship to Tom Girardi is more than a creepy uncle holding his niece too close, and Dorit can flap her hands around in their fake Chanel gloves while insisting PK isn’t bankrupt, but we know.

Last year no one was allowed to question Dorit and insisted she didn’t have to defend herself. Only Lisa Vanderpump did. Denise is this season’s LVP. These women have a starving wolf pack mentality. Until the cast gets a serious shake-up and Kyle Richards is given a worthy nemesis every season will go the same way. My money is on Garcelle Beauvais being that nemesis; grabbing these women by the Louboutins, turning them upside down, and shaking them out. The only thing that will fall out of Dorit’s pockets are the tags she’s gonna reattach to clothes she’s returning after wearing them.

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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Garcelle Beauvais

So, are you loving Garcelle, or what?! She goes to breakfast with Erika, and Erika is hoping to win an Emmy for AI: Best Robot Impersonating Human category. Garcelle shares that her eldest son, who is 28, is going to have a baby which will make her a grandmother. Grandparents are the are the age of Erika’s husband though!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Erika Jayne

Then Garcelle straight-up asks Erika what geriatric sex is like. Erika insists it’s fine, but it’s not hot sex. It’s … a cool compress after a musty day. Aka, she sleeps through it. Erika changes the subject to setting Garcelle up with a billionaire. Garcelle isn’t buying any of this BS though. She’s a real actress – unlike what Erika thinks she is.

Garcelle goes to tour her new house with pal Ali Landry. When Garcelle learned her husband and father of her twins, Mike Nilon, had been having an affair for 5 years she immediately fired off an email to his friends, family members and associates comparing him to Tiger Woods and Jesse James, then filed for divorce. It’s taken Garcelle nearly as long as she was married to get over the infidelity, and she still tears up when discussing the betrayal. Now she’s finally ready to start over. Which means a new house and dating. Garcelle wants a man who understands that she’s a mom first and will accept her sons into his life. Which is what Erika claims was Tom’s appeal. Except unlike Erika, I don’t think Garcelle needs that men to financially support her too…

Erika is pretending to be more open in order to more easily hide her reality. What is going on with Tom’s alleged affair and lawsuits?!

There is this rather strange scene when Erika barges into her home to announce that she’s been cast on Broadway as Roxy Hart. Oh for the love! This is where Broadway puts D-listers and wannabes to sell tickets. Erika ‘sobs’ with glee on Tom’s shoulder because it’s his emotional support that counts, not that he shells out $40k per month to live with a loop track of Mikey yelling “YAS!!!” as he whips mannequins with blonde ponytails. That’s probably the most exciting sex Erika has seen in decades.

Ugh – she bores me.

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Speaking of boring, Lisa Rinna meets Teddi for a hike. Teddi is a walking coma and Lisa using a daughter’s anxiety as a storyline for the 3rd season in a row is also a coma. How is Lipsa, Hollywood’s penultimate hustler, the mother of two girls who can’t even handle one semester of college? I don’t get it. Furthermore I don’t care. I’m sorry Amelia feels forced to turn to Instagram for therapy, but it’s just… Well, she’s not actually a cast member on this show. Additionally we’ve heard enough of the ‘woe is me’ motherhood travails from Lipsa. What is really going on in Lipsa’s life? Let’s talk about the husband already. Paging Kim Richards!!

Of course Teddi relates to Amelia’s anxiety over being the daughter of celebrities and feeling like she has to over-achieve to prove she’s successful on her own merit. What are these people ‘achieving,’ again? Would Teddi really be on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills if it weren’t for her last name? Nope. We’re not All In, and it turns out neither are her friends!

Teddi thinks it would be super fun to invite everyone to her ‘All In’ coaching retreat. ‘All In’ is basically a Multi-Level Marketing scheme where Teddi ‘trains’ other accountability coaches to harass people via text about working out every day and living off soup broth. Seriously. It’s super sketch and secretive. Plus it costs a fortune to be included in this hierarchy of starvation and muscle tonnage.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Erika Jayne Teddi Mellencamp Text

Teddi sends a very vague text (yay for more text drama) inviting all the women, but says they shouldn’t feel obligated. However since they’re all dyyyyyyyyyyying to know what an accountability coach actually does, she’s sure they’ll pounce on this once in a lifetime opportunity to invest in their future. Garcelle is so relieved believing she doesn’t actually have to attend…

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Meanwhile Kyle is in NY pretending to launch a fashion business. Kyle hopes to get the Kult of Kaftans into stores which is why she meets Sutton for cocktails. Sutton is there buying for the boutique she’s opening in West Hollywood and proclaims that Kyle’s collection can be summed up as “Yacht Rock.” Even though neither of them know what that is, it’s a perfectly appropriate dig and description for I Nightmare Of Kyle… the Kollection.

I hope Sutton actually does know what Yacht Rock is and was being snide by playing dumb to confuse Kyle about whether or not it’s a compliment. Kyle argues that people who don’t own yachts can still wear her kaftans, but loves the idea of being associated with something wealthy so she agrees to a trunk show at Sutton’s store. Yacht Rock is a cosplay on the 70’s luxlesiure looks. Lots of caftans. Lots of polyester. Think the millionaire and his wife on Gilligan’s Island. So you know, so perfectly Kyletastrophe.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Dorit Kemsley PK Kemsley

Lord, Sutton is a hoot. Erika and Dorit just despise her which is even more of a hoot. They’re so jealous it’s tangible. Sutton is using her hefty divorce settlement to live her best life and oh, man is she thrilled to be divorced! She can be her own person, do her own thing, and not have to defend or make excuses for nobody from nowhere. Then there is Dorit, sitting up there in a zebra top, which is only a few skewed stripes away from a prison stripe, claiming she has no idea what’s really going on with PK’s financial issues, but he can’t possibly have conned anyone! That’s just FAKE NEWS.

Dorit and PK have a brand new home that they allegedly bought. Just like they allegedly owned their old house, right? The house is solely in Dorit’s name,  which she insists is standard practice. Not cause PK is on the hook from creditors in the US and UK. One of whom is reportedly his ex-wife after PK attempted to get out of child support and alimony by crying poor. Dorit is an asshole, and I LOVE that production is finally hanging her out to dry — in her unfinished closet of all places. These two are grifters, no two ways about it.

Finally everyone meets up at Sutton’s store opening. Lipsa and Teddi ride together and Lipsa tries to provoke Teddi about the All In invitation. I honestly don’t even get this. They are gaslighting Teddi and trying to make her freak out. Everyone knows that despite what Teddi says she’ll be super hurt if they ditch her retreat, thus causing a huge fracas when she inevitably melts down about how they didn’t support her.

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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Teddi Mellencamp

Lipsa informs Teddi that she needs to be clear and specific about what she expects from her friends or she’s not allowed to be annoyed if people decline. Meaning admit that will hold them accountable for not attending!

Lipsa admits that she actually joked that her crazy travel/work schedule means she can’t go. Teddi pretends she’s not bothered by this and insists she just wants them to be supportive if they come. Which means behaving and having the right attitude. Then Lipsa, who is a master deflecting shit-stirrer, comments that this is too much to expect. Lipsa is such a shitty friend!

By the time they get to Sutton’s Teddi’s mind is reeling. She’s suddenly imagining all the women making fun of her behind her back. Of them doing TikTok parodies of her on the elliptical and sending it to each other to mock accountability. Tedontability!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Erika Jayne Dorit Kemsley Teddi Mellencamp

Actually Erika and Dorit are hyper-focused on Sutton. Did I miss where the opportunity to hate her came from? Or are they just so stank-faced and bitter because their lives aren’t hers? Erika, a woman who expends 90% of her words bragging about clothes and wearing plastic garbage to define her ethos, snarks that Sutton is being elitist by mentioning that her clothes are couture. Now Erika, dahling, you don’t like Sutton because she has designers making her couture. Also she has the right southern accent: gentile and drawling. Not guttural, and raspy. Erika even snipes that she doesn’t want the gift bags Sutton brings them and dismisses it as “crap.” This is the true Erika. She was trying to pretend to be Miss Girls-Girl, but the real Erika is a jealous, insecure, narcissist with an inferiority complex as big as her fake hair.

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It’s obvious why Dorit doesn’t care for Sutton. Dorit would give both her inflated tits and PK’s inflated head to own couture or a boutique in West Hollywood where the mayor gives a welcoming speech. Sutton doesn’t even know who the mayor is, nor does she care – she interrupts to interrogate him about why WeHo parking is so strict. No one is amused but Lipsa. And me. I’m VERY amused!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Sutton Stracke

Then it’s all about Teddi again. Teddi and Kyle are so self-absorbed and insufferable! Now Teddi doesn’t give a shit if they come to the All In retreat or not. Which prompts Sutton to ask the obvious question: why waste her time then? She is relieved that this is suddenly optional. WRONG. Sutton doesn’t know Teddi well enough to realize that Teddi, like Kyle, is a bottomless hole of attention-needing.

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Denise missed everything due to quadruple hernia surgery and being on the good drugs. Aaron is waiting on her hand and foot, which means hooking her up to strange machines that possibly altered her brain?

Denise is also stressed because Charlie is taking her to court to get child support dismissed entirely. Denise doesn’t want to fight him because she doesn’t want to badmouth her children’s father and vice versa, because of her girls. Denise has seen (through Charlie’s lady friends) what happens to girls who have bad relationships with their fathers and wants to protect the love they have for Charlie. Charlie is a terribly flawed person, but he’s still their dad.

Unfortunately for Denise her so-called friends and co-stars don’t care about protecting her children. They only care about themselves. It’s a bitch eat bitch world in Beverly Hills, unless you’re at Vanderpump Pets!

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[Photo Credits: bravo]